"And what can I tell you, my brother, my killer?
What can I possibly say?"

- Leonard Cohen, Famous Blue Raincoat

IYîYîYîYI

Secrets and Magic

Later that day Merlin and Arthur were alone again, Arthur looking over some reconstruction plans for the eastern wing of the castle and Merlin supposedly providing a second opinion. It wasn't really very important, so Merlin dared to bring up a more personal subject. "So," he said, "have you thought about what Leon said?"

"I don't want to think about it Merlin," Arthur replied without looking up from the papers. "Leave it alone."

"But you are thinking about it!" Merlin insisted. Arthur looked up.

"You never cease to amaze me, Merlin. I never knew you could read minds!"

"Very funny!"

"What do you want me to say, Merlin?" Arthur turned his hands up in defeat. "You heard my answer to Leon. There's nothing I can do. I know that Lancelot loves Guinevere. I also know he is the most honourable man I have ever met and would never go behind my back. So it doesn't matter how much Guinevere cares for him, even if she cares more for him than for me ..."

"No!"

"... because they are both better than that."

"You really think Gwen cares more for Lancelot than for you?"

"I told you to leave it, Merlin, didn't I?" Arthur picked up his papers again.

"She loves you!"

"I know she does."

Merlin watched Arthur as he bent over the plans and lists spread out on the table as if they were maps of enemy armies and not boring details about bricks and mortar. He kept quiet. After a couple of minutes Arthur looked up at him again.

"Merlin?"

"Yes?"

"Is something troubling you?"

Merlin stared wide eyed at him. This was an unexpected turn in the conversation.

"Is something troubling me? I'm worried about you being troubled!"

"It's not about this. It's ... you've just been ... you've been this way since before Leon started talking about rumours and high treason. You're so ... quiet, these days."

Merlin shook his head.

"I think you must have too much wax in your ears, Arthur. I talk all the time."

"You talk more than most people, that's for sure! I just ..." Arthur studied him for a while. "You don't smile as often anymore," he said quietly.

Merlin couldn't understand why his chest suddenly tightened.

IYîYîYîYI

The next day, Arthur asked Merlin to invite Lancelot for a private council. Merlin decided this meant he could invite himself as well. It usually did (even some of the times when Arthur insisted it didn't). Even so, he did try to make his presence less obtrusive by silently cleaning and sorting through papers in a corner. When Lancelot entered the room, Merlin could see Arthur's face light up. It only lasted for a split second.

"Lancelot."

"Sire."

"Please, Lancelot, in here it's Arthur."

"If you say so."

"I do. Sit down."

The two sat down at the table that had been in Arthur's old chambers. As Lancelot pulled the chair closer to the table he noticed Merlin. He nodded to him. Merlin returned the gesture with a slight smile. Arthur squirmed slightly in his seat.

"Lancelot. There's no real good way of saying this, so I'll just ... I'll just say it. Leon came to me yesterday. He was worried that there might soon be rumours going around about you and Gwen."

Lancelot stared at the King.

"Sire?"

"Don't play coy with me Lancelot, you know what he meant."

Lancelot stood up. The chair screeched against the floor.

"Sire, I would swear to you on my parents' grave that neither I nor Guinevere would ever ..."

"... do anything like that, but you don't need to swear it because you know that I already know it. I know it, Lancelot. But you don't need to be having an actual affair for there to be rumours. Oh, don't look so offended, man! You're just not very good at hiding that you love each other."

"Sire ..."

"No," Arthur interrupted again. He got up and walked over to the window, looking out as he continued: "Don't try to deny it, Lancelot. Not to me. I will not have lies and secrets in my court. Look where it took my father and Morgana. Lies and secrets and magic. Spreading through the court like poison. It's the one thing I won't stand."

Lancelot looked at Merlin. The pity was so clearly visible in his face that Merlin had to look down. He couldn't understand why there was suddenly a lump in his throat and something burning under his eyelids. Arthur stood with his back to both of them, oblivious.

"I won't have secrets between us. So I won't say that it doesn't kill me, the feeling that maybe one day, if I prove myself unworthy I will lose her to you. But at least I will have lost her to a good man." Merlin could hear that the King was close to tears himself, if he wasn't already crying. "You just need to know that if that day comes neither of you can ever return to Camelot."

"My Lord," said Lancelot, slowly and steadily, "It is true that I love Guinevere. But sire, I would rather tear my own heart out of my chest than ever betray you or Camelot."

Arthur turned down his head. He wasn't even shaking, but Merlin was sure he was crying now. The three of them standing in the room, no one able to look the others in the eye, each man miserable for his own reasons. They were so pitiful that if it wasn't for the tears threatening to fall down his own cheeks Merlin would have laughed.

"You can go now," Arthur said, and Lancelot left the room quietly.