In The Line Of Duty

Pressure levels normal. Oxygen levels normal. Temperature: 19°C

Location: Sparta System.

Standard Time:2183.16.02

Somehow they had gotten here.

Sitting around the large table in the mess, cards and poker chips between them, half empty glasses of cheap rum, the bodies of a killed unit of Admiral Kahoku's men in their morgue, the stench of flesh decaying under the influence of thresher maw venom filling the air, and they were half naked by now.

Alenko had lost his shirt already and was well on his way of losing his pants. Garrus had taken off part of his armour but held his liquor better than the rest, so he was not loosing as easily. Engineer Adams was butt nekkid by now, covering his 'junk' with a uniform hat. Ashley was in just her bra and her uniform trousers, hair down for a change, and was way too drunk. But she was at the point where she did not care anymore. Because marines were dying like flies around them.

She should be used to it by now. After Eden Prime, this should not send her over the edge so much. Especially because she had not even known any of these men. But it hurt. It hurt like hell. It hurt, because she thought of Nirali, and of all the others that had not made it off that godforsaken rock that was supposed to be paradise, all the people they had lost to Saren and that bastard was so far out of reach. It seemed with every step they took towards him, he moved six steps ahead. It hurt, because she had never been this aware of how tiny they were, compared to what was happening around them. Facing that thresher maw had put things into a horrible perspective.

She wanted to believe the Commander would track the rogue Spectre down, she really did. She really wanted to understand what the others saw in her. What Alenko saw in her. Hell, the man looked at the Commander like if she told him to jump into their Drive Core, he probably would. Adams, too. And Garrus. For some reason they saw something in the Commander Ashley just could not wrap her head around. What had Shepard really achieved so far? Nothing. And the doubt were gnawing on her, little whispers that their mission would fail.

"Is it true then?" Draven suddenly asked. Which one, Ashley did not even know. Twins, all looked the same. Talitha? Maybe that was Talitha, might be the other one though. Either way, the woman was fully dressed, made them all run for their money, had not lost a single round.

" 's what true?" Ashley asked.

"Joker says the Commander took out the thresher maw on foot down there."

"We were there too, you know?" Alenko reminded her.

"Yeahhhh it's true! We were in the Mako and that son of a bitch knocked the tank over. Thought we were done for. We manage to crawl out of there. The maw was weakened from the heavy machinery, we took it down on foot. Hell of a fight! But lucky us the great Commander Shepard was there to save the day! Hero of Elysium! Hell, she even managed to save everybody's asses! Oh, no, wait... she didn't! Everyone's fucking dead."

Cue the awkward silence. Gazes were avoided; you would probably hear a pin drop. Ashley had raised a glass for her sarcastic toast and when no one did the same, she just downed the shot alone. Hell, someone had to salute those dead marines down there. Slowly, Alenko rose to his feet.

"Right, maybe we should... call it a night..."

"Awww come on Alenko, don't be a party pooper! Everyone is having so much fun! Just because you can't stand to hear that your precious Commander Shepard isn't so perfect? Well, here's a truth bomb for you, LT. She saved no one. She didn't save Kahoku's men. She didn't save the people on Eden Prime. Hell, do you want to keep counting? Because I bet my bra, the bodies pile up back on Elysium for all those she could not save!"

"That's enough, Williams. Shepard isn't perfect, but she's trying."

Adams suddenly jumped up in a wobbly salute.

"Attention on deck!" he called. Ashley, half hanging over Alenko's shoulder, looked back. There she was. Commander Shepard, all uniform and strict bun and stick up her ass.

"Oh look, the mighty Commander Shepard."

"You might want to cut back on the booze, Williams," Shepard said, her voice monotonous, flat, empty.

"Or I have a better idea! You sit your ass down and drink with us to all the bastards you couldn't save. We're all the same here, aren't we? Humans and aliens and engineers and gunnery chiefs and Commanders!"

Ashley grabbed the superior officer by the arm, pulled her closer, pressed a glass in her hand.

"I'll pass. And so should you. You've had enough."

"Why? Because you're better than us? Were those marines who died in the line of duty not good enough to deserve a toast from the great Commander Shepard!"

"I had my share of drinks to those that didn't make it, Williams. Trust me, it's not a road you want to go down."

"Stop!"Ashley yelled, when the Commander was turning to leave. The woman froze to the spot, the deck was in silence. "Stop being so fucking perfect! No one's buying it! Where's that chink in your perfect N7 armour, Shepard? How can you be so unfazed? Doesn't it do anything to you to see these people die? Maybe you're a machine too, maybe you're a geth under there, is that what you are? Is that why you don't care if marines die on your watch?"

The last words had barely left Ashley's lips when the superior fist had met her face. Ashley stumbled, fell, and stayed on the floor. Hot blood was dripping from her nose, white pain in her eyes - possibly tears she tried her best to hold down - and she was suddenly very sober. No one moved, no one spoke, it was a miracle they even dared breathe.

"I care! You want to know what I did after Elysium? I got drunk! Alone! I got so drunk that I couldn't feel a thing anymore. So drunk that I couldn't remember their faces, their names. I got drunk and I hoped it would all end! I didn't want to be the one left. I didn't want to be the hero of Elysium, didn't want the Star, the ceremonies, I would have traded it all – would still trade it all – just so they'd be alive. You want to know their names? The names of each and every fallen marine on Elysium, everyone who died on my watch? Hancock, Mitchell, Nagra, Donovan, Cole, Forth, Schmidt, Polloni, Derrida, Velasquez, Cho, Collins, Avery, Miyugi, Xenon, Durant. I cared. I almost drank myself to death because I cared too much. You ran when your unit died on Eden Prime. I didn't give you flack for it. Who are you to judge me now? You're not better than me. We are the same. We're marines. We're all broken. The challenge is to fix it. Because there are others out there and maybe, maybe if we try harder, next time we'll be able to save them! That's why we remember the names. And that's why we get up! So get off your ass Gunnery Chief!"

They stared in silence.

Ashley looked up at the woman who, for the very first time since she knew her, had completely lost it. She had been looking for it, had tried to draw it out, but there was much, much more anger within Shepard than she had expected. They were the same. She had not really thought it through when she had said it before, but the Commander was right. They were exactly the same.

Maybe that was why she was so angry, maybe that was why she did not even know what to do with all that anger. This was not about Kahoku's men. It never was. It was about the two of them, being stuck in the same shoes. Shepard with her unit on Elysium, Ashley with her unit on Eden Prime. They had both watched them get wiped out, they had both made the choice to survive, against all odds, and they both blamed themselves for it. That was it, was it not? Ashley had survived while all the others were gone. Should she have stayed, should she have fought a fight she could not possible win, should she have died instead of running and living to fight another day? Should Shepard have died on Elysium instead of pulling through, surviving, so she could fight another day? Had they not both made the same choices and had to live with the same consequences?

She looked up when Shepard extended a hand towards her. "Don't make my mistakes, Williams."

It took strength, it took swallowing her own pride and her own self-pity, to take that hand and let the Commander pull her to her feet. She steadied, then saluted.

"Ma'am."

"Let Chakwas check your nose. Draven, make sure she gets there."

"Aye, Ma'am!"

Ashley saw the poker genius come closer, help her in her shirt, then took her arm. Ashley pulled away, avoided the gazes around the table, but she did look up at the Commander before she left for the med bay.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am. I was… out of line."

"You were. You're angry and scared and drunk. But that's okay. I was angry and scared and drunk once. Get over yourself and this will not show up in your file."

"Thank you… Ma'am."

She saw the Commander nod and then went to the med bay, where she sat for a while, in silence and alone after Chakwas helped her stop the bleeding, thinking about what had just happened.

Perhaps that night was when Ashley Williams decided that Commander Shepard was one she could follow. Because they were the same.

Author's Note:

I was VERY concerned about this piece. I wanted to draw strong parallels between younger Shepard after Elysium and Ashley after Eden Prime, I wanted them to collide over that. My Shepard initially did not get along with Ashley AT ALL but they grew together (until Virmire, stupid, stupid Virmire!). When Jemma Shepard was struggling after Elysium, when she fell off the grid, Anderson was there to pull her to her feet and I am pretty sure he wasn't gentle about it. I wanted that parallel for Ashley and Shepard. I like the idea that if they had been given the chance, Shepard would have been for Ashley what Anderson was for Shepard. And I wanted to somehow convey that in this piece.

I was very reluctant to post it because I didn't want people to misinterpret my opinion of Ashley. It is mostly something Shepard says in a conversation: Something about Kaidan giving her information from his head, and Ashley from her heart. I believe Ashley feels a lot and she can't hide that as well as Kaidan can and I find that incredibly interesting about her. She has no filter and won't hold back on her opinion, even if it disagrees with her superiors. That, mixed with her family background, got her loads of crappy assignments. And then she gets on the Normandy and she finally fits in because her honesty is exactly what Shepard wants to hear.

I just have a lot of BroTP feels for Ashley and Shepard, okay?!

Hope you enjoyed the piece, it was a tough one to write.