VII. The Validity of God
The first thought that went through my head on that day was that I had been blessed. I remember that I wept with happiness as I faced the solid proof of my suspicions. While I had already seen evidence of God's favour for me before then, I had never dared to commit my faith to the idea that He might have seen some special quality in me: although it had appeared that way, I was hesitant to accept it for fear of arrogance. At that moment, however, I was certain of it. He was real, He was the hope of humankind, healing the world, and I had been chosen to help Him. Such overwhelming joy.
The second thought I experienced, which struck me as I was placing the notebook on my desk (I recall that I was shaking at the time, a notion which I find surprising but which is implanted so firmly in my memory that it would be foolish to dismiss it) was doubt. It was not over the validity of God, but rather whether I would be able to fulfil my duty. Was I worthy of this? Why was I, above everyone else, selected for this task? The thought was strange, considering that the mere fact of my being chosen ought to have demonstrated my suitability, but beings such as myself cannot always think logically, and the truth is that I doubted. I worried, I hesitated, and as I took my pen in my hands I wondered whether the touch of a less than holy creature would desecrate God's weapon forever.
The sight on those hideous men broadcasting themselves to the nation, claiming divinity while abusing God's name, was enough to rekindle my resolve.
I believe now that the greatest respect I can show the Lord is obedience. This, more than trust and far more than the useless thoughts and analysis of lesser beings, is what He requires from us, and in this respect (putting arrogance aside) I am surely the best disciple He could ask for. I cannot expect to always understand His orders, as His thoughts far surpass my own limited understanding, but I will always, unfailingly and without question, carry them out to the best of my ability. I know that my God is righteous, and He will reward my efforts just as He punishes the actions of the sinners.
Yet I also know that it is wrong for me to involve Him in my petty imaginings. This does not prevent certain baser, less intellectual parts of myself from doing so. This section of my mind tells me that it is only natural to wonder, to speculate, to consider (since I know that He possesses a physical presence) whether He might show Himself to me one day. Such thoughts are akin to blasphemy, however, and I must cast them aside for the sake of my soul. Whether God will meet me or will not is for Him alone to decide. In the meantime we mortals need do nothing but obey.