A/N: Hey guys, I'm sorry I didn't update yesterday, I really had no time to. But here it is today, a new chapter bringing some more personal stuff up. It was something that I was very hestitant to write, I'm not quite sure how it worked out. So please, let me know if it's any good, if you like it...

Also big thanks for all the reviews I got on the previous chapter, there were so many! It warms my heart :) I love it how you people notice these little things I thought no one would see. You're great :D

Enjoy :)

EVENINGS

Rush couldn't sleep. It's not that he didn't want to. It was the simple fact that every time he closed his eyes, nightmares were plaguing his tired mind. Mostly, it were memories from his life on Earth but no matter how good they were, the nightmares always seemed to twist them into scenes of anger, fear and sorrow. Tonight, after the dream he just woke up from with scream bubbling in his chest, he was definitely going to stay awake as long as possible.

Today was one of his 'days off'. Young made him take mandatory breaks between the chair sessions, effective immediately. And since TJ was keeping a close eye on him, there was no way of escaping it. During the days he was burying himself in work, helping with interpreting his own notes but in the evenings work was off limits to him, again thanks to the ever-present paramedic. She annoyed the crap out of him.

And so he wandered. He was walking down the silent corridors, listening to sounds of the old ship, his Destiny. Since his first session, a big part of this section of the ship was restored, giving them resources they feared they would never acquire. There was a med-bay here, still in restoration process but in a few days time, they will have a medical scanner that will be able to tell them everything about a patient, down to the molecular level. And medical tools. TJ was ecstatic when she saw all of the new equipment. As far as he knew, she was already using the stones in her spare moments to learn, read about medicine and healing. Just yesterday the air-force arranged for her to be a spectator during procedures in a hospital on Earth. He knew because this was all she was yapping about yesterday.

There was also a cold room, which to everyone's delight contained seeds that were already growing sprouts in their makeshift greenhouse. With every discovery they made, it seemed their lives onboard the Destiny were getting just a tad better. Still, without the master code, they had no chance of getting home. This knowledge weighted on Nicholas's thoughts constantly these days.

Finally, his path took him to the Observation Deck. It was devoid of people at this late – or rather early hour. Rush wasn't sure what time it is but he figures it to be around four. He stood in front of the thick glass that separated him from infinity of black, deep space. Destiny was cutting trough this space, leaving a wave of disturbance in her wake. Even thought Nicholas knew it was just a simple occurrence created by their speed – ten years ago it would be an abstract thought for him, crossing the speed of light, what would be the outcome of it, what possibilities it created – he still thought it to be a miracle. Einstein would have a field day with that. Humanity learned so much since SG-1 went through the Stargate for the first time… And still, the Ascention was nothing more than a dream, wishful thinking on their part.

He took a seat on a bench in the middle of the room and gazed ahead. He loved this part of the ship. Unfortunately, others did, too. And so he had to resort to catching fleeting moments of solitude in face of the Universe whenever the Deck was empty. All of a sudden, he felt lonely. Lonely, like he didn't feel since the day Gloria died. With no work to distract him, Nicholas felt like crying. Unmanly, selfishly, crying.

He did the only thing he could think of to relieve his grief.

***

TJ was bone tired. There was so much to do in the infirmary, so many patients to look after that she spent her whole day and greater part of the evening just tending to them. Her helper did their best but they were still learning. Now, she mostly had to watch their every step and catch all their mistakes. And then there was cleaning. Sterilizing the infirmary as best as she could. After the evening of patients and night of cleaning, Tamara's exhaustion reach the point when sleep was nearly impossible.

Deciding to go for a walk, she left her black jacket and utility belt in her room. Mildly chilly air felt refreshing on her bare arms. With a smile she realized that walking around only in her t-shirt and trousers became a luxury.

As she walked down one of the further corridors, she noticed the door to the Observation Deck were open. She walked there silently, peeking in to check who was awake at this hour.

Rush was sitting on the bench, his back to her and his elbows on his knees. TJ guiltily realized she forgot about him today. Just as she was about to call his name, he moved.

She watched him as he slowly reached into his pocket and took out the small Swiss knife. He looked at it for a moment and with a painfully gentle move put it next to him on the bench. Gazing ahead, he spoke silently:

"Hey, Gloria. It's me, Nick."

Tamara's heart leaped in her chest. His voice was tired, heavily accented and so filled with sorrow she could feel her throat clenching. So different from the dry, sarcastic one he used with all of them. She realized she was trespassing on an extremely personal moment but her feet refused to move and she stood there, transfixed.

"I feel ridiculous, doing this," he continued, sounding genuinely embarrassed. "But I… I just need to talk to somebody. And here, on this ship, there is no one… God, Gloria. They hate me, they really do. Honestly, I can't blame them. I didn't give them much reason to like… no, even to tolerate me. The S'hottoss showed it to me. The truth is, Love, that I'm a prick. An asshole of the worst kind. When they were pulling memories out of my head… the physical pain was the least bothering one."

So they did hurt him, TJ thought. Probably in more ways than one. And there was no one to fix it.

"Even though I know I was doing the right thing, I could do things so much differently… But it's a bit too late for dwelling on that. It won't change anything. And I'm tired, Gloria. So tired… I don't even know when I lost it. When I lost the resolve to make it better, to create a better tomorrow. When you were at my side, you were pushing me to go further, to make a difference. When you d-died…"

His voice broke for a second and in this one glitch Tamara could see his sadness, his inability to move on.

Rush took a deep breath and continued:

"When you died, it kept me going. Your faith, your confidence in my abilities… And now it's slipping away. I don't think I can do it much longer. The hateful stares, the whispering behind my back… I tried, I tried to ignore it but it finally got to me and I'm sick of it" his voice turned angry, nasal and even more Scottish sounding, some of the words barely understandable to TJ with their foreign pronunciation and audible 'r' "The idiots that think they're so much better because they exchange greetings in the corridors and put fake smiles on their faces to fulfill their egos' will!" he stopped himself, heaved a sigh and slumped his shoulders even more. TJ could see him rubbing his face with both hands.

"The point is… I'm doing this for them and they only see me as an egocentric, egoistic fucker and it's pissing me off. I'm doing my best not to take it out on them but sometimes it's just too easy. It's not helping that I'm afraid. Gloria, I'm scared shittless. Every time I sit in that fucking chair I wonder if I'm going to make it and I fight with myself not to say: 'to hell, to hell with it all'. But I can't ignore the facts. The aliens treated me the way they did because of how I was, because even my subjective memories presented me as a genius but still worthless piece of shite. So I've decided. I'm going to make things right. And when they go home, maybe at least they will remember that I helped to save their miserable lives. So you wouldn't have to be ashamed of me…"

Rush straightened a bit, stretching his sore muscles. He looked at the pocket knife laying next to him for a long time. Then he took it in one hand and began toying with it. He stopped abruptly and TJ had to strain her ears to hear what he said next:

"I miss you, baby, I miss you so much..." his voice was hushed and the deep sob that came from his throat startled Tamara. She stared at him, her own eyes blurry with tears. She never saw a man crying before. Never being in any kind of serious relationship, she didn't get close enough to any guy. Young, in their days of passion, was confiding but it always seemed to Tamara that he was holding back. Probably he was more open to his wife. Or not. Her father was always doing his best to seem though so he was outside the contest. There were few more men in her life but none of them stayed around long enough for any real trusting.

And then Rush came along. Seemingly the most uncaring, ignorant man in the Universe, was crying his soul out in the middle of the night, stars being his only companion. The strange noises he was making fascinated her in some perverse, horrific way. She wanted to go there, look at him and see how tears looked on a man. Instead, she left him there and went to bed.

She slept in that day.

***

When TJ came into the chair room, Rush was already there. And for quite a while, she concluded from his engrossment in what the console he had in front of himself was showing. He looked tired and she couldn't blame him.

"You're late," he said, tapping one final button and leaving the console. He spared her a glance before sitting down.

"A girl has to get her beauty sleep, Doctor Rush," she answered, feigning indifference. She walked up to him and started removing the gauze from his left temple. They had this routine worked out already.

"You should try some more, it doesn't seem to be working" he said, eying Eli who walked into the room. He flinched when she pulled the plaster a bit harder than necessary.

"You don't look so hot yourself," she said lightly and could hear a choking sound from where Eli was standing behind the console. She smirked but the smile left her face almost immediately.

"Jesus, Rush! What were you doing with these?!" she demanded, carefully examining the electrode wounds. The skin around them was angry red and the right one had visible traces of puss around the edges.

"Rubbing on them with a dish cloth," he snapped, momentarily going into defensive stance "What do you think? They get aggravated a lot, They're bound to get nasty."

"What's going on?" Eli asked, coming their way. Rush scowled.

"I can't let you go through with the session. These need to heal or it will only get worse! Eli, we're done here for now, turn the machinery off," she said but Rush was talking almost simultaneously:

"Eli, just ignore her. Let's begin," his voice was angry and somewhat threatening. Eli hesitated.

"Eli, no! I'm calling the Colonel," and she reached for her radio, at the same time moving away from Rush who looked as if he wanted to tear it from her hand "Colonel Young, this is TJ. Do you hear me?"

"I hear you, go on," came from the other side. TJ glanced behind her to see what Rush was doing (knowing him she expected him to be setting the interface himself) but, to her surprise he was still sitting calmly, his face unreadable. Only a small gleam in his eyes disturbed her.

"Doctor Rush got his wounds infected. In my medical opinion he is unfit to go through a session with the neural interface in nearest future."

There was a moment of silence on the other side.

"What does Rush say about it?"

"He says he's fine. I say he's stupid."

Another moment of silence. TJ felt something was wrong, Everett never doubted her judgment before. Especially when the alternative was to listen to Rush.

"Let him do it," Young said and both her and Eli stared at the radio in disbelieve. Rush smirked triumphantly, seemingly not in the least bothered about the colonel going insane in a matter of seconds.

"WHAT?! Sir, you can't…"

"Don't tell me what I can or can't do, Lieutenant. It's his call," his voice had a note of finality in it and so TJ hid her radio back in its pocket, looking at Rush with hostility.

"OK, what's up with that?" she asked the scientist as he waited for Eli to run the program.

"I don't know what you mean," he said with fake innocence.

"What did you do? Did you threaten him? What kind of scam did you pull him in?" She was now furious. In the background Eli was doing his best to begin the procedure as fast as possible, only if to avoid them fighting.

"I merely explained the situation to Colonel Young. I told him nothing but truth and he granted me a benefit of trust in the matters of the knowledge depository," he said calmly and she could hear complacency dripping from his every word.

And to think she felt sorry for him not more than six hour ago! Asshole.

She wanted to say something more but at that moment the collar snapped to his temples and the electrodes bore into his flesh. Before the electro-impulse caused his throat to clench, he made a noise of pain. Eli forgot to warn him and Rush was unprepared. She could see a vein on his forehead swell with blood pressure.

She gathered her med kit and headed for the door.

"Hey!" Eli shouted, alarmed "Where are ya going? You're not gonna seriously leave him here?!"

"I don't give a fuck about what happens to him. You're on your own, boys!" she said, not turning back. She disappeared behind a corner, leaving a struggling Rush and panicked Eli behind.

***

He wasn't surprised when TJ stormed into his office. He was actually waiting for her.

"What the fuck, Everett?!" she said, her face angry and tired.

"TJ, calm down," he tried, knowing it wasn't what he was supposed to say.

"The hell I will! 'It's his call'? Since when do you let Rush decide about anything?!" she stood in front of him, radiating fury. Young didn't want her to be angry but what was he supposed to tell her?

"Listen, TJ. We talked. He explained some things to me. Calmly, civilly. I promised not to say anything but… I understand him. Probably I would be doing the same thing if I was in his position. But it's not me, I'm kinda glad for that. Just… let him be."

Young dropped his gaze to the table, where his hands were laying folded together but before he did, Tamara saw something flash in his eyes. Something that looked suspiciously like guilt, mixed with something else. Grief? Whatever it was, it managed to calm her down. She sat opposite to him.

"Hey," she said. "Something's not right, you two are not telling me something. Everett, please," she looked at him with these pleading, big eyes of hers and he couldn't resist being pulled into their depth. He looked at her apologetically.

"Tam, I promised him not to spill. Just trust me. We'll get home and everything will be fine, I'll make sure of it."

"OK… But if these wounds of his won't get a proper treatment, there could be serious complications to his health. Ones I might not be able to fix," she said as her final attempt to make Young see reason.

"You won't have to worry about that," he answered. His voice was so dark and ominous. It sent chills down her spine. She stared at him and in this exact moment one sentence she overheard the previous night came to her mind:

Every time I sit in that fucking chair I wonder if I'm going to make it and I fight with myself not to say: 'to hell, to hell with it all'.

You won't have to worry about that.

Growing headaches.

Nosebleeds.

Dizzy spells.

It all made such perfect sense that it scared her.

"Oh God," she muttered and looked at Young. He stared right back, his face grim.

"The chair is killing him, isn't it?" she asked, feeling her stomach rising to her throat.

And she didn't see it earlier, didn't even think about it. Volker died because his head practically exploded. When general O'Neil got the Ancient knowledge downloaded into his head, it almost killed him as well. How could she be so mindless not to think of it?!

"Yes."

When they go home, maybe at least they will remember that I helped to save their miserable lives.

When they go home. Tamara felt sick.

"Oh God," she repeated. Young fumbled with his hands.

"We all want to go home," he said quietly and she looked at him, her eyes filled with tears "He wants to help. He knows the risk."

"And your letting him?" disbelieve was apparent in her voice.

"If this is the only way to save the rest of the crew…"

"There has to be another way!" she almost yelled "I don't want freedom for that price, for the price of someone dieing!"

"TJ…"

"No! You could try! You would, if it were anyone else! But him… It's the easiest way of getting everything you want. He gives us the possibility of going home and disappears from the picture. Is that it, Everett?!"

She was nearly hysterical at this point. They lied, they all lied, the fucking bastards! That, combined with guilty egoism of wanting to go home so badly, made all her grief caused, by the whole marooned-in-space ordeal made her sad and furious and unable to think straight. All the sadness which she was unable to release by silently crying into her pillow during the nights, welled inside her and overflowed… She needed someone to blame for all that and at the moment Rush just wasn't the right person.

She didn't know when Young stood and gathered her in his arms. Letting her cry for her lost faith. For all who lost their lives in the past weeks. He stroked her hair and kissed her temple. A gesture he shouldn't make and she shouldn't take but none of them could think about that at the moment.

"This is what he decided," Young murmured when her sobs subsided. "The only thing we can do is to be considerate and try to make it easier for him."

She nodded her head, sniffing.

"I know you two get along quite well," Everett said, still holding her in his arms. "I think it's good for him to have someone friendly around. You and Eli should keep an eye on him."

"Yeah," her voice was coarse from crying but she felt better. She needed strength. "Guess I should go check up on him, then. I sort of left in the middle of the transmitting procedure," he smiled at he and squeezed her shoulders one more time before letting her go. She smiled back and left.

As he stood alone in the middle of the room, he wondered if she knew just how accurate her accusations towards him were.

***

Eli was freaking out. They finished the procedure almost ten minutes ago and Rush still looked like crap. Eli tried snapping his fingers in front of the older man's face but the only reaction he got was a disoriented grunt. The Doc was pale, blood trickling down the sides of his face. TJ didn't even leave anything to wipe it with.

When not much changed, he decided to risk leaving him here long enough to fetch someone who could help him. He bumped into TJ in the doorway and heaved a sigh of relief.

"Oh, thank God!" he said. "For a moment I thought you were serious"

"I was. I just changed my mind," she muttered, walking straight up to the chair where Rush was making some futile attempts to straighten up. His eyes were scanning his surroundings, still unfocused. With move of a drunk man he moved his hand to his forehead, eyebrows meeting above his nose.

Tamara watched him for a moment. He was doing his best to focus his gaze.

"TJ, have you been crying?" Eli asked from the side, now happily degraded to the role of a spectator. "'Cuz I know you were right, there's no point in getting mad at them for ignoring you…"

"It's ok Eli. I overreacted," she said and felt that it was true. She didn't know why she reacted this hard to that. The ship life was apparently getting to her. TJ squatted before Rush and looked him in the eyes. His bleary gaze shifted to her face.

"Hey, Doctor Rush, I need you to focus," she said and his brows creased even more. He nodded his head once and it dropped slightly. "Hey, hey, stay awake," she said, grabbing his chin and made him look at her once more. "You have to stay awake for a while longer so we can get you to your quarters. Can you do that for me?"

He nodded and shifted his weight, probably to get up. He only managed shift in his seat and the momentum carried his upper body. He would have fallen if it wasn't for TJ moving in front of him. Nicholas's forehead rested on her collarbone and she felt him shudder.

"Naa t… naa tokh," he whispered and she felt confused. Then she remembered him referring to painkillers using that word together with some other one… she couldn't quite recall it now.

"Yes, I know it hurts. You'll feel better when you get some sleep," she answered gently and saw Eli eyeing them with an odd mixture of worry and confusion. She gestured for him to help her and together they hauled him up.

When they settled Rush in his bed and took off his shoes, TJ excused herself to go check upon her other patients, there was no point in staying with a sleeping man. She did so with a heavy heart.