For the past week I've been wearing someone else's shoe on my right foot. I lead with my right foot. This shoe is leading me all over the place and it's making me feel like someone else. I think I've finally got the stubborn thing off. It is hard for me to want to write when I'm not myself.
"talking"
'thoughts'
So you know those days that totally rock? The days where you can't help but feel happy and everyone you talk to knows you feel awesome?
Yeah, I was not having one of those days; today completely sucked. Every building I entered just kept reminding me that everything sucked. I so did not want to be here. All the hallways were covered with fliers for the school's karaoke night.
Yep, all the students and staff were invited to embarrass ourselves while attempting to sing old, lame songs that nobody likes; which is fun in my book. Or rather, it used to be. And that was the problem. It wasn't fun anymore and it never would be.
Now, it hurt too much to think about. Because my mother thought it sounded fun too. And even though we couldn't sing to save our lives, we tried it. Despite the fact that the sounds emitting from us that night were ear-splitting, it was one of the best nights of my life. Later I realized that was due to the fact that I had done it with Mom. But no matter how badly it hurt to remember, I refused to forget. One thing I wasn't going to do though, was put myself through karaoke again. Because one, I sucked. And two, I know all I would think about is Mom; something I still wasn't good at doing without crying hysterically.
So now I am trying to get through today without doing just that, crying hysterically. It is super hard, especially when karaoke is all anyone wants to talk about. Luckily I have three beautiful friends that know not to bring it up.
"Hey Sakura-Chan, are you gunna do the karaoke thing?" I also have a beautiful friend that is not so informed. I would tell Naruto later, when I was aloud to cry. I wouldn't let myself here, in the crowded cafeteria.
"Sakura doesn't do karaoke and she doesn't like talking about it." This was one of the reasons I loved Ino; she wasn't going to bring it up and she wasn't going to let anyone else do it either, even if she had to be a bitch about it.
Naruto looked like he got slapped across the face before he composed himself and looked back at me questioningly.
"Later," I assured him.
He nodded and quickly changed the conversation. God I love these people, they save me from the big bad evil of this world. Some people call him Reality; I refuse to talk to him on days like these.
It was funny; the high Naruto had seemed to give me over the weekend dissipated as soon as I got to school this morning. Although, if Naruto kept smiling at me like he was now, perhaps I could get a little of it back.
Everyone was exiting the cafeteria and heading to their next class, I lingered behind.
I grabbed Naruto's arm and turned him to look at me, "Umm, I'll tell you about the karaoke thing after school. Okay?" I felt so vulnerable today.
Apparently Naruto could tell; he pulled me into a warm embrace and kissed the top of my head. "Alright, hang in there Sakura-Chan."
I really was trying to hold myself together but it was getting near impossible. I wished I had my CD player with me so I could drown out all these conversations around me. I tried to think of other things but I just ended up trying to decide what drugs to ask Ryou for. I could get a different pill for every day this week; after Friday it would be all over and I could return to my normal self.
Too bad I wasn't sure if I could wait till tonight. I might have to ask him after school.
"I'm defiantly going to Karaoke Night!" I could hear some girl squeal behind me.
'Scratch that, I am going to get them after school. I refuse to endure this torture any longer. I'll just have to be sneaky about it.'
Why wasn't the teacher shutting everyone up anyways? Weren't we supposed to be learning?
When my last class had ended I speed walked over to where Ryou hung out after school, back behind the 600 building. I hoped no one was going to walk by and see me talking to Ryou… and who ever that was.
"Hey Ryou, hey…" I looked at the girl leaning against the wall. Her style reminded me that of a punk, the girl had black and green hair. Though I guess I couldn't talk, mine being pink.
"Sup, I'm Kari," she seemed kind of lazy; reminded me of Shikamaru. Then I knew who she was.
"Oh right, Ryou's girlfriend?"
"Yeah. You're Sakura, right?" I wanted to ask how she knew that but I was in need of an escape right now. I simply nodded and faced Ryou.
"I'm going to need various pills for every day this week," I pulled out a wad of cash and my nifty little pill case and handed both to him.
Ryou never asked questions, he always seemed to understand that desperation to get high. Also, he trusted me. After all this time, he stopped counting the money. I watched him pocket it and begin putting pills into each section in my case. I relaxed slightly, knowing I was going to be okay soon. I could just go home and- shit. Naruto.
"Oh my God, Ryou I forgot! I need to be somewhere!" He closed all the tabs and handed me the container newly filled with pills.
"I'll call you later to ask about them, thanks," I ran off in the direction of Naruto's last class.
I was surprised when I already saw him heading my way. I prayed to God he hadn't seen me talking to Ryou.
"Naruto, I'm sorry you had to wait. I haven't been myself today and I just forgot."
He looked concerned rather than angry, "Its okay Sakura-Chan, I understand."
He took my hand and we began walking off campus.
Naruto is so understanding and sympathetic; it's almost unreal.
We had sat and talked in his car as I cried my eyes out, trying to explain. And of course, he got it. He just listened and held me while I pathetically bawled like a baby. A part of me thinks I don't deserve him. The other part knows that regardless, he will always be there.
He drove me home after that. I had only one thing holding back the panic of leaving him and returning to my empty room alone. It was my alternate way of coping with this storm of emotions and it was sitting in my back pack. One call to Ryou and I would have a map to shelter.
The idea of that shelter was amazing but sadly I could still see the rain hitting the windows, still hear the wind howling, still feel the cold seep through the crack under the door.
But the tears ceased and I could pretend, if only for a moment, that I was okay.
Tuesday wasn't much different. I counted the hours till I could return home and escape this hell.
It is still hard for me to believe that no one has inkling what I do in my room all day.
I am pretty good at hiding it, you wouldn't know I had just swallowed a few muscle relaxers or snorted pain killers. It's not like I'm staring off into space in my living room either. I sometimes talk on the phone or listen to music in my room. I've even pulled off 'bonding' with my dad, which to him entails sitting in the same room and sharing a few words. I still eat dinner with him and do my chores too. It's rather easy really, and Dad suspects nothing. I act completely sober. However, I feel totally gone. I'm floating around the house yet Dad sees my feet planted on the ground. My mind is clouded and still, Ino hears reason in every sentence.
When I first learned to do it I took pride in my acting skills. Later I thought it sad that I had had so much practice. I still do, none the less I won't look at it as a negative. If anyone were to find out my little secret, my world would come crashing down around me. How could anyone understand that I needed this? They wouldn't. They would judge me. They would be disappointed in me. They would never forget it. They would never look at me the same again. I would never be the Sakura they knew, because she was never there in the first place. I don't know how to deal with that.
Before you get all upset about me throwing in another OC, know that her role is extremely small but still holds importance. Also she's my best friend's OC; it was sort of a Christmas present putting her in here.
Thank you for the lovely reviews so far!