AN: So this is kinda the in between, expect to see how things ended next chpt. I either love to write or love ya'll (prolly the first since I haven't gotten much interest), but heres another update! You all should def review, though please! My friends aren't enough!

Xox B

Chpt 7

Against Ashley's advice and the urging of her other friends, Brittany agreed, reluctantly, to meet up with Santana during her lunch break the following Tuesday. Santana was working as a nurse practitioner at the local hospital while finishing her last year or two in med school. She'd taken a semester off when she was trying to figure out things with her and Andy a few years ago. If she was honest, the break was as much for her relationship wit her fiancé as it was for her to figure out her feelings for her blonde ex. She slipped off her stethascope and placed it on the table in front of her as she waited for her pale counter part. She was nervous, it had taken a good half hour to convince Brittany to meet up with her, and she couldn't blame her. Santana's response was completely uncalled for and shocking even to her self. The Latina was so wrapped up in her self hate that she hardly noticed the blonde's presence until the woman sat in front of her. Any conversation was cut off by the waitress asking for their drink orders. When she'd turned to fill the order, Santana cleared her throat, trying to find anything to say.

"Why did you insist on seeing me, Santana?" Brittany asked, just above a whisper, looking up from her hands.

Santana sighed, the blonde was never one to beat around the bush. "I just- how I reacted to your relationship, it was fucked up and uncalled for. And I just didn't want your visit to end like that, with you mad at me, possibly as the last time we'll ever see each other." Santana knew the real life possibility that this was the last time she would ever see her ex, and she wasn't really ready to fuck that up for eternity.

"Yeah well, my relationship shouldn't have pissed you off like it did. I still don't get why you were so angry…" Brittany was looking to pull information out of the Latina that she already knew, but wanted the other woman to finally grasp and accept.

Santana shifted uncomfortably in her seat, she knew this was coming but wasn't ready to have to say it out loud, when before she'd barely even admitted it in her own head. "I, um, guess I was just jealous… I mean, when you were in Colorado I didn't have to realize that someone else was making you happy, but hearing it that night and seeing how honestly happy and in love you are… It just hurt I guess, I don't think I ever really got over you…" Her eyes cast down to her hands in her lap, waiting for the response from Brittany.

The slender girl sighed audibly but was still confused. "Santana, you never batted an eye when I brought Tatiana over, and she stayed the night most of that summer after you ended it. And don't say you didn't know we were together, I know you heard us almost every night, those walls are not that thick, and you often caught us getting out of the shower. Never seemed to get mad about that, besides us using more water."

"Well, yeah I guess. But I was still mad at that time. I was pissed at myself for being such a coward, for running back to what is comfortable, and for being confronted daily with the fact that you were moving on. I was angry but I had to hide it from you, I couldn't let you know that her hanging around all the time was bothering me. I mean, I had no reason to be mad, like you said, I was the one who ended it."

Brittany just shook her head and looked around the small restraunt. They had already ordered and the food was just being brought out. She looked at her pasta but mostly just pushed the food around. Santana noticed.

"What are you thinking about, B?"

The blonde just shook her head again and shoveled a fork full of pasta in her mouth, refusing to tell Santana what was troubling her.

"Come on, Britt, I know you. What's eating at you?" The Latina asked with an eyebrow raised curiously.

"Just was thinking. I tried to fend off what was inevitable. I even asked you over facebook when Andy was in town for his birthday that winter to not hurt me, to just end it before I was too invested in the relationship. To warn me if you felt like you'd never be okay enough to tell people about us. But you reassured me that you would be okay eventually, that it was only a matter of time before you'd thrown caution into the wind. You lied to me, you never thought that day would come did you?"

"What are you talking about?" Santana knew exactly what message she meant but didn't understand where this was coming from, and she was starting to feel guilty.

Brittany pulled out her phone and opened the facebook app, pulling up the past messages shared between the ex's that facebook so lovingly saved for so damn long, and turned it to face the Latina so she could read it.

"i think the hardest thing im trying so so so damn hard to swallow is the fear of u being like, sorry britt i was mistaken and im staying with andy and what we had was just experimenting. i kno that all is so possible still but for how much i put into relationships, and u know how i put my heart on the table, itd hurt like a bitch if it did happen. this isnt meant to make u feel like u have to act one way or another but rite now im holding my breath waiting for the text or call that says its over. dont let me suffocate myself if u know its not guna come. i love you santana, i really do. and i think what we have, the close friendship and more, is truly something special. there def is something here, but i guess im having a hard time knowing im 2nd rate. member when u said u like knowing wat im up to but to leave out the making out parts? well, thurs night at the bar is awesome to know, the hotel part and knowing very well wat most likely will b happening and knowing it wont b with me is like the same thing, it hurts. so leave that part out, tho im secretely hoping u guys dont have sex cuz a) if/when u break it off that'l hurt more and b) i hate thinking of someone else touching u like that."

"You lied to me, Santana. I even gave you a fucking out five months before you left me, why didn't you just take the damn out? Why did you have to hurt me like that? After everything you watched me go through when Kassidy left me, why?" Brittany asked, her eyes searching frantically for answers.

Santana shrunk away from the questioning gaze. She didn't want to have to answer Brittany, to face how selfish she really was. But she owed it to the blonde to be honest, for once, and so she took a deep breath to gather courage and brought her eyes back up to blue ones.

"Because I was selfish, Britt." Santana was mumbling, but her voice gathered volume as she continued. "I loved you, so so much. And I wanted everything you did, to be able to walk down the street hand in hand and share the occasional kiss. I wanted to introduce you to my family as more than just the best friend they knew you ask. But I knew that I would be shunned from the family, especially my dad's side, if they knew I loved a girl. They are so caught up in religion they would drop me in a heartbeat. But more than that, I was scared of the looks we'd get. You don't care about what others think of you, and I honestly envy you for that. But I'm not as strong as you are, B. I am weak and selfish. So I held on to you, hoping that your strength would rub on to me, and that some day I would be able to proudly hold your hand and look anyone who gave us a hard time in the eye. But every time you asked, I was still a coward and kept claiming to need more time, just putting off the fact that I was never going to be strong enough for you. I was never good enough for you, Brittany, you deserved so much more. And it seems like you found someone who will treat you like I always wished I could have."

Brittany sat silently absorbing everything the darker woman had just said. She looked into Santana's eyes and saw the raw honesty swirling in them, a rare sight. She just nodded and picked up another bite of her, now cold, pasta.

"Well, San. You could have had all of that. All that I have with Trisha, it could have been you. But I think that this is fate's way of telling us that, though we will never be what we were, that we are a big part of the reason we are the way we are today. At least, I know that you are a big part of why I am who I am today," Brittany said shyly, looking at her pasta as she absently swirled noodles around her fork.

Santana nodded, realizing that Brittany wasn't mad anymore, and wasn't even sad. She was just accepting the reality of the situation. "I think you're right, Britt."