"You don't have a ticket to go into Man Land!" - Bard

CHAPTER SEVEN

HAVING KITTENS

This is a dream. No, not a dream; a nightmare. Yeah, that's what it is! I'll wake up any minute now and eat some breakfast and then maybe I'll fool around a bit with my new guitar...

Unfortunately for Bard, merely thinking of something did not make it reality. He was indeed standing between Kitten and Starfire in a crowded mall.

"Kitten!" Starfire almost hissed. "What are you doing here? How do you know friend Bard? Why do you call him Jonny?"

Bard closed his eyes and tried his darndest to will himself out of existence. He reopened his eyes. No such luck.

"I got out today." Kitten said. "What's it to you?"

"Tell me who provided the spring before I drag you back!" Starfire demanded.

Kitten blinked, but then she shook her head angrily. "You can't take me back! They just let me out today!"

This time it was Bard's turn to blink.

"Are you saying that you tried to get you dad to break you out of prison one day before you were gonna get released?" He asked incredulously.

"Hmph, it was two days." Kitten folded her arms across her chest petulantly. "Besides, I didn't like it there."

Suddenly, she turned and looked up into Bard's face adoringly.

"So, you finally found me again." Kitten purred at him sweetly, her blue eyes, once again, almost appearing to be small pink hearts. "Where should we go for our first date?"

Both Starfire and Bard sweat dropped and looked as if they were about to faint.

"Round two is beginning!" Someone announced through a loudspeaker. "Participants please go to your stations!"

"Sorry, gotta go!" Kitten winked at Bard. "Don't go anywhere!" She gave him a quick peck on the cheek before scampering off.

It seemed that Starfire and Bard stared at each other for a full five minutes before either of them spoke. Bard could almost see the questions in her eyes. Finally, he sighed.

"Come over here and I'll try to explain." He finally told Starfire, gripping her wrist gently and leading her over to a nearby bench. Once seated, Bard told Starfire the abbreviated story of his encounter with Kitten during his first day as a Titan apprentice.

"So you seduced Kitten to obtain information about Killer Moth." Starfire summed up his story.

"Seduced?" Bard asked, his voice slightly pained.

"Is that not what you did?"

"Well, I reckon, maybe.." Bard conceded, rubbing the back of his neck. "But 'seduced' is such an ugly word, don'tcha think? How about...'persuaded'? It sounds nicer."

"Oh, very well then."

Just then, Robin materialized from the crowd and walked up to them.

"What's up?" He asked them casually.

"..."

"..."

"Uh, was it something I said?"

"Kitten was released and is now competing in the gaming competition." Starfire informed him.

"Is she causing trouble?" Robin asked, bending his knees slightly as if he were ready at any moment to spring into action.

"Not the kind of trouble you're thinking about..." Bard muttered despondently.

"Friend Jonny seduced Kitten at the juvenile prison and now Kitten has asked him on a date."

"I thought we agreed on 'persuaded'." Bard commented to her blandly.

"Oh, sorry!" Starfire apologized quickly, bringing her hands to her mouth.

"Wait a minute." Robin told them, then looked sternly at Bard. "You told Starfire and Kitten your real name?"

"And Raven." Bard told him as quietly as possible.

"And Raven?!" Robin yelled. "You haven't done anything except break rules since you've been here!"

"Sorry!"

"Apology noted." Robin said firmly. "But I'm still going to have to punish you for this."

Bard's heart sank.

"You're not kicking me out, are you?"

"No, something worse." Robin told him, smiling evilly. Bard knew for sure that he didn't like that look.

"What are you going to do?" He asked apprehensively.

"It's not what I'm going to do, Bard." The Boy Wonder said slyly. "It's what you're going to do."

"What must friend Jonn- er, friend Bard do?" Starfire asked, almost as concerned as Bard himself.

"Bard - is - going - to - go - on - that - date - with - Kitten!" Robin cackled.

"No!" Starfire said, her eyes wide.

"You wouldn't do that!" Bard gasped. "There's no way you're that evil!"

Robin's smirk only grew larger.

But then, a sudden thought of salvation popped into Bard's head.

"I can't date her!" Bard said triumphantly. "I'm eighteen, and she's underage! Its illegal!"

Robin's smirk didn't falter.

"There no way you're getting off that easy." Robin told him. "I'm not asking you to have-" He stopped and glanced at Starfire. "Well, you know, with her. Just to date her."

Bard sunk his face into his hands with a sigh.

"I hate my life." He declared bitterly.

"I just won my second round match!" Kitten declared proudly as she walked up to them, but then she stopped when she saw Robin and Starfire.

"Why are you talking to Robin?" She demanded suspiciously to Bard. "And why is Starfire with you?"

Bard climbed to his feet and pulled the blonde girl to his side with one arm.

"Just catching up on old times." He explained to her, looking at the two Titans arrogantly. "I wanted to let'em know that those stupid pigs didn't read me my rights, so I got out scott-free." He looked at Robin. "Has that bloody nose healed yet, Boy Blunder? The last time I saw you, you were on the wrong end of my fist and squealing like a little girl."

Robin said nothing, but his face hardened. Bard wasn't sure if that was entirely an act or not.

"If I wanted to," Bard continued with an oily smirk. "I could take your girlfriend there, but I've already got the most beautiful girl to walk God's green earth right here by my side. Isn't that right, Kitten?"

Kitten nodded shyly.

"This isn't the end of this." Robin warned him through gritted teeth. Bard was absolutely sure that this time, he really meant that. Maybe the Starfire crack had been too much, but wasn't making him go on a date with Kitten even worse? He had a feeling, however, that this revenge wouldn't be sweet.

"Unless you want me to take you to the woodshed again," Bard threatened. "Me and Kitten are going to go get some lunch. C'mon, babe."

With that, he turned and lead Kitten away, all the while praying desperately that Robin wouldn't kill him when this was all over.

"I don't have time to eat." Kitten told him as they continued to walk together. "I have to get back and win the tournament!"

"How much time do you have before the next round?"

"Half an hour, but-"

"That'll be plenty of time." Bard assured her with his smooth, country voice. "Now, what do you want to eat?"

Suddenly, a brilliant idea popped into Bard's brain. It was brilliant simply because of the fact that it would work even if it didn't work... As an added bonus, he had eaten pizza the night before anyway, and he didn't want it again so soon.

"We can have anything but pizza." He said firmly and, as Bard had suspected, Kitten immediately began to pout.

"But I want pizza!"

"Well, you can't have it." Bard said. "Now, what else do you want? There's a nice burger place up there." He suggested, pointing.

"I said I want pizza!" Kitten screeched, ignoring his suggestion completely. "I want pizza and I want it now! Now! Now!"

They had arrived at the food court and Bard looked around at the different stores as calmly as ever. It was as if he hadn't even heard her.

"We'll have some burgers, then." He decided as if the choice was already agreed upon.

"Burgers!? I said I wanted pizza!"

"And I said we're having burgers and that's final!" Bard told her bluntly, locking eyes with the blonde.

Kitten's blue eyes widened in shock, then hardened with anger. She looked as if she were about to throw the biggest tantrum ever known to man...but then she stopped and looked down.

"Okay," She said demurely.

Bard had mixed emotions about that. It had worked, but that wasn't necessarily a good thing. He had known what Kitten was from the start: A spoiled brat. He had reasoned that a spoiled brat was never satisfied. If one had everything they asked for the moment they asked for it, they didn't appreciate it, and as such, it was almost impossible for a spoiled brat to be happy. The secret to happiness was to earn those things you wanted so that you could truly enjoy them.

Then again, if the ploy hadn't worked, Kitten would have probably broken up with him on the spot and he would have been able to go back to the Titans. He had privately, and quite fervently, hoped for the latter.

They sat at small, square table after they had purchased the cheeseburgers and quietly began to eat. About halfway through his second and last burger, he looked up at Kitten and saw that she had a devious twinkle in her blue eyes. Bard mentally shrugged it off and began to bring his burger up for another bite, but he froze when he felt something touch his foot.

Bard raised a brown eyebrow at Kitten from under his cowboy hat, but the blonde paid it no heed. She was too busy grinning seductively from ear to ear. Then, her foot began to snake it's way upwards. First, it went up along his cowboy boot and climbed his calf. The light touch passed his knee next, then tickled up his thigh to his-

"Whoa!" Bard exclaimed, dropping his burger. He tried to stand up so fast that he only succeeded in banging both of his knees painfully into the bottom of the table. "You don't have a ticket to go into Man Land!"

"I know," Kitten purred sexily. "That's why I snuck in."

"Wouldn't do you any good, anyway!" Bard protested, his voice unusually shrill. "You're not even old enough to ride the roller coaster!"

"Yeah, well, the roller coaster has to be put into the tunnel at the end of the day..." She shot back suggestively with a wink.

Bard sweat dropped and blinked owlishly. He definitely did not like the way this conversation was going.

"Er, uh, well..." He floundered, desperately looking for an excuse to change the subject. "Isn't it about time to head back for the next round?"

Kitten's eyes widened.

"The tournament!" She exclaimed, suddenly remembering as she bolted up much more successfully then Bard had. "We have to go now!"

Without any further adieu, she grabbed Bard by the hand and literally dragged him back towards the competition.

"Kitten," the man on the loudspeaker said. "Please report to arcade number twenty three. I repeat, please report to arcade number twenty three."

"I'm here!" Kitten announced breathlessly as she arrived at the machine with Bard in tow.

Her opponent, a nerdy looking short kid with thick glasses nodded politely to her. Then, both of them gripped their respective joysticks, (Bard was eternally grateful that Kitten wasn't anywhere near his at the moment), and got ready.

"Fight!" The digital voice of the machine declared, and the nerd and Kitten began to furiously mash the buttons. Kitten had once again gone with the team of Raven and Starfire, and her opponent had chosen the Flash and Superman.

"Go, Kitten!" Bard said with mock enthusiasm, but secretly he hoped for her to suffer some humiliating defeat. It was a good fight, but in the end, Kitten came out on top.

"We have triumphed!" Polygon Starfire said.

"Woo hoo." Raven replied flatly on the screen.

"Yes!" Kitten whooped exultantly. "I win! On to the final round!"

"The match you've all been waiting for is coming up!" The man with the loudspeaker exclaimed excitedly. "The final round will be the firecracker Kitten, with her team of Raven and Starfire, versus the Teen Titans' own, Cyborg, with his team of himself and Beast Boy! The winner of this best out of three battle will take home a five hundred dollar gift certificate for any store in the mall and their very own arcade machine of "Smackdown Superheroes II" which will be released next year!"

A huge movie screen was brought down from the ceiling, so that everyone could watch the last fight.

"That's all gonna be mine!" Bard heard Cyborg say to himself as he and Kitten walked up to his machine for the final battle. The Titan's eyes were so glued to the screen that he didn't even notice Bard was there.

"Fight!"

Cyborg won the first match easy. After a few counters and counter-counters, he had Beast Boy turn into and elephant to trample Raven and Starfire into submission.

"Yeah!" The pixilated Cyborg said, almost at the same time as his real life counterpart.

"Dude, we are so good!" Beast Boy said, licking his palm and running his hand through his hair.

"You cheated!" Kitten yelled at Cyborg. "You trapped me in the corner!"

"Hey, it ain't cheatin' if the game allows you to do it!"

"Fight!" Came the voice from the machine.

This time, Kitten caused Starfire and Raven to fly up into the sky so that they couldn't be trapped on the ground. She pummeled Cyborg and Beast Boy with starbolts and dark, obsidian energy. Since Cyborg couldn't fly, it quickly became a two on one affair and Kitten came out victorious.

"That was just a lucky round." Cyborg said intensely, narrowing his eyes in preparation for the final round.

"Fight!"

Kitten tried to put Raven and Starfire up into the air again, but this time Cyborg blasted at them with his sonic cannon, keeping them pinned to the ground. Then, Beast Boy turned back into an elephant and, once again, pinned the female duo in the corner.

"No!" Kitten shrieked. "I'm gonna lose! I don't wanna lose! I don't wanna lose! I don't wanna LOOOOSSSSEEEEE!"

Bard felt like covering up his ears. How could a girl that small make so much blasted noise? God, she was loud! He would do anything to just shut her up! Now he knew how Killer Moth must feel... Against his better judgment, he leaned forward on his tip toes to whisper into Cyborg's ear.

"Sure was sweet to pick your boyfriend as your partner!" He said mockingly.

"What?!" Cyborg exclaimed, his eyes bulging. "Don't make me rip your arms off you little- Bard?" It came out as almost as a whisper when he saw him.

Cyborg had only turned away from the screen for a moment, but it was more than enough time for Kitten to maneuver Raven and Starfire out of the corner and up into the air. Now she had the distinct advantage and looked as if she would win.

Bard felt bad, though. He had just cheated his friend out of something that meant a lot to him. Maybe he could make it even... Bard did the only thing he could think of to distract Kitten in that short period of time He reached out and pinched Kitten's butt.

"Eep!" But it was too late, she had already flung the starbolt that took out the two male Titans.

"That was fun!" Starfire exclaimed.

"This is pointless." Raven said flatly.

Meanwhile, Kitten was performing a quite lewd victory dance as Cyborg fell to his knees and brought both hands to his head despairingly.

"I can't believe I...lost!"

"Well, believe it, Clunkhead!" Kitten told him happily. "I am the Queen of Games!"

Quite the contrary, Bard was not happy at all. First of all, he was stuck with Kitten and had to go out with her on a date; a punishment Robin's sick and depraved mind had conjured. And now he had at least two of his fellow teammates angry with him. Maybe even three, if Starfire had taken offense to the crack he had taken at her and Robin. Bard doubted that, however. Starfire didn't seem like the kind of person to hold a grudge. Nonetheless, it felt as if things couldn't get much worse at this point. But, of course, he was wrong.

"Looky what I got!" Kitten exclaimed, waving a piece of paper over her head as she ran back towards him.

"The check?" Bard asked.

Kitten nodded her head so fast that Bard was afraid it might fall off her shoulders. Not exactly a bad thing...

"It's the five hundred dollar check to any store in the mall!" Kitten clarified. "You know what this means, don't you?"

Bard shook his head mutely, fearing the worse.

"We're going on a shopping spree, of course!" She almost gushed. "You can watch me try on clothes. You can tell me how good they look, then you can tell me how good they look on the floor and then you can carry the bags...Oh! And I might get some furniture! You'll have to help me with that. Then..."

Bard tuned her out as she gibbered on mindlessly. He had been wrong. It could and had gotten worse.

"I hate my life." He repeated for the second time that day, reluctantly falling in to follow behind a beaming Kitten.

Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Robin and Starfire across the hall. Maybe he could get out of this yet!

"Go on ahead." He told Kitten, interrupting her mindless dribble. "I'll catch up."

"You better not be long!"

"I won't!" Bard assured her. As soon as the walking, talking devil disguised as a girl was out of sight, he ran as fast as his legs would take him towards Robin and flung himself at the Boy Wonder's feet.

"Please don't make me go on a date with Kitten!" He pleaded. "That girl's gonna end up raping me! I've learned my lesson, honest! I'll do anything you say! Just please, please, please let me go back to the tower and never see her again!"

Robin sweat dropped, then opened his mouth to say the word or phrase that would be Bard's salvation or damnation.