A/N: thank you rubyredbird for your sweet review. It means a lot to me thank you!
Tiny flakes of snow were falling from the sky while I strolled along the sidewalk, absentmindedly glancing in the store windows as Cosima walked beside me. We had left the hotel two hours ago to explore the city and find a place to grab a coffee, but Cosima's eyes fell on a cute French pâtisserie the second we walked around the corner. It was hidden in a narrow side street and she insisted on going inside, changing our plans drastically. The old lady that owned the store made us try so many different bonbons that we're both feeling a little queasy now. I've bought a box of Parisian macarons to bring home with me, but I don't think those pastries will make it to Toronto. Cosima and I already ate two of them since we left the small bakery. Macarons remind me of my childhood, my father always brought them home when he came back from his monthly business trip to Paris. I can still picture the design of the small box. A white ballotin with golden letters and a pink ribbon.
"No, I'm fine. Delphine took care of me this morning" Cosima told her sister over the phone. "No, no, not like that, jeez Sarah, will you stop please? Just lunch in bed okay? We're out for coffee now."
I spotted a trendy coffee shop on the corner of the street and led us towards the small building. My body was screaming for a shot of caffeine after spending so much time in a bakery.
"Don't worry sweetheart," Cosima said, stepping inside the coffee shop when I opened the door for her. "Love you too. Bye."
She put her phone in her purse and took off her knitted gloves as she followed me towards a table at the window.
"I'm so sorry Delphine, but Sarah… she's just so worried about me. I guess Gavin told her about the seizure."
"No, it's fine," I said, slipping my coat off my shoulders before I sat down on the comfortable chair. She gave me a sweet smile and reached out to play with my fingers, tickling the sensitive tops.
A dark-haired waiter appeared out of nowhere, marching into our direction while he cleared his throat. He didn't seem to pay attention to our public display of affection.
"Hi ladies, what can I get you?" the young man asked, shifting his eyes between us. I ordered a café au lait after Cosima had ordered herself a cappuccino.
"I really like spending time with you Delphine," she whispered, staring at our intertwined fingers as the waiter turned around and walked away. "I'm able to fully enjoy it now that we don't have to look over our shoulder all the time."
"Me too Cosima."
"Am I… I mean like…" she started, obviously hesitating to finish her question. She raised her head and looked at me, wearing a serious expression on her face. "Am I allowed to kiss you in public or is that something only couples do?"
I swallowed thickly and forced myself to stop thinking about Ed. Cosima looked at me expectantly, her tongue darting out to lick her lips as her fingers slipped under my sleeve, caressing the warm skin of my wrist.
"I don't think there are any general rules for kissing."
A wide smile spread across her face before she leaned over the table, cupping my face in her hands. I sucked in a breath as she pressed her mouth against mine, kissing it sofltly. We shared a few wet open-mouthed kisses, but quickly pulled apart when a couple with a young child and a baby entered the coffee shop and took place at the table next to us.
"Delphine?"
"Yes?"
"Are you nervous?"
"No?" I lied, feeling a little uneasy about kissing Cosima while I still needed to talk to Ed… for keeping such a crucial aspect of my life from her.
"Okay," she shrugged. "Am I moving too fast?"
"Non. Don't worry about that."
"But you're acting different since I woke up. Is everything allright?"
"Yeah," I nodded vigorously, my hazel eyes wide. "I'm fine."
Cosima opened her mouth again to interrogate me further, but was cut off when the waiter walked up to us and placed our hot drinks on the table.
"Here you go ladies."
"Thank you," Cosima smiled, curling her fingers around the steaming cup. We enjoyed each other's company and sipped our coffee in silence for a few minutes, until a deafening scream filled the entire coffee shop.
"Holy shit," Cosima gasped. The man sitting next to her touched her shoulder lightly, giving her an apologetic look as the women jumped out of her chair and lifted their baby out of the stroller.
"I'm sorry. He slept the whole morning, I guess he must be hungry by now," he apologized. "And it makes him cranky. He got that from his mom."
"Oh no, no, it's fine. I just wasn't prepared for a screaming baby," she chuckled, glancing at the mother who was trying her best to calm the squirming infant.
"Yeah, he's very vocal," the father laughed, standing up to fetch the baby's bottle.
Cosima gave him an understanding nod and focused her attention on me again. She laced her fingers through mine, stroking my thumb with hers.
"Delphine, I was thinking," she started, squeezing my fingers. "It's Valentine's Day next Saturday and you know how much I dislike the commercialisation of love, but maybe we can go out for dinner… like an official first date?"
A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth when I noticed the light blush that colored her cheeks. Next weekend… I'm sure I'm single by then. Mon Dieu! What am I thinking?
"I remember you saying something like… not wanting to go on dates?" I teased, winking at her.
"I'm willing to make an exception for you professor Cormier."
I let out a hard laugh and glanced at the couple next to us. The baby was still screaming his head off and the mother was taking out her frustration on her husband at this point. Cosima followed my gaze and smiled at the little girl who was staring right back at her. The girl hopped off her chair and sat down in her father's seat, never breaking eye contact with my lover.
"So? We're going on a real date?" I asked, ignoring the little girl's intense stare.
"Yes," Cosima nodded, bringing the palm of my hand to her mouth, kissing it softly. "Maybe you can come to my place beforehand. I wanna show you my house, my safe haven."
"I would love to see it, but you'll have to promise me that you're gonna clean up the mess first. I'm not looking forward to a trip to the hospital because I accidentally tripped over a pile of books."
"Ow! That's mean," she laughed, pulling her hand away.
I leaned over the table and parted my lips, encouraging her to close the gap between us. She didn't need any words and immediately understood what I was asking her to do. She shifted forward and pressed her lips against mine in a long kiss, pushing a blonde curl behind my ear as I curled my fingers around her wrists. My primal brain was screaming at me to add some passion into it, to deepen the kiss, but I quickly pulled back, not wanting to express myself so intimately in public. I opened my eyes as soft giggle filled my ears, and almost gasped in shock when I saw the little blonde girl standing beside our table, her arms resting on the wooden surface and her eyes full of curiosity.
"Merde," I whispered, covering my mouth with my hand.
"Oh hello," Cosima smiled, looking unaffected by the little intruder that just interrupted our kiss and destroyed our bubble. I glanced at her parents and wondered why they had allowed her to walk up to us, but quickly got my answer when I saw her father on his mobile phone and her mother feeding her baby brother, her eyes glued to her newborn.
"You kissed her," the girl giggled, pointing her little finger at me as she kept her green eyes locked on Cosima.
"Yes, I did," Cosima confirmed and her eyes softened as the girl reached out to touch her forearm.
"Are you in love?"
"Yeah," she chuckled. "Yes, I am."
"My mom and dad kissed in the car this morning."
"They did?"
"Yes," she nodded, taking Cosima's hand. "You've got so many rings."
Cosima let out another chuckle and began to stroke the little girl's hand.
"You like them?"
"Yes."
The child suddenly crawled onto Cosima's lap before Cosima could stop her, and I instinctively stood up to safe my lover, but leaned back in my seat when I noticed the bright smile on Cosima's face. The girl asked her about her nose ring and touched it carefully, before she made a comment about her dreads. I intently watched the scene in front of me and realized that it scared me a bit. Cosima looks so comfortable, smiling at the girl, her eyes incredibly soft and warm. The look on her face reminded me of that one particular look only a loving mother could give, and it was so surreal to me that I felt the urge to stand up and walk away. I'm not sure what scares me the most, the fact that I've never seen my mother look at me like that… or seeing Cosima, the woman I'm in love with, interact with a child in such a motherly way… so patient and sweet. She's always been very protective of her niece and younger clone, but this looks different and it gives me a whole different vibe, but I couldn't put my finger on it.
"Oh no Lily!" the father interrupted my thoughts as he stood up from his chair, pulling his daughter from Cosima's lap. "I'm so sorry. She's constantly demanding attention from other women since her brother joined our family. I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, don't worry," Cosima said sweetly. "She's such a sweetheart."
The father smiled at her and gave his daughter a few crayons and a piece of paper, distracting her from my lover's presence.
"You're a natural Cosima," I said, taking a sip of my coffee.
"Hmm," she hummed. "Thank you."
"I thought you didn't have any maternal feelings? This definitely proved otherwise"
It wasn't an accusation, but it certainly sounded like one. Cosima's eyes bored into mine, trying to figure out the meaning behind my words.
"Well, I already told you that a lot has changed didn't I? Let's just say that I've developed some new feelings over the past seven years and that it gave me a whole different perspective on life okay? I think I've always had these maternal feelings, but I strongly believe that they were hidden somewhere deep inside me. I was just too scared you know. Babies are so fragile, you could hurt them easily."
"Oui," I nodded. "You've always had a big heart and you're very nurturing and loving Cosima. I'm not surprised that you were having those feelings all the time, but only realized it much later in life. You were always pretty good with Kira."
"Exactly," she whispered, averting her eyes from me as a light blush covered her cheeks. "You don't experience those feelings?"
"Me? Oh non. Non. Absolutely not," I laughed, pulling my hair up into a ponytail when my temperature begin to rise at the thought of me experiencing maternal feelings, nesting… the whole shebang.
"That doesn't surprise me Delphine," she said and I noticed a different tone in her voice as a look of worry spread across her face. "You looked uncomfortable while she sat in my lap."
"I did?"
"Yeah."
"I'm just not good with kids."
"You don't like them?"
"I like newborns, but older kids make me uncomfortable ."
"Why?"
"I… I ehm," I stuttered as my heart began to race. "I think it's a combination of the genes I inherited from my mom and the bullying during my childhood."
Cosima shot her head up and locked her eyes on mine, giving me a reassuring smile as she began to trace her finger around the edge of her cup. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes, but managed to smile back at her.
"You've mentioned your bullying past only once when we were together, but I still remember the day you told me."
"It's no big deal," I said hastily, trying to brush it off.
"I think it's a bigger deal than you want to admit to yourself Delphine. Not liking kids, because you were bullied in your childhood that's… a pretty serious thing."
"Maybe, but that's not the only reason why I don't like them. I'm convinced that it's also because of my mother."
"Can you tell me about it? The bullying I mean."
"Non." I said automatically, even before I could consider it.
"Just a little bit? I'm trying to understand Delphine. I want to get to know you."
"You already know me Cosima," I laughed, toying with my coffee spoon.
"I know your personality, your qualities, but I don't know much about your childhood. I was so focused on myself during our relationship."
"That's okay," I whispered, feeling a little emotional.
"No it's not, but please tell me a bit about your past."
"Okay, well, I was bullied in school and I still don't know why exactly. Those kids always found some reason to justify their acts. It stopped when I went to university."
I locked my eyes on hers and noticed that hers were a little watery. It made my heart swell with love, but it also made me feel weak and small. I don't want her pity and I surely don't want to be seen as a victim.
"That's must have been tough."
"Oui."
"Did they…" she started tentatively. "Like… was it verbal or physical?"
"Both."
"Oh my God," she cried, covering her mouth with her hands. She screwed her eyes shut as tears started to roll down her cheeks.
"Cosima," I sighed, touching her wrists. "Stop, please. It's okay."
"No, no it's not okay. Bullying is never okay."
"Of course it isn't, but I'm okay."
"H..how old were you when it s…started?" she hiccuped, trying her best to control her emotions.
"I don't remember exactly. Five… six?"
"Oh my God," she cried again, snot dripping from her nose. "I can't…"
"Cosima," I whispered, startled by how much this seemed to affect her. "Let's talk about something else okay? I don't want to upset you further and we're having such a great day, especially after what happened to you this morning. Let's focus on the good things allright?"
"Okay," she agreed, wiping her nose with the tissue I gave her. "But only if you promise me to tell me all of it bit by bit. I want to know you… all of you."
"I promise," I nodded, leaning over to kiss her cheek. "There is no reason to cry Cosima. Please stop."
She managed to calm herself down and we began to talk about my sister, my father, about this trip and about going back to work next week, when suddenly, Cosima's phone rang in her purse. She looked at the screen and raised her eyebrows.
"Can I take this Delphine? It's my sister."
"Yes of course."
She accepted the call and greeted her sister happily. I ordered myself another café au lait and a latte macchiato for Cosima, while she talked to her clone.
"Yes, I totally get that you're nervous, but I'm sure it will be fun," she said, gliding her fingers over the table. "Well, I've got an idea that may actually help you figure it all out."
I stared out of the window, watching the snow fall from the sky as I waited for my cup of coffee.
"You have the key to my house Charlie. Why don't you and Sam go to my place after you went to the movies? Just go there instead of going back to Alison's. I won't be back until tomorrow, which means you'll have the entire house to yourself tonight."
Another couple entered the coffee shop, holding hands as they shuffled towards a table. I wonder when the others will be back at the hotel for dinner. It's not like I'm hungry, but I want to hear their stories and see their silly pictures.
"Don't be scared okay? Try to enjoy it honey, it's such a natural thing. Take your time, but don't avoid it and just come to me when you've got any questions later. Okay?"
I looked into her eyes, raising my eyebrows in curiosity. I wonder what they're talking about.
"Okay sweetheart. Have fun tonight. I love you," she said before she hung up the phone, chuckling lightly as she shook her head. I opened my mouth to ask her if everything was okay, but the waiter was standing next to our table, handing us our drinks.
"That was Charlotte," she explained, even though that was pretty clear. "She's going on a date with Sam tonight, but she's so nervous. It's freaking cute."
"How old is she now?"
"She turned sixteen last September," she answered, locking her eyes on mine as she nibbled on a cookie. "Sam is head over heels in love with my sister, but Charlotte isn't sure if the feeling is mutual."
"So…," I whispered, eyes widening as the intension of Cosima's suggestion started to sink in. "You encouraged your teenage sister to take Sam to your place, because your house is empty tonight?"
"I think I did," she laughed, her eyes twinkling. "Come on Delphine, she's sixteen. She's allowed to experiment a little right? I just think it can help her figure out her feelings."
"I'm not judging the offer Cosima, but she has her own room at Alison's right?"
"Yeah, but Alison is a mother hen and seems to forget that Charlotte is her sister and not her daughter. I'm the one who gets Charlotte, gets where she's going through right now and can stimulate her intellect. We're so similar Delphine, and I'm convinced that Sarah and Alison don't understand Charlotte's feelings."
"But do you really think that this a good idea?" I asked cautiously. "Doing this behind Alison's back?"
"Well, this is important to me Delphine. I don't care if Alison doesn't agree. I want my sister to feel comfortable in her own skin."
"But have you even met this boy? Is he trustworthy? Is he good to Charlotte?"
Cosima's eyes widened and she suddenly burst out laughing. Is she mocking me for being worried? Merde.
"Delphine, you're so cute. You don't have to worry about boys being good to my sister okay?"
"Why?"
"Because Sam is a girl."
"Oh," I gasped, feeling a little stupid. "Mon Dieu."
"This surprises you? Come on Delphine, I thought you knew that some of the Ledas are into women."
"Yes, of course. I'm sorry. I don't know why I automatically assumed that she was going out with a boy, maybe because all the Ledas I know are dating a man except you."
"It's okay, I was just teasing you," she giggled, caressing the back of my hand. "I seriously hope Charlotte has the guts to bring Sam to my place tonight. She's very confused about her sexuality. She has never experienced any feelings for boys. I was just as confused when I was her age, but that all changed when I brought a girl home for the very first time. We fooled around a bit and made love later that night. Being physically intimate with a girl gave me all the answers I needed and I just hope it's gonna be the same for Charlotte. It's totally okay with me if she doesn't like it and falls in love with a boy in the future, but I have this feeling that my sister is in love with Sam, she just needs to discover it herself."
"You're such a good sister," I smiled, squeezing her hand. "Is Charlotte struggling with her sexuality? She knows that you're gay too right?"
"Yes, yes of course she knows and she doesn't care, but maybe it's different when it's personal don't you think?"
"I guess you're right."
"God, why can't she be like Sarah? Sarah didn't care at all when she found out that she liked girls too. We're all so different. I wish I could help her Delphine, give her all the answers and make her feel better, but she has to figure it out herself. I hope she doesn't get depressed or insecure about this and that her friends will accept it when she comes out."
"You're worried about those things?"
"Yes," she nodded, sipping her coffee. "She's quite popular and she has great friends. I'm sure I'm worrying way too much."
"I don't think you have to worry when she still comes to you with questions and asks you for advice," I said, giving her a sweet smile. "Are you the only person who knows?"
"Yes."
The couple next to us stood up from their seats and put their baby in the stroller as the little girl ran towards Cosima, handing her a drawing.
"Oh that's so sweet of you," Cosima cooed, brushing her hand of the girl's head. "Thank you so much."
She looked at the paper and pointed at a stick figure with wild hair. "Is that me?"
The little girl nodded shyly, standing on her tiptoes as she pointed at the other figure in the drawing.
"And that's your wife."
"Oh that's Delphine?," Cosima asked, tracing her finger over a stick figure with yellow curls. "I can definitely see the similarities. Awesome."
I snorted, but the little girl beamed with pride, waved at Cosima and turned around to take her father's hand before the young family walked out of the coffee shop.
"Your wife eh?" I chuckled. "Now you're moving too fast."
"I've never called you my wife," she laughed, raising an eyebrow at me. "Let's go back to the hotel okay? I guess the others will be back by now. I'm gonna pay for our drinks."
She stood up from her seat and walked over the the counter as I slipped my arms into the sleeves of my coat, ready to go outside and spend some more time with her.
The sun was going down by the time we walked out of the coffee shop. We strolled past a few stores, but neither of us felt the desire to go inside. I was lost in thought, thinking about a particular day in February of the previous winter. It was a quiet Sunday morning, Ed and I were sprawled out on the bed, postcoital and catching our breaths after a few rounds of intense lovemaking, when he began to talk about marriage. It came completely out of the blue and it scared the shit out of me. I don't remember exactly what my reaction was, but he never brought it up again.
It wasn't the first time that a boyfriend brought up the topic of marriage. The first time it happened was during my first year at university. I was dating Pierre at the time, a handsome guy who liked to buy me gifts and took me to different cities across Europe, he proposed to me in Rome, but I refused and that was the end of our relationship. Then there was James, an exchange student from London, who began to talk about marriage and five kids within the first month of dating, so I quickly broke up with him once Étienne became interested in me. Étienne and I were together for years, lived together and were very much in love. He wanted to get married eventually, but I was too much of a workaholic and worked for the DYAD at the time. Étienne and I grew apart, he was going on dates with a Parisian woman and I was already planning on moving to Minnesota to monitor a clone, so we ended our relationship. The only one who I ever dated and had never brought up a romantic wedding was Cosima. It's funny actually, because she's the only person in the world who can propose to me without scaring me. Images of Cosima and I in wedding dresses, on a beach in California, entered my mind as Cosima suddenly called my name, bringing me back to the present.
I glanced over my shoulder and noticed that she was standing a few metres behind me, her finger pressed against the window of a jewelry store.
"Look," she beamed, tapping her finger against the glass.
I shuffled towards her, a smile forming on my face as I took in her excited expression.
"That's the hanger Sarah gave me on the morning of my parents' funeral. It's completely identical to the one I lost," she exclaimed as tears welled up in her eyes. "My mom's initial. Do you remember?"
"Oui, of course I remember."
There's no way I could ever forget the moment we shared in that Italian restaurant. I can still visualize the look on her face when she told me what happened to her parents.
"Let's go inside," I said, taking her hand before I dragged her into the jewelry store. The owner of the store handed Cosima the little silver hanger and started her very well-practised speech to sell it to her, which annoyed me immensely, but Cosima didn't seem to listen at all. Her eyes were focused on the silver hanger that lay in her palm. Her bottom lip began to tremble as she traced her thumb over its shape and I immediately knew she was going to cry. I curled my fingers around the back of her neck, squeezing it affectionately, trying to offer her some emotional support, but the loving gesture only caused the opposite effect and tears began to roll down her cheeks.
"Cosima," I whispered. "It's okay."
She let out a heartbreaking sob and I instinctively pulled her against my chest, covering the side of her face with my hand, trying to shield her tears from the saleswoman. This was way too vulnerable and personal for her to see. Cosima dug her nails into the back of my hand, allowing herself to cry.
"Is she okay?"
"Non," I barked, angry at her for upsetting my lover, even though she didn't do anything wrong.
"Y..yes," Cosima stuttered, stepping to the side while she wiped the tears from her face. "I'm so sorry. This is so embarrassing, but my parents passed away a few years ago. It was all very sudden."
She unbuttoned her coat and showed the saleswoman the silver 'G' that hung from her necklace. I glanced at the woman's name tag… Margareth. Yeah, she definitely looks like a Margareth.
"This is my father's initial, but I lost my mom's."
"I am so sorry to hear that, but isn't this amazing at the same time? Maybe it's a sign?"
I managed to suppress a snort, when I suddenly realized that Cosima actually believes in that stuff. I don't really care about Margareth, but I want to respect Cosima's beliefs, her version of a near death experience. Mine was pretty simple, I got shot and within ten seconds, everything went black. I don't know why her experience was so different from mine, maybe because she was prepared and I wasn't? Because she was relaxed when it happened? Or because she was expecting it for a while? Maybe hers was different because she had already accepted death before it actually happened? I really don't have an explanation for it, but I chose to believe her, even though I didn't experience it myself when I was bleeding to death. I wonder what Vivienne saw when she attempted to kill herself.
"Maybe it is," Cosima sniffled, wiping her nose on her sleeve. "How much is it?"
"129 dollars and 98 cents."
"Oh my God," Cosima gasped and quickly handed the hanger back to Margareth. "Okay thank you. I'll think about it."
"No," I said hurriedly. "We'll take it."
Cosima looked at me with wide eyes, parting her lips, but nothing came out.
"Great! You're so lucky to have a friend like this," she told Cosima, walking over to the counter to cash my 129 dollars and 98 fucking cents.
"Oh non. She's my wife," I joked, winking at Cosima.
Cosima gave me a weak smile and a slight blush covered her cheeks while I paid for the silver hanger.
"Oh isn't that wonderful," she chirped.
"Yes, yes it is," Cosima smiled, shaking her head in disbelief.
"What a great day isn't it? You walked past my store, spotted this hanger and just fifteen minutes later, your parents are reunited."
Cosima merely nodded and swallowed back a sob as a new round of tears trickled down her cheek. I know it's unfair of me, but I disliked this woman. I hate seeing Cosima's tears. Margareth handed her the fancy jewelry box and gave me the receipt before she escorted us out of the store.
"Bye ladies, enjoy your night."
"Delphine," Cosima whispered, squeezing my upper arm as we walked down the street. "You didn't have to do that. I don't even know how to thank you properly."
"Well," I began, turning my head to the side to give her a flirtatious wink. "A simple kiss is more than enough."
She smiled broadly, standing on the balls of her feet to press her lips against mine. It was quick and short, but it was a good kiss nonetheless. I lighted a cigarette before we resumed our stroll back to the hotel. We walked in silence, our arms brushing against each other with every step we took, until Cosima slipped her hand into mine. My body jumped at the contact and a wave of panic rushed through my chest. What are we doing? We kissed in public, I bought Cosima jewelry and now we're walking hand in hand. We're acting like a real couple and I like it. I like it a lot, but this is not okay. I have a boyfriend, a boyfriend who wants to fight for our relationship… and then there is Cosima, who is clearly in love with me and makes no effort to hide it whatsoever. This whole situation is making me sick and I need to tell her… she needs to know that I've got a boyfriend, but that she's the love of my life, that I want her to be mine, and I'm going to tell her... I'm going to tell her tomorrow.