Thank you for all of the reviews on the last chapter, especially those of you who consistently take the time to give feedback. I so appreciate it. I wish I could take all of you into my mind when I'm putting thoughts to paper. When I finish a chapter and am ready to publish it, it's such an incredible high. And then…bam. Reality. The next chapter is a blank page with a title at the top. I can't tell you how long I sometimes have to stare at that empty page before words start taking over. I would be lying if I said I wasn't often just a tiny bit anxious it won't happen. Anyway, long ramble to say…that's why I am grateful for the reviews. Helps those moments of crazy not be so crazy. Lol

"Gone"

Chapter Seven

Morning came slowly, sunlight crawling across our view to fill what had been darkness as Derek slept. I hadn't closed my eyes much, which is why I had the incredible experience of watching the sun rise for the first time in my life. It was stunning, and I was mesmerized as I watched rays dance more and more across the sky, black melting away into the most gorgeous peach and blue I think I'd ever seen. This was the view Derek loved to watch from the ferry. This is what he'd described to me so many times. I'd always pretended to share his excitement. I'd always answered with some half attentive remark, sometimes playfully giving him a hard time about how enamored he was with the simplicity of nature. In this moment, standing there at the window of his ICU room, I would have given anything to be standing on the ferry with my husband. My heart pleaded with my mind to pull up a memory of the last time we'd been there, my back pressed gently into his chest as his arms wrapped around my waist.

The memory, of course, seemed trapped somewhere in the hell that was my exhausted psyche, and I angrily brushed tears from my eyes. My hand clenched into a fist, frustration building. Everything had fallen apart. Derek, he was the sunrise. He'd always been the sunrise to me. He'd taken a dark and empty life and given it meaning. He'd pulled me out of the water when I was drowning, bringing my eyes above the surface of the deep dark blue.

We'd find a way to make life work with a new normal, we were finding a way to make it work, but I missed him so deeply that sometimes I thought I couldn't stand another second of it. The beautiful mosaic of colors that was the man I loved was slowly being consumed by a creeping darkness. It was like watching the sunlight fade at night. I wanted it to all just stop. I wanted to throw something, punch something, shatter the glass of that window. The window had us trapped, an angry metaphorical reminder of what my husband's new reality had become. He was lost in his own mind now, often locked away so tightly that he couldn't even tell me he loved me. I bit back a sob, one hand leaving the window ledge to cover my mouth. I missed Derek so much that it physically hurt. My stomach clenched, and I had to take a few deep breaths to center myself again, so grateful he was still sleeping so he didn't have to see me fall apart. I sunk to the floor, turning so my back pressed into the cold tile behind me. Sobs came before I could stop them, and after a moment I gave in to emotions that had been locked down since we came back to the hospital. I don't know how long I cried, but when I was done I had an odd sense of peace. A cathartic release, I'd heard people say before, and I guess that's what had just happened, because when I stood I felt ready to take on another day. I felt ready to fight another round with the man in front of me. He deserved that. I knew he couldn't do this alone.

"Hey,"

The smile I gave him wasn't forced. "Hey yourself." I sat down in the chair where I wondered if anyone actually ever slept. It was supposed to be for that purpose, though I couldn't imagine who ever thought it would serve anyone well. The recline was a joke, and it had to be just about the most uncomfortable thing I'd ever felt. Well, maybe not ever, but it sure was a close third or fourth. "Guess you were pretty tired. Haven't seen you sleep that soundly in a while."

He gave me the most beautiful grin I think I'd ever seen, though that could just have been because twelve hours earlier I'd been left wondering if it was the last time I'd ever see it. "What time?"

I wondered, for a fleeting moment, if he'd stopped there to avoid the struggle of more words. I didn't press. I didn't allow concern to creep into my expression. My face remained impassive. I would not let this man know I was still so scared. Time was the best proof. I would have to let patience pull me forward, just like I had the last five weeks. I could do this. I would do this. There was no other choice. A slow and cleansing breath settled another tense and unsettled feeling in my stomach. "It's just after six. Not quite time for rounds, though I'm sure Dr. Nelson is somewhere stalking you in the hallway, waiting for…"

Derek didn't even try to stifle his laugh when the door opened.

I smirked at him, giggling when he winked at me. God, we were like two kids in high school. I loved every second.

"Dr. Nelson."

He regarded me cooly, and I could no longer contain my own laughter. I'm sure my cheeks were fifteen shades of red from embarrassment, but Derek's continued laughter made it so worth the fact that I was making a fool out of myself in front of a colleague. I was so thankful for post-op intravenous pain meds. Demerol was a beautiful thing. Had it not been for that, I'm sure my husband would have been more aware of the pain in his head from the flurry of activity.

"You look much better than you did when I last saw you, Derek." How was it possible that someone could completely ignore this level of shenanigans around him? I shot Derek a look, daring him to keep cutting up with his surgeon standing there.

I didn't know if he caved because he could see the shade of my skin or if he was growing tired already, but his laughter died down as I took his hand. "Slept." He said simply.

Just like that, the book of fun slammed shut, reality crashing back with a resounding thud in my chest. Another one word answer. My stomach rolled again, and I unconsciously moved my free hand to rest there. I couldn't help that my smile faded into a frown. Was Dr. Nelson right? Was the continued language deficit a sign of blood still trapped in his brain? It seemed to be growing, the communication struggle, that was. I was quiet, contemplating, and for once grateful that Dr. Nelson steered the conversation and action plan.

"Your nurse told me she didn't see you stir much last night. Glad you were able to get some rest." Dr. Nelson did a quick assessment and glanced at Derek's surgical site before grabbing the stool from the other side of the room. He sat down, studying the man in the ICU bed, clearly fighting with himself about what to do next. "How about that counting? Can you count backwards from ten for me now?"

Derek's hesitation was like pulling the pin on a grenade I didn't know I was holding. Panic gripped me. The room began to spin. I felt like I was going to puke. No one noticed. My husband was too busy watching the ceiling as I assumed he tried to gather the skills needed to do as he was being asked, and Dr. Nelson was too busy watching him.

Silence stretched.

"Ten,"

I released a breath I didn't know I'd been holding, giving Derek's hand a gentle squeeze of support.

It felt like an eternity, but I watched the seconds click on the clock, and a little less than a minute later, Derek whispered a small victory. "One." His eyes were closed now, and I knew he was tired. My thumb brushed over the back of his hand, and I caught Dr. Nelson's gaze. "I'll be right back, Derek." I whispered, slowly releasing his hand. "Get some sleep."

I could see he wanted to protest, but he closed his eyes almost as soon as he opened them. Exhaustion was winning this fight. Derek didn't stand a chance.

I followed Dr. Nelson into the hallway after he held the door open for me.

"I told you last night that he could count." Admittedly, I wasn't quite ready to let him off the hook for the frustration he'd caused the previous evening. No matter how justified in his intentions, I didn't want that kind of pressure around Derek.

"Meredith," Dr. Nelson sighed, and I could tell he had to bite his tongue to keep from saying what was really on his mind. That was fine. He could stay angry at me. I didn't care. As long as he took good care of my husband, we were good. "I wouldn't be a good surgeon if I didn't double check and triple check that things were okay with my patient. Derek's been through a lot, and I don't want there to be another setback because I tried to spare someone's feelings."

"Fair enough." I crossed my arms over my chest, leaning against the wall. "So?"

"I think for now, you're right. This seems to be his new normal, though I was hoping it would improve some when we addressed the bleed. I know you're hesitant that I have a good head on my shoulders…"

He gave me a pointed stare when I opened my mouth to argue. He left no room for argument. "I need you to tell me if there is even the slightest change in his affect."

"Of course." I frowned, dropping my defenses, barely. "Dr. Nelson, Derek is…he's…" I glanced back at the door behind me. "That man in there," My eyes met the gaze of the surgeon in front of me. "That mean is everything to me. I would never put his wellbeing in jeopardy, not for my own pride. I will always tell you if I think there's something off."

Dr. Nelson smiled, reaching over and briefly patting my shoulder. "If he continues to do well, we'll see about transferring him to a regular floor tomorrow morning. I should be able to discharge him Friday."

"Thank you." I breathed a sigh of relief when I sat back down at Derek's bedside, watching the steady rise and fall of his chest that told me he was sleeping. The waves were starting to fade. The thunderous storm that had threatened Derek yet again was dissipating, and I hoped this time it was gone for good. I was ready to get back on the path of recovery.

** GA ** GA ** GA **

Friday morning brought us home a second time. Rain followed despite my pouting about the crummy weather on the first day Derek had seen the outside world in a week. Why today, of all days, did there have to be a monsoon? Freaking Seattle! I hated this city so much. What Derek saw in it I would never know. If not for that man, I would have taken a job elsewhere as soon as my intern year was over.

"You deserved sunshine." I mumbled grumpily, tucking a blanket around him after he was settled in our bed. I grabbed another pillow, shoving it between the wall and his head so he didn't look so uncomfortable. The twinkle in his eye just made me frown further. "What?"

"You..you're…so…"

I hoped my fingers running through what was left of his hair, just curls on one side now, would distract him. I hoped it would save him from feeling frustrated that his words were still worse than they'd been before his second hospital trip. It seemed to work, because I felt him relax under my touch, and he managed to finish his sentence.

"So cute. When you're grumpy."

I planted a kiss on his lips. My hand left his hair to take his, and I smiled when his fingers closed around mine. I settled into bed next to him, head resting against his shoulder. "Sometimes in the mornings, there is the most beautiful sunrise. I just, I wanted you to see it today. I wanted you to see something beautiful, Derek. You deserve that. You deserve everything that is good in this world. The accident has robbed you of so much, so many things that you should have. I wanted you to see the fricken sunrise."

"It's okay," His words were a whisper against the top of my head, his grip tightening on my hand ever so slightly. "It's okay." His words were shaky the second time, and I knew he was trying to convince both of us. But it wasn't okay. Nothing was okay. What if it never was?

"I hate watching you struggle. It hurts me, Derek. I don't want to do it anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't." I was so angry when tears came without permission. I was sobbing before I even knew what happened, and I vaguely noticed Derek's arms wrapping me in an even tighter hold. He let me cry there against his chest in what I knew had to be such a hard moment for him. This was the moment I'd insisted could never happen, the moment I forbid myself from having. What was happening to me? Why could I not get a hold on my own emotions? I felt pathetic.

I could not, would not, ever, break down in front of him. And yet, there I was, epic crying in his arms. Snot and tears were, everywhere. I gulped a few times, desperately fighting back against the floodgates that had been opened. "I'm sorry. So sorry." I mumbled. I felt his hand rubbing my back, and I was angry all over again. Why was he trying to soothe me? It wasn't his job to soothe me. I couldn't do this. I needed to pull myself together. This was ridiculous. I was being ridiculous. I concluded, as tears finally began to subside, that I must be getting ready to start my overdue period. I mean, sure, everything recently was more than enough to explain someone having a mental breakdown, but I was not normally this far gone. PMS sucked.

"It's okay," Derek planted soft kisses against my hair, whispering the same words over and over until I was calm again. He smiled when my eyes caught his. I had no idea how he could be this incredible. And yet, he proved again and again that he really was more than I ever could have hoped for. Derek was a breath of fresh air, every day, every second. "I love you." His hand fell gently behind my ear, stopping to caress my cheek. He brushed his thumb lightly across my skin as my hand moved to rest on his. "We will.." He paused, staring at me with an impassive look, and I knew he was using most of his reserves to finish that thought. "Get through…this."

"You're amazing," Words fell into the silence before I could stop them, an almost breathless whisper before I leaned in enough for my lips to meet his. I couldn't help but smile when he yawned. "Sleep, Derek. I'll be here. Do you need any pain meds?" He was pretty independent now, physically, but I helped guide him back to his pillow anyway. His eyes were already closed, and I doubted he was going to take me up on my offer for drugs, so I cuddled against him again, pulling the sheet over me to block the flow of the air from the overhead fan against my bare feet. I felt as exhausted as he looked, and since I didn't really have another explanation for why, I assumed it was because I was so emotionally spent.

"No pain."

He confirmed what I'd already surmised. I allowed my eyes to close, suddenly grateful for the steady sound of rain against the glass of our bedroom windows. It lulled me to sleep in minutes, Derek and I resting soundly there together for the next couple of hours.

When I woke, the space next to me was empty, my arm stretching across cool white sheets. The melody of the water outside was gone, leaving behind an almost eerie quiet. I frowned at the lack of warmth beside me. "Derek?" Blinking a couple times, I sat up slowly, glancing at the clock. It'd been three hours, and I was immediately shocked by how long I'd been out. "Derek?" I repeated his name, this time with more urgency. My feet found their way to the walnut boards beneath me, toes curling a bit against the sudden cold.

"Kitchen."

I released the breath I'd been holding, my sense of dread slowly subsiding. He didn't sound distressed. "What are you doing?" I hadn't meant to sound so, parental, but I couldn't help it. He'd scared me to death. The last time I was without him he'd had a seizure. His brain had been bleeding.

"Hey," If he noticed my mood, he didn't let on. He offered me a smile, motioning to the empty wine glass on the counter in front of him, a half full one next to it. "Care to indulge?"

"Derek," I stared, blinking rapidly in an effort to not look at him like he was completely insane. Was he, insane? This man in front of me resembled so much of the man I'd been married to before the accident that I almost thought it was a cruel joke. This couldn't be real. Derek couldn't be standing there offering me wine, looking absurdly sexy in our kitchen with just boxers covering half of his legs. I couldn't help but look at his chiseled chest. I'm sure I stared long enough for him to notice, because it was his soft chuckle that startled me from my own thoughts. "What are you doing?" I snapped, and he grinned at me.

"Offering…my wife. A drink." He didn't wait for my answer. Instead he filled the empty vessel with crimson liquid before gently sliding it toward me.

"Derek," God, why was I acting like such an adolescent moron? Could I not put an intelligent sentence together? "What…"

"Meredith," He swallowed, hard, taking a small sip from his own glass before he continued. "We need…this. We, need some.." He sighed, clearly getting a bit frustrated. "Drink." He glanced when I picked up what he'd poured for me, and I could see tension leave him when I sipped it.

I loved wine. Only, this time wine didn't love me back. My stomach marched an immediate revolt against me, and I had to draw in a deep breath to keep from hurling onto clean tile. The glass quickly found its way back to the counter. What the hell was wrong with me?! "Are you trying to seduce me, Derek? Because it's really, really working."

My abrupt change of subject worked, because he didn't even try to respond to my bizarre reaction to the alcohol. Instead he winked at me, a twinkling behind his blue eyes. "Maybe I am."

I grinned, queasy stomach forgotten. "You, are, beautiful." I stepped in front of him, one hand resting on his chest. This moment was so normal I almost forgot everything over the last weeks. Derek's lips found their way to mine as I carefully removed the glass from his hand, setting it on the counter while my other hand trailed fingers down his bare skin. "Derek, we…" He silenced my worry and protests with another kiss, effectively shutting down my ability to even consider whether or not sex was okay given his recent surgery. Trial by fire initiated.

A ridiculous amount of work went into this chapter, and yet I'm still sort of nervous at how it will be received. Please let me know how you like it and the direction this story is going so far.