Severus continued to lock himself into the study for hours at a time. He did, however, agree to come out for meals whenever David asked him to. He ate dutifully, in spite of looking like he was chewing on plastic instead of food, and, as far as the young wizard could tell, he was getting physically stronger. He also continued to read the Daily Prophet obsessively. More than once, David had walked in on him pacing though the kitchen as early as an hour before it was supposed to be delivered.
What worried David the most, however, was that he had become so quiet that he could successfully pass as a piece of furniture. Again and again had the young wizard tried to draw him into conversation, sometimes just by asking him a billion questions about his work. Severus would always reply (eventually), but seemed determined to use as few words as humanly possible. He had also started locking his bedroom door at night.
That morning, as usual, David found him reading the newspaper at the kitchen table. He cleared his throat when he came in and the man murmured something that may or may not have been a morning greeting.
"Severus."
No answer. David inched closer.
"Severus."
His hair, greasy and unkempt, fell in curtains around his face. His eyes were moving rapidly over the newspaper page.
"Severus!"
Severus gave a start when David's hand squeezed his shoulder. He looked up, genuinely startled for a moment. David took note of the deep, dark circles under his eyes.
"Severus," the young man tried again, "what's wrong?"
"Wrong? Nothing—nothing's wrong," Severus hurried to reply, shaking his head. His face looked… rigid, as if he was struggling to keep it free of any trace of emotion. His thin frame was trembling.
"You're always a million miles away. You don't speak—never thought I would say this, but I'm actually missing the sarcasm," David said. "And you're waiting for that bloody newspaper like it's the Holy Grail of the wizarding world…!"
Severus clutched his left forearm, wincing at the mere sound of the young wizard's voice. His gaze was lowered and his lips were pressed together tightly, as if to stifle a cry. David suddenly felt like he was scolding a child; his stomach gave an uncomfortable lurch.
"Severus, listen to me," David murmured, lowering himself on one knee to avoid towering over him. He cupped his cheek and the man recoiled from the touch, breath catching in his throat, chest heaving. "Severus, I think you're having a panic attack. Can you count to ten for me, please? Come on, one…"
"One," Severus repeated, breathless.
"Two, Severus."
"Two… three… four…"
His lips were blueish, as if he had been left out in the cold for too long, and his eyes were watery and unfocused. "Five… six… seven." His voice sounded pained, but his breathing was becoming even again. "Eight… nine… ten."
Gently, David pried away Severus' hand from his forearm and started massaging it. It remained limp and unmoving. "Does your mark hurt?"
Severus shook his head again, closing his eyes and allowing the young wizard to do whatever he wanted. His determination to resist was slowly seeping away. If there was something he had learned during the past months, it was that fighting back was hardly worth the effort, he thought dimly.
"What's the point?" he mumbled hoarsely, blinking a few times to clear his vision.
"Come again?"
But Severus kept quiet, staring vacantly ahead. The shaking had subsided and he no longer sounded like he was hyperventilating. Cautiously, David's hands rose until they were on the man's shoulders. This time, he didn't pull back. For some reason, his unresponsiveness was more disconcerting than if he had fought back.
"Let me run you a bath, okay?" David suddenly said, after a few moments of uncomfortable silence had passed; the air had acquired a certain heavy quality to it. The offer was strange enough to elicit a reaction from Severus, though, who frowned and looked up at the young wizard. "It'll relax you."
Severus rather doubted it, but had neither the energy nor the willpower to stop him. As soon as David stepped away, Claw the cat jumped in his lap, purring loudly. It was the only being, he thought as he started stroking the shiny fur, whose company he welcomed lately. He didn't allow it to enter his makeshift laboratory, of course, but the cat somehow knew when he was done every evening and followed him upstairs. Night after night, it sat curled at the foot of his bed as Severus sorted through his thoughts, finally bounding onto his chest and purring loudly when it decided that he had done enough, that he should allow himself to sleep. If only it were that easy.
A few minutes passed before David reappeared and led Severus to the upstairs bathroom, a hand hooked around his elbow for support. Inside it was hot, steamy and a sweet smell (not entirely unpleasant) hung in the air. Severus glanced back at David, who at least had the decency to turn around, then stripped and stepped into the tub, leaving his clothes in a pile on the floor. If he felt any sort of shame or shyness, he didn't show it.
"Should I, uh, go?" David asked, back still turned, as Severus lowered himself gingerly into the warm water. A sigh escaped him, but he simply rested his arms on the edge of the tub and hung his head low.
When he got no answer, David took out his wand and conjured a chair, sitting down heavily. He crossed his arms and leaned back, he too closing his eyes. Things were getting better and now—all of a sudden—they were back to square one. When he opened them again, he found Severus watching him intently.
"Uh, anything I can get you…?"David asked awkwardly, pushing a lock of red hair behind his ear. The man shook his head and his gaze slipped to the side, setting itself on the tile-covered wall.
"Something is wrong with my memories," he finally said. It was barely a whisper, but enough for David, who leaned forward until his elbows rested on his thighs, eager to hear more (despite knowing he was unlikely to understand much).
"There are two main ways to modify one's memory," Severus continued in a low voice. David nodded, all ears; the young man had never had any training in Legilimency or Occlumency. "Nothing can be truly erased: the recollection is either modified—much like painting over an existing picture to… cover it, replace it with something else—or its ties to the conscious mind are severed. Of course, unconsciously the person in question may still access said recollection, though the likelihood of that depends on the level of skill employed by the Legilimens and, of course, on how well it was hidden."
"That does make sense," David said, scratching his head.
"Many thanks for the reassurance; I was beginning to think I was losing my touch," Severus muttered.
David grinned, a wave of relief washing over him. "So what do you think happened with yours?"
Severus lapsed into silence again, but he was obviously considering the question. "I'm unsure, but I think a mixture of both. There are things that look… wrong. It's nothing too obvious, just details… missing in one instance and reappearing the next moment, like…"
"Like a badly edited film?" David supplied.
Severus nodded. "And there are gaps I cannot account for. I've tried to retrieve them, but…"
"Is that what you've been doing all this time?" David asked, wide-eyed. Severus spent his time from morning to dusk in the study. By the sound—and sometimes the smell—of it, he had potions brewing almost constantly. Which meant that during the night— "That's why you haven't been sleeping? You must be exhausted! Three years worth of memories to sort through…!"
Severus shrugged noncommittally, then rested his head back on his forearms. The bath had been a better idea than he had initially given it credit for. The water must have been laced with some sort of muscle relaxant. It wouldn't take him long to fall asleep even while he soaked in, he reckoned.
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Not at the moment. Err… I appreciate the offer," he muttered, letting one of his thin arms hang over the edge of the tub, fingers almost touching the wet floor. "What did you put in the water?"
David, who looked like he had been expecting the question for a while, shot him a proud grin. "Just Arnica extract mixed with Argan oil—nothing too fancy. Effective though, isn't it?"
Severus closed his eyes again, enjoying the warmth that spread through his body, soothing taut muscles on its way. When, only minutes later, his chin slid down from his arm and hit the water with a splash, he pointed at the bathrobes, which hung on a hook affixed to the door. "Would you mind…?"
David nodded and was soon standing up, holding one of them (the soft, white one) open as Severus stepped out of the tub. He managed to wrap it expertly around the man in spite of keeping his eyes averted, a feat with which Severus was secretly impressed.
"Did you manage to get some rest last night?" David enquired gently as he followed Severus to the guest bedroom. As the man changed, he looked out the windows at the wide yard below, smiling when he saw Claw chasing something through the grass.
"No."
"Funny enough, neither did I. Would you mind, uh…" David turned to find Severus staring at him. "Listen, it worked back in Spinner's End… Maybe we can try to sleep, uh, in the same room? See if it does any good?"
Severus raised an eyebrow, unconvinced. "You wouldn't be getting much rest."
"Even so," David said and walked up to the man, grasping his wrist in a light hold. Severus, who seemed to have momentarily taken root to the floor, eventually nodded sheepishly.
"My room?"
Another nod followed.
It was a lot more awkward this time around, David mused, as he laid on his back next to Severus' unnaturally still form. The man was staring at the ceiling, hands clutching the duvet that he had pulled around himself with such force that his knuckles had turned white.
"Severus?"
The man blinked up, then turned his head to look at David. That was the young wizard's cue to continue.
"Isn't there anyone who you'd like to get back in touch with?"
"I… don't know," Severus murmured. He wanted to go back—of course he did—but the possibility of being thrown into Azkaban the moment he set foot into the wizarding world was enough to keep him away. He couldn't take it, not after everything that had happened, being locked in with everyone he had betrayed in order to win the war, which included his captors. His chest would constrict painfully whenever he ventured to even consider the possibility. When David took one of his hands again, uninvited, and started kneading it, Severus welcomed the distraction.
"Anyone you'd trust to keep… well, you a secret?" David pressed on. He suspected the reason Severus read the Daily Prophet with such dedication every day, but the newspaper couldn't possibly provide him with the information he needed. An ally however... "Hm?"
Severus turned on his side, facing David. "There is one person," he said, frowning.
David smiled and, to the man's astonishment, raised Severus' hand to his lips. "Perfect. Let me get in touch first to make sure they're… you know, trustworthy. We can take it from there."
"Would you?" Severus asked, voice rather strained. He could feel David's breath warming his fingers, which was anything but unpleasant. He was almost disappointed when the young man let go.
"Certainly."
Bolder yet, David reached to run a hand through Severus' damp hair and Severus was mortified to find himself leaning into the touch. He squeezed his eyes shut, but was secretly pleased when David took it as an invitation to continue his gentle ministrations. Severus drifted off to what was possibly the deepest sleep he had had in weeks.