Lighter on.

*click*

Lighter off.

*click*

Lighter on.

*click*

Lighter off.

*click*

Lighter on…

He breathed, not even blinking, his eyes used to constant light that fell on his face once he switched on and off the little square sized present from Third Hokage who was fond of pipes and always had time to smoke one. This gift was considered as a gentle warning about his duties of being polite and being always prepared for everything as he, never lighting a cigarette in his life, hadn't got even matches with himself for the third time Hokage asked for light.

After that Tsuchikage presented him a pack of cigars, it being more of a mockery of his young age on such a high stool and another symbolic warning that the village hidden in the Sand counted very little. He could be the Kazekage, but his lack of knowledge and possibilities were putting him in something of half of a rank between old and experienced kages. That day Daichi felt he had to do something for Suna and lift it up from the comafied life, being at the edge of war with everyone and having little to no funds for military. It was day when his downhill started, even if he had to wait for consequences many years later. Was it cursed or blessed date? He didn't know. But he knew he couldn't rewind the time. He flicked the lighter off.

He couldn't sleep. His body wanted it, needed after such an evening, asking him for a rest after rare state of drunkenness and quite sudden shock of soberness – but he couldn't allow it. For the first time from so long he feared to close his eyes to see something he had long forgotten to remember. And he knew that If he did, that if he only closed his eyelids for mere seconds it would be there, waiting for him like the most hideous scorpion, like the most sneaky snake of those dry lands, waiting to poison him and he'd embrace it and fall onto it and there would be no running, no escape. He'd fall and he'd break and in the morning he'd still be fallen and even if he would get up he would not rise from ashes. No, not this again…

The blonde sandpapery hair that mingled between his fingers and shone like pieces of rare platinum gold that those lands never saw and never intended to saw beside the little ring on the finger of the one he chose. They shone and she looked at him, her eyes turquoise and greenish, her body pale but only that olivine kind of pale that was considered light among the desert people who always turned orange, red, brown, black. Her light pinkish lips that laughed at him as he held her and kissed her, the light cheery laughter and white sheet that engulfed her, him, them both, covering and uncovering, letting him hold and touch, kiss and explore, look and eat with both of his hands. It smelled of wild desert roses and sandalwood, the shampoo she used and the soap they used both and it was fresh and innocent, just as stolen kisses and hugs that was made between them. He loved. He loved.

But then the crescendo halted for one special moment and instead of choir he heard single pair of violin and a bow that rushed into a crazy dance of music he couldn't even hum but he would recognize everywhere, exactly everywhere. It changed and everything changed, the freshness started to waver and became sticky and lukewarm, the arms which held him were growing more desperate, more needy, the body's temperature grew, making him more and more warm until he couldn't breathe and she smiled, smiled at him, not like her but like a witch, like a medusa that caught him in her arms and never let go and he gave in and tore the white sheets and licked the ugly, knowing smile. She knew she had won and he lusted. He lusted.

But then the violin mixed up with something else, played irregularly, like if it broke, like if it wasn't violin at all and he couldn't see and couldn't breathe but for some odd reason he knew, he knew that something was changing again and he saw that her shoulders were tensed up and that her hair shone more and that her smile grew more gentle but more alluring and she finally held onto him just like he held onto her and just when he landed a calming kiss on her lips there was something odd and something scary in her eyes as she looked at him and they were blue, blue, pristine, sapphire blue!...

And he couldn't get up and he couldn't get out because it was too late, because he was already tangled and wanton and he could only give in more or give in more and he knew that he didn't want to run anyway because it was what he really wanted through all this heat and broken music and he let go of himself, and felt so good to finally be loved. Be loved. And he felt so happy, and he felt too happy and he felt it too much and he felt looked up and there was no her anymore, it was, there was- He moaned and woke up screaming.

A nightmare. He fell asleep.

He fell freaking asleep! He gasped for air and caught the lighter, flicking it on

*click*

-he threw it to the other side of the room, sweating, gasping for air, shaken… No, not this again! This has ended ages ago! Damned monster!-

It ended! Ended ages ago! He knew it ended. He knew! He could prove it!... Without a word he got up and ran out of the room, nearly tripping on his sandals and catching himself on the wooden walls, getting to the first room-

Kankuro slept. Good. He ran to another room. Temari slept. Better. He closed the door. And ran again. Gaara was in. Looked like haunted, the walls smelled of blood and rotten insides. Not good. But not bad. He closed the door and locked them on key. He knew the boy wouldn't open them without his permission. He ran down the stairs.

Ah, there he was. Laying on the table, with bottle of cheap gin and slurred something through his sleep, waking up as he clicked the lights on and rummaged through drawers.

'What's happened?...-' he murmured as he threw the package of white powder into the half empty glass and threw it under his nose '-age-sama?...'

'Drink it.'

'But…'

'Drink it!' he howled, pushing it onto him, almost spilling all on his blouse. The blond looked at him warily, then drank it obediently. After half of a minute his head banged on the surface of the table, unconscious, comafied. Damned brother-in-law. Always required more effort than everyone else. He took out the oiled lamp and lighted it on and ran up to his office.

There, there, there, the object of his insanity, the proof, the godsdamned reason of it all!...

He threw out all remnants of his perfectly clean closet, making the tightly rolled scrolls open and tear, segregated books fall everywhere and checked papers mix with unchecked ones, let them scrunch and get dirtied on the floor as he walked on them, opening drawer after drawer, taking key after key, opening one shelf with one key, taking out another, making seal, opening invisible locks, sealing them, unsealing another hidden shelves and hidings. All until he reached the biggest of them all, the glassed square hiding in where he had to cut his own hands to put them in until they froze, they burned and melted as he made seal after seal, one after another, seeing how his hands slowly tore of the skin and burned by ice and fire, slowly eating them higher and higher, engulfing his elbows, reaching his arms, getting to head-

Final seal. The fire died out. The ice vanished. But the wounds were real, but he didn't see them, wouldn't want to see them, ignored them as he took out what the cabinet was hiding and closed the cursed cave. The sound of it closing ran through the whole house – or maybe was it his head only – like a shot from the pistol, but it triggered him to action as he broke and opened the it, the thing, the object-

The sealing scroll.

It rolled on the floor over the other papers and books like a map, it was that big. And even if it was so old it remembered the ages of first ancestors of Suna, it was not crunched, not dirtied, besides the yellowish paper – almost looking like new. No wonders since it was used only four times in its all existence. First, to seal off the Shukaku, second to experiment on human and fail. Then experiment and succeed. He opened the light notebook that he took out with it. When I woke up, I knew I could never go to sleep again… He closed it. No, not this, not yet… Fourth time. To succeed. And to last. The third usage of the scroll was his own doing. He remembered it like today. He remembered, he knew it – he had proof. The story of his life.

The light of lamp shone orangeish on first letters, the beginning words of ancient formula. It almost looked like beginning of witchcraft, a spell, it was so old, so mysterious…

'Daichi! Daichi, I have good news for you! I'm pregnant!'

'What?'

'Why are you looking at me like that? Aren't you happy?...'

The letters shone in the fire like if they were magical, fresh, just written. The ink glistened, twinkled, allured him and smiled at him like if it wanted to make him say it, murmur the words it showed and he caught himself on almost-almost murmuring the first part of incantation. 'Oh, great gods of the desert that lived through time and space, listen to our prayer, we call you…'

'Daichi… Daichi, how would you like to name our baby?'

'What? I don't know, maybe Sunako or Kazuhiko, I don't know…'

'What about Daiki?'

'Daiki? But that's a boy's name!'

'Of course it's a boy's name. It will be a boy, Chiyo saw it.' He looked at her as she smiled at him, pink, happy and timid, always like her and she looked so beautiful he had no heart to do anything else but grunt something unintelligible. And she felt instinctively, as she always felt it was no good, no good at all that it was a boy and that something bad has happened again.

'I wanted Daiki, because it means 'great noble' and is written like yours…' she said as she scurried away from his room hurriedly. He looked after her with frown on his face. A boy!... His third unwanted child will be a boy!...

He moved the lamp and the light shone lower, looking at the fine line of drawings. First part of hand seals.

They weren't hard, not much – comparing to another part of the text after all. Average jounin would have problems with doing them right and doing them as quick as it was needed. He knew that and he remembered as he mastered them, day after day, seal after seal. He remembered as he mastered them – and he remembered as he showed them to her.

'Isn't that a great idea, Karura? Isn't it?'

She sat before him, calm and timid as always – only her eyes looked at him with frown and with something close to curiosity, but curiosity she was obliged – not wanted to dwell on at all. That annoyed him a bit.

'So you say you want to put a great sand god Shukaku…' she said slowly, like if she couldn't proceed the news completely '…into our unborn baby son?'

He nodded, smiling at her and turned to look at the beautiful midday of the spring time of Suna lands. It was a beautiful, heated but serene day.

'Of course, think about it! He, as second and the youngest son has no rights to anything and if he won't be talented he will suffer for whole his life and neither you and I would want that-'

- besides, this would get our beautiful village up in the ranks of our prestige, if it won't happen we will die under this sun with no help-

'And me? What will happen to me, Daichi?'

He turned to her, not understanding why did she stop him in the middle of such important explaining. She looked at him with eyes full of fear, almost like a doe that was standing dead struck before running truck.

'Don't be selfish, Karura. It's for the sake of our village!' he said and turned around to look at the beautiful day. He heard rustling.

'Daichi…'

He turned around. Tears rolled down on her face as she just changed the angle of her view in front of her, but hasn't changed anything else in her mimic. Maybe her fingers curled the material of her dress a little tighter.

'Daichi, what are you talking about, what about kids?… don't you love me at all, Daichi?...'

He looked back at the window again and shrugged.

'The village is all that matters to me. I am the Kazekage.'

She ran out of the room. The sun still shone and made a damn beautiful day.

The lamp wavered. The hand seals have ended. There was an ancient drawing of blue lines showing around golden points that were supposed to illustrate what would happen at this point of the incantation. It twinkled at him with shining ink and the flame of the lamp wavered again. Window. He had to close the window. He got up and closed it and came back to the scroll again. Who would have known that all of them would make it to the part where more than four people had to lend chakra to make a monsterman…

The door of his office banged open. No, not opened. Banged open. He looked at the intruder with polite curiosity and smiled to himself ironically. But of course. Who would she ran off to if not to him? In the door stood Yashamaru. She stood behind him, all in tears, trembling. The man, usually gentle and harmful like a newborn cat looked at him with furious glare, his light eyes darkened from rage.

'I heard what you wanted to do! And I will not allow it!' he shouted and entered the office. He smiled and offered him a chair, looking at Karura indifferently.

'Women not allowed.'

He said and she went out as all women had to listen to their husbands. Minato always found it ridiculous but that was how it all worked and it worked then. Yashamaru didn't want to sit down at first.

After two hours of talking and recreating the idea, his rage smoothened out, vanished, changed into trust. He sat down finally. He talked more.

'And what about Karura?' he asked after some time, looking at his with a light, light frown 'Wouldn't it be dangerous for her at such state?'

'There's always a danger.' he said then 'But she is my wife and you know me – I would always look up to her and if anything would show that she is in danger, I would stop the whole thing.'

And it was the first lie he uttered. Because even if they developed new jutsus and new possibilities, there was no way of stopping it once started. Even if it would cost somebody's life. Yashamaru nodded, convinced. He nodded back, letting him go.

The blond came out and said something to Karura, smiled at her and rubbed her arms and went away. She stood there, looking at the wall like a wooden doll and then she looked at him, fear clearly written on her face. He looked back, not saying anything. He didn't have to. She was alone and she knew it. Wife of Kazekage had no rights at all.

The scroll moved as he rolled it down, showing more of text and another part of seals, then another drawing of proceeding Shukaku. Now it was more recognizable, had more swirling blue prints and this ugly, ugly smile he'd never forget – the same that chased Gaara every day. He swallowed the saliva in his a little dried up and a little tightened mouth and looked down more. The scroll was big. Just like Karura's fear.

At first she fell silent. It wasn't very obvious as she always was a quiet person, but he saw it as he lived with her. Then she started constantly crying here and there, while looking at the calendar. She started packing and unpacking things, plates started to fell out of her hands and all in all she just put herself in miserable position. Only three years old Temari started coming to him and asking him why was she sad and where he was taking her as 'mommy said he was taking her away' and Kankuro, being only a small baby started getting nervous and cried a lot more. It lasted for a few days until, for the first time since he knew her, he shouted at her to put herself together.

And she did, shocked, even if she cried even more, saying he was cruel and a bastard and he had no heart at all because all that counted to him was the village and that godsdamned-

The light wavered. Ah yes, third incantation of hand seals.

…but she did put herself together. She smiled and cleaned like before, she took care of herself and didn't mention that again. Only she spent more and more time with kids, talking to them nonstop, like if she wanted to talk herself out for the nearest months. And knowing her situation – she probably did. After all days spent at singing needless lullabies to Kankuro who was fed up with them as sometimes she just sang them whole night long and teaching Temari stuff that mothers taught grown up girls she just was so tired she didn't have time for him. Not that she wanted to touch him at all. After the incident with Yashamaru she just closed herself for him.

.She allowed kisses and hugs and laughed when he laughed but it was all fake as her eyes never did and watched him with something akin to fear and plea. But he was too blinded, to riled up with what he was supposed to do. He had little time as he started doing it and had to learn about massive amount of seals and incantations in such short period of time, before his son would be born. Nothing mattered. Only the sealing scroll.

He moved the lamp down and watched it, skipping the larger parts, unrolling it and rolling, until he reached the end. The scroll was long and harsh and people needed years to read it, years to learn it, half of life to repeat it, the rest to deal with the fact they could do only that and were useless beside it. And he did it in few months, studying it day and night, until he knew it like the back of his hand. It was Minato's fault, really – he always said that nobody should give up and reach for dreams and he believed him – even then – and reached for his dream come true that was supposed to bring prestige and peace to them all. He reached for it…

The day before the final happening he lied in bed, tired and drained, regaining his strength and wondering, remembering, repeating. Four medical ninjas were pumping him up to be in the best state for a fight and as later it came out – they did well. Karura spent the whole day with kids, playing with Temari, ending the last parts of wedding dress for a figure that didn't exist yet and then she held onto Kankuro, telling him strange things, like (as ANBU officer told him later) to not be like his father and be gentle and to love her sister and to not forget his mommy…

Kankuro, being only little didn't understand all of that, but as Karura kept talking he sensed something was wrong and he cried, making Temari cry as well, but even that didn't stop her from talking all she wanted to them and the choir lasted until he came to the room and demanded silence. Cries were interrupting his resting.

After she finally let go of the kids (though she insisted on sleeping with them he made her come to their bed and to stay in there as a good wife should) she dressed up in her best gown and just sat at the edge of bed, not looking at him, hunched, curling around the big bubble of a stomach she carried. 'Daichi…' she spoke in soft, tired tone that she gained from crying 'What would you do if it were a girl?...'

'I'd raise her to be good and strong and let he marry whomever she wanted as she would have no value at all.' he said, not even opening his eyes. She looked at him.

'Can't we do that the same with him?'

He opened his eyes, looking at her. She seemed to be in hopeless state of resign, her face still pink from crying.

'Why would I want to do that, when I can give him a world.' he said and closed his eyes 'I'm a loving parent, unlike you.'

Next questions never came, even if he expected them. Soon the lamp was turned off and she lied in the bed on the very verge of it, massaging her stomach and humming another lullaby. 'Twinkle, twinkle little star…'

Stars. He caught himself, looking at the window instead at scroll, but let go of it as he knew there was nothing left to look at the ancient paper. The sky was impossibly clear, but not many stars came out. No wonder, he was in the centre of the town and nothing compared with the night under the shining masses of mica thrown at the sky in the middle of lonesome sands. He opened the door with one hand, taking the lamp with him and looking at his own people from the observation point. Probably Minato saw it too. And he probably found it more interesting as in Konoha the sky was almost too dark and too blue. He could never get accustomed to how pale was the night above other countries in comparison to his own. Then the night was full of stars too…

It started normally, they ate the breakfast which she made (for the last time), they talked about somethings and nothings (for the last time) and she wore the most beautiful dress he bought her during their honeymoon (and that was the last time for her to wear that too). Kids were taken away after she kissed them goodbye (Kankuro didn't protest as he was too sleepy at that point of the day, but Temari seemed to be confused about the atmosphere of it all and kept making the goodbyes longer and longer until he shooed her away) and he let her see the house – for the last time. He washed his hands and came out to the prepared room, greeting people along with Elder Chiyo who was supposed to play grand role in the whole act.

They opened the scroll and checked the seals made on earth again to not miss any mistake and it seemed that all was well. Then they waited. And waited. And waited for her. Until the guard that was supposed to bring her didn't bargain in the place and announce she ran away.

He mobilized half of the town to move and search for her, as he knew that if she got away now she'd probably not show up again before she'd give birth and then there was no chance of doing the ritual. There was also a risk of her going somewhere where they could make her infertile and then all chances would be lost. He could assassinate her after that but he could not get married again and what was the point of it, really? Karura was a good wife so far. There was no point in uglify what was beautiful for the sake of making it more bloody. Absolutely.

But the search didn't take as long as he expected. After three hours of pointless searching he pondered about sending the ninjas off the borders to look around the desert and look through the old buildings and any possible hidings done for emergency. He shared his thoughts with Yashamaru who seemed to be more than worried for her as she was his sister – I seemed to be the perfect person to talk about his worries at that moment.

He smiled. He remembered very well how it went. How could he not?

'I don't understand why did she do it.' He said then 'Doesn't she think about our village at all?'

'I doubt it.' said Yashamaru opening the bottle of cheap gin he bought for himself for this special occasion. For nerves, for party. His first alcohol in his whole life 'But you know her. She always thinks about safety first. Probably got scared by the whole situation…'

'But doesn't she get it where she puts me by doing it? It's a shame that Kazekage's wife is such a coward. I'm supposed to be a pillar of those people and she is supposed to be first to believe in me, Yashamaru.'

He looked at him as he poured himself the first glass

'I said I would do everything for her I could and I was going to kept my promise. She broke hers.'

The blond looked at him, then he slowly closed the lid of the bottle. He looked back, sensing that Yashamaru wanted something from him, reading from his eyes things he thought he saw there or maybe just wanted to see – and smiled at him.

'Have you heard that, Karura? I don't know about you, but I think only stupid wouldn't believe into what he just said.' he frowned, looking at the blond. Yashamaru slowly let go of the bottle and came to his closet, opening it. 'Come on, get out. As you heard, there is nothing to be afraid of.'

'Yashamaru!...' And there she was. Wearing the plain, common clothes of a poor which covered her big belly with Kankuro in her hands and eyes yet once again full of fear. He stood up from the chair.

Somehow, in the whole chaos, he missed the fact that Kankuro was missing too. And she probably fed him something nasty as he didn't cry at all, just laid there and slept in the whole mess full of screaming and running. For some unknown reason he felt hot, white, burning a n g e r.

'What the hell are you doing?' he screamed, getting close to her and practically tearing the baby away from her hands 'You wanted to take him away on the desert? What were you thinking, did you want to kill him? Guards! Guards!'

'Better with me than with you!' she shouted at him, desperately trying to get him back to her hands. Kankuro didn't even wake up. 'You've gone crazy, you want to kill me for some stupid ideas you've got put into your ambitious head of yours!-'

He got away from her, pushing her back as the guards ran into the room. She looked at him, seeing that Kankuro was beyond her reach she turned around and leapt to the blond who just stood there with the full glass in his hand.

'Yashamaru!...' she shouted, clutching at his clothes, making him budge and spill the alcohol 'Yashamaru, help me!... Don't let him do it, he's gone mad! Don't let him kill me, I beg you!...'

He looked at her with a slight frown, but then he smiled at her and rubbed her arms like he always did.

'Nonsense, Karura. Daichi said it's a completely safe operation and you won't even feel it that much. Isn't that right, Daichi?' he looked at him, but didn't even wait for him to nod or protest 'You will see, tomorrow in the morning you will be holding a cute little baby in your arms and we will all be laughing from that. Have faith, sister.'

She looked at him, obviously petrified. He nodded at guards and they took her by arms, taking her away by force. She fought, but what could she do, being alone against at least ten strong ninjas? She didn't even end the academy with good grades…

'How can you say that, Yashamaru? How can you do that to me?' she shouted. The blond just smiled at her, drinking up from the glass 'You're allowing him to kill me! Yashamaru, you're sending your own sister to death! Don't stand like that, do something, I beg you, Yashamaru, Yashamaru!...'

She screamed and cried for the whole way down from his room, calling him and begging for help anyone they passed. He gave off the Kankuro to the closest ninja, ordering him to detoxicate the child and got to the ritual room. Then she calmed down. But t was only for a moment as they restrained her and positioned in the right places.

Then she started screaming again. And she never really stopped through the whole act – she cursed him, his past and future, mentioned everything she could – beginning from happy moments to sad, from sex to food and cursed it all to seven hells and more. Then, as the ritual emerged, she started cursing everyone she could think of – her acquaintances, his acquaintances, their enemies and allies, people she barely knew and people he mentioned to her after meetings until she has ended cursing the whole village altogether. He remembered hearing names from other villages like Kushina or Minato or sons of Tsuchikage she met only once – but he was sure that she never mentioned two sole names – Temari's and Kankuro's.

Maybe because she was whom she was or maybe because she simply couldn't do it since the sand interrupted her talking and just made her scream as it- He closed his eyes. He saw blood and he saw corpses in his life, he knew some that had not ended well, he knew how harsh the life could get. Yet, he knew that no one deserved to die that way. No one. And yet, he inflicted it on her himself. And when everything was done and he held the baby that was tiny like a little doll and yet it smiled at him like a monster he moved to the corpse that looked like if it was tore in half, wanting to close her eyes only to notice she was looking at him. And that she was still breathing. He lost his voice.

The others didn't notice until she held up a hand, pointing it at him and the baby he held in his arms and held their breaths. Impossible was possible – the cursed sacrifice, the corpse of a torn woman was still alive – even if the sand demon was still devouring all the parts slowly, from the outside. It didn't seem to faze her though.

'Gaara.' She said quietly, piercing them with her eyes, but for some reason he doubted she even saw him 'The one who loves only himself and lives only for himself, I curse you too…' she muttered, then she smiled at him, gracing him with one last glance '…I hope you will be the first one who would fall at his hands.'

With those words she fell and the sand devoured her, not leaving even bones. New nightmare began.

It's name was 'Gaara' and from now on he was the ruler of the village who dethronized him from his position. Everything was done under his moods and wants. He learned to not sleep at night, kids learned to not be kids anymore and Yashamaru stopped calling him 'Daichi' and started sleeping at the table with endless bottles of the same cheap gin as that memorable night.

And he had proof of it. He had proof of it – the scroll of a seal lied scattered carelessly on the floor among the other papers like if it meant nothing more than toilet paper. It was the story of his life, his beginning and his end. He made the village rise and shine but then his success ate him from inside and he was not the same anymore. And life in academy? Missions under Jiraiya-sensei? Other dreams and hopes? They belonged to someone else, someone whom he was ages ago. Someone – whom he was not anymore.

'You hear me, Minato?'

The wind blew and made the light waver, putting it out, leaving a line of grey smoke going up in this chilly desert night.

'Maybe you will be satisfied with months but to me eternity sounds too little as all I wanted had been long gone in the past…' So there was no rights and no reason to dream the forgotten dreams and sing the forgotten songs. He shouldn't and wouldn't be afraid of himself because he had nothing to be protected from as the threat ceased to exist ages ago. And yet…

He spent the rest of the night awake.