Sonny is feeling lost, Liv lends a hand, and Barba makes a decision.

Timeline: After episode 18x03 (Imposter)

Chapter 7: Restless

Sonny sighed heavily as he was finishing up his police reports. It was the 3rd time he sighed despondently within the last half hour, which did not go unnoticed by Rollins and Fin who were observing discretely from the break room.

"Do you think we should ask what's wrong?" Fin ventured.

"I don't know. It doesn't seem like something we can help with. I'm not even sure HE knows what's bothering him."

"This reminds me of what my son went through during his college days."

"Oh, you mean like during midterms and finals?"

"Actually, I mean like afterwards. After studying and cramming so hard before the test, he would came crashing down hard in the following days."

"Most people recover the minute it's over. I sure didn't have any problems during my college days."

"Well, some people need that pressure to perform. It's like withdrawal for a junkie when that pressure is gone."

"You're not suggesting that Sonny..." Rollins replied incredulously.

"Of course not. What I'm saying is that he might be missing that drive he's been using to push himself to the finish line when he was in night school. Now that he's passed the bar, things are a little out of whack. I mean, I'd feel a little let down too if I wasn't able to do what I wanted, after working so hard."

"I hear you. And from the way it's looking, it's not like he's going to be practicing law anytime soon."

"Did he mention anything about it to you?"

"Not a peep. But I can certainly empathize with him going through withdrawal."

"Hey Amanda, I didn't mean to..."

"It's okay Fin. You don't have to tiptoe around it. But I appreciate the sentiment. Whatever's bothering Sonny, I hope he's going to be okay."

"Dude's a sharp cookie. He'll figure it out."

Sonny almost sighed again as he could hear Rollins and Fin talking about him even from his desk a few feet away. He was feeling a little lost lately, but for more reasons than one. It was true that he didn't exactly envision himself still doing this when he had become an actual lawyer a few months ago. But he no one to blame except himself. It had been his decision to put his aspirations on the backburner for the time being. It was such a weird place to be at this point in his life. He was a detective first, and a lawyer second, when it should have been the other way around. But with Dodds passing away, it just didn't feel right to leave yet. So here he was in his third year at SVU, a little older, a little wiser, and a little more seasoned. But something was still missing.

There was a restlessness Sonny had never felt before and it seemed to be nagging at him lately. It was never like that when he was going to law school. At least back then, he had an attainable goal to work towards. But now that he achieved that goal, he wasn't doing anything with his law degree. He thought that once he passed the bar, it would open new doors for him. As a police officer, he enforced the law. And as a lawyer, he wanted to follow through and see that justice was meted out. And yet, here he was sitting at his desk doing paperwork and letting his license gather dust.

The only source of comfort was his one on one meetings with Barba, where he got a chance to flex his lawyer muscles. Barba even went out of his way to set up an interview for him with ADA LaRosa in Brooklyn a few months ago. Even though that didn't work out, it was still a good experience for Sonny and LaRosa promised to keep him in mind in the future. At least Sonny still felt useful and alive again when Barba felt inclined to share some of the current cases he was working with him. They would go back and forth brainstorming, and do mock court sessions. Barba would sometimes even use some of Sonny's suggestions as they planned strategies for their SVU cases.

But those meetings were getting fewer and farther between these days. And whenever Barba stopped by the station, he barely acknowledged Sonny's presence. It was all business and then he would take off without so much as a goodbye. Barba didn't even bother with his teasing as much as he used to. It was almost as though Sonny wasn't even worth the effort anymore. At first, Sonny had chalked it up to Barba being preoccupied with the death threats looming in the background. Even with the 24/7 security detail, he seemed to go about his usual routine like it was business as usual. But it was obvious that he hated the idea of being constantly under the microscope and having his freedom compromised. And despite Liv's and Sonny's objections, Barba had called off the security detail after only one month. It was just like him, the stubborn jackass. But even afterwards, Barba continued with his distant behavior. Their relationship or whatever it was called now, was in a weird place as well, which was the other reason for Sonny's despondent mood. They were still friends, but Barba didn't even come close to treating Sonny like he used to. In fact, he seemed to be going in the opposite direction and at times, completely ignoring him. And the worst part of it all was that Sonny didn't even know why Barba had practically cut him off from his life.

But in spite of everything, Sonny had not forgotten that earth shattering kiss from Barba that rocked his world. It seemed like eons ago and yet, Sonny could still remember it as if it were yesterday. Like he was ever going to forget Barba's touch or the way his kiss stirred a fire deep within him. Sometimes Sonny got the distinct feeling that he was being watched, but Barba never made a move or gave so much as a hint that he still had any lingering feelings for him in the romantic sense. For the longest time, Sonny convinced himself that he was just caught up in the heat of the moment, but it had been a convenient excuse to mask how he really felt. The truth was that he missed Barba and he wanted to be with him in more than just the platonic sense. But it wasn't like he could do anything about it since Barba had made it perfectly clear that he wasn't interested in him because of his conflicting emotions.

That's where Chloe Reed had stepped into the picture. Sonny had met her at Fordham University in the main library while doing research for one his cases where they had literally bumped into each other and sort of hit it off from there. Chloe was nice, smart, pretty, and had so much in common with Sonny. She laughed at his dumb jokes and never complained when he rambled on incessantly about his family and work. Chloe was exactly what he needed...but ultimately not what he wanted. Sonny knew that it really wasn't fair to her, but his loneliness and separation from Barba had driven him to seek some much needed companionship. Unfortunately, like most of Sonny's relationships, it didn't last long due to his unpredictable work schedule and due to the nature of his work at SVU. But Sonny knew that his relationship with her ultimately failed, because he never wanted it to succeed in the first place. He was still hung up on Barba. The heart wants what it wants, plain and simple.

Sonny's feelings only intensified over time as well as the frustration of not being able to act upon them. Sometimes his frustration manifested itself in an unexpected outburst of anger usually aimed at Barba himself. Sonny was half expecting and half hoping that Barba would tire of his antics and break off all contact with him, but it never happened. Lately, he seemed to be drifting away from the happy-go-lucky Sonny Carisi that people had come to know and expect. He didn't smile as much, he didn't joke as much, and he was letting the job get to him. And it was only exacerbated by his inner turmoil with the whole Barba situation as well as his frustration with not being to utilize his lawyer skills as much as he wanted to.

"Hello? Earth to Sonny? Anyone home?"

"What? Oh. Sorry Amanda. Guess I wasn't listening."

"Yeah, no kidding."

"What were you saying?"

"I asked if you wanted to stop by my place tonight and visit Jesse. She misses you."

"Aw, I miss the little rug rat too. How about I take a raincheck on that? I promise to visit soon."

"Are you sure you won't change your mind? I make a pretty mean grilled cheese sandwich."

"Well that does sound tempting, but thanks all the same. I just want to finish up here and then go home."

"You've been working late most nights. Did you and your friend have a fight or something?"

"None of your business," Sonny snapped. He immediately gave an apologetic look. "Sorry. I do appreciate the concern, but I'm fine. Give Jesse a big hug and kiss for me, okay?"

"I will. Don't stay too late. You're making the rest of us look bad."

Sonny nodded before going back to work. At this point, it was the only constant in his life.

"So Barba, how long are you going to keep up with this charade of yours?"

Barba quirked one eyebrow up in response as Olivia sat back in her office chair grinning like a Cheshire cat. "And what charade am I supposed to be keeping up?"

"The one where you pretend to ignore Carisi even though you want to be with him."

"I thought you had better things to do with your time, Liv. What's the matter? Slow day at the office?"

"Ha, ha. You can deny it all you want, but this is me you're talking to, remember?"

"Oh well, since you put it that way, I should just confess everything," Barba replied sarcastically. "How exactly did you come up with this amusing theory, anyway?"

"I'm a detective. It's my job to find clues, piece them together, and come to a conclusion. You're as guilty as the day is long, counselor."

"I wasn't aware that I was on trial here. Not that it's any of your business, but Carisi and I are just friends. Nothing else."

"But you two haven't been acting friendly lately. At least YOU haven't. And it becomes my business when there's something going on between the ADA and one of my staff members."

Barba sighed deeply. "There is nothing going on, Liv."

"You made sure of that, didn't you? Look, I don't care what you two do away from work. What I do care is when it affects Carisi to the point where I don't even recognize him anymore."

"What's wrong? What's the matter with him?" Barba asked immediately.

"Nothing that a little t.l.c. wouldn't cure, especially if it came from a certain Manhattan ADA we all know and love," she replied softly. "You might want to know that Carisi hasn't been himself for some time. He's been moody and despondent at times and often keeps to himself. It's not a coincidence that it happened around the time you started keeping your distance from him. If you ask me, I think he misses you."

"So now you're a mind reader as well. Carisi will be fine. He's seeing someone now, isn't he?" Even as he spoke, Barba felt his heart twinge in unspoken jealousy. It hadn't been easy hearing from the grapevine that Sonny had moved on, but he knew that it was for the best. "And before you ask how I knew, don't even bother. I have my sources."

"Well your source was wrong this time. He WAS seeing someone, but she broke it off with him a few weeks ago."

"I'm sorry for his loss, but I don't see what that has to do with me."

"Don't you? Barba, we've known each other for long time. You never do anything without a reason or a purpose. I have a hunch that you've been keeping your distance from Carisi because you were giving him a chance to spread his wings and see if he would reciprocate your feelings."

"Why would I want to do that when he's already expressed his feelings regarding the subject? He's made it perfectly clear that he's not ready to be in a relationship with me."

"I knew it. You DO have feelings for him."

Barba felt his cheeks flush hotly from being caught red-handed. Liv had to exercise every bit of self-control not to laugh. Who ever thought that Rafael Barba was capable of blushing from embarrassment?

"I don't suppose it would do any good to deny it?" Barba replied with a chagrin. He hated showing his vulnerable side, even it was in front of Liv.

"Not a chance, amigo."

"Dios mio," he muttered under his breath. "How did I get into this situation anyway? How did I go from giving Carisi a hard time to wanting to be with him?"

"You never had a chance. Face it, he had you hooked the minute he asked, 'Am I right, counselor?"

"To be honest, it might have been even earlier at that. At first, I didn't want to believe it. I mean, here was this skinny, annoying kid from Staten Island who was a detective and going to night school at Fordham Law. He drove me nuts whenever he inserted his unsolicited opinions. And yet, he also had an uncanny ability to surprise me at every turn whether it was a keen observation or a theory that turned out to be true."

"So what finally changed your mind about him?"

Barba's eyes lowered for a brief moment in contemplation before answering, "His compassion. His stubbornness. His passion for justice and for the law. And his unwavering faith. Carisi is such a positive person and I'm ever the pessimist. It makes me wonder why he would ever want to be with someone like me."

"Why wouldn't he? You're everything he aspires to be. If you weren't a prosecutor, he would still admire your strength, your passion, and your determination. Even if you ARE a jerk sometimes."

"Thanks a lot," Barba replied sarcastically. "You sure know how to make a person feel better."

"Can't let you get too much of a swelled head. Hey, you've got nothing to worry about. I'd bet dollars to donuts that Carisi wants to be with you."

"Did he tell you that in so many words or is it just your feminine intuition?"

"Let's just say that I can tell."

"So that would be a no," Barba replied in a dead-pan voice.

"Stop being so negative. You know, you could ask him that question yourself instead of letting this go on unresolved. Or are you too scared to even do that?"

"I'm not scared," Barba replied softly. "I'm terrified of what his answer will be. I've always thought that I had all the answers, but this is one that I would rather not be privy to if it turns out for the worse."

"You'll never know unless you try. What have you got to lose?"

"Everything."

Sonny's eyes wandered over to Olivia's office where she and Barba were engrossed in a lively conversation. He was sitting casually with his feet propped up on the chair next to him, with his legs crossed over each other, revealing horizontal striped colored socks that looked absolutely hideous against the rest of his chic ensemble. Sonny continued to stare in envy at them. Liv had such a close relationship with Barba. It was almost like they were kindred spirits, each knowing what the other was thinking. It was the kind of closeness Sonny wished he could have with Barba.

With a sigh of resignation Sonny went back to his paperwork. It was no use pining for what he couldn't have. Even if Barba was still interested in Sonny, it wasn't like they could see each other openly. Barba was already on shaky ground with the DA's office after several high profile cases involving City Hall and One PP and didn't need the added headache of a personal relationship messing things up even more. Sonny didn't want anything to hurt Barba's reputation or Liv's for that matter. She had already been through enough to last several lifetimes. They finally emerged from her office with similar expression on their faces, as if they were sharing a private joke. Sonny felt his heart clench tightly against his chest. It was like rubbing salt in the wound.

"You still here, Carisi?" Liv asked in surprise as she surveyed the now empty office. "Go on home."

"I was just about to leave. Counselor," Sonny said in a neutral voice as he addressed Barba.

"Detective," he replied, finally acknowledging him. Sonny was convinced that he only did that for appearance's sake.

"Remember Barba, we'll need that warrant to search the perp's house. The sooner the better. We don't know what this guy's capable of doing if he even suspects that we're on to him."

"Just remember to watch your back. I don't want the same end results as the Munson case."

"I'll be damned twice over before I ever let that happen again."

"That's what I was counting on," Barba replied knowing what Liv's answer was going to be.

Liv smiled as she walked towards the elevator and disappeared into the night.

There was an awkward silence as Sonny and Barba were left alone in the now empty office.

Barba was the first to initiate contact. "You're looking well, detective."

"So are you, counselor."

"It's Rafael, remember?" Barba replied gently in that sultry, oh so sexy voice of his.

Sonny felt his stomach flutter in response. It wasn't fair that Barba wasn't as affected as Sonny was by their lack of interaction over the past few months. Didn't he care at all?

"We're still at work, remember?" Sonny retorted.

"But no one else is around. And we're not discussing work, are we?"

"You've got an answer for everything, haven't you?"

"More or less," Barba replied confidently.

"Then tell me something, Mr. Smarty Pants prosecutor. Why have you been treating me like I have the plague? It's like we're back to square one when we first met and you completely ignored me."

"With all due respect, YOU'RE the one that's been ignoring me."

"Why do people always use that phrase when they clearly have no intention of doing that?"

"Because it's just a way of softening the blow. Isn't it true detective, that you've been purposely keeping your distance in order to avoid dealing with the fact that you have feelings for me?"

Sonny's eyes widened in shock and dismay at being called out. "I don't know what you're talking about. And how did you find out anyway?"

"I didn't know for sure...until now."

"That was a dirty trick. Why the hell didn't you ever say anything, Rafael? Why did you let me twist in the wind for months? Do you get some sick thrill out of tormenting me?"

Barba let out a deep breath as he perched himself on the edge of Sonny's desk. "Because I had to let you work this out on your own and at your own pace. I didn't want to influence you in any way. I wanted it to be your decision."

"How very unselfish of you," Sonny replied sarcastically. "I'd hate to see how you are when you don't give a damn."

"I knew how confused you must have been with your background and most likely not having a lot of experience."

"I've had plenty of experiences before," Sonny protested hotly.

Barba tilted his head and gave him a sideways glance. "You know what I meant by that. I didn't want to force you into something that you weren't ready for. And besides, I know that you've been feeling a little lost lately, because you're not practicing law at the moment."

"Liv again?" Sonny surmised intuitively.

"Who else? She notices everything."

Sonny was silent as he gathered his thoughts. "I know I've been moody lately and also in the past few months. I told myself that it was the post stress of finishing night school and preparing for the bar exam, but I was just fooling myself because I didn't want to face the truth. I used to be a happy-go-lucky guy without a care in the world. I thought I had my future all figured out. And then I met you. Nothing's been the same ever since."

"Are you actually blaming me for that?" Barba asked incredulously.

"You're the one that turned my world upside down. In the first year I was here, you barely acknowledged my existence. You treated me like an inconvenience and only tolerated me. And then you slowly started to let me into your world. I was amazed you would actually agree to let me shadow you. I thought you were beginning to respect me and that we finally found some common ground. Just when I thought we were getting along and things were settling down, you went back to the way it was in the beginning. I didn't know what I had done to deserve the cold shoulder. Based on the evidence presented before me, it was logical for me to conclude that you didn't want to bother with me anymore."

Barba really did feel for Sonny. He couldn't blame him one bit for thinking the worst this time. Especially not when Barba had done his best impression of pretending to ignore him. How could he ever forget Sonny's warm smile? His self-deprecating sense of humor and his humble compassionate heart that was too big to contain. And how could he forget how Sonny felt in his arms and how sweet he tasted? Barba couldn't forget, nor did he want to. That's when he knew that he was done for. Somehow, against all odds, he had fallen for Sonny hook, line, and sinker.

"I mean how could someone like you even consider wanting to be with someone like me? We have so little in common other than the law. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I finally realized why the situation was bothering so much. It was because I wanted to be with you and I thought that was never going to happen after I ran away that night you kissed me."

"So you decided that staying away from me was the only thing to do under the circumstances," Barba surmised. "That makes a whole lot of sense."

"Can you try not being sarcastic for like 5 seconds? I didn't say that it made sense. It was just what was going through my head. And this isn't easy for me, you know. It's not like I fall for a guy every day, especially when it's someone like you."

"I wasn't aware that it was supposed to be easy. Relationships are complicated and messy sometimes. That's a given fact of life."

"Oh I've known that for some time. You don't realize how much of a hold you have over me, Rafael. I even tried seeing other people, but you were always there in the back of my mind. And I couldn't forget our first kiss. Ultimately, I thought it would be better for the both of us if I kept my distance from you. I was only tormenting myself wanting what I couldn't have. I even talked myself into believing that I was bad for your career. I would never forgive myself if you ever got into hot water again with the DA because of me."

"Don't take this personally Carisi, but that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I might have to answer to the DA and City Hall professionally, but my personal life is off limits. And as for the rest of what you said, you may need to brush up on your detective skills. Of course, I care about you. Why do you think I went all the way to your parents' house in Staten Island so I could clear up that misunderstanding? Or when I continued preparing you for the bar exam when I didn't have to. Or did you honestly think I would let you blackmail me into going to dinner with you if I didn't want to go? That kiss should have told you all that you needed to know."

Sonny's head whipped up angrily. "What else was I supposed to think? I couldn't understand the sudden change in your attitude towards me. I get it if you were just busy, but you always have time for Liv no matter the circumstances. I mean what does that make me? Chopped liver or something? I know I'm just some guy from Staten Island, but I've worked my ass off for everything I've earned, from making detective to passing the bar. I think I've earned a little respect from you."

"Is there anything else you'd like to add?" Barba prompted patiently.

"Just one more thing. You guessed right that I was purposely ignoring you. It wasn't so much ignoring you, as it was keeping myself occupied and seeing if I really had feelings for you."

"And were the results conclusive?"

"Yes, they were. Heaven help me, I realized that I do have feelings for you Rafael Barba. I have from the moment I laid eyes on you even when you were being so mean to me. I thought that if I kept my distance, my feelings for you would go away. It would have been the best solution for both of us. But they were too strong for me to ignore any longer. I missed you so much, Rafael. And I'm hoping that you missed me a little. Is it just my imagination? Does any part of you still want to be with me?"

Sonny couldn't look any more adorable than at that precise moment. His eyebrows were knitted together into that distinct "II" sign in between his eyes whenever he expressed concern or when he was worried about something. Barba leaned across the desk and softly pressed his lips against the younger man's forehead, putting Sonny out of his misery. The look in his baby blue eyes was a mixture of shock, surprise, and relief all at once.

"You know, you could have saved yourself a lot of heartache if you had told me this sooner," Barba replied huskily before diving in to claim Sonny's parted lips.

Sonny closed his eyes and leaned forward to return Barba's kiss enthusiastically and without hesitation this time. It was so intoxicating just being near him and inhaling his cologne. This was what Sonny missed these past few months. The closeness, the intimacy, and the fact that this sexy Cuban could stir feelings in him that he didn't even know existed. He gave absolutely no resistance when Barba reached over to cradle Sonny's cheek in his hand and easily pried his mouth open to deepen the kiss. The effect was immediate as Sonny let out a guttural moan which only encouraged Barba to continue his exploration. Sonny didn't know how long they stayed like that, but he didn't care. As far as he was concerned, it could go on forever.

And then all of a sudden Barba pulled away abruptly, breaking the spell. He was such a tease.

"Wait a minute. Just where the hell do you think you're going?" Sonny demanded when Barba got up and headed towards the elevator. "You kiss me like that and then just walk away?"

"Much as I hate to break up this cozy little party, I have to be in court in the morning. Rest assured, we'll continue this discussion later. It appears that we have much to talk about."

"Rafael..." Sonny protested as he got up to his feet.

"Don't worry, Carisi. I have no intention of ignoring you any longer," he replied softly.

And with that last word, and his usual confident smirk, Barba was gone. But this time, Sonny didn't have to worry. Barba wasn't going away forever. He wanted to be with Sonny and there was the promise of so much more. Sonny put his fingertips to his lips, which still tingled as he smiled gently. It hasn't ended after all.

Upload date: 19Nov2017
1. I'm contemplating ending this story here and continuing it in another series. Would appreciate your input. I think it would work in either case.
2. Just wanted to say that I really appreciate you all for taking the time to read my drabbles and for all your kind words. It's really nice that different fandoms can get along and still appreciate each others' works.
3. Have a blessed day wherever you are!