Ch. 7: In Soviet Russia…
T. J.: "Kidnap the Sandy Claws, tie him in a bag. Throw him in the ocean then see if he is sad."
F.K.: You have "Kidnap the Sandy Claws" stuck in your head, don't you Roxas?
T. J.: At least you didn't have two people throwing pillows at you while you were asleep!
F.K.: Are you talking about your sleepover at India's house?
T. J.: Yep, yep. Not fun. Then I woke up to someone saying, "Well now you're gonna get it, mother-"
F.K.: DON'T CUSS!
T. J.: Your face…
F.K.: I seriously think you're spending way too much time with your friends.
T. J.: It turned out to be coming from India's DSI. But it was fun during the sleepover. Until Gloria did that creepy exorcist move. THAT. WAS. CREEPY. It didn't help that India was turning the lights on and off really quickly.
F.K.: Hopefully you weren't traumatized during the sleepover, or else I will take away all of your horror books forever.
T. J.: NNNOOOOO! NOT MY BOOKS! But I wanna get a Lexicon!
F.K.: … You want to get a dictionary? We already have a bunch of dictionaries here.
T. J.: … No I want to get a Lexicon like Zexy's! XD
F.K.: You do realize that lexicon means dictionary, right? So that means that Zexion uses a dictionary as a weapon.
T. J.: OH. Can I have Xemmy's Ethereal Blades?
F.K.: Uh, you do know that Xemnas's weapons look like lightsabers, right?
T. J.: Ethereal Blades.
F.K.: Okay, then. Why do Xemnas's Ethereal Blades look like red lightsabers?
T. J.: They're Ethereal Blades.
F.K.: Alright, fine then. We don't own Kingdom Hearts. If we did, lots and lots of random stuff would happen and other things wouldn't have happened. Now on with the story.
"Boys and girls of every age,
Won't you like to see something strange?
Come with us and you will see
This our town of Halloween!" sang Axel, Roxas, Sora, Demyx, and Riku. They had just finished watching the movie, and they had gotten some of the songs stuck in their heads.
"Which song can we sing next?" Demyx asked.
"But we only sang the beginning part of 'This Is Halloween', Dem-Dems." Axel objected.
"Who cares? I want to sing 'Jack's Obsession' next!" Roxas said cheerfully. Nobody argued and they started to sing.
(All) "Something's up with Jack, something's up with Jack.
Don't know if we're ever going to get him back."
(Riku) "He's all alone up there,
Locked away inside."
(Roxas) "Never says a word,
Hope he hasn't died."
(All) "Something's up with Jack, Something's up with Jack!"
(Axel) "Christmas time is buzzing in my skull.
Will it let me be? I cannot tell.
There are so many things I cannot grasp,
When I think I got it, and then at last,
Through my bony fingers it does slip,
Like a snowflake in a fiery grip.
Something's here I'm not quite getting
Though I try, I keep forgetting
Like a memory long since past.
Here in an instant, gone in a flash!
What does it mean? What does it mean?
In these little bric-a-brac, a secret's waiting to be cracked.
These dolls and toys confuse me so!
Confound it all, I love it though.
Simple objects, nothing more
But something's hidden through a door
Though I do not have the key
Something's there I cannot see
What does it mean? What does it mean?
What does it mean? Hhhmmmmm…
I've read these Christmas books so many times
I know the stories and I know the rhymes
I know the Christmas carols all by heart,
My skull's so full, it's tearing me apart!
As often as I've read them, something's wrong
So hard to put my bony finger on.
Or perhaps it's not as deep as I've been led to think
Am I trying much too hard?
Of course! I've been too close to see
The answer's right in front of me!
Right in front of me!
It's simple really, very clear,
Like music drifting in the air!
Invisible but everywhere.
Just because I cannot see it,
Doesn't mean I can't believe it!
You know, I think this Christmas thing
Is not as tricky as it seems
And why should they have all the fun?
It should belong to anyone!
Not anyone, in fact, but me!
Why, I can make a Christmas tree
And there's no reason I can find,
I couldn't handle Christmas time!
I bet I could improve it too!
And that's exactly what I'll do!
Hee, hee, hee,
Eureka! I've got it!"
The boys all started to laugh like crazy when Axel finished singing Jack's part.
…
Roxas opened his eyes wide in the dark gloom. He waited for his eyes to adjust to the darkness, and looked around to see if anyone else is awake. The only things he saw is the mounds of sleeping bodies around him, and the gentle sounds of steady, slow breathing and loud snoring. Everyone else is still asleep, and only Axel was talking to something in his dreams out loud.
Everyone is still in their deep slumber, which is no surprise because they all fell asleep after they finished singing all of the songs, which was at about five in the morning. When it comes to singing songs, no one wants to keep track of time or make sure that they wouldn't wake anyone up.
Roxas got up from beside his bed on the floor, and looked around some more. Sora was some distance away from Roxas, Demyx was still in front of the TV hugging his sitar and sucking his thumb in his sleep, Axel was sleeping on his back at the base of the bed on the floor. Somehow the cats got in the room during the night, because Sora's, Roxas's, Demyx's and Axel's cats were sleeping in small fuzzy bundles on the bed. Riku was sleeping at a corner curled up in a cave blanket, his face peeking out of the cave for air to breathe.
Roxas smiled evilly and quietly walked over to the sleeping Riku. He poked him repeatedly on the face to make sure he's asleep.
"Hello? Anyone awake in there?" Roxas whispered to Riku while gently knocking him on the head like a door. Riku snored a bit louder as a response.
Satisfied, Roxas took out a Sharpie from his pocket. He uncapped the pen and started to doodle on Riku's face. He drew a mustache, glasses, and wrote "LOSER" on his forehead in capital letters. He wrote "I'M" on one cheek in capital letters, and "EMO" on the other, also in capital letters. Roxas started to laugh at his immature artwork, capped the pen, put it back in his pocket, and walked over to his spot where was sleeping. He went back to sleep with a grin plastered on his face.
…
"Roxas! Roxas, wake up!" a voice yelled in Roxas's ear. Roxas opened one of his eye's just a crack to see what was going on. He was greeted to the sight of a pyromaniac's face much too close to his face for comfort.
"Whoa! Can you back up a few meters?" Roxas said as he crawled away from Axel.
"Sorry, but that's usually the only way to get you awake fast. Other than to tell you that we are cooking chocolate chip pancakes."
"You're cooking chocolate chip pancakes? I'll have twelve!"
"No, you're not going to have pancakes unless you tell us what this is about!" Axel pointed to Riku who is trying to rub the marks off of his face.
Roxas looked and tried to hold back a laugh. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Oh, I think you do know what we're talking about! Why did you draw on my face with a permanent marker?" Riku questioned angrily.
"In Soviet Russia, you do not use permanent markers. Permanent markers use you." Roxas said in a funny accent.
"Huh?" everyone said in unison.
"In Soviet Russia, you do not say huh. Huh says you."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Sora asked his Nobody.
"Wait, I think I remember that 'In Soviet Russia' game. The point of it is for someone to say something, and another person has to say it backwards. Like for example, if you tell someone to cut something with scissors, the other person would say something like 'In Soviet Russia, you do not cut with scissors. Scissors cut you,' in a funny accent." Axel explained.
"Oh, I guess that makes sense. But how are we going to get the marker off of Riku's face?"
"Well, there is this type of special liquid that Vexen made. It can only remove permanent marker stains, which is good. He made it after Roxas kept on doodling on his lab stuff and everyone's faces when they're asleep." Demyx said.
"But the stuff is only found in the meat lockers." Axel stated. "And I DO NOT want to go down there in the mornings when Vexen is probably sleeping down there again."
"Meat lockers? How come you guys have meat lockers?" doodled Riku asked.
"That's what they call the labs. Because the creepy scientist down there can control ice, and whenever he's angry, which is almost all the time, the labs become a sort of meat locker down there." Sora told Riku.
"Oh, now I get it. Do they always give weird nicknames to everything and everyone in this castle?"
"They call the kitchen an insane asylum or the Kitchen of Doom, the library is called Zexion's Evil Lair of Illusions and Doomyness, the labs are the meat lockers, the place where they have meetings is called the Meeting Room of Doom or The Place Where Nutcases Gather For Boring Lectures, Axel's room is called a nuclear bunker, Marluxia's room is the Garden of Poisonous Plants, and Demyx's room is a rock concert."
"Wow, I was right. You are friends with a bunch of weirdoes."
"Don't call Axel a weirdo, or else he will try to burn your hair off." Roxas warned.
"Roxas, since you created this mess, you have to go down to the labs with me." Axel said.
"Awww, come on!"
"No whining."
"Fine, just as long as I can have chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast."
…
"You knock first." Roxas said as he shoved Axel in front of the frozen door. Axel sighed with annoyance, lit his hand on fire, and knocked three times on the door for the ice to melt. The ice all ended up as a puddle on the floor, which evaporated once Axel stepped on it.
The blond and the red head walked through the opened door and looked cautiously inside. Most of the room was incased with ice which quickly melted when Axel came near. They looked around at the different cabinets, trying to find the liquid that will remove the marker stains. They passed label after label of different concoctions until they found a beaker that was labeled "Permanent Marker Remover- For flesh only" on a high shelf. Axel can easily reach it, but the only problem is to get past the sleeping scientist sitting on a chair, blocking the way for the cabinet with the beaker.
"I'm so not going to move him." Roxas whispered to Axel.
"Well, I can't touch him or else I would probably melt him." Axel whispered back.
"Well, can't you just like chill out and nudge him?"
"Chill out? My entire being is made of fire! Although that would probably not make any sense because I don't have one. You move him."
"I don't wanna!"
"Quit with the whining already! Maybe you can summon your Samurai Nobodies and ask them to move him."
"Not Jeff!" Roxas yelled out.
"Quiet down or else he will hear you!" Axel hissed. They looked at the sleeping Nobody who stirred slightly in his sleep. Vexen said something that vaguely sounds like he wants to stab icicles at Roxas. They both breathed out a sigh of relief when Vexen showed no signs of waking.
"Ethan?" Roxas asked.
"Who's Ethan?" Axel asked. Roxas behind Axel as an answer. Axel turned around to see a Samurai Nobody behind him. Axel turned back to Roxas with a confused look on his face. "You name your Nobodies?"
"Yep! I named one of them Monty Python!" Roxas whispered cheerfully.
"You're a mystery Roxas." Axel stated flatly.
Roxas just shrugged and motioned for Ethan to come closer. "Hey, Ethan. I want you to move this nutcase here away from the cabinet so Axel here can get that beaker there, okay?"
Roxas nodded his head repeatedly like someone is talking to him. "Yeah… Uh huh… Okay… Uh huh… Okay… Okay."
"Uh, Roxas, are you okay?" Axel whispered to his friend, concerned about his sanity.
"Yes I am. I'm just talking to Ethan."
"Well, I don't hear Ethan talking."
"That's because Ethan and all of the other Samurais can speak to me in my mind."
"Well, my Assassins don't speak in my mind."
"They probably don't like you."
"Whatever! Just tell Ethan to move Vexen so we can get that beaker and get out of here!" Axel whispered rather angrily.
"Okay, Axel. Okay. Stop rushing me! Ethan, if you will."
Ethan obeyed and picked up Vexen's sleeping form, hanging him over a shoulder. Axel went over to the cabinet, opened it slowly so no creaks would be heard, gently took out the beaker, and closed the cabinet. He moved out of the way so he can let Ethan put Vexen back in place. Ethan then disappeared in a flash of darkness.
Axel and Roxas both ran out of the labs as fast as they could, not caring if they are loud.
…
"Hold still! I know it stings a little, but this is the only way to get those marks off of your face." Axel said to the squirming Riku. He was rubbing the liquid on Riku's face with a soft towel, and rubbing marks off of someone's face who is constantly moving is not easy.
"Have you ever had this stuff on your face before? Because it stings like crazy!" Riku said through gritted teeth.
"I never had permanent marker stains on my face. Only on my arms and hands." Axel answered.
"Why only on your arms and hands?"
"Roxas is entirely convinced that the reason why I wear tight sleeves is because my arms and hands are bones. That's the only reason he draws on me."
"Weird."
"I know, but you'll get used to it once you see a pattern in Roxas's way of thinking."
"I see no pattern."
"Exactly my point. Now stop squirming so I can clean you."
Axel continued to rub away at the stains as Roxas and Sora was singing "Kidnap the Sandy Claws" with Demyx playing the tune on his sitar. Axel managed to clean all of the marks off of Riku's face without getting any into his eyes.
"Kidnap the Sandy Claws,
Tie him in a bag!
Throw him in the ocean,
Then see if he is sad!"
"Okay, I'm tired of singing 'Kidnap the Sandy Claws'." Complained the now bored Roxas.
"How about we sing 'This is Halloween'?" suggested Demyx.
"We already did that."
"'Jack's Lament'?"
"No."
"'Poor Jack'?"
"Boooring."
"'Friend like Me'?"
"That's not even from The Nightmare before Christmas!"
"It's not?"
"No, it's not. It's from 'Aladdin'."
"Oh."
"What are you guys talking about?" snapped the very much annoyed Riku.
"We're arguing about if the song 'Friend like Me' is from Aladdin or not."
"…Really?" Riku stared.
"Yep."
"Sooo… you're arguing whether or not a song comes from some place?"
Roxas spoke before Demyx could respond, "In Soviet Russia, you do not argue about songs. Songs argue about you."
"That doesn't even make any sense!" Riku complained.
"In Soviet Russia, things do not make sense. Sense makes things." Roxas stated. Then he flopped on his bed, as if to signify that the conversation is over. Demyx walked over to the white bed and sat down on the edge.
"Can we still sing 'Friend like Me'?" He asked the Key of Destiny.
Roxas sighed in defeat. "Yes."
"YAY!" Demyx cheered.
The musician grabbed his sitar and started playing the song while Roxas took a deep breath.
(Roxas and Demyx) "Well Ali Baba had them forty thieves,
Scheherezad-ie had a thousand tales.
But master, you in luck, 'cause up your sleeves,
You got a brand of magic that never fails."
"GUYS! WE'RE HAVING CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES FOR BREAKFAST!" Called up Marluxia.
The door was off its hinges and Roxas was gone before you could even say "Kingdom Hearts".
"MMAARRLLUUXXIIAA!" Roxas yelled as he ran through the corridors.
Sora, Demyx, Axel, and Riku all stood staring at where the door used to be. Axel sighed. "That's the third door this week!"
…
"I want twelve!" Demanded the rather hungry Roxas.
The pink haired Nobody rolled his eyes. Every time he cooked pancakes it was always the same greeting. Roxas loved to annoy him but he stopped annoying him when he cooked breakfast. He would never understand the younger Nobody. Never have, never will…
Roxas sat down in his chair and watched as Marluxia prepared the pancakes. A small nagging voice told Roxas that he should save some food for Sora and Riku. And maybe he could get his hands on a bottle of food poisoning…
Marluxia set the plate in front Roxas and snapped him out of a daydream that involved food poisoning and Riku. The sound of a door opening behind him announced that Demyx and Axel came along for breakfast.
"Hey Mar-Mar! I want two pancakes!" Demyx said in an annoying sing song voice.
Axel grunted in annoyance. "I want seven pancakes."
Marluxia looked at him in confusion. Axel never wanted more than two pancakes. "Are you sure? That doesn't sound like you, Ax-"
"JUST GIMME SOME PANCAKES AND LEAVE ME ALONE! GOSH!" snapped Axel. Roxas got up from his spot, took his plate of pancakes and moved all the way to the other side of the table.
Marluxia gave Demyx his two pancakes and placed the maple syrup in the center of the table. Roxas grabbed the syrup immediately and drowned his pancakes in the sticky liquid. Marluxia grabbed a second bottle and placed it farther away from Roxas, and then he gave Axel his seven pancakes. After Demyx was done putting the syrup on the pancakes, Axel grabbed the whole bottle, got two more plates and forks, then headed away from the kitchen.
Marluxia saw the departing pyro about to leave the kitchen. "Hey Axel! You're not supposed to bring food to your-"
Axel turned around abruptly and threw a flaming chakram at the botanist, yelling, "SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" then marched out of the room without another word.
"… In Soviet Russia, you do not throw flaming chakrams. Flaming chakrams throw you." Roxas said as he disappeared in a corridor.
…
"Hey, Axel? You forgot the bottle of food poison- uhh, I mean you forgot your chakram." Roxas corrected himself.
"No I didn't." Axel said as he summoned both of his chakrams. "And for the record, I will never in a million years bring food poisoning. I know for a fact you want to use that for Riku."
"No I don't."
"Yes you do."
"Hey Demyx! How about we finish up 'Friend like Me'?"
"I still want to eat!" Demyx stated as he stabbed a fork into the pancake bread. Roxas gave a glare that clearly said, "Finish it or you'll die," but Demyx wasn't looking.
Axel set the plate of food down on the bed. He placed two pancakes on a plate and gave that to Riku with a fork, and three pancakes on another plate and gave that to Sora with a fork.
"Why does he get three pancakes?" complained Riku.
"Because he asked for three." Axel said flatly.
Riku quickly shut up.
"In Soviet Russia, you do not get three pancakes. Three pancakes get you." Roxas added.
"Will someone please shut him up?" asked the ticked off Riku.
"In Soviet Russia, you do not shut Roxas up. Roxas shuts you up." Roxas said happily.
Riku's hands started twitching, as if he were imagining them around Roxas's throat.
Axel saw Riku's twitching hands. He leaned over and smacked his hands with a sticky fork. "I wouln' 'ry 'o hur' Roxas iff I were you." He said with his mouth full of pancakes.
Riku stared at him. "What?"
Axel swallowed down his mouthful of food and repeated what he said before. "I said 'I wouldn't try to hurt Roxas if I were you'."
"Why not? He deserves it, though. So don't be surprised if I hit him."
"Would you like it if I smacked Sora?"
"… No. I would personally hurt you if you did."
"That's why. If you smack Roxas, I'll smack Sora."
"Hey!" Sora called out from the background.
"Oops." Axel said with a smile on his face.
T. J.: VOLTAIRE IS AWESOME!
F.K.: … Yeah, T. J. here was just listening to some of his songs earlier, and she's ranting about how she wants the Vorutanian Keyblade.
T. J.: "While there's children to make sad, while there's candy to had, while there's pockets left to pick, while there's grannies left to trip down the stairs, I'll be there, I'll be waiting 'round the corner. It's a game I'm glad I'm in it, 'cuz there's one born every minute. And it's so easy when you're evil. This is the life you see, the-"
F.K.: SHUT UP ALREADY! Geez, now the real trick is how to get you to stay quiet for at least 5 minutes.
T. J.: "It gets so lonely being evil. What I'd do to see a smile, even for a little while. And no one loves you when you're evil. I'm lying through my teeth! Your tears are all the company I need!"
F.K.: Ignore T. J. for now. She's having one of her personal singing moments. Anyways, review soon! We probably won't be able to continue on adding on chapters later on in the week because Roxas, Sora, our parents and I are going to East Wenatchee in Washington for Memorial Weekend. This means we are going to take off after school on Friday, and come back on Monday, leaving us no time at all for writing.
T. J.: "No one's gonna sigh with a tear in their eye, because no one's gonna miss you when you're dead." IMMA MISS YOU ALL WHILE I'M GONE! Even though some of you don't review. I still will miss you all. And if any of you live in East Wenatchee, I hope I see you! But you won't know it's me. If any of you see me, Axel's gonna be there too! And Sora. Then you can call me Roxas! But that's only if you see me.
F.K. and T. J.: BYE GUYS!
T. J.: Listen to Voltaire's When You're Evil!
F.K.: Stop advertising and start packing!