AN: OK, I hope this makes sense. I have written different parts at different times over the course of a business trip this week. Let me know your thoughts!

EOEOEOEOEO

Elliot started after her, when he heard Cragen utter his name. He stopped and saw Cragen standing in place with his hands in his pockets.

"I'm guessing that didn't go as well as you would have liked." Cragen said.

Elliot sighed. "We didn't really get a chance to finish our conversation. The call from White interrupted us."

Cragen looked out towards the squad room, where Olivia was talking to Nick and Amanda. "Seems like she thinks you're done."

Elliot knew Cragen was trying to tell him something, but he was in no mood to read between the lines. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that now might not be the best time. Olivia is under a lot of stress right now with the threats from White. And don't forget, White threatened you too."

"We both know that White isn't after me." Elliot said. "But if he is, it's all the more reason we should stick together."

"I'm already worried about Olivia and her frame of mind with this White thing. I don't need you adding more stress on top of it."

"Are you telling me to back off?" Elliot asked. He wanted to tell Cragen that he didn't report to him anymore, but he wouldn't. He respected the hell out of the man, and he knew he only had Olivia's best interest at heart.

"I'm not telling you anything." Cragen said.

Elliot knew that Cragen has borne years of frustration with the two of them; that he had probably been more aware of what was going on between them then he and Olivia had. He looked out at the squad room and saw Amaro sitting on the edge of Olivia's desk. He felt a small spark of jealousy but tried to squash it quickly by reminding himself that the only reason Olivia had a new partner was because he had left. Elliot looked back at Cragen. "Captain. I made the biggest mistake of my life when I walked away. Not from the job, but from Olivia. I have to try…"

Cragen sighed and gave Elliot a small, knowing smile. "I know." He said softly. "Just…" He looked out at Olivia and then back at Elliot. "I just want what's best. For you and her. And right now, I'm not sure what that is."

Cragen patted Elliot on the shoulder as he passed him and walked back into the squad room.

Elliot turned around as he left, and his eyes met Olivia's. Amaro wasn't at her desk any longer, and Elliot noticed he and the blonde detective had both left. Fin and Munch were sitting at their desks, and it made Elliot feel as if he could go sit down at the desk across from Olivia and pick up where he left off. But those days were over…

Elliot looked at his watch, knowing he had to be back in Queens to meet Eli's bus by 3:30. That gave him about two hours before he had to leave. He considered asking one of the girls to meet him, but he'd already spent too many years shirking his parental duties. Still…he didn't know when he'd have another chance to make amends with Olivia. He was worried if he left here today, he'd never get another opportunity. And he'd wasted too much time already.

Elliot noticed Olivia wasn't looking at him any longer; she was busying herself with paperwork on her desk. He had to give it one more try. He slowed slightly as he approached her, and he was well aware that Fin and Munch were watching him. When he got closer, he glanced over at them and they looked away quickly. "Liv." Elliot said softly, standing next to her desk. He quickly corrected himself. "Olivia." Habits were hard to break.

"I'm busy." Olivia said. "I don't have time for this."

Elliot noted she kept her voice low as well; she didn't want Fin and Munch in on the conversation either. "C'mon. I know that's not true. You're stuck on desk duty."

"I'm doing background on White."

Elliot didn't know how far he could push her, but she hadn't raised her voice yet. He pressed on. "Please. Just give me an hour." He glanced over at Cragen's office. "Let me take you to lunch." He was hoping that she would agree if they were in a public place. He saw Olivia pause. The refusal was on her lips, but she glanced over at Cragen's office and then back at him.

"Cragen won't let me leave without a detail." Olivia couldn't believe she was entertaining the thought of leaving with him, but she wanted to resolve this once and for all. She knew that if Elliot left now, she'd obsess over everything he'd said, and everything he hadn't. He'd opened up that which she had so carefully tucked away…and she needed to know.

Elliot felt a spark of hope. "I think he'll let you leave with me." He hoped Cragen would feel comfortable with it. He had to know that Elliot would die for Olivia.

Olivia leaned back in her chair and looked up at Elliot with a skeptical look on her face. "Because you always have my back?" She couldn't resist the barb. He deserved it. She half expected him to tell her to forget it and part of her was hoping he would. She didn't know why she was agreeing to talk to him again. But she had to give him credit. He didn't react, and he didn't back away. "Let's not complicate things." She said. She didn't know if she was ready to be in a public place with Elliot. She wasn't sure if she'd gotten all her anger out. "We can order something in."

Olivia didn't wait for his opinion. She picked up the phone and called the deli around the corner, ordering the same meals they'd ordered for years. Elliot felt a weird sense of déjà vu, and in that moment, he saw them swapping half of their sandwiches and him swiping her pickle. He shook his head slightly to shake the image, and he saw Olivia looking at him oddly as she hung up the phone.

"I don't know why I'm agreeing to this." Olivia said matter-of-factly.

Elliot didn't dare put a voice to all the reasons he wanted to make peace, so he wasn't about to suggest any. He was just happy that she'd agreed to continuing the conversation. Elliot looked over at the conference room and wished he had just a little bit more time to think through what he wanted to say. He jerked his head in that direction. "I'll wait in there so, whenever you're ready." He didn't wait for Olivia to acknowledge what he said. He just turned and headed into the conference room, moving across the room to the same spot Olivia had been standing in earlier. He decided to sit down, hoping that it wouldn't seem as confrontational. Hoping it would put her at ease, and that they could have a calm discussion.

Elliot was surprised when only a minute later, Olivia walked into the conference room, closing the door behind her.

"Munch said he'd bring in our food when it arrives." Olivia explained. She had hated asking him, as she thought they probably wouldn't want to be interrupted. But she was full of nervous energy and sitting at her desk was not an option anymore. She paused briefly, trying to decide where to sit. Her head was telling her to sit at the opposite end of the table, but she knew Elliot was hoping she'd sit closer. She compromised and pulled out a chair that was a few down from Elliot. Since he was sitting at the end of the table, they could still see each other clearly if she turned her chair.

Elliot didn't know if she wanted to go first or if she wanted him to…but they both just stared at each other for a few moments. He didn't mind. It gave him a good chance to really look at her again. Those dark brown eyes…the long dark hair. "I think it's funny how you can sit across from someone every day…spend at least 12 hours a day together…and yet, the details get fuzzy when you haven't seen someone for a while. But the moment you see them again…it all comes back with extreme clarity. Except you see things you never saw before."

Olivia wanted to ask him what the hell he was rambling about, except that she knew exactly what he meant. She had known his eyes were blue…but she hadn't remembered the details of his face like she thought she had.

Elliot was surprised Olivia didn't respond to his comment…tell him he was being ridiculous. It made him bold. "What I told you before…that I've thought about you every day since I left. That was true."

"Elliot." Olivia said, cutting him off. She didn't like the direction of the conversation. It was making her uncomfortable.

Elliot sighed. "OK." He said. He rubbed his hands down his thighs, trying to figure out how to tell her what he wanted to say. He looked back up at her, sensing her impatience. "I told you that I wish I could change things. I have so many regrets. About our partnership and what we became and where we ended and why…"

Olivia steeled herself.

Elliot continued. "When you walked into the precinct that very first day, I had no idea how my life was about to change…"

Olivia wasn't interested in rehashing the history of their partnership, and she opened her mouth to tell him so, but she could see the plea in his eyes. He needed to tell her in his own way, and she had agreed to listen. She nodded slightly and saw relief wash over him.

"I've always been a practical man. I believe in God, honor, country. I take my responsibilities seriously. I have always done what I had to do…what I was supposed to do. I was dedicated to being a good husband…a good father…a good cop…a good man." Elliot stood up, full of nervous energy. He paced back and forth in front of the windows. "I knew what I stood for. I understood my morality. I worked hard. I supported my family." He turned and looked back at Olivia. "Everything was black and white. I caught the bad guys. I put them away. I went home to my family."

Olivia wanted to say something, but she had no idea what to say to that. And she knew she had to let him continue.

"Then you came into the squad. At first, I thought…I didn't know if you were going to cut it. You seemed so young and too innocent for this kind of work." He saw Olivia raise an eyebrow, but he forged ahead. "But I learned quickly that you had the balls to do the job. And that despite that beautiful face, you weren't naïve…you weren't innocent…that you had a brilliant mind and an empathy that I'd never seen before. But you also had a realistic view of the world."

Elliot smiled. "You remember those early years?"

Olivia nodded. She remembered learning so much from him at the time, but she had felt like she was teaching him some things too. They had their differences, but…

"We complemented each other so well. I looked forward to coming to work, and even though I couldn't admit it then, I looked forward to spending time with you." Elliot knew it had happened gradually; he couldn't pick one moment in time. "Suddenly, there was gray…where there'd never been any before."

Olivia was starting to get uncomfortable. She didn't think Elliot would dare talk about things that had been left unspoken until now…but she wasn't sure. Suddenly, she wanted to get up and leave. But there was a part of her that wanted to stay and hear what he had to say. To see how far he'd take this.

Elliot saw Olivia shift uncomfortably, and he knew he was surprising her with his honesty. But he had no reason to hide it anymore…it was now or never. "You know everything that happened in the years that followed. The trouble between Kathy and me…the ups and downs of my relationship with you."

Olivia balked at the word relationship, and what it implied. "Relationship?"

"Don't do that." Elliot said. "I'm being honest with you. Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about."

Olivia wanted to object. She wanted to point out all the men she had dated over the course of their partnership…all the men she'd slept with. But she knew there was no point. She knew that Elliot was right. He was being honest with her. For the first time ever. And she had agreed to listen.

Elliot saw Olivia nod slightly. "Those last few years…" Elliot looked away, recalling a better time. "I think we both knew what we were to each other and we were just…in limbo. I was tied to Kathy. With Eli…" Elliot shook his head. "I didn't want to be the absent father like I was with the others. I felt like I owed him more than that. I owed him a family life…an unbroken home." Elliot turned and looked out the window, unable to face Olivia at that moment. "But I was being such a hypocrite because it was all a sham. I wasn't happy at home. I only wanted to be with you."

The truth of those words slammed into her. In the time they were partners, she'd felt it…known it…took strange satisfaction that he'd rather be with her than at home. But his abrupt departure had made her question what she thought she knew. The validation now confused her.

"I really don't need a history lesson." Olivia snapped at Elliot. She had lived through those years with Elliot. She had lived through the back and forth with his family. She had been well aware of the conflict he felt.

"I'm trying to tell you what happened and why."

"I was there Elliot." Olivia's anger was back. "I lived it every day. You don't think I could see how conflicted you were? You don't think I thought about all the what ifs?" She asked. "You don't think that I struggled with the decisions you made?" She remembered with brilliant clarity the day he had told her that Kathy was pregnant. It had been a punch in the gut…delivered at a time when she thought things may be going in the right direction for them. "I knew that you always struggled to do the right thing. Or what you thought was the right thing." Olivia looked down at the table. "I made decisions too." Olivia looked up at Elliot, staring him right in the eye. "I stayed with you because I loved my job and I loved how we worked together and I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. And I hoped that some day, you'd pull your head out of your ass and make a decision about what you wanted." Olivia stood up quickly, and the back of her knees connected with the chair, almost toppling it. "My mistake was believing that when you did make a choice, it would be me." She pressed her lips together, angry that tears were pooling on her lower lashes once again. Once again, she found herself revealing more than she had ever intended. But now that she'd started…that they had both started…she couldn't stop it. She took a deep breath and tried to calm her breathing. "But I told you…I've gotten over it."

Olivia saw Elliot stand up and she held up her hand. "Don't. I thought I wanted to hear the reasons you left, but I've realized it doesn't really matter. It's done. We can't go back. We can't change the past."

Elliot was still trying to absorb everything Olivia had said…all the truths she had revealed. Her admissions shocked him. Not because the knowledge was new to him, but because he couldn't believe she was admitting it.

The confession seemed to have pushed her over the edge, and he could see she was ready to leave. That she was done talking.

"Maybe not. But we can change the future." Elliot said quickly.

"And you decided that when? This morning?" Olivia set her jaw, daring him to tell her otherwise. Elliot had made no attempts to contact her until circumstances brought him to the precinct.

"It wasn't because I didn't want to." Elliot said, knowing he was losing her. "But by the time I figured it out, I thought it was too late. I had been gone too long. I didn't know what to say to you. How to tell you that I was sorry and that I'd fucked up and that I'd made one bad decision after another." Elliot voice was tinged with emotion. He took a few steps towards her, and she took an involuntary step back.

Olivia looked into Elliot's eyes, and she thought it was the closest he'd come to crying that she'd ever seen. He was opening up to her in a way she'd never heard before, and for someone that kept everything bottled up all the time, she knew this was difficult for him.

"I made so many wrong decisions for what I thought were the right reasons." He took a tentative step closer and felt a glimmer of hope when she didn't move away from him. He could finally say what he wanted to say. "But when I left after that day…" He knew he didn't need to be more specific. Neither one of them would ever forget it. "Everything came rushing back at me. I hadn't been a good father to my kids because I was gone all the time. I hadn't been a good husband to my wife. I failed to protect those I'd sworn to protect…I'd failed Jenna Fox. Everything I believed in…" Elliot took a deep breath. "And I blamed you."

"What?" Olivia was shocked. She furrowed her brows…her anger fresh. She took a step forward, so they were nearly face to face. "You blamed me? What the…"

"Listen!" Elliot grabbed her by the shoulders. She tried to wrest herself free, but he held her tightly. He needed her to hear him. "I did blame you. I blamed you because ever since the day you had walked into the precinct for the first time, I had fallen in love with you a little more each day."

Olivia struggled against him again, but his fingers dug into her skin and she stopped. "I don't want to hear this." She choked out, her throat thick with emotion.

"Did you hear what I said?"

Olivia shook her head. "I don't…."

"I blamed you for my time away from my family. I blamed you for my inability to commit to my wife. I blamed you for the times I'd failed to do my job…" He swallowed hard. "And I blamed you for Jenna."

Olivia gasped. "You son-of-a -bitch." She lifted her arm and chopped at his arm, forcing him to lose his grip on her. "I didn't make you do anything. And for you to stand there and tell me that all of this is my fault…" Olivia was done listening to him, and she turned to walk away. "I never should have agreed to talk to you.

Elliot grabbed her arm, forcing her to stop in her tracks. He heard you gasp, and he dropped her arm immediately. "I'm not saying that!"

Olivia turned around to look at him again. "You clearly just said that this was my fault."

"I said that I blamed you at first. I needed time and space to sort things out. My feelings for Kathy. My feelings for you. The job. My feelings about shooting Jenna and why."

"You shot Jenna because you're training kicked in. That's what you're trained to do." Olivia remembered Elliot looking across the squad room at her, fear clearly showing on his face.

"Did I?" Elliot asked.

Olivia didn't answer because she'd had the same questions herself.

"It took me months…" He let out a deep breath. "Months. I talked to my priest. I went to counseling."

Olivia raised an eyebrow, surprised by that fact. Neither she or Elliot had ever had a love of counseling, but she had learned over time that it can help. "I had to face the things that had happened to me as a child. I had to come to terms with how I saw myself…my roles and responsibilities. I had to take personal responsibility for the decisions I'd made, and the lies I'd told myself. And most of all, I learned that it's ok to take care of yourself. That I deserved to be happy." He took a step forward, closing the gap between them slightly. "And that sometimes…" His voice turned tender. "You can't help who you fall in love with."

Olivia's breath hitched slightly. At Elliot's words, his proximity and the tenderness in his voice.

"I realized that no one was to blame, and all of us had a share in the blame…and that it didn't really matter. What was done was done." Elliot found that he wanted to reach out, but he didn't dare move. By some miracle, she was still listening to him.

"But when you figured that all out, then why didn't you pick up the phone? I was sitting here, wondering just what in the hell I'd done to deserve being shit on like that…"

"All that didn't happen overnight." Elliot said. "And once I got to that point, I had to work out things with Kathy…work on my relationship with my kids."

"So, you just hadn't gotten around to it yet." Olivia said sarcastically.

"I told you…I thought it was too late." Elliot hung his head. "I wanted to…more than anything…but I knew I'd hurt you deeply." He looked back up at her. "But I know you're strong Liv. I knew you'd rally. And part of me didn't think it was fair to disrupt your life again. Like I said, I'd lost my chance."

Olivia was amazed by his hubris once again. The fact that he had decided to make that decision on his own…

"I was afraid."

Elliot's words stopped her cold, and she felt the knot of anger loosen a little. Elliot had shared more emotion that he'd shared with her in the twelve years she'd know him. But to admit to being afraid…

"Afraid of what?" Her voice was tentative, wondering if he'd answer or if he'd think he'd already said too much.

Elliot hesitated, but he realized that at this point, he had nothing to lose. "I was afraid that you really had moved on." He dropped his voice, afraid to voice his deepest fear. "I was afraid to find out that you didn't love me anymore."