Chapter Six: Deciding on a Future

Berwald was getting used to being a human pillow, and to say he loved it would have been an understatement. He was thrilled to wake up every morning with the most beautiful man ever created draped over him like a warm blanket.

Getting up without waking Tino, however, was a challenge. He would mumble and moan as Berwald carefully repositioned him and crawled out of bed. He never fully woke, but he did make his displeasure at losing his warm bedmate known with sleepy grumbles of protest.

Yes, Berwald wanted to get used to that too. It was adorable and heart-warming and utterly perfect in his opinion. There was a lingering smile on his lips as he built up the fire and got dressed. As promised, he stopped in Peter's room and roused his son.

"Rise and shine min son, it time for helping Papa with chores." Berwald said and he got a sleepy snort which made him chuckle. But the lad did wake up and groggily sat up to blink his eyes vaguely in Berwald's direction.

"It's still dark outside, Papa." Peter said. Berwald nodded and ruffled his hair.

"Aye, but only just. Come, the sun rises soon and there is work that must be doing." Berwald said, helping to get Peter dressed in warm clothes. He frowned as he did so. Erik's old clothes were all well and good, but the boy did not have any decent underwear and his shoes were not going to last through the winter. He needed several sets of long underwear and a pair of solid work boots as well.

He also needed a better coat and hat, and a slate, chalk, and workbooks wouldn't go amiss either. Berwald was positive the child could not read yet, and during the coldest months when they were all holed up inside by the fire, it would be a good opportunity to begin teaching him to read and write. If he was going to get these items, he needed to make that trip today, before the snow got any higher.

He had wanted to make one final trip to the trading post with a load of his furniture for a couple of weeks now, and he just could not put it off any longer. It was the first day of December, Old Man Winter was already here, and he would dig in deeper quickly. It was a six mile trip west one way, but worth it. He could stock up and get Peter and Tino much needed necessities for a very long winter. He was sure Peter would love the trip, but he wasn't so sure about Tino. It would be a bumpy ride in the pony cart and Tino was sore and tender enough without being jostled around. Perhaps with enough pillows he'd be alright and, if not well, Tino was a grown man and could handle a day at home alone to rest.

Berwald thought about his options as he got Peter's coat on him and tied his shoes before they headed to the barn. Peter thrilled over the horses and the cow. Agneta seemed to like the boy too. She butted his chest for a pet while Berwald milked her.

"She likes you. When you are a little older this can be your chore to get milk from her. It must be done twice every day or else she will hurt." Berwald said as he showed a fascinated Peter the process of milking the cow and both goats.

The next chore was setting the feed out for his workhorses: two monstrous shire draught horses, both gelded males with sleek black hides and white noses and feet. They were handsome and sturdy and built for heavy work. They made even Berwald look small in comparison. Peter was enthralled as Berwald lifted him up to feed the first one an apple.

"This one with the star on his forehead is Hans. He love apples." Berwald introduced as Hans whiffed Peter's palm and gently took the apple the child held. Peter squealed with delight as the beast tickled him and nudged him for more. Berwald then turned and handed Peter another apple.

"This one here with the spots on his nose is Magnus. He prefers carrots, but he won't say no to apples either." Berwald said as he introduced his adopted son to his animals. Peter adored them almost as much as the animals seemed to like the child. Berwald would argue with any man who said animals were stupid. They were very smart and they always knew a child from an adult, and every animal he had ever owned had treated children far more gently than adults. They just seemed to know they were dealing with a child who was not as sturdy as Berwald.

It brought a smile to his face, watching the animals bond with his son; Peter did have an affinity with them in return, which was a very good thing since he was now part of this farm. He would grow with the animals, and as he grew his chores would too. For now he was still little and he was lucky to be able to hold the bucket of chicken feed. Berwald sat the bucket down at Peter's feet as they entered the chicken coop area.

"Just reach inside and scatter the feed, Peter. Like this." Berwald said showing him how to do it properly. He was a fast learner and he laughed sweetly as he ran about making sure he got feed spread all over the coop for the chickens to scratch at and eat. Berwald then showed him the egg basket and how to go about getting eggs from the nests. Peter couldn't reach them all, but the lower level nests he had no trouble with and he gently removed eggs and placed them in the basket so he didn't break any. Berwald only had to put back two of the nesting eggs* Peter took by mistake.

He was a conscientious little helper, eager to learn and to make Berwald proud of him, just as Berwald had wanted to make his father proud as a boy. It was touching enough to make a little lump form in Berwald's throat as he scooped up the egg basket in one hand and Peter's hand in the other as they trotted back to the house to begin making breakfast.

Berwald opened the door to the house and stopped short. It smelled of coffee and brown sugar. Tino was in the kitchen smiling at them both as they took off their coats. "Good morning." He said cheerfully as Peter raced over to tell Tino everything he had seen and done that morning as he scrambled up into his booster chair. Tino placed a bowl of his favorite oatmeal in front of him with a spoon.

Berwald walked over, confused, and Tino just directed him with a gesture to sit as Peter rambled on and on. Tino sat another bowl of oatmeal in front of Berwald with a wink. He was moving around slightly better, but he was still hobbling and Berwald frowned. When Peter began eating he spoke.

"Why did you fix breakfast when you should be sleeping?" Berwald asked and Tino smiled,

"I'm doing what I can to help. You'll have to show me your secret to the coffee. Mine is weaker than yours. Sorry." Tino said setting a cup next to Berwald's bowl.

Berwald took a drink and sighed; it was nice to have someone make him coffee for a change. "It still good. Thank you even if I think you try to do too much too soon." Berwald said and Tino grinned as he sat with his own bowl of oatmeal.

"I managed. It was finding the right ingredients for breakfast that was tricky. You keep everything in jars that all look the same. I had to open most of them to see what was inside." Tino said and Berwald stopped mid-bite. All his jars were labeled, which meant only one thing if Tino had to open everything to see what was inside. Like Peter, Tino couldn't read.

"You cannot read?" He asked to make sure and Tino shook his head.

"Oh heaven's no. I'm lucky I can count. Hattie taught me to count to a hundred. But she can't read either so none of us learned growing up. Peter can already count too, and if I knew more so would he. He learns so fast. Do you like your breakfast? It's really one of the only things I know how to make. I'm sorry it's not more or better." Tino said and Berwald leaned over and kissed his cheek.

"It wonderful, delicious. Thank you for thinking about us." Berwald said and Peter grinned.

"Papa kissed Mama." He said with a giggle and Tino turned to smile at him.

"You just eat, you little stinker, or Mama will tickle you for being cheeky." Tino said with a wink and Peter laughed but ate without further commentary.

Berwald took that opportunity to tell Tino about his plans to head to the trading post that morning and Tino sighed.

"As much as I would love to go too, I think it's not a good idea. I can barely move still. I am getting better, but a long ride like that would probably not be a good thing." Tino said standing and going into the bedroom. He came back out holding the little bit of money he'd had with him and he handed it to Berwald.

"I don't know how much anything costs, but that will help some I think. It is three dollars, it's all I have." Tino said and Berwald pushed the money back across the table.

"And I won't take it either, Ti. Save it for a rainy day. I trade my furniture for what we'll need. The day I cannot get my family basic needs I will be stone dead." Berwald said firmly and Tino crumpled the bills in his fist. He looked upset.

"But Bear, you already do so much. We're already a burden, please just take it, it would make me feel better if you did." Tino said and Berwald sighed, stood, and walked to the bedroom. He came out with a pretty wooden box, set it on the table, and opened it. It contained quite a bit of money.

"This is the save box. I keep money I save here for when it really needed. Would you feel better if we keep yours in here too?" Berwald asked and Tino smiled and nodded and placed his meager amount of money inside with Berwald's savings. Berwald closed the lid and spun the small little combination lock to lock the money away safely.

"Thank you Bear." Tino said softly, and Berwald just took his hand and kissed his palm.

"You are welcome." Berwald said, knowing feeble pride when he saw it. It was important that Tino felt like he was contributing in some way. First with making the breakfast and then with his pitiful amount of money, it was all he could think of to feel useful and needed. It broke Berwald's heart that he felt he needed to earn his keep. Berwald had a long way to go before Tino felt he was home and felt like a member of a family and not an interloper. He had time to work on it, for now however time was not on their side, Berwald had to hitch up the wagon and load it before the morning got away from him.

He put the money box back under the bed, pulled his coat on and got Peter bundled up before he went outside to hitch up the wagon. Tino watched them from the window, feeling a little melancholy. He wanted to help but all he managed to do was upset Berwald without intention. He could tell from Berwald's eyes he wanted to take care of them, but Tino knew life was expensive and Berwald had had two people thrust upon him without warning.

Tino sighed; he was once again on a losing side of an argument. He felt like such a leech, always taking from someone else and never giving back in any meaningful way. Tino wondered if women ever felt this way. They were expected to go from father to husband and to be taken care of by both males without exception. Did they ever feel as useless as Tino felt? Then again, pregnancy had to count for something- it was no walk in the park and raising children wasn't easy. Tino knew that first hand, the former from watching Alice and countless others suffer, and the latter from doing it himself with Peter.

Perhaps that was the trade off and he just wasn't facing the problem from the right angle. There were certain facts he had to line up in the right order. Namely, while he technically was a man, he had little else other than a penis to prove otherwise. He held a typically female profession, his son called him Mama, he couldn't read or write, he'd never done any hard labor in his life either. No, he was certainly male in gender terms only, and that's where he was having difficulty. He was focusing only on things he could not do compared to other men, instead of things he could perform in comparison to no one else.

He could not cook a great variety of things, but the few things he was able to fix he did make well. He learned quickly, he could learn how to make new things easily enough if shown how once or twice. He was very handy with a needle for mending clothes; he'd made most of Peter's clothes from scratch using his own clothes and bits of discarded clothes from the others. He could clean; sometimes it felt like he was the only person who cleaned up back at the brothel. He liked order and cleanliness. The more Tino thought about it, the more he came to the realization he was raised to be a woman. It was what he knew. He'd been raised by women, lived with women, been treated like another woman all his life, so it was little wonder he knew little else. It was a sickening realization, really, but it was who he was and Berwald apparently loved him no less for it, so Tino made up his mind as he watched Berwald load the wagon with furniture out of a storage shed.

If Berwald and Peter loved him he didn't care what the rest of the world thought about him. He was happy here with them, he felt safe and secure and cared about, he didn't need anything else to make him happy. He did like to feel useful, however, and if he couldn't move heavy furniture or do manly things around the house then he could do typically womanly things. He could clean and cook and mend and take care of the two he loved in smaller, but no less meaningful, ways.

Cleaning was out of the question for the time being, his shoulder and mobility was an issue, but he could cook. Berwald and Peter had polished off his oatmeal, which was a good sign. Quickly, Tino had an idea and went to raid the cold cupboard. He sliced some bread and used what he could find to make sandwiches for the road. They'd be gone all day and the sandwiches would be nice to stave off hunger until dinner. Tino called for Peter who came to the door, and Tino handed him the basket.

"This is lunch for you and Papa. Careful not to spill it." Tino said, handing the tot the basket.

"Thanks Mama!" Peter chirped before skipping off to Berwald to give him the basket. "Mama said it's lunch for later." He said as Berwald took the basket. He hadn't thought about lunch, it was a good thing someone was thinking about grumbling stomachs for later. Berwald packed the basket under the seat and went to go thank Tino properly.

Tino was cleaning up the small mess he'd made in the kitchen when cold arms wrapped around his middle from behind and even colder lips kissed the back of his neck, giving him gooseflesh and the shivers.

"Thank you, I would have forgotten lunch, my good… wife." Berwald teased and got a slap in the arm for his effort.

"You're welcome and last I looked we are not married and I have a penis. Rather hard to be a wife, all things considered." Tino replied back and Berwald shrugged.

"Let us see then. You cook better than me, you remembered to pack a hamper for lunch, our son calls you Mama and me Papa, I love you and don't need piece of paper to prove it either. You draw a line and see what you come up with then." Berwald said warming his hands by the fire, a devilish glint of amusement in his eyes. Tino decided he'd play along with the game. He liked Berwald's hidden ornery nature, it was cute.

"Fine. I can't deny that logic. Go be the husband then and do whatever you are going to do today, on one condition. If you're serious about this, I get that piece of paper in the spring. I do need it for peace of mind." Tino said, and he watched Berwald's face drain of color and then flush as if he'd just promised Berwald the world on a silver platter.

He didn't say anything, just stepped forward and kissed Tino unlike he'd ever done before. It positively curled Tino's toes, fingers and hair, it was that good. His knees were weak before Berwald finished kissing him, and he only stopped when little four year old giggles could be heard from the front door.

"Papa is kissing Mama again! Papa loves Mama." Peter sing-songed, and Berwald smiled and gazed into Tino's eyes.

"That I do min son. That I do. I get you in front of justice of peace as soon as I can and get you that paper. I vow it. You make me very happy." Berwald said softly, and Tino fought happy tears.

"You make me happy too. Now go before I get misty. Try to be back by nightfall or else I'll worry myself sick." Tino said adjusting Peter's scarf and trying to hide his happy blush. Berwald kissed his temple as he picked Peter up.

"We will be back by supper time. Give Mama kiss goodbye." Berwald said and Peter kissed Tino happily.

"You tell Papa if you get too cold, honey." Tino said nervously adjusting Peter's scarf again, checking his mittens and being worrisome in general. Berwald smiled.

"I have many blankets I'm going to wrap him in; I keep him warm, Mama, I promise." Berwald said with a wink at Tino before heading out to the wagon. Tino watched as Berwald sat Peter beside him on the wagon's bench and took one of his belts, looping it around Peter and the back of the bench so he wouldn't slip off on a bumpy road. Berwald then wrapped one blanket around his shoulders and another draped over Peter's legs. He looked like a little caterpillar in a cocoon by the time Berwald was finished and had climbed into the driver's seat. Berwald held up a hand and waved goodbye to Tino before snapping the reigns and driving off west.

Tino shut the door. This was the very first time he'd ever let anyone take Peter anywhere, and he was frankly a nervous wreck. Not that he didn't trust Berwald to take care of their son, it was just anxiety in general. Tino figured the best cure for that would be to keep busy as much as his injuries would allow.

He rooted about Berwald's pantry and found things to fix for dinner. He even slipped on a spare pair of Berwald's boots. They were massive on his much smaller feet, making him chuckle as he scuffled outside to the smokehouse wrapped in a blanket. He found some beautiful looking smoked salmon he didn't have to reach up into the rafters to grab hold of with his good arm and wrestled it down and brought it inside.

He found some large disks of rye cracker bread, some capers, and cream cheese. They would all go well with the salmon for dinner but they were all cold items; he wanted something to warm his boys up when they got in from the cold. He decided to make a nice thick potato soup to add to dinner, as Berwald had plenty of potatoes in the pantry. Tino pulled out several nice big brutes and began to peel and clean them while the stove got hot.

He diced them and dumped them into a pot to boil before going through Berwald's spices. Some he had no idea what they were, but the ones he was looking for he found by sniffing and inspecting contents. Soon he had a nice creamy base all ready for the potatoes. Tino was thrilled at having milk at his disposal and he was happily drinking a glass as he used more to cook. "I'm going to kiss that cow! I think I will!" Tino said joyfully, wrapping up in a blanket again and borrowing Berwald's spare boots, he slipped and skidded his way to the barn.

There he found Agneta chewing some alfalfa sprouts and walked right over and planted a big kiss right on the end of her wet nose. "That is for being wonderful, my girl, and thank you for the milk." He said with a shiver. It was too cold to be outside being silly, so he hurried back to the house.

He finished a second glass of milk and a sandwich for lunch then curled up by the fire on the sofa, full and happy. He was in love with everything at the moment. He loved the cow, the chickens, the house, Berwald's too big boots, the fire, the glass of milk. The thought of this was his home and that he was welcome here the top of that list. He had a great big man, too, who loved him, he had a son who loved him, he had a puppy on his lap that also seemed to love him as she slept snug and warm beside him.

Then, in this blissful mood the enormity of it all washed over Tino. He was all but married, Berwald had not been joking if that kiss was anything to judge by, and Tino was positive it was. He had declared as much. "Oh my GOD! What was I thinking?" Tino asked the dog, since no one else was home and she just cracked open an eye and went back to sleep.

"Ivan is going to kill Berwald the second he gets a whiff of where we are!" Tino said, his blissful happiness turning to intense fear in a heartbeat. He had to take several deep breaths to calm down and think rationally.

Berwald was also a very large man, so in a fight it would be evenly matched, even if Tino did not want it coming to blows. Hattie was right, Ivan did not own him or Peter, they were not slaves and they had a right to leave if they wished. The law would protect Tino there in any case. Ivan would try to strong arm him to return, but could not legally keep him against his will. Tino just would have to grow a pair of balls and stand up to the man. He was not having Peter and he would never have Tino again.

"Just take it as it comes. It's all you can do." Tino said to himself, what Berwald had been saying for days. Let the problems come when they come and deal with them then. There was no point in fretting himself sick weeks ahead of time, there was nothing he could do now anyway. He had a future here, he had a chance to change, a chance to be truly happy, and damn Ivan if he thought of squashing that dream of happiness! He was not going to be afraid of Ivan any more, he was not going to let him rule his life and dictate what he did and when he did it.

He was a new man starting today! He was Tino, son of Tilda Väinämöinen a Finnish immigrant who had found herself on hard times that destroyed her before her son's fifth birthday. He had taken on those hard times and survived. He was surrogate mother to Peter and damn it, the future spouse of Berwald Oxenstierna! He was no one's property but his own! This was the life he was choosing, and damn Ivan to hell if he thought he was going to take this chance of happiness away. Tino was not going to allow that to happen, he was going to take the path that lead to family and joy and happiness and re-write all those horrible faerie tales that didn't include whores. He was going to prove them all wrong, he was going to be happy and damn anyone who objected.

The dog simply yawned at Tino's mental acrobatics and rolled over, offering her belly. Tino just smiled and complied, rubbing her belly, a new peace settling on his shoulders. One he was going to fight to keep.

To be Continued…

For NON-Farmers * Nesting Eggs are artificial or natural eggs placed in a nest to induce a bird to continue to lay eggs in that place. They are usually wooden; chickens are dumb they cannot tell the difference. :)

**A great big THANK YOU to my New Beta Reader "pocketfulofmumbles". You're super my dear!**