Chapter 7: Despair
Nostalgia
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Despair
To lose all hope and confidence; cause of hopelessness
I knelt on the floor of the living room in my apartment, trying to clean under the couch, since I could see the dust bunnies so perfectly, thanks to my new enhance vision, and it was driving me insane. I felt the need to do something productive with my day, so I decided to clean and leave the apartment spotless. I was still gloomy and I tried in vain to ignore my heart's desire of running to La Push and seeing my children. I wanted to, but I had promised Alice that I would never go there.
I cleaned the house at human speed and when I checked the time on the clock, it read seven o'clock at night. I was hungry, since I didn't go hunting in the morning. I walked to my room and packed extra clothes, since I was going to be hunting and you never know how crazy things got when I was hungry.
After I was done changing, I walked to the living room and sighed. I hated the loneliness and quietness that lingered on every room. I tried to buy furniture that was lively and inviting, but nothing worked. I was the person that made this apartment so dreadfully cold. I was about to exit the apartment, when my cell phone rang and I answered without checking the caller ID.
"Hello," I said softly, as I played with the straps of my backpack.
"Mad, it's Rose." Rosalie said cheerfully. "I'm in Forks,"
The phone almost fell from my hands, I was so excited. I have been dwelling on my freaking loneliness for so long! It was great to have my sister with me.
"You are kidding me, right?" I shrieked excitedly.
"No, silly, I am in Forks! Want to come over! Do you have a pen to write the address."
"Sure, give me a second." I said and walked over to the coffee table and retrieved a pen. "OK, give me the address."
I began to scribble the address on the palm of my hand. "I've been in that house. I lived there with Edward and Bella and their daughter, Nessie."
"I know!" she said.
"Then why didn't you just tell me?" I said annoyed.
"I don't know! I guess I wanted to bother you!" she said. "Anyways, hurry up! We're hungry, you're coming with us, right?"
"Of course, silly!" I said contentedly. "That'll be amazing. Just like old times!" I said cheery.
"Alice is going to be so happy to see you." Rosalie said in an exciting voice.
"Alice came, too?" I said excited. "OMG! I'll be there in a flash!"
I stepped out of the apartment and locked the door with the key and marched down the corridor.
"I am on my way, Rose." I said.
"OK, I'll see you soon." Rosalie said, before she hung up.
I walked to the parking lot and got in my forest green Nissan Titan truck. I drove down the road and felt excited to be with my new family. At least I was not going to feel alone, well, better yet, I wasn't going to be so depressed.
Fifteen minutes later, I was dashing up the front steps of the Cullens' mansion. "Madie," Alice shrieked happily, when I stepped into the living room of the large mansion. "I've missed you!" she said loudly, as she wrapped me in her arms. I looked down at her and laughed. It was so good to feel welcome.
"I missed you too! I'm so glad that you guys are here. Why are you here?" I asked worriedly, when I saw Jasper's concern face.
"Well," she paused, slightly pushing me away from her. "I saw you crying and I had to come to see if my sister was alright."
I didn't care for the reasons that they came. I was just so glad to have my family with me. "I am so glad that you came. I have been so sad, Alice."
"Let's go hunting first and then afterwards, you can tell us all about your life." she said bubbly.
"That's a perfect idea." I said.
I was very hungry for blood. I couldn't control my thirst. I bet that my eyes were dark now. They often changed to black whenever I was hungry or lusty. And I was lusty for Embry!
"Mountain lions or bears?" Emmett asked.
"Bears!" I said loudly, when I saw Emmett coming down the stairs. I sauntered to him and welcomed his open arms. "Bears, please!"
"They won't be as good as the ones in Alaska, but it'll do." he said mockingly.
We went hunting and it was fun. I enjoyed the time I spent with my family. I was blessed to have them with me. I asked them about Carlisle and Esme and they told me that they would be arriving at the end of the week. They also told me that Edward and Bella and their daughter, were living in Oregon for the time being. They were planning to move to Vermont in the next few months, since their little daughter Nessie wasn't so little anymore and wanted to go to college, with her imprint.
I was finishing my dinner-bear to be exact-, when I saw a shadow move from behind the trees. I could hear a low grumble and I stood up and stared at the darkness. I saw a large figure in the distance.\
"What's that?" I asked softly, as I walked towards Alice and Jasper.
"Did you see that, Alice?"
"I did," she said softly, as she took my hand. Jasper pushed us both behind him protectively and growled at the shadow. "It's Jared, one of Sam's pack members."
"Jared?" I asked confused.
"You don't know him?" Jasper said softly, as he took a look at us. My hand was still clutching at Alice's. I was curious, because I hadn't seen a werewolf look so menacingly, like Jared did. Heck, not even when I came across Jacob, did I feel so scare like I did that instant.
"No, I don't think I do." I shrugged.
"He is staring attentively at you." Emmett said worriedly.
"Why?"
"He's a friend of Embry." Rose said with disgust, as she pinched her nose. "They smell disgustingly bad. Go away, idiot, we are in our land!"
"He is a friend of Embry?" I asked surprised, as I released Alice's hand. I took a step forward and then turned to Jasper and Alice. "He does smells bad! Should I go and greet him?"
"No!" Rose said sternly, as she rushed to my side. "Don't you dare get close to Sam's pack." she forbade me. "They'll destroy you!"
"Why? I've not done anything to harm anyone. Shit, I've never drank any human blood in my life and I don't intent to, ever." I said hurt.
Rose gave me a half-hug and a kiss on the forehead. "They don't see it that way. We are their enemies! They live to kill vampires and to protect La Push from us."
"Oh, Embry thinks I'm his enemy," I cried sadly.
"I'm sorry, Madison." Rose said, as she gave me a sympathetic smile.
"It's fine, Rose..." I paused, and stared at the light brown wolf that had emerged from behind the trees.
He took a few steps closer and stared directly at me. It growled lowly, exposing it's incisors and then turning around to move deep into the woods. A few minutes after he'd disappeared, I heard his howls piercing loudly in to the darkness of the night. We continued hunting and every now and then, I would see different shadows, wolves, coming closer to the invisible line to sniff the air and stare at me.
"Why are they here?" I asked nervously.
"Calm down, Mad." Alice said. I could feel Jasper manipulating my emotions and I suddenly felt calmed.
"We should go," Emmett suggested, when a large gray wolf appeared from the dark thicket of the forest. "I'm not responsible for what happens." he growled.
"Calm down, Emmett." Rose ordered, as she walked to him and places a calming hand on his shoulder. "We aren't doing anything wrong. We haven't cross the line, even though we can, because Jacob granted us permission, we won't." she said loudly.
I took a step closer to the invisible line that was supposed to separate Forks from La Push, but Jasper quickly reached for my arm and pulled me closer to him.
"Don't you dare." he warned me, his eyes staring at me. "You will not see your children today, not yet. But you will soon, I promise you!"
"But, Jazz, I want to see my babies." I whispered, as my eyes averted to the wolves that stood a few meters away from us.
"They are safe with their father." Alice said in a calming voice. "Your chance will come when you can see them… Embry won't harm them. They are safe with him."
"I know… but you don't understand, Alice, Jazz." I sobbed desperately. "I need to see them!"
"I do understand." he said, as he stood behind me and placed a hand on my shoulder. "I understand perfectly. I would feel despondent if I couldn't see Alice..."
I jerked away from him and clenched my fist in anger. "It's not the same. You didn't give birth to Alice!" I shouted.
I could feel his mood enhancing powers trying to manipulate me again, but I was beyond pissed. I needed to see my children. I wanted to see them so bad. I was desperate.
"It's all the same pain , it's just the person and the situation that changes." Jasper said casually.
I turned to face the seven wolves that had gathered in front of us, growling softly at us. I dropped to my knees and wept.
"Sam's coming." Emmett said acrimoniously.
I veered my head to him and eyed him curiously. "Who's Sam?"
Emmett sighed. "The pack's leader."
"How can you tell?" I asked intrigued.
He inhaled deeply. The wind was blowing towards our direction and it carried the horrible stench of the werewolves. I held my breath and continued to stare at Emmett.
"I can smell him." Emmett said nonchalantly and looked down at me and smiled.
"Oh,"
"Let's go back home, Madison. They're here to see if you truly are a vampire." Rose said acidly, as she stared at the four werewolves that had stepped closer to the invisible line.
"I'm sorry! I have to, Rose, Emmett, Alice, Jasper. I am so sorry!" I said, as I turned to face my sister Alice.
"Don't you dare! Madison Love, don't go there!" Alice screamed, her eyes opened widely, but it was too late. I had used my ability to teleport and before I could control where I was going to go, I stood in front of the entrance of the house that Embry and I once shared. I looked around nervously and knocked.
I heard the soft lazy steps of a child and I could smell Braxton's scent drifting freely around me. He opened the door and when he saw me, he jumped in my arms and hugged me.
"I knew you would come." he whispered in my ear, as he hugged me. I could feel his warm tears falling on my clothes. It was worth it. Everything I was doing was worth it! "Dad's not here." he said, as he pulled away from our hug. "He's patrolling and Seth's with him. Aunt Rachel is in the basement getting something."
"Can I see Kiki?" I asked softly.
Braxton nodded and took my hand in his and guided me inside. The house was warm and inviting. The living room was ample with a few toys thrown around. I closed the door behind me and followed Braxton up the familiar steps. We walked down the narrow upstairs hallway and stopped in front of a pink door that had a "Princess' Only" sign.
"She's in there." he said, letting go of my hand. "When you are done with her, can you tuck me in?" he asked hopeful.
I kissed his forehead and inhaled his precious scent. "Of course, but I can't stay for too long, sweetie."
"I'll take all you can give me, Madison." he said, offering me his dimpled smile. "I'll be waiting for you."
With trembling hand I opened Kyra's bedroom door. I could see a tiny figure under the covers. Her wild, untamed hair fell over her face and she inhaled softly. I was nervous, I didn't want to interrupt her dreams. She was probably dreaming of ponies and candies. I wish I could go back in time, when things were so much simpler. I walked softly to her bed, inhaling and memorizing her baby powder scent, mixed with Braxton's and Embry's. She was adorable, with smooth russet skin, that was so kissable and soft.
I knelt beside her bed and tucked the strands of hairs away from her cherub face. I ran my hand through her chubby cheeks and sobbed with happiness. She was perfect. Everything about her was flawless, she looked so much like her father, but with more delicate features. Her nose was tiny and her lips were in a pout as she slept. I kissed her face and she shivered. I stared dreamingly at her. I wanted to see her eyes and just fall in love with her. I couldn't get enough of her, but I needed to tuck Braxton in bed. I knew that Rachel or someone would hear me and probably attack me, for trespassing on Quileute land.
"I love you, princess." I said, as I kissed her one last time. "You are my world, angel!"
I exited her room and knocked on the door that was across of Kyra's room.
"Come in, Madison." Braxton whispered softly.
I walked in and ran to his bed and engulfed him in my cold arms. This boy was so sweet and beautiful. He made me feel alive and worthy of his love. I knew he loved me and wanted to get to know me better. He'd accepted me for what I was and he still unconditionally loved me.
"I love your hugs." he whispered against my chest.
"You do?" I asked surprised.
"Yes, they make me feel safe. They make me feel loved and for the first time in a long time, I feel happy to have a mom." he whispered, as he looked up at me from behind those amazing green orbs.
"You are safe with me." I said, kissing his cheek.
"I know." he nodded. "I've tried to tell Dad, but he just growls and ignores me."
"He needs time to accept what I am." I explained, kissing his face, nose, cheeks, chin and forehead. "It'll take a while. But, we can make it work. Now rest, my angel. You have to go to school tomorrow." I choked, when I pulled away from our perfect hug.
"Tuck me in, Madison, please." he said, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.
I swallowed hard and put on a brave smile. "Of course, sweetheart, but I have to leave as soon as I tuck you in."
"It's fine." he said, smiling. I covered him with his Spiderman blanket and kissed his forehead again. "I missed you."
"I missed you, too." I whispered. "I love you so much, Braxy."
"I love you, too." he said, as he turned his sleepy face to me. "You are the best."
"Thanks." I said happily. "I'll try to have your dad bring you to my apartment one of these days."
"That'll be awesome. Do you have Xbox 360, Nintendo Wii and other video games consoles and games for us to play?" he said excited.
"No, but I can get them for you, if you want me to." I said, tousling his long hair lovingly.
"You would do that for me?" he asked surprised, lifting his head from the pillow to stare at me.
"Anything for you and your sister." I smiled. I kissed his cheek again and smiled at him. "Sweet dreams, angel! Look, I have to go, your dad's here and they've caught my scent. I have to leave. I love you. Remember that I have always loved you."
"I know." he said, closing his eyes and grinned.
"Bye," I whispered, as I walked to his door.
"Bye, Madison. I love you." he said sleepily.
"I love you more, prince."
I slowly made my way out of my son's room and closed the door behind me. I didn't tried to hide the fact that I've been in my son's room. When I turned around I saw Seth and Embry staring down at me. Embry was shaking angrily and Seth had a confused look on his face.
"I didn't hurt her." I whispered, when I saw Seth's face. "She is still sleeping. I didn't wake her up. I just wanted to see my angels."
"I know." Seth said softly, and smiled sweetly at me. "I know that you would never hurt her. I trust you, Madie."
"Shut up, Seth!" Embry growled and took a step forward. I jerked back afraid of what he was going to do to me. "You, come with me," Embry ordered, as he took my hand and steered me to the room on the far end of the corridor. "What the fuck are you doing here?" he asked enraged. "You could have gotten killed! Sam and his pack are heading here to destroy you! How did you do that, vanish into thin air?"
"But I-I didn't," I stammered. "I, well, I teleport. That's my special power..."
"You are lucky they haven't caught up with you!" he snarled, as he shoved me against the bed. "Do you know what's going to happen to you if they find you?" I shook my head. "No, of course not! This new Madison doesn't seem to think her actions before she executes them. They are going to follow your scent and they'll find you here." he grumbled.
"I'm sorry. I was desperate to see them. I didn't mean any harm. I just wanted to see them. I wanted to see you! I desperately wanted to see you. Damn, baby, I love you!" I said frantically, as I touch his forearm. "I needed to know that you were alright!"
"You could've called me." he barked.
"I have and you don't answer." I said sadly, as I got closer to him.
He got tensed, when I touched his exposed chest. "That's because..." he moaned. I glazed my hand over his pecs and deposited gentle kisses on his chest, his arms encircled my waist and brought me closer to him with such forced, that would have hurt me if I was human.
"Baby," I sighed, when his hand moved under my shirt. "I love you!"
He began to knead my breast softly with his hand, his lips were on my neck as he left a trail of fiery kisses on my cold skin. Being a vampire, enhanced every touch and every kiss. The feeling on my skin was mesmerizing and so compelling. His body and his smoldering gaze were beckoning me to him. I jumped in his arms, straddling him with my legs and I began to kiss his collarbone and the base of his neck. I wanted this man so badly. I wanted to feel his fire, consume me and feel how good his body merged with mine.
"Fucks, Madie, you could've gotten killed." he whimpered against my mouth, his hand undoing my pants' button. "Jacob left La Push and Sam thinks he is in charge. You can't come to La Push. Oh, damn, baby, that feels…"
"I know, but I had to." I said, when he positioned me on his bed. "I had to see you…" I muttered, as I closed my eyes and felt his warm hands touch me so sensually. His hot mouth took my right breast and his raspy tongue grazed against my hardened and taunted nipple, eliciting a loud moan from my lips. I grabbed a handful of his hair and pressed him closer to me.
A howl pierced the night, booming loudly in the room. "Shit, they caught your scent." he said, as he pulled away from me. "You have to go!"
"Does it bothers you?" I whispered, feeling the coldness his body left behind, as he moved away from me.
"What?" he asked confused.
"My scent," I said lethargically, as I pulled on my tee shirt and buttoned my pants.
"I can't even smell you." he chuckled, as he got up and stood at the foot of the bed and looked down at me. "It's strange, but I can't smell your vampire scent. You smell like berries and flowers in a meadow." he said casually, as he extended his hand for me to take.
I smiled at him and took his large hand in mine. He helped me up and placed his other hand on my shoulder. "I can't smell you, either. Well, I can, but you don't smell like the rest of them, like the other werewolves."
"I don't?" he asked contently.
"No, you smell different."
"Different bad?" he asked, putting his arms to his side.
"No, different good. Like the ocean and earth and rain, all mixed together in a divine aroma..." I trailed off, afraid to wrap my arms around him. The passion was gone and now what was left behind was a bigger gap between us.
"Oh," he said.
"Embry,"
"Yes,"
"I love you." I mumbled, as I took a step away from him.
He ran his hands through his hair and sighed. "You have to go."
"Will I see you again?"
He cocked his head to the side and glanced at me. There were more howls nearing his house. He looked edgy and nervous. "I don't know. I need time to think things through. Leave, Madison."
"I, I want to see them again. I want to see you again, please." I begged, placing my hand over my heart, my broken, dead and silent heart.
"I don't know." he fumed.
"I won't hurt them." I whispered.
"I know, but, I just, you gotta go, now. They will be here any second and they can kill you. I don't want them to hurt you. I still care for you."
"Let them, if they want, I won't fight them."
"Why?"
"Because you don't love me anymore." I said, gnawing at my lip as I stare at him. "The imprinting magic that united us, it's, it's broken and I am so sad for causing you so much pain."
"Go, Madison." he commanded.
"Tell me if you love me, please." I begged, running up to him and wrapping my arms around him. "Tell me, please!"
"Why do you need to know?" he asked coldly, as he stared down at me. His arms were on his side. I held on to him tightly, as if my life depended on him. And in a way, my life did depended on him!
"Because my life depends on those three words." I wept. "Because I love you and I can't live without you anymore!"
"I don't know how I feel about you." he said coldly, as he pushed me away from him. "Leave, now, Madison!"
"I underst- bye." I whispered dejectedly.
I took a step back and stared sadly at him. My life didn't mean a thing without him by my side. If he didn't love me, then nothing was worth it. I loved my children, but without Embry there was nothing worth to fight for. I had officially given up.
"Bye, Embry." I cried and closed my eyes.
When I opened my eyes, I was in my apartment. I had teleported to a place where I knew that no one was going to find me. But I was wrong. Alice could see my future and she knew where I was going to be.
"I knew you'll be here." she said, sadly, as she emerged from the shadows of my room. "I didn't bring Jasper with me. I knew that you wanted to cry and just let everything out. I'm here for you sister. I will always be here." she said, kneeling down beside me and placing her hands on my back. "Just let it all out!"
That night, I cried silently. All my frustrations, agonies and anxieties came pouring out. I cried for Embry, for my children and for the life I lost.