The nightmares that haunted his dreams differed from each other so much that, sometimes, Tony marveled that his mind was so creative.

They were all about the same thing, of course; him watching his spleen getting ripped out of him; but the variety of ways that it happened in his dreams could be kinda fascinating, if it hadn't been so disturbing. Once even he'd dreamed that he was sleeping with Albina; they were doing the usual things together until she suddenly went wild and dug her fingernails into his stomach and after ripping it open, she took his spleen out and squeezed it in front of his face. Shuddering!

Despite the different forms of the same nightmare, the waking up was always the same; a gasp and then his eyes would fly open. The first few times, he'd also sat upright with the gasp, but after experiencing the excruciating pain for a few times, his brain adjusted itself quickly and after that he never moved again when he woke up. The cold sweat that covered his body hadn't abated, though; nor had the other problems, like the shaking of his hands and the rapid heartbeat or the tightness in his chest.

Every time that it happened, though- and Tony really couldn't remember how many times, because it happened almost every time he went to sleep- when he woke up, Gibbs was there, standing by his side silently; offering comfort with just a hand on his shoulder and occasional squeezes. He always had a glass of water ready and once Tony's eyes cleared and he was completely back to the present, he'd push the glass against the younger man's lips, making him take a sip or two.

He even knew when the younger man's nightmares were worse and would have a basin at hand for when the ex-cop would get sick.

This time, thankfully, he hadn't gotten sick, though and a few sips of water calmed him down.

"Boss, you need to rest, too." Tony said when he felt he could talk without his voice shaking.

"I sleep when you do."

Tony raised his eyebrows. "That's the secret behind your great skin and good look, huh?"

Gibbs slapped him upside the head gently, but the corner of his mouth moved slightly upward at the joke.

"Yeah, thought so." Tony sighed. "Seriously. How much sleep have you gotten during the last few months?"

"More than you have." Gibbs said tersely, looking annoyed.

"Gibbs." Tony dropped the act, he was too drained these days to keep acting for long and especially with Gibbs, he knew he could be himself without his masks. "This won't go away magically. As much as I'd love to ignore it like everything else, I... I know I can't this time. Not if I want to get my life back. And I know I'm gonna need professional help to get rid of those..." He swallowed hard. "Those images." He completed. "But, maybe you need some help, too."

"DiNozzo." Gibbs said warningly.

"No, Gibbs." Tony said firmly. "I'm not some rookie you can scare. I've known you for over 13 years. Don't you think I know you well enough? I might've been in the center of everything and felt every blow, but I know you haven't had an easy time, either. I know you well enough to know how you torture yourself for something that you have no control over."

"No control over?" Gibbs hissed. "I should've brought more backup that night. You would've never gotten captured if I had or if I hadn't left. I walked out of that damn house and let them take you."

Tony blinked with surprise. "How were you supposed to know that that particular night things would go to hell to bring more backup? And you would've gotten yourself and everyone else killed if you hadn't left. Gibbs, we both know a leader sometimes has to make tough decisions, but that decision was the right one. Heck, you saved me, at the end. We're all good." He paused. "Well, more or less."

Gibbs snorted. "Yeah, you especially are doing so hot."

"I said more or less." His hand unconsciously went to the bandage on the side of his neck where he had a burn mark.

Gibbs caught his hand and put it back on the bed. "Don't. You'll forget it's even there."

Tony wanted to say 'Not in this lifetime. Not when it's where I can see it whenever I look in the mirror. Not when people's eyes will keep going to it.' But he decided to keep quiet and nod instead. Because when he thought about it, he remembered that it could've been much worse. He could've had a burn mark on his face. They could've gotten his eyeballs out to sell. He could've lost way more than just a spleen. At least his life and career wouldn't come to an abrupt stop with a lost spleen.

Sighing, he eyed the cup of water on the nightstand. Gibbs caught the look and handed him the cup.

So far, Tony only liked to drink water, was forced to have some soft food and was prevented from anything solid. He hadn't eaten during the 6 days he'd been captured and his stomach was affected by it, so they had to start him on food gradually. Water, he always wanted because he'd spend so much time thirsty and it seemed like no amount of water could subside his thirst, and let's not speak about how those gulps of water calmed his frayed nerves or helped him to collect his thoughts.

"Will you talk to someone, Gibbs?" Tony went back to his main concern.

"I don't need to." The older man replied.

"Talk to Ducky, at least. Gibbs, you're not alright." Normally nobody, except Ducky, would dare suggest Gibbs getting help, but the situation was far from normal and when they had no audience, Tony could be just as insistent as Gibbs was and he wasn't afraid to speak his mind. Gibbs knew Tony wouldn't back off easily.

"What am I supposed to talk about?" Gibbs asked after a few moments; he'd figured that if he was going to talk, the best person to talk to was Tony; it could actually help the younger man, as well.

Tony narrowed his eyes; he immediately saw through Gibbs' act; but decided not to address it. "Your favorite color?"

Gibbs smiled slightly. "Don't have one. Next question."

"Really? You don't have a favorite color?"

"DiNozzo!"

"Fine." Tony went quiet; if Gibbs didn't want to talk to him he couldn't force him, could he? He was already putting too much energy into staying in the present and not get lost in thoughts and images of those hellish days; he didn't have much left of anything, let alone energy.

"When you'd order black coffee, we knew you weren't doing too well." Gibbs finally opted to start talking; he could see how hard Tony was trying to fix everything and he felt it wasn't fair to the younger man if he held back. No time was like the present and maybe if they talked, Tony could sleep better and he himself could get some shut-eye, as well. The younger man was right, he wasn't sleeping; he hadn't been able to, since the day he'd found Tony in that room with his side open.

Tony sighed. "Yeah. You did take care of those issues. Right?" He suddenly looked agitated as he remembered the things he'd been forced to do in order to prove his loyalty.

Gibbs studied his agent. Well, they hadn't been able to collect all the drugs distributed in streets, that would've been impossible; but there was no need to disturb Tony with that information. "Yes."

"Those two men?"

"Safe and sound with their families." That part was true, at least.

It clearly comforted Tony to some extent. "Good."

"You did great."

"Didn't turn out so good, though."

"That wasn't your fault and Melissa Chester will pay for it."

"She'd better." Tony said with a strange amount of anger in his tone.

"She will. Admiral Chester wanted to see you and apologize."

"It's not his fault that his grandchild is sick."

"I know you'd say so; told him you would."

Tony nodded. "He doesn't need to apologize. Let him know we just did our jobs; not his fault things went astray."

"What you did to find her location, DiNozzo-" Gibbs sounded sincere. "It didn't go unnoticed. You made a great sacrifice."

"Nah, wasn't that bad." Tony tried a wry smile.

"That why you kept looking more and more withdrawn those days, huh? Don't wanna know how you'd look if it were bad."

Tony sighed. "Alright, fine. I don't wanna do that ever again. But we both know I will do it again if the situation calls. It was my own choice, though. And despite everything that happened later, I don't regret it; because at that moment, we didn't know Melissa Chester wasn't in fact a victim. Besides, Vikhrov had no boundaries; if I had resisted her, she would've done it anyway and then would've gotten rid of my body."

"Still. It won't go unnoticed."

"Thanks, Boss."

"And if it still bothers you later, you have to talk about that, too, when you talk to the shrink." As Tony's boss and well, friend, he needed to make sure the younger man wouldn't have any lasting problem after this case.

"It won't. And a shrink? So it won't be Dr. Kate's sister?" Tony raised an eyebrow.

Gibbs smirked. "She is a shrink."

Tony laughed quietly. "We weren't supposed to talk about me, though. Remember? I said I'd meet her willingly, not that I have a choice, but anyway you are the one who refuses to acknowledge his problem."

"Shut it."

Tony merely tilted his head.

Gibbs rolled his eyes and shook his head before giving up. During the days that his SFA had been missing and when he hadn't been sure if he'd ever see him alive again, he'd spent too many minutes wishing for this moment and a conversation like this to shut Tony out now. If it meant he had to talk, then he would. "Fine. I didn't sleep well while you were still undercover. When your cover was blown, I couldn't even go home and when..." He went quiet and once again thought about being completely honest. "My gut was churning the night before we found you. Abby, even, had a nightmare about you having your stomach cut open."

Tony winced. "Yeah, that's about time they did... That thing." He looked down at the left side of his lower chest; the hospital gown had covered even the bandages, but he knew where the incision had been made and could see it even through layers of bandages and hospital wear. "They talked about taking out my lungs." He added quietly. "Wanted to send them to you. You know, since I told them they were scarred and weren't worth a dime." He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't realize he'd said those things aloud or that Gibbs visibly cringed at hearing it.

Gibbs knew that had it come to that; had they sent him Tony's lungs in a box, he would've totally lost it; there was only so much even he could take. He just thanked his lucky stars that it hadn't gone that far.

"When they were opening my back, it wasn't as bad as the first time." Tony found himself unable to stop. "I couldn't see it and I was numb, so I could pretend nothing was wrong. I was just... I was mostly concerned about when they were going to open my chest for my heart." His eyes had a distant look in them and his hands had started to shake slightly. "Knowing my luck, I would stay alive even a few minutes after my heart was out of my chest so I could watch the most horrifying things before finally kicking the bucket." He said with a bitter, mirthless smile at the corner of his mouth.

Gibbs' face was unnaturally white. He wasn't used to hearing Tony talking about his fears so openly; but that didn't even register on his brain as the images of Tony watching his heart getting ripped out of his chest had evaded his thoughts and he vaguely felt he might even get sick any moment.

Tony snapped out of it first and closed his eyes with a sigh, clenching his fists and wincing when his tender fingernails and broken fingers protested.

"Can I have some more water?" He asked, sounding completely spent and Gibbs was thankful for having something to do.

Passing him the cup, he realized it was his turn to open up. "I haven't had a wink of sleep since we found you like that."

"I guess I'm lucky I didn't see that one."

"You saw worse."

Tony just looked away and sighed somberly. "Do you think they'll ever go away?" He asked uncharacteristically, referring to both his nightmares and the vivid images that he kept seeing even when his eyes were open. Heck, he'd developed a phobia about anything medical and was secretly thankful that so far he'd never been left alone in that hospital room. He didn't think he could ever shake off that fear. After the plague, he'd never been able to let a needle near him and now any medical stuff, from the stupid IV bags to the surgical instruments made him feel shaken; he was sure he'd never be able to walk into the morgue again and see Ducky performing autopsy on some poor bastard.

Gibbs didn't have a definite answer to Tony's question. "They will." He said, nevertheless; it was clear to him that the younger man needed reassurance, he'd be damned if he didn't give him that.

"My body looks like a jigsaw, doesn't it?" Tony asked suddenly, knowing that Gibbs must've seen him at some point.

"Most of those scars will disappear with time." Gibbs sounded certain. "And you're alive."

Tony's shoulders slumped further if that was possible. "Good point. But-"

"I know." Gibbs said quietly, knowing that since he wasn't in Tony's shoes, it wasn't right to tell him that it didn't matter if he was going to have so many scars because of a case that hadn't even gotten where they'd hoped it would. "I'm sure Ducky will have some suggestions for you if they start to bother you too much." And by bother, he didn't mean just physically; it was a known fact that physical scars were reminders of hard days and if DiNozzo needed them gone to be able to deal with those days and memories and move on, then they'd see to it that the scars would go away. That was what the plastic surgeons were there for, right?

"How's everyone?" Tony asked after a few seconds of silence. "The last time I saw them was yesterday and... They didn't look so good."

"No. They haven't taken this too well." Gibbs shook his head, replying honestly. "Abby is a mess, she just tries to keep it together in front of you."

"She's not doing a great job." Tony said sadly. "And Bishop looks sick every time she sees me. I wish there was something I could do."

"You already did." Gibbs frowned. "You're alive, DiNozzo. Nothing else matters. They'll learn to live with it and when you get back to work, it'll get easier for everyone else, too."

"I hope so." The younger man bit his lip.

"It's not about them. They're just worried about you."

"As long as they're just worried." Tony said bitterly.

Gibbs narrowed his eyes. Was Tony really thinking that...- "They don't pity you. You should know better."

Tony remained silent, moving his tongue inside his cheek and looking anywhere but at his Boss.

"DiNozzo! They are scared and worried. They've never seen anything like this before and it's shaken them to the core." Gibbs said firmly; "But they do not feel sorry for you. Not just because they're better than that, but because they have no reason to pity you. Nobody has. Those bastards might've gotten their filthy hands on you, but you're the reason we finally got them. I'm proud of you."

"We didn't get them all." Tony said, sotto voce; he still wasn't convinced that the rest of his team, minus Ducky and Gibbs, didn't feel sorry for him and didn't look at him like a helpless victim.

"That was out of our hand." Gibbs replied, sounding softer. "Vikhrov's outta the picture and so is Chester. The rest of the gang might've gotten away for now, but the FBI is on their tail and for now, at least, they've stopped their activities."

"If I hadn't just openly told her about myself-" Tony winced at the memory of the night that everything had gone downhill.

"Dammit, DiNozzo, you had no way to know. Your mission was to find and rescue her; it's her fault things went down and you paid a heavy price for it. Stop blaming yourself." Gibbs wanted to shake the younger man, but sadly with his condition it was out of question; even hard headslaps were out of question. Life seemed hard!

Tony sighed and nodded. "Yeah. But you know what I mean."

"I do and I blame that damn girl for everything; for what you went through and for not being able to bring down the whole cartel. But it's not our case anymore; rule #11, DiNozzo."

"That's the thing; the job is not done." Tony retorted.

"Our job is."

And sadly Gibbs seemed to be right. They'd lost a case just because a girl had played them. He could only hope that the FBI was more successful next time.

"As for your earlier stupid comment; the team do not see you as a helpless victim."

Tony had to admit that he was kinda startled; those were the exact same words that had crossed his mind, after all.

"Hell, you just proved how strong you are, DiNozzo." Gibbs frowned, not understanding how Tony couldn't see it. "They probably just have trouble understanding how you did it."

Tony stared Gibbs in the eyes and finally felt a bit better.

"We're all here for you, you know that, right?" This time, Gibbs sounded a bit worried.

"I do. I'm just..." He averted his eyes. "Well, not so sure of myself, this time."

Gibbs felt a pang of sadness and fear in his chest. "You're gonna pull through just fine."

The certainty in his voice made Tony feel fuzzy and his teeth let go of the corner of his mouth.

"Thanks, Gibbs." Tony locked his gaze with his boss', hoping that his boss was right again.

Gibbs held his gaze and nodded and then added, "And I'm sorry." 'For not being there; for not being able to have your back properly; for leaving you in their hands; for being late.' He thought with himself.

Tony smiled tiredly. "Thanks, but really, not your fault." He didn't think mentioning rule #6 was a good idea at that moment. Not when the tension was still so high.

Gibbs studied his SFA and once again vowed to be there for him every step of his journey to recovery. They all knew this time it'd gone too far and coming back from it wouldn't be as easy as before; even though some of the things that they, or more specifically Tony, had come back from hadn't been easy at all. That only meant that this time it was beyond bad; but they still had each other and they still had Tony's back.

He thought that he might've failed him in the operation and in finding him in time, but he, at least, had found his friend alive and despite everything, the younger man wasn't broken. So there was still hope and Gibbs knew they'd pull through this one, too.

With his eyes closed, Tony tried to think about anything but his lost spleen or his scarred body. He itched for a few hours of nightmare-free sleep. He knew he needed it to be able to get over those terrifying days. He needed to get back to his feet and back to his beloved job. That was the only thing that could help him; he couldn't let Albina Vikhrov and Melissa Chester and all those other bastards win; he had to beat this and move on. Giving up wasn't in Anthony DiNozzo's vocabulary. After this, he might struggle; he might not be able to keep his head above the water all the time; but he knew he had a safety net and if it got too hard to go on, he knew Gibbs and his other friends would be there to catch him and help him to stay on his feet.

He also knew from experience that these things were especially hard at the beginning; so he just had to push for a while and then it'd get easier; a little bit at least and he had to admit, Kate's sister was surprisingly good at her job and would probably help him more than he could imagine at the moment.

So yes, it would get easier. He was sure of that; he just had to make sure of one more thing; that while he recovered, so would Gibbs and his team. It was, after all, his job to look out for them and make sure they were alright. What they'd heard and witnessed couldn't have been easy and even though they hadn't had it as bad as he had, they still were clearly rattled and troubled.

So yes, he'd push himself forward, lean on them when it was needed and support them however he could.

Those bastards weren't going to win in breaking them apart.

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... TBC ...

A/N: This turned out to be a long chapter as I was going to end things here; but then I decided to add an epilogue to wrap up things properly. So, next chapter will be the epilogue.

Share your thoughts with me.

And of course, I'm very thankful for all your comments, all the alerts and faves.

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One more thing; do you think I should change the rating of this story to M?

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All mistakes are mine.

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