Holy Hera people sorry for the late update!

Alright... Here's the daughter of Hermes' excuse for not updating in so long...

As some of you may know from previos Athour's Notes, my co-author Thennie landed herself a summer job! Yay! The only issue is, I only have her for one day each week if I'm lucky, so my creative juices don't flow so well. Second, my family went on a vacation at the start of the month, but then the power was out at my place for three days so I had no way to charge my laptop. After I did talk to Thennie, I had forgotten all we had planned for this chapter conversation and humor wise, so it was an improv effort. It's been hard to get back to writing, but I did it!

There... Another couple things: Aphrodite is a little... dirty at the start of this chapter. And yes, it can be called OOC, but this is a crack fic. Another is something I forgot to throw in the last chapter. Ares makes a reference to Eris being a daughter of Zeus and Hera, like himself, and for anyone who has read House of Hades, you'll know Rick states she's a daughter of Nyx. Well... Our theory is that after Eris caused the Trojan War, (Read about it if you want to learn more) she was so neglected and hated by the other gods that she ran away.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not Rick Riordan. Thennie isn'r Rick Riordan. We also don't own any of the other fandoms and shows mentioned in this chapter, because we're Canadian. Not British. They drink tea, but we perfer maple syrup.

"Oh my gods! There is, like, a frog in my shoe. What if it, like, jumped up into my, like, shirt and I got, like, this huge rash, like, on my tummy? Then, I, like, wouldn't be able to, like, do it normally! Zeus! Like, smite the frog!"

"Aphrodite!" Zeus yelled, spinning around. "For the final time, I am not smiting anything in this forest! It's so dry that the entire place would catch on fire, but of course you can't understand because you're so-"

"Wait, what did you say?" Aphrodite asked, in the middle of applying a layer of lipstick. Zeus groaned. Of all people, he, the king of the gods, had gotten stuck with the dumbest of them all. They stood in the middle of the hot, Australian forest, sweating as they tried to find their way back to civilization. Maybe he should have taken a look at those travel guides Hera had shown him so that they wouldn't have wound up in the only thing Australia related Zeus could think of as they poofed away besides boomerangs and kangaroos.

"I'm alone with the most attractive being to ever walk the earth, yet I still don't want to love you." He grumbled to himself, swatting a bug off his arm. Aphrodite clicked her compact shut.

"Oh my gods, you're right! You've had, like, a one night stand with, like, everyone except me! And that's saying something for the god who, like, married his sister and had a kid with another…" She looked into his eyes. "We're, like, alone right now. In the middle of a forest. You could do anything to me. Your shirt is ripping." Zeus just stared at her. Aphrodite leaned in and rested her head on his shoulder. "Zeus? Smite me." She whispered.

"No! Get off me!" Zeus shoved her off, sending Aphrodite flying into the path of mud they were walking on. She screamed and began bawling.

"Oh my gods! My perfection! My perfection is ruined!" she cried, flailing her arms and desperately trying to clean mud off her face, but only to add a new layer of her new mud makeup. "Zeus! Zeus! The mud is all over me! I don't like the mud! Smite the mud!" She stopped. "Wait a second…" She looked at him with her… strange face. "This is how you do it, isn't it?" She lied back further into the mud. "I'm ready…"

"Aphrodite, for our sake, stop this!" He lifted her by the collar of her shirt. "If you don't stop… being sexually aroused right now, you won't be getting any new clothes for ten years!" Zeus didn't consider this much a threat. After all, ten years passed like a minute in the life of a god. Aphrodite, however, looked like she was ready to take her salon treated nails and gorge out his eyes.

"What did you just, like, say?" she asked, her eye twitching.

"You heard me. No new clothes for ten years."

"But, that's, like, impossible! I don't want to live!" She burst into tears and threw herself on him. "I want to die! Smite me! Please, end this cruel life!"

"Aphrodite, will you just shut up and listen! You just have to stop acting like you want to make love with me!"

"But that's impossible! Wait, no, actually, it, like, isn't. Never mind!" She giggled obnoxiously. "Cuz you're so, like, hard to work with! But, I, like, would totes not mind a new shopping experience in, like, someplace other than New, like, York!" Zeus sighed and grumbled as he continued to slice his way through the Bush with his Master Bolt, currently on a very low shocking mode so nothing caught on fire. He slapped a bug on his neck. Years of practise had made him very good at killing on instinct. The worst part about the trip was the fact that Zeus had no idea what to look for in Australia. He had thought about New Zealand, as well, but the only images that came to mind were the outdoor sets of those Lord of the Rings movies Poseidon liked so much. Even so, at least the Bush might be close to civilization instead of Zeus having to waste two hours walking across field after field with Aphrodite complaining about her high heels being out of style.

"If you see anything that looks remotely like a building, tell me." He said over his shoulder. "I don't care if we stumble upon a city or a trailer park dominated by Aussie rednecks. Heck, even running into some tribe would be fine by me!" He sliced his way through a huge bush. This thing must have been quite long, for by the time it was destroyed, the god of lightning had a beard of twigs and leaves.

"Like, what if, like, those tribes have, like, no sense of style?" Aphrodite asked. "Like, what if they wear, like, koala skin with, like, platypus beaks? Like, totes no way!"

"Aphrodite, I highly doubt that we'll find any tribes of the sort out here. I was joking." Zeus replied. "Besides, chances are that if we did find any, they'd be completely-" He staggered forward. "Ow!" he hissed, holding the back of his neck. "Did you whip a branch at me?"

"Like, no way!" Aphrodite replied. She looked down and screamed.

"What is it now?" Zeus asked, tired of having to ask the question.

"There's some weird stick in my boob!"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Aw, you're so cute when you beg!" Zeus reached back to his neck. Had they both been hit by something?

"Aphrodite, is this stick in your breast or between them?" He asked, still searching for the pain in his neck.

"Um… It's in… Zeus, is this, like, the Australian way to, like, flirt? Shooting boobs?" Zeus pulled something out of his neck. It was a small, wooden dart no longer than a sewing needle. The bottom was covered in something black and ichor from his neck.

"Well, it certainly is a welcoming." He said, holding his head. "But it certainly isn't one we would have asked for."

Zeus regained consciousness to the shrill sound of Aphrodite screaming at the top of her lungs.

"Oh my us, Zeus, we've been kidnapped by the KKK!" she screamed, wiggling.

"Aphrodite, stop moving! The Ku Klux Klan isn't in Australia!"

"Yes they are! And what the Hades is the Ku… Cool Cocks Clan? Is that, like, some secret night club group you're in? I wanna join, too!" Zeus groaned. They were hanging upside down, tied together by a very tight rope of some kind, his vision was blurry and his head was heavy.

"Okay, then what on earth does your KKK stand for?"

"Kangaroo Koala, like, Krisis!"

"Crisis doesn't start with a- Wait. What?" He grunted, trying to turn in the other direction. He was assisted by something turning it for him, and with a startled yell, Zeus found himself facing a joey in a kangaroo's pouch, but of course, he couldn't see the kangaroo fully. The joey was holding a squirt gun, which he shot in Zeus' face.

"Oh, did they shoot you, too?" Aphrodite asked, half giggling at the sound that came from her nephew's mouth. Seriously, look it up. She's his aunt. "Don't worry. It's just, like, hot sauce. Great for your nails."

"Aphrodite…" Zeus began, the edge of his patience crawling into his throat. "We do not have nails in our eyes."

"Then, like, what are contacts for?"

"Forget that! Listen up!" Zeus yelled, readying himself to snap loose from the ropes. "I am Zeus! If you do not let us go, there will be death and destruction upon this already ghastly continent! If you cannot let me go-"

"I, like, wanna go, too!" Aphrodite cried. She swung herself in front, facing the kangaroos. "My name is, like, Aphrodite, and I'm, like, the goddess of love! So if any of you want, like, a chance at mating season this year, you'd better, like, let me go! You can, like, totes keep Zeus, though. He's such a little-"

"Aphrodite!" Zeus hissed. "I'm trying to get us out of here!"

"Well, why don't you just, like, snap the ropes, you, like, dummy!" Aphrodite whined.

"Because, unlike another goddess I live with who is out of her mind, I do not fancy having hot sauce sprayed in my eyes!"

"Okay, well, I can, like, help you get out." Aphrodite began. "Okay, so here are, like, our options. We can either, like, one; use a nail file to get out, two; like, you snap us out and kill everyone but me, three; we wait for Ares to come save us or four; we, like, threaten them by saying we have missiles that can reach them!"

"I'm just going to ask them for their leader." Zeus spun them around again so he was facing the pack of kangaroos. There must have been at least fifty of them, all gathered in the small forest clearing. Koalas armed with blow darts sat in the trees, picking each other for bugs and chewing eucalyptus leaves. A few of them had taken up the idea of rolling them up like cigarettes. "Listen!" Zeus called. "Can I speak with your leader? I believe there is some kind of mistake and I would like to negotiate with someone!" There was a lot of grunting and shuffling amongst the kangaroos before they all parted and made way for the kangaroo carrying the joey who had shot Zeus before to come down the aisle. Once they reached the front, the kangaroo lifted the joey out of its pouch and took the gun, setting the joey on the ground. "Alright, listen." Zeus began. "I know you kangaroos think you're all so tough because of how big you are and how strong you can kick things and how high you can jump and-"

"Who gave you permission to speak before me?" The joey asked, stamping his foot. "Cripes almighty, this one's stupid!"

"OMM!" Aphrodite squealed, spinning around. "Okay, like, two things. One; you cannot, like, take OMM. That's, like, my thing. Two; you are, like, so totes cute! I can't believe that you have, like, talking baby kangaroos with, like, British accents! Zeus, can we, like, adopt it?"

"Silence!" The joey yelled. Zeus was holding back laughter. It was cliché, but still hilarious that they were letting a joey lead them. But how had he gotten a British accent? "Alright, now I know what you're thinking." The joey began, turning them around so he was facing Zeus. "Little joey leading a mob of kangaroos. Absolute rubbish. They won't accomplish anything, and if I threaten the poor bloke for a moment with my size and superiority, he'll let us run free." He opened his mouth to keep talking, but Aphrodite cut him off.

"Actually, I was thinking of asking my, like, boyfriend who I'm cheating on my husband with to, like, buy you for me in exchange for some-"

"That's enough, Aphrodite." Zeus spun them around. His anger had turned into tiredness. How much longer was this going to last? "No, that wasn't all what I was thinking." He said to the joey. "I was wondering why you captured us and why you have a British accent. And also, who you are and why I shouldn't snap your little neck off for interrupting our very important look around Australia!"

"Oh." The joey paused for a moment. "Well, I'm Paul. Nice to meet you. And you are?"

"Zeus."

"That's an awkward name. Quite… Exotic. No… Bazaar." Paul looked into Zeus' eyes. "You wouldn't happen to be a Time Lord, would you?"

"No, actually, that was my father."

"He was the doctor, then?" Paul paused and bit his lip. "Hold on a moment. If he was the Time Lord, then…" He turned angrily at the crowd of kangaroos. "Did they change the casting of the next doctor or something? What the bloody hell is going on?" There was an uncomfortable murmur among the kangaroos.

"No, I believe you're mistaken." Zeus began again, trying to get Paul's attention. "See, my father was a man named Kronos, not-"

"Do not speak his name!" Paul hissed, spinning around. "No one must ever know the doctor's name, so hold your tongue!"

"Zeus?" Aphrodite asked. "What's he talking about?"

"I think… I think it's that show Hestia and Hephaestus like. Doctor… Who was it again?"

"Yes, that's it, Doctor Who." Paul corrected him. "Lovely little master piece right there. Have you watched it?"

"Only a little. I'm more of a Harry Potter person. My brothers, however, love Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones, if you're at all interested."

"Zeus!" Aphrodite whined. "I gotta go pee! Stop, like, fangirling and get me, like, out of here so I can, like, pee!" Zeus sighed.

"Listen, Paul. How about you untie us, let her go use the loo and we can talk this out like men. I have no way to fight you off, so we're even." Paul, if it was possible for kangaroos, furrowed his brow.

"Loo? What the devil is that?" he asked. "We have a friend named Lu, here. Well, actually she should still be in Britain…"

"No, see, loo is a word the British use to describe the bathroom." Paul gave Zeus another puzzled look. "Uh… when you go relieve yourself… you pee… you poop… you take a dump…"

"Oh! Dumping, that's what it is!" Paul looked very satisfied from his new word. "Well, even after you taught me such a glorious new word, loo, I'm afraid I cannot let you go. You see, you and your wife here are a very important part of my plan."

"Wife?!" both gods yelled at the same time.

"Why would I, like, marry someone like him?" Aphrodite cried.

"I'm already married to the devil herself! What plan?"

"Well, I guess it won't hurt to tell you know, since I'll be killing you anyway if you do not cooperate." Paul began. "We have this… Tradition, in our tribe. Tradition isn't the right word to describe it, but once every century, there is born a kangaroo who possess the ability to learn human speech. However, with no human in reach, I have no way of learning it. But, with you two, I will be able to learn the foundations of my new language and use it in world conquest!"

"Ooh!" Aphrodite squeaked, turning around in their ropes to face him. Zeus was getting tired of being swung aside without warning. "Do you, like, wanna see the technique called, like, Charm speak? It'll make you, like, English totes better!" Before Paul had a chance to reply, Aphrodite began to Charm speak. "Let me go use the loo, please." Paul stood there in a daze for a moment before snapping into attention.

"You heard her!" he yelled at the two kangaroo guards beside them. "Untie her and lead her to the most comforting bush you can find!"

"Actually, Paul, sweetie." Aphrodite continued. "Could I go in private? I am a grown woman, after all." Paul nodded with a stupid look on his face.

"Aphrodite, what are you doing?" Zeus hissed. "You can't speak us out! Some of them are women!"

"Just watch. I'm going to use, like, science!" Aphrodite replied before skipping off to the forest and vanishing from his sight.

"Now then," Zeus began, turning back to Paul. "Since she's gone, we can discuss this like men."

"Ooh, terribly sorry about that, actually." Paul began. "See, I'm not of age yet. I'm still in the pouch, but in two weeks I'll be old enough to hop on my own without my dear Mum. Dear Mum, bless her soul for raising me as well as she did. But with you, I must continue my education away from kangaroo customs!"

"Alright, now listen." Zeus began again. "How on earth did you learn the start of your English and why do you have a British accent? If anything, you should have an Australian one. And you said you were going to take over the world?"

"Too many questions at once, Son of the Time Lord." Paul replied, waving his tiny hands. "Alright, let's start like this. I would tell you how I learnt English, but then I would have to kill you. Second, I would tell you if I'm aiming for world conquest or not, but then I'd-"

"You got your English from the same place you got that gun, didn't you?" Zeus asked. "You kidnapped tourists?" Paul slapped his foot on the ground in frustration.

"So, you've been watching Sherlock, too, have you?" he asked, angrily. "Well, that deduction was correct, but tiny compared to the one I'm about to do." Paul took a deep breath. The kangaroos began to mutter in excitement. Zeus was going to have to thank Athena for making him watch Sherlock with her, especially the third episode of the second season-

"You aren't from around here, you're an American." Paul began, beginning to pace around Zeus. "Your name, Zeus, is not one that would be used commonly as a first name, therefore it is your pseudonym while you are here. Why are you here? On government business judging by your suit, pseudonym and desire to get away from your wife. How do I know? Stress marks all over your face, wedding ring well-polished, but upon examination of your person, we discovered no marks indicating it is kept on for very long often. One might say you have had many affairs. Not only that, but you are the leader of an important group, judging from your words from the beginning about snapping my neck and being more powerful. Perhaps you seek domination and power over others that were once close to you that you hate for no apparent reason. That woman with you is not your wife, but rather a companion of sorts, though you hate her in a way that doesn't take a genius to figure out. She has constant affairs, seeing as she wears no wedding ring, but rather several. The smell of her is revolting, obviously uses too much of every beauty product imaginable. Oh, and another thing about you. You aren't just a Harry Potter fan, but under the influence of your wife you have fallen to the deepest of deep of fandoms that are cursed to live forever alone. But one final question remains…" Paul arrived at his front again, staring him down.

"Are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?" There was a collective gasp from the crowd of kangaroos behind them.

"I only read the books because my wife forced me to or she'd kill my children." Zeus replied, agitated. How had this kangaroo figured out so much about him so quickly? Did stress marks really show that much? He was thinking he was going to need to hug Hestia when he got back when the mob in front of him began to run and panic.

"What? What's going- Oh My God!" Paul yelled, running into the crowd. "Mother! Mother! Koalas! Stop them! Kill! Risk your lives! Stop her!" Zeus wasn't anxious to see what Aphrodite had done. 'Science' could range from inflicting terror into the mind to her love science. What surprised him the most when he did look over was the fact she had used actual science that he understood. Aphrodite had not only gone to use the bathroom, but she had also decided to curl her hair with some magic curling stick that didn't need to be plugged in to work. She was spraying a huge bottle of extra-strength hairspray all over it, causing the 'blade', if you will, to catch fire.

"Nobody mocks Twilight!" she cried, jumping from the bushes and lighting them on fire. "Team Jacob forever!" Zeus was almost proud of her for a second before the mob of koalas jumped out of the trees to attack her. Zeus looked around from his upside-down position. Where was his Master Bolt? He snapped himself from the ropes, landing on his head. He felt dizzy as he stood, the blood returning to his limbs. Where was his Bolt? He lifted his palm and called it to his hand. It flew out of some kangaroo's pouch from the other side of the crowd and flew around the kangaroos, who were trying hard to avoid being killed by the pointed sharp blade flying fast enough that it could easily cut off their heads. As soon as if hit his palm, sparks began to fly as the Bolt charged with energy and lightning.

"OMM! Zeus, help!" Aphrodite screamed, swinging her curling iron like a sword as koala's jumped out of the trees. "I am, like, so getting rid of all my, like, koala plushies!" Aphrodite managed to fend for herself fairly well as Zeus tried to run over and help her, but koalas were attacking him from every which way, too. He put his Bolt in stun mode and began whacking them with the dull end of it, sending them flying several feet away from him. These koalas were tough. They would bite him legs and scratch and punch and kick him. Some even had the decency to spit chewed leaves into his hair. Aphrodite screamed as a mob of koalas jumped on her, pinning her to the ground. Luckily, her curler pulled through, still on fire, as she blasted them off with the flames, burning herself in the process with too much hairspray.

"Zeus! Zeus!" she screamed. "I'm, like, on fire! Help!" Zeus blasted away his last koalas and ran to help pat out the fire. Aphrodite looked burnt to a crisp and her clothes were a mess, but Zeus couldn't say he looked any better.

"Well, you managed to light the whole Bush on fire." Zeus replied, sending a gust of air to put out the rest.

"I don't care if this place has, like, good shopping or anything!" Aphrodite cried, stamping her foot. "I wanna go, like, home and have Ares cuddle me!"

"It's not like we have a choice." The koalas had brought out the big guns now, which meant they had decided the situation had gotten serious enough to get out the blow darts and tranquilize the Olympians. Some of them began to fall down from the heavy smoke in the air. "Aphrodite, hold on to me tightly. This is going to get a bit wild."

Well, that wraps up another chapter! We're guessing there will be at least three more after this one. Which continent will the gods pick? Or are they too attatched to home to move? I know I sure would be!

Anyway, for those of you who thought we were done...

"Do you think anyone actually cares about us?"

"I don't think they'll even remember to wait for us at the meeting. Want some wine?"

"I can't hold my alcohol."

"Whatever."