A Reason to Stay

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Chapter 7

EPOV

Wrapped in my loves arms, holding her all night whilst she sleeps, hearing her cry out my name in her sleep. Beg me not to leave her, not to throw our love on the scrap heap, not throw away our chance of real happiness. How do I make a rational decision when her anguish pulses through my very being. Am I fighting a losing battle? Am I strong enough to walk away from the very best thing that has ever happened to me? Can I really leave her? Knowing that she doesn't want me to, knowing she doesn't believe it necessary, knowing how much it will tear us both apart.

The hours of dark have given me a chance to think, it has also given me the chance to re connect with my Bella, I've missed holding her, being with her in the most intimate of ways. Our love making last night was so special to both of us. Knowing she was prepared to go way outside her comfort zone just for me. She humbles me in every way possible. Her love for me so accepting of what I am so unconditional so absolute.

I love her so much, but to think that I am the reason she may be hurt, to think that one of my kind could be responsible for ending her life. I cannot and will not allow that to happen. I would rather live in a self imposed kind of hell than allow anything to happen to her.

Alice has seen a vision of when we leave she has seen Bella, deathly white, thin, no light in her eyes, no smile on her lips. Tears never far from her eyes, dark rings under her eyes from lack of sleep. She is existing rather than living, she is not communicating with anyone not even Charlie. It tears me apart to see her that way. Alice tells me its my doing for leaving her.

She also shows me what I will be like, I'm alone in a dark room, my eyes too completely dead, black not from lust but thirst. Deep purple rings surround my eyes as I refuse to drink. I have no desire to be with my family, I have removed myself from them. My gift has gone I have no strength and just want to die.

Carlisle will consider coming and forcing me to return to them.

It seems like my decision will not only affect Bella and myself but my whole family too. More pressure for me. More for me to worry about.

Dawn is breaking I can see the first sign of the sun rising. The sky turning a slight pinky colour. Bella stirs in my arms. We had been spooning, now she turns to face me, her eyes are still close but her mouth seeks mine and I am not going to refuse her. Our lips move in perfect sync, instinctively knowing what the other wants and needs. Our tongue's dance, love and fight for dominance. Our kisses deepen with every movement. Her hands now involved exploring my body. Her fingers so small and delicate feel like feathers on my skin. It feels wonderful, a gasp escaping from my mouth.

It would be so easy to just give in to the glorious feeling now been created but I know doing this again will not help me make my decision. Try I really do to distance our kiss to move away from her touch. She just moves with me, a little groan of protest when I stop kissing her. She shifts her body with mine, any further and I'll fall of the bed. Her eyes are now trained on mine asking silent questions about my reluctance to give in to our passion.

"Bella love, you know I love you but I still think this is a bad idea, being together like this is not going to make the decisions we have to face any easier." I try to let her see how hard it is or me too.

"Edward I just want to be together for as long as we can. If you do decide you don't want me anymore then at least I'll know that I did everything in my power to change your mind."

"I'll never not want you Bella. This isn't about how I feel about you its about your safety."

"Prove you want me Edward, prove it to me now." she says with a small sigh.

How can I refuse her asking me prove how I feel, how can she even think I don't want her, I want her every minute of every day. I love her and will love her for the rest of my existence.

Proving my love for her is easy, I show her over and over again just how much she means to me. Can I live without making love to my Bella again? Do I even want to? Is there anything I can do to make her safe. I can make her immortal. No I could never take away her soul.

The emotional rollercoaster of our lovemaking astounds me. One minute she is crying out in ecstasy the next she is sobbing in despair. How do I help her, I can't because I am the one who is giving her both of these emotions. Our love strong and sure, our physical even more sure as we join as one, our relationship now teetering in the brink of ruin. Am I strong enough to make the right decision for both of us. I need to consider if she should be party to the decision seeing as it does effect her as much as me. I doubt she can be as rational as I can.

Several orgasm's later I know we'll have to get up. Although all our problems would be solved if we could stay in bed for the rest of our lives. We never had a problem in bed. Ever.

The shower beckons and when she asks me to join her I'm surprised. I realise she just wants to prolong our time together. Hand in hand we walk into the luxury en suite. As before the hot powerful water jets add to the sensations being created by our touches. Soon we are once agin lost in each others bodies. She feels so good wrapped around me, she's warm, wet and tight and her movements nearly push me over the edge. I want to give into the sensations and explode inside her so that I can start all over again. Being a lusty vampire has its advantages and the ability to have sex over and over again is just one of them. I do control myself though and hold on a whole longer.

When our climaxes hit we both crash to the floor, I make sure she is over me and lands without hurting herself. Even my legs for now would struggle to support me. The water continue to pound us as we come back to reality.

Once dressed Bella looks at me shyly or even a little sad,

"do you want to talk some more Edward or shall I go?'

"I do want to talk to you love but its time for school and I don't want us to be late."

Down stairs Alice looks up as we descend. Her eyes asking if everything is okay, are Bella and I okay. She thinks she still looks sad.

"Alice will you drop me off home so I can pick up my truck?" she asks my sister.

"I'll drop you Bella"

"No Edward I'd rather Alice did it. Thank you anyway."

She sounds so cold so distant, she won't even look at me. I get the feeling she is protecting herself against my future decision. It hurts me no end to know that I am doing this to her. When she and Alice walk out of the door I feel like something inside me dies. Have I really lost her, have I made love to her for the last time? I wonder...

BPOV

Coming around from a deep slumber I don't want to open my eyes. I can feel Edward spooned around me. It feels so good so right. I turn in his arms and seek out his lips. Kissing this incredible man is one of my favourite things to do. I ache to do this every minute of every day. It is all I long for when we are apart. He matches my kisses fully and doesn't stop my hands exploring his divine body. I'm just hotting things up when he does back off.

He tells me he has still make his mind up about our future and making love again will only make the decision harder and the result even harder.

I don't care, like I'd told him last night I want to be as close to him as I possibly can for as long as I can. I want somethng to remember when I'm alone.

He doesn't resist me too long, his need almost as bad as my own. How can he even begin to think this is wrong.

"I'll always want you Bella" he says and proves it me to over and over again.

Making love with Edward is like nothing I have ever experienced in my whole life. I literally takes my breath away. I will never tire of it. Being a vampire means Edward has a lot of stamina as well as an endless erection. I love it when he explodes into me again and again and still doesn't stop. Hours go by and still he is moving in and out of me. I love it, I love him.

Finally sated we get up it is light now and I need to shower I cannot resist

"Edward are you going to join me in the shower?"

Once again our passions take over and we make love again under the hot spray of the shower. When we cum together my legs give out, his must to for we both fall to the floor. Everything about us and our love is right. I can't believe he would be prepared to throw us away. I might not believe it but it seems to be happening.

Getting dressed I go quiet, how can I talk to him. Last night I had opened myself up completely trying to make him see that I need him and that we should be together that we are meant to be. His mood and body language now tells me that I had opened myself up for nothing other than a night of mind blowing sex.

Walking down the step he grabs my hand, I don't stop him. I don't have the energy. I'm done I'm too tired emotionally to keep doing this. If we aren't that important to him so be it. At least I'll know I tried, I tried to save us.

Alice is waiting her eyes expectant, she wants to know if we're okay if we have resolved our differences. I can't even look at her, I know I'll cry.

"Alice can you drop me home so I can pick up the truck?"

He immediately jumps in saying he'll do it. I can't, I can't let him drive me home. I need some space I can't be near him anymore it hurts too much.

My bag appears at my side in a flash, Alice drops it by my side. I see the flinch of pain in Edward's eyes as he realises I won't be back to stay. I walk outside to stand by Alice's car. She joins me a moment later. I know she'll have been giving him a piece of her mind. I don't look back but can feel his eyes watching us drive away from the porch.

"Are you okay Bella?" she ask concerned.

The silent tears that have been falling now descend full pelt and I cannot help a loud sob from coming out.

"Alice we had the most incredible night and morning and still it makes no difference to him, still he has his own stupid ideas on that. He wants to protect me, he loves me but we cannot be together. Alice how can he act like he did last night and let me leave? What am I going to do without him?"

Her cold hard hand takes mine and she gives it a gentle squeeze.

"Bella I firmly believe he thinks he is doing the right thing. He loves you so much, of that there is no doubt. He is an idiot a fool of the highest order and he needs to realise his mistake on his own."

"I know he loves me Alice and god help me I love him too, too much, but I'm done. I don't have the strength to do this. I am going to walk away like he wants to, I am going to try and move on with my life. I'm sure it will kill me seeing him around school every day but I have to do this Alice I have to protect myself. I hope we can still be friends, will you come and spend time with me Alice here at my home? For obvious reason I'm not going to be able to come to your's.

Alice seems surprised by my resolve.

"Bella have you told Edward this? Does he know you have decided this?"

No Alice, he'll be happy to know I'll just stop harassing him, stop turning up in his bed naked looking or hot vampire sex. I guess he'll soon understand."

"You need to tell him person or I will"

"You tell him them if its so important, I'll see you at school Alice." I say getting out of the car.

She is gone in a flash, I walk into the house feeling even more sad now that I had made the decision Edward was struggling to make.

Driving to school I wonder if he'll make a scene at school. Knowing Edward's proper etiquette I'm sure he won't. As I pull in the car park I see his volvo is already parked. He isn't in it so I get out of my truck and make my way to class.

Mike Newton is still sniffing around me I do my best to have a laugh and join in but my heart is just not in it. I do see Edward lurking, never very far away watching me and all my actions. At lunch I decide to grab a quick sandwich and head for the library.

I find a table in the quiet of the back reference stalls. I eat and do my homework as best I can. I can feel his presence before I see him. He sits down opposite me.

"When were you going to tell me Bella?"

"I wasn't"

"Why?"

"I didn't think it was necessary"

"Can you tell me what last night was all about if you had already decided it was over?"

"I hadn't decided then"

"No?"

"No"

"Tell me why Bella"

"Because it saves you tormenting yourself over making the decision and I can't just hang in limbo anymore Edward." I tell him honestly.

"What if my decision would have been to stay and be together, what then"

"I suppose we'll never know now. It doesn't matter anymore."

"It matters to me Bella"

"Go away Edward please just leave me alone and I promise I'll leave you alone."

"I love you Isabella Swan"

"I know Edward and I love you too."

With what sounded like a desperate dry sob he pushes the chair away and walks away. My tears begin to fall then. I cannot face school this afternoon. I go home.

Charlie raises an eyebrow when I walk through the door two hours early. One look at my face and he returns his attention to his newspaper. He doesn't do teenage emotions well and he'd rather ignore my obvious suffering.

In the privacy of my room I let it all out. I'd scream if I could. I just feel like it has all been such a waste. All that love, all those emotions for what? Laying on my bed I let myself be drawn back to Eagles Nook. How I wish we were back there, no worries, no other vampires wanting to drain me of blood just us Edward and me together and in love.

I must have dropped off to sleep, its dark when I wake, I make my way down the steps. Charlie has gone to work. I'm alone. I had gotten used to being with someone. Now I had to get reused to being on my own. A note from my Dad said he'd left me some tea in the fridge.

A small knock on the door surprises me. Should I ignore it?

I decide not to and am surprised to see Esme standing on my doorstep.

"Esme, what a surprise come on in please"

"Bella I had to come, Alice told me how your efforts last night had failed to change Edward's mind. My son Bella is a pig headed idiot who would rather make himself miserable than accept you two belong together. I'm so sorry Bella, please don't give up on us because of this."

Esme, I love Edward more than my life but he is tearing himself apart over this decision, that tells me its wrong so I've taken the decision away from him and decided to end it for him. It will kill me Esme but I can't be in this limbo, knowing we love each other and should be together but Edward and his rules. It's better this way. I love you all like my own family and asked Alice to stay in touch. I would love to see you all but I cannot visit you for obvious reasons. Please Esme understand."

My tears once again falling freely now.

"Did you tell Edward at school today it was over Bella? He come home at lunch time inconsolable.

"I saw him at lunch yes and we did have a conversation. I told him that I loved him although he knows that already. I did what he was scared to do Esme I just ended his agony."

"No Bella I think you just brought it on."

We talk some more but we keep the conversation non Edward related its easier that way. We agree to see each other as much as possible, shopping trips, walks. When she leaves I feel more sad than before. She came to fight Edward's corner and I shot her down in flames. Now the decision was made there was no point in wondering about what if's...

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