Imperfections Weakness
Chapter 7
My anger rose to a new height at my newly found memory. I let my aura out and it grabbed the football as Cyborg had tried to pass it to Beast boy. The two Titans stopped in confusion. Giving a quick glance at one another, Cyborg stepped forward with a sheepish laugh.
"Wanna join, Rae?" he asked. "I didn't peg you for a football player."
I took the ball from my hands and then threw it with all my force toward Beast boy. The look on his face was reward in itself. He fell back with the brown oval ball in his arms. Without a word, I floated away to be alone in my thoughts.
I didn't really believe Beast boy had raped me. After a long moment of clarity, I had realized how out of character that would be for him. The green Titan had always treated me with respect and courtesy. My train of thought did lead me to another conclusion. Beast boy had seduced me and now he didn't remember a second of it.
I couldn't really decide what was worse. Being seduced or have my seducer not remember any of it. Then, there was the fact that I hadn't been in my right mind to stop it.
Then I was struck with another thought as I splashed water over my face. My incredulous face stared back at me in the mirror. What if I had been the one who had instigated it? My hands reached for the lever to cut off the water. Beast boy being the victim had never occurred to me. Was I really that intoxicated that I could have forced my way with him?
A heavy sigh left me and I turned away to leave. All the possibilities was beginning to drain my energy. I fell back onto my bed and stretched. My brain began to make a list of all the problems I now had.
One, began with the fact that I had slept with my team mate. Why was this bad? Well, for starters, he was my team mate. This would probably affect our professional relationship.
An evil voice from the back of my head piped up at that moment. 'Bull shit,' it said. 'If that were true, then Robin and Starfire would be out on their butt!'
My eyebrows furrowed. "Robin and Starfire are different!" I retorted with a childish attitude.
'How so?' it probed my brain with that inquiry.
I was at a loss for a moment. Sitting up, I drew my hands into fists. "Because, I'm not like Starfire or Robin! They are normal and I am Raven."
'Lame,' was the only word it had to say next. 'Next brilliant reasoning?'
I sighed in defeat. My mental squabbling was getting me no where. I wasn't even sure where my point was with my other two team mates. In truth, hadn't affected the team at all. If not, it probably made all of our bonds stronger. I pondered that for a long moment. Why had it made it stronger?
'Perhaps it was watching them that you found something worth fighting for,' the voice in my head spoke back.
I considered that for a long moment. It was true. Watching the love between Starfire and Robin was incredible. I could never experience such an emotion. Perhaps I was somehow living through them. Feeling their happiness which was something I would never feel on my own.
'Bullshit,' that voice almost roared. I gave a shrug. I wasn't about to take it back. 'You have an opportunity to experience it! You choose not to.'
"Not true!" I yelled back. In my anxiousness, I stood up and stared at the ceiling. It had been a long day since I felt the need to speak to myself while staring at plaster. "I could never! Especially not with him!"
'You just did, Raven,' someone whispered in my ear. I jumped and turned around. An exact replica of myself stood before me. I ran a hand through my hair.
"I need to gain some weight," I sighed as I noticed that my copy was on the frail side.
She moved a little more exotic than I would normally would. Pushing herself almost on me, she placed her face close to my own. "Beast boy is everything," she said simply.
I crossed my arms over my chest. "It was one night," I reasoned with her. "Doesn't mean a thing! Especially not with Beast boy."
"Why do you run from it, Raven?" she asked me. Curiosity filled her dark violet eyes. She was concerned for me.
I gave a shrug. "You know the consequences for emotions."
She backed up for a moment to consider it. Turning to her right, she walked over to my night stand. I watched as she grabbed the broken lamp. It's light bulb gone, thanks to my exertions from that night. "I think you'll survive," she said before tossing the lamp. She began to make her way back to me. "You need to stop running!"
"I'm not!" I snapped.
"You are," she gave me a stern look. One you'd give a child that you had just scolded. Walking behind me, she began to circle me. "That's why you come up with these crazy theories of rape and seduction!"
"What other possible explanation could there be?" I asked, following her as she continued her circle around me.
My copy threw her hands up in the air. "Why does everything need an explanation!" she almost laughed at me. "You're cloths came off. His probably torn off. And, it happened!" she told me as she motioned to my bed.
I turned a little red. That wasn't where it happened. Looking away, I felt my frustration flood in. A light bulb exploded near by. When I looked back, she was only inches away. "Admit it Raven," she said with a serious look. "However it happened, the morning after was the most content you had been in ages!"
"No!" I almost pouted. "It won't always be that way!"
She clung over me as I fell to my knees. "You've been pushing all that love inside yourself. Trying to avoid it, Raven! It's not going to work anymore. Bringing him to your bed opened it all up."
I felt tears flood my eyes. More things began to explode behind us. I was almost sure I'd take out the bedroom windows. "I can't!" I screamed as the last light went out. Darkness swept over the room.
"Why do you do this to yourself?" she breathed into my ear. "You saw his pain. Felt it. Like you could almost cup it in your hand. Terra tore that part of himself that you will always love. You could fix it!"
"I can't fix anything," I struggled from under her grasp. I could hear a knocking noise in the far distance. I was sure I took out the entire tower. That was probably everyone coming to look for me.
"Don't run from this, Raven. You know you want it again," she almost cackled. I would have never imagined that voice coming out of me. My voice sounded so unfamiliar. The knocking was getting a little louder. I felt my copy's hand on my head. For a second it was gone and then something hard hit me.
I woke up in my bed with a start. With a huge gasp, I sat up and looked over at the clock. It was flashing 4 A.M. Trying to catch my breath, I ran a hand over my cold sweated forehead. It was a dream, I realized. My mind raced back through the conversation to try and pin point the last thing I remembered. I was talking to myself. I was sorting through some sort of problem.
I looked around the room for some sort of clue. The broken lamp was still on the floor where I left it. I was on the bed and not on the floor where the dream ended. I looked up at the ceiling. I must have fallen asleep when I laid down. I was going through my list and that's when my copy showed up. I felt a shiver run up my spine. It felt so real. Even the knocking...
Then a loud knock echoed through the room. Startled, I jumped. My hand clutched my chest to try and keep my racing heart at bay. That was what had woken me up, I realized. "Coming," I yelled, trying to keep my voice leveled. Scooting off the bed, I went to the door. Sure enough to make my night, Beast boy was on the other side.
Author's Note
So sorry for the lack of updates. I left off at a weird ending and then I had writers block. I'm trying throw us all in this ride of Raven's mental roller coaster. I think I know where I want to go so hopefully more chapters will be up quicker. I am going to be updating my bio on my page so please check back for that. Hopefully new stories will come too. Please R/R... I enjoy what you all have to say. Even when you're not being nice. :p
As always, I own nothing. Just enjoy my stories with our beloved characters owned by DC comics.
DotN