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Chapter 7
My thoughts were destroying me .
I tried not to think but the silence was a killer too.
For years, she hadn't spoke to him. He hadn't spoke to her. The nights got lonelier each night, ending up having to wake up more tired each day. She'd wake up, sit at the edge of her bed, thinking, before finding strength to get up for the day.
You feel so empty. You're not happy, you're not sad. You're nothing. When your mind is spinning but you can't feel anything.
I just can't escape my thoughts.
I fight to get through the night.
People survive wars. People survive disasters. People survive pain.
People survive sadness. People survive hurt. People survive people.
So why wouldn't I, one of the people, survive this?
Occasionally, she'd find herself with more than she should of had. Her thoughts wondered aimlessly, knowing she was possibly becoming her mother. Those nights ended up taking a day off to prevent showing up with a hangover. The nights of drinking tamed down, but now it was nights of thoughts, just constant thoughts.
When you're just waiting to get home, closing the door, and falling into bed
Just letting everything out that you kept in all day.
It's a feeling of relief and desperation
Nothing's wrong, but nothing is right either.
And you're tired.
So tired.
Tired of everything, tired of nothing.
You just want someone to be there and tell you that it's okay.
You know you have to be strong.
Be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you
You're tired of waiting
Tired of being the one to fix yourself
Tired of being strong
You want it to be easy, just once
To be simple, to be helped, to be saved.
It's the week after the three day weekend of Labor Day, kids are starting school, and the precinct is beginning to pack. The exhaustion she feels makes her dizzy, but she forces herself to get ready. Her reflection in the mirror defines exhaustion, she's so tired she doesn't bother fixing her make up. She leaves her apartment in her black slacks, and a white sheer blouse with a navy blazer.
He doesn't know if he should of left the envelope with her before he had gone back. The amount of guilt that over comes him is so intense that it burns, causing a headache.
It's like leaving a torn seam unprepared
Benson and Stabler, a seam that tore, but mended themselves
This time, he left the seam untouched, torn, battered, and broken.
The day at the 1-6 was back to back questioning. She carries her grey shoulder bag hunched on her arm as she walks into her apartment building. The key rotates the door lock, and enters the apartment. A heavy sigh erupts under her breath.
A knock from her door erupts the peace of sitting on the couch, reading a magazine. Two hours of reading magazines keeps her mind off track from work. She makes her way to the door and looks through the peep hole, opening the door immediately.
"Maureen?"
"Hey Olivia." She responds, quietly
"Come in."
"Thank you. I'm glad you were able to come to the wedding, I really am, we all are."
Maureen stands near the door, her hands jammed in her pockets of the leather jacket she wears. Olivia stands across from her.
She only nods.
"Olivia, he wanted me to give this to you."
Maureen takes out a folded envelope from her pocket. She steps forward and gives it to Olivia.
When you're around someone so much for so long they become a part of you, and when they go away, you don't know who you are without them.
"Open it. Please."
Olivia looks into her eyes, and crinkles the seam on the envelope, opening it. Her hands skim a folded paper in it. She takes it out and unfolds it.
"An airline ticket to San Francisco?"
Maureen nods at Olivia who doesn't seem shocked.
The most painful goodbyes are the ones never said or never explained
"Maureen, if you expect me to just-"
"Olivia, I know he hurt you. After someone hurts you, you're not the same anymore. I know all about faking a smile, it's easier than explaining why you're sad, or how you can even get up in the morning. What he did, it's fucked up, but I can't explain shit. I know you just can't come into someone's life, make them feel special and just leave. I mean it Olivia, just please. Whatever you do, just let him know you'll listen to him. Just once."
Just like that, Maureen is gone, leaving Olivia with the airline ticket in her hand.
And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed. And this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see people on your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened.
Don't worry, it's still going to be complicated between Elliot and Olivia so you just have to wait and see, and review so I can continue. ;) Please leave reviews and excuse any typos. Reviews means I keep writing.