Chapter 7: Fuel to the Fire

Relaxing on the couch in his suite on deep space four Chakotay stared blankly at the screen in front of him, not entirely sure why he was torturing himself. Seeing Kathryn again after almost a year had evoked feelings in him that he still wasn't sure how to interpret. She had changed in their time apart. She was relaxed, radiant, even more charismatic, but she had always been those things it's just now he saw them shine through better than ever before, but that wasn't the change that had surprised him the most. It took him a long time to put his finger on it, but after some deep contemplation he realised that it was the first time he had seen her truly happy. From the very beginning of the their journey together in the delta quadrant she had been consumed by a worry and guilt that had only deepened over the years, now, nearing two years since their return he saw that those worry lines had disappeared and she had somehow dealt with the guilt, putting it behind her and allowing her to move on.

From the news vids he had seen her transform from the heroic captain to Starfleet's golden girl. He knew that she had been working with diplomats on the Romulan dilemma, had become a Borg consultant along with Seven of Nine, and was heading up research on the transwarp technology. He had also been made aware of several of her… acquaintances; Luis Guild, Earth's defence minister, Admiral Kevin DeCruz chairman of the Alpha zero committee and more recently Caleb Enfield, Romulus's prime ambassador. Although he wouldn't call him self jealous of those men, he did find himself cautious in regards to them, unsure if Kathryn was using them, or taking them to fill a void in her life, either way he knew wasn't good for her.

Again his thoughts drifted back to their brief lunch, and to her blowing him off after. He knew she wasn't being rude, and although wasn't hurt by her rejection to join him for dinner, he was confused as to why he had asked her. They both knew full well his intentions for wanting her alone, it was pointless to deny it, but Chakotay was unsure of his own motivations. He still loved her, he knew that much, but he had been in love with her for well over seven years now and had successfully held those feelings in firm control all that time, so he knew that couldn't be the reason. Kathryn had been a constant thought on his mind since they had broken up, at first he had remembered her with a bitterness, and then an indifference and more recently a distant fondness, but he didn't pine over her… he no longer wasted time on contemplating what could have been, so he struggled to understand why seeing her again now had rekindled those feelings.

Tilting his head back he stared up at the ceiling, slowly blowing out all of the breath from his body hoping that with his breath he could also expel this new complication.

The entry tone went at his door and he jumped a little at the unexpectedness of the noise. He glanced at the clock in the corner of his computer screen to see that it was nearing midnight and wondered wildly as to who would want to disturb him at such a late hour. Pulling down the screen and getting up from the couch he made his way to the door, the back of his mind wondering to the possibility of Kathryn being his late night visitor.

She saw him, hair dishevelled and eyes sleepy but not rested and she knew instantly that he was having the same trouble sleeping as her. He said her name, not with complete surprise, but more with confusion, she suspected mostly due to the way in which she had rejected his company earlier that day. Although not entirely sure why she had decided to track him down and come see him, she did know it was probably unwise that she been seen outside his suite in the middle of the night and so without waiting for an invitation she made her way inside.

"Why are you here Kathryn?" he asked after her, remaining rooted where he stood as she took a few steps into his room as the doors closed behind her.

"I'm not sure," she said honestly as she stopped only a few feet away and turned to face him.

Their gazes met allowing a silent conversation that neither of them could fully interpret, but at the same time their confusion was replaced with a clarity. "You know this is a bad idea," he warned her.

She raised an eyebrow, "when has it ever been a good idea?"

He considered her words and realised she was right, there had never been a right moment, and he doubted there ever would be. In the time it took for him to consider what to do with her she had closed the gap between them. She placed a hand on his chest and looked up to meet his gaze, her eyes searching his for any reason not to continue; he didn't give her any and so she reached a hand to place behind his neck and putting herself up on tiptoes to place a kiss to his lips.

In all the years he had known Kathryn, she had rarely kissed him like this. It was without need or provocation, without guilt or desperation, it was with desire and affection and clearly expressed her love for him. He remembered how it had been on new Earth, how relaxed and easy it had been between them, and for the first time since they had left that planet, he realised it could be that way again. Wrapping his arms around her he deepened the kiss, wondering how he could have ever been without her all this time.

Somehow they made it to his bed, their love making erasing all rational thoughts of the complexities and anxieties they would face the following morning. As Chakotay lay beside her later that night, his eyes heavy with sleep and her body snug against his, he started to doubt that there would be any regrets and apologies for what they had done. She had come to him that night, not out of loneliness, or wanting anything from him, but out of the same compulsion for them to be together that he felt. There had been no declarations of love or promises for the future as they both accepted that this wasn't about that, it was about the present and of allowing themselves to finally embrace the magnetism they had to one another.

It was as Chakotay was on the verge of sleep that he realised what had brought them together that night, as somehow, with time and distance between them they had managed to rediscover the fire and passion they had found and buried on new Earth, now his only worry was if tonight would quell that burning or merely add fuel to it.

-

The time had slipped past them both so quickly that they didn't realise it was Thursday morning until it had arrived. After that night together Chakotay had worried that she would retreat away from him, but she had kissed him and grinned and had coffee with him whilst they talked and gossiped, mainly about their old crew and a little about their new lives. He was quick to realise that she was a different woman to the one he had known in the delta quadrant. She was relaxed and content; he could tell from the way she didn't fiddle with her comm. badge every other minute. Her smiles were genuine and infectious and he knew that she was happy. She surprised him the following afternoon by putting her work aside in favour of spending the time with him as they walked together in the station's immense bio-dome. There her spontaneity was demonstrated as she had grabbed him by the hand and pulled him into a hydro-hut for young saplings and kissed him sneakily and freely as if they were teenagers. She was almost carefree (well, she was still Kathryn).

They didn't really talk about anything important, or say anything meaningful to one another, and they both came to the silent agreement that this was a fling, that it would be remembered but kept a secret, and this time not out of shame but out of privacy. They spent the following two evenings together, the first they ate and the one just passed she had come by after a banquet she had been forced to attend. Now it was the morning and Chakotay watched her dress as he lay casually in his bed with a contented smile on his face, "come back to bed," he said playfully, "it's too soon for you to be leaving. Stay another hour."

She glanced back at him and rolled her eyes, "that's what you said an hour ago, and remember, I stayed."

"When I said an hour, I meant the rest of the morning," he protested, "I'm sure your transport will wait… after all, you're the only passenger that really matters."

He heard her chuckle, "I'll pass those thoughts onto admiral Leary," who was the only other passenger for the private shuttle.

Chakotay grumbled as she pulled on her jacket and turned back to face him. And then the fun drained from the moment as the reality that she really was leaving this time hit him. She crossed over towards him, a tender smile on her face as she clambered across the bed to bend over and kiss him deeply. She pulled back to look at him as her fingers absently traced the lines of his tattoo. "This has been fun," she told him honestly.

"We should do it again some time," he joked, but his words were met with a stillness he hadn't really expected and suddenly the atmosphere became tense. "Stay," he repeated, but this time it wasn't light hearted, and he didn't mean just for an hour, or another day, he meant indefinitely; he was pleading and she knew it.

"Don't do this," she insisted.

"Phatar is only two days travel from here, you could come back with me and stay for a while."

"I can't…" she said sadly.

He grinned, "just tell Starfleet you're taking some personal time, you do more than enough for them; I'm sure they'd understand."

"Chakotay, I have a family to get back to," she eyed him carefully not wanting to think that he had forgotten.

If the moment had been heavy before it was now lined with lead and filling with water, the family she spoke of should have been his to share with her. "I…"

"Please Chakotay, spare me, I don't need to hear it," she pulled away from him and moved to sit on the edge of the bed so that she could put on her boots.

He sank back against the mattress, they hadn't spoken about that, and at times like this he had also managed to forget. Layla and Elliot. Since they'd had names his discomfort at leaving had turned into a guilt he had been unable to shake. He tried not to, and didn't want to think about them, but often when his thoughts would drift to Kathryn they would fall on them as well. He wondered what it would feel like to hold them, he was curious as to what they smelt like, what their laughs would sound like. Would they grow up to look more like him or Kathryn? Would they be as stubborn as their mother or as giving as their father? He decided to tell her all this, "I never stop thinking about them…"

"I don't care," she cut him off, "if you really do think about them it's from time to time and then you forget… like now. If you really cared you wouldn't have cut yourself off on a planet over twenty light years away," she turned to face him, "don't tell me it was a tough decision or that you feel guilty, because it's too late and it won't change anything."

"It's difficult Kathryn; to know I have two children who's lives I'm not apart of," his voice was soft but strained. "It's because I care that I try not to think about them and what I've done, but as you said, it's too late now." He let out a long breath, "maybe you're right in that I went too far away, maybe if I was closer to Earth I could do something to change all of this… but the space and time has been good for the two of us and you know it."

Her shoulders sagged but he wasn't sure if it was out of resignation or exhaustion, "when I ended our relationship I really thought you would stay…" she admitted, not liking to disclose that she had been unable to predict this turn of events. "If I had have known that you would leave I would have waited until after the children had been born and you'd formed a bond with them."

Chakotay was silent a moment, "but you still would have left me?" there was an anger in his voice he was unable to restrain.

She turned to face him with a sadness now in her eyes, "probably."

He looked away from her, unsure how to feel, they had managed to avoid this conversation their whole time together and he was starting to think it would have been better had she left without starting it. "I wish you hadn't told me," he blurted out, the moment's pressure leaking into his words. "I wish you have told me you'd been having an affair and that they weren't mine. Knowing about them is a daily torture…" he didn't sound angry, or upset, only distant and maybe a little uncertain. "I hear about them from our former crew, occasionally on the news vids, sometimes people even ask and my sister constantly pesters me and I don't know what to tell everyone. At least if I didn't know they were mine then I could go on with my life in a blissful oblivion."

"Well I'm sorry to make your life a little cumbersome," her voice was low and dangerous, "but I'm constantly being questioned about the identity of their father, people don't believe it's you, they think you left me because I'd had an affair. Did you know some of the former Maquis won't actually talk to me because of what they think I've done?" He turned and met her gaze. "I wasn't happy when I was with you. To be honest I wasn't happy with anything in my life back then. If we had have stayed together you would have become miserable too, and who knows maybe once I realised how difficult twins were we would still be together now, both miserable and resentful of one another, but at least we would have each other right?" She paused and looked away, "stop punishing me for doing what I thought was right."

"Why did you let yourself become involved with me in the first place?" he came close to demanding, but his voice could never carry the full extent of his anger and frustration.

Kathryn shrugged, "I don't know," she said honestly, she didn't like to think about that anymore as she loved her children and wouldn't want to change anything that meant a future without them. "You pressured me, and I guess I was scared of losing you back then so I let it happen."

"I pressured you?" he seemed genuinely confused.

She stood from the end of the bed, "maybe you didn't realise you were doing it, but you were. You kept asking for more commitment: a family, marriage, a house together, I only gave in on the last one because I'd said no to the first two and it was least damaging. I really thought we might be able to make it work, with enough time I could find a happiness with you… and then I found out I was pregnant and it changed everything." She paused and suddenly looked deeply apologetic, "I'm sorry I could never be a part of what you wanted us to be."

He was now sat up in his bed watching her as she stood agitatedly across from him, "maybe I should think about coming back to Earth," he said thoughtfully, "when I switch to writing up my thesis it doesn't matter where I do it. I could be apart of my children's lives."

"I would like that," she shot him a small smile, "but don't do anything based on these few days together, out here it's not real, on Earth… it would be complicated."

"I know." The complications she talked of included a merciless press, a man she had become involved with a couple of months previously, unresolved problems, arguments and emotions and no guarantee that they would even attempt to work on a relationship. "We were always friends before, beneath everything else, it can be that way again."

She considered his words and then gave a small nod, "maybe," she said, knowing better than to take his words for promises. Then, seemingly remembering the time, "I have to go."

"Okay," he said with an acceptance of her departure. He shoved the covers from off his body and clambered across the bed, quickly closing the gap between them. Reaching up a hand to her face he looked her in the eye and exchanged a soft smile with her, he didn't need to say it, she knew, and for once he could tell that she really did love him back. "Have a safe trip back," his voice was low and caring, and then he kissed her.

"Goodbye Chakotay," she said as she stepped back from him, smiling as she studied and memorised his face one last time before she left.

He didn't follow her as she walked from his bedroom and through the suite, but waited until he heard the door close before he made a move to ready himself for a day of meetings and lectures. As he walked through main living area to the bathroom, light coming from the screen of his computer caught his attention and he realised that it had been activated. Vaguely the memory of Kathryn asking for his permission to make a call came back to him, and he just about remembered making a sleepy reply which provided her with consent. Then realisation stuck him that maybe it hadn't been such a good idea to allow her access to his computer and he walked over to check if she'd activated his personal area.

He realised she had, as he tilted the screen of his computer up towards him to see a picture of their two children displayed as a back-drop. By the time they had been born Kathryn had given up on contacting him, but the EMH had discreetly sent him a message via sub-space the morning she had given birth. The picture of the two, month old babies laying side by side and peacefully awake had come from Gretchen Janeway, Kathryn's mother. The letter had been brief, describing which twin was which, their birth weight and good health, she had mentioned the fact that Kathryn and the children had moved into the family home in Indiana and requested that he not mention their correspondence to the mother of his children. On the occasions he had met Kathryn's family he had got on well with Gretchen, and had managed to kindly tolerate her sister Phoebe, but he didn't know her mother well enough for such a covert and personal letter, but he was grateful all the same to her for contacting him… although he had never replied to tell her so.

Reluctantly he realised that now Kathryn would know two things: firstly that Gretchen had contacted him behind her back, and secondly that he hadn't allowed himself to forget completely. He could guess her reaction to the first: rage. The second he was unsure of, but he guessed that was part of why she had snapped so readily at him before; out of uncertainty at the new revelation. He didn't know if or how it might contribute to a change in their distant relationship, all he did know was that now he was ready to make that change.