Chapter Seven
The Millennium Falcon was en route to Dathomir and would arrive in the system within two standard days. Corran planned to use that time wisely so two of the ship's occupants wouldn't get either one of themselves killed down there.
"I think Cighal's original diagnosis of just letting this thing run its course is probably not the best thing for either of you," Corran said to Anakin and Tahiri. "It seems that things are getting worse, not better."
Anakin's eyes narrowed. "You've been talking to Jacen."
The hostility in his voice rang clear. Corran was well aware of the growing rift between the Solo brothers but left that alone. That was something the two of them had to work out amongst themselves. "He's worried about the both of you. Can't say I blame him after recent events."
"We had it under control," Anakin insisted.
"Did you?"
"No, we didn't," Tahiri spoke up. She looked at Anakin. "I was controlling you – your actions."
"You may have influenced me – "
"Anakin, you spoke Yuuzhan Vong! Even if you ignore everything else, how do you explain that? If Jacen hadn't stopped you, you would have killed those guards because of me – because of what I am." The last words were barely above a whisper and even with Jedi hearing Corran and Anakin had to strain to hear them.
They stared at each other for several moments, seemingly having a private conversation then that Corran wasn't privy to. It ended with Tahiri looking away from Anakin, clearly upset, and Anakin apparently at a loss for what else to say to her.
Corran lightly cleared his throat, drawing their attention back to him. "The bond you two have is your greatest strength, but it's also your greatest weakness. Let me explain," he added quickly holding up a hand as he sensed they were both about to interrupt him. "It's undeniable the two of you are stronger together. You can communicate on a level that most Jedi Masters will never achieve. Since Tahiri saved your life on Myrkr that connection seems to have deepened. It's like an open valve that neither one of you is able to shut off. If nothing else you both must feel that things are different. That everything you experience is magnified and what may seem like your own actions at times is not – though not intentionally. I'm only guessing here but I assume its had more of a pronounced effect on Anakin because Tahiri has two very distinct and strong personalities as a result of her shaping."
Corran watched as the two teenagers digested his explanation of what was happening to them. In the years he had known them this was probably the quietest he'd ever seen the two of them when they were together. He took that as a good sign. If they recognized the seriousness of their current situation they would be more likely to think twice about doing something and consider the consequences it would have for the other.
"How do we make it stop?" Tahiri asked.
"It's not about stopping it. It's about mastering control over this added connection you have so it doesn't control you like it has been." It didn't surprise Corran that his apprentice seemed to be the most concerned of the two. Her guilt over the Harterra incident coupled with her own fears about her Yuuzhan Vong half came through the Force like a beacon. He fully intended to keep his earlier promise to help her with that, but before he could do that she and Anakin needed to dampen their link.
"There are some more advanced mediation techniques I'd like you both to try out to start. When you are at your most calm is when you will be able to realize what separates your existence from the other and prevent any over arching influence. At the same time, you'll learn how to channel that connection like on Myrkr so you can use it to your advantage when you need it. If this works, it should also get us around that nagging problem where you can't be separated."
They both seemed to agree to his suggestion, something that had rarely happened in the past.
Young and impulsive Tahiri and Anakin both were but they would never do anything if it meant it would purposely endanger the other. In the two days it would take to reach Dathomir, Corran would do everything he could do help them.
[*[*[*[*[*[
Her obvious distaste of Hapan politics, the constant backstabbing of family members and repeated assassination attempts were some of the more obvious reasons why Tenal Ka had chosen to pursue her mother's heritage whenever she could. Dathomirian warriors were proud, fiercely loyal, physically strong and always in control of their emotions. The temptation for the dark side was still great for her mother's people, which was why having control over one's emotions – as opposed to the other way around – was always of paramount importance.
Mastery over her emotions was something Tenal Ka had learned at a young age and continued to work at during her early teen years whenever she requested to spend time on Dathomir with her grandmother. She was sure Ta'a Chume would have banned those visits if she had been able to. Tenal Ka's requests to visit Dathomir were sometimes just to spite Ta'Chume.
She felt she had lost some of that emotional control during her Jedi training at the Academy on Yavin Four, only to regain it again after leaving the Academy and returning to Hapes, where she was pushed into nonsense politics because it was her birthright. Her birthright... that was an issue to dwell on another day. Tenal Ka shook herself mentally. She could not afford another distraction right now otherwise her opponent might get the upper hand. Her opponent, was the source of her distraction – or at least related to it.
Tenal Ka easily blocked the jabs and punches Danni Quee threw her way. When she went on the offensive Tenal Ka held herself back, knowing she could easily overpower the scientist if she wanted.
"I've seen you fight," Danni panted. "You don't have to go easy on me."
"Then you would be wise to keep your guard up," Tenal Ka returned.
She could feel uneasiness coming from Jacen who was watching close by. He was to blame for her distracted state of mind in the first place. He had to pick that particular moment to walk by the Song of War's training facility with Danni, who decided that since she had very limited Jedi training thought it would be useful to be trained in hand-to-hand combat. And that was how her morning workout had got her into this current predicament.
The warrior girl landed a few clean blows – first with her foot against Danni's outer thigh and then to her rib cage. Again, she had held back – if not, Danni would be in the med bay right now. Though she would not have felt any guilt if that had happened.
While the New Republic had provided ships for the mission to Dathomir, they had also provided teams of scientists in addition to the military personnel. Since the Yuuzhan Vong had a habit of terraforming planets or using other bio weapons on the surface, scientists were becoming commonplace on military vessels. Danni Quee's team had been assigned to Tenal Ka's flagship so she could brief the Hapan Royal Navy on what to expect if they needed to engage the invading aliens in either a ground or space assault.
Sighing inwardly, she advanced on Danni once more, intending to finish things. It was an insult to play with an inferior opponent rather than go for the kill and quickly finish them off. Finish off Danni she did. Tenal Ka ducked below one of Danni's swings intended for her head. While the scientist's momentum carried her forward, Tenal Ka struck out with her right leg, sweeping Danni off her feet. The scientist fell flat on her back, the wind knocked out of her.
Fighting to keep any measure of satisfaction from showing up in her features, Tenal Ka offered the older woman a hand getting up.
"Thanks," Danni wheezed.
"With practice, you'll become better," Tenal Ka told her.
"Maybe, but I doubt I'll ever be able to beat you."
"I don't think I'll ever be able to beat her either," Jacen chimed in, joining the two of them on the mat. "You should have seen what she used to do to me when we at my Uncle's academy together," he said, smiling fondly at some memory.
"I will leave you both now." She inclined her head to both Jacen and Danni before walking away, ignoring the conversation that had started up between the two. She had no reason to care what they were talking about.
Much to her surprise, she felt Jacen fall into step beside her shortly thereafter.
"You're not doing Danni any favors by going easy on her."
"Would you have preferred I landed her with an extended stay in the medical center?"
Jacen gently grabbed her arm, forcing her to stop walking and look at him. "You're angry with me," he stated, the look on his face a confused one.
"It is not you who I am angry with." She was mainly angry with herself for letting her feelings for him control her this way. They had danced around the subject so many times she was starting to wonder if there really was even a chance for something more to develop between them. Every time she thought Jacen would admit his feelings something seemed to prevent him from doing so. Of course, he wasn't the only one to blame. She wasn't any better.
"Tenal Ka, talk to me," Jacen said, a slight pleading in his voice.
"All we have done is talk and it has gotten us nowhere." Before she could stop herself, Tenal Ka felt all her pent up frustrations escape with her next words. "Once the people of Dathomir are safe, I am to return to Hapes and become the next Queen Mother. That means I will have to put my people first and put being a Jedi behind me. You already know all of this and yet you have said nothing to me about how you feel knowing your duties and mine will likely keep us apart for a very long time. As your best friend, what am I supposed to think?"
Brandy brown eyes sought out her cool grey ones. "I haven't said anything because there's nothing I can say that won't come out sounding selfish."
"Maybe that is what I wished to hear."
Jacen raked his fingers through his hair and looked away from her. "Just because I haven't said anything doesn't mean I don't feel anything."
At that moment she felt him slowly take down the barriers to the connection they shared. A connection that had once been an extremely strong bond while at the Academy together but had lessened in the years they spent apart afterward. When she felt the last of Jacen's mental barriers slip away, she stumbled a bit at the intensity of the emotions and memories surrounding her. She felt his elation and nostalgia at seeing her on Dathomir for the first time in nearly two years. His ever growing concern for her safety during the Myrkr mission. He took her back further through his memories –clinging together to survive on Ryloth, vain attempts to make her laugh at his ridiculous jokes and how he had felt when she had kissed him for the first time on Yavin Four shortly before they had parted ways.
For the first time in her life Tenal Ka was speechless. She had never felt anything like that before and wondered briefly if this was what it was like between Anakin and Tahiri. The connection she felt to Jacen now was stronger than ever before. It wasn't just in her mind but in her heart as well. It wasn't long before she felt Jacen gently pull back on his mental reigns. The feelings were still there but much less intense now.
"I don't want us to part ways after this mission," Jacen said, almost unnecessarily after what he had just shared with her.
"I do not wish to leave you either." She stopped short of adding in or our friends. She no longer wanted to pretend it wasn't about him. If he died tomorrow, she would have too many regrets. She no longer wished to live pretending that Jacen Solo wasn't the man who owned her heart.
The crimson colour that appeared on Jacen's cheeks matched her own. Never before had either one of them left themselves so open, so vulnerable to each other where their feelings were concerned.
She had all but given up on the thought that their friendship would blossom into something more. But after what Jacen had just shared with her everything was there waiting for them to take the next step. Privately, it scared Tenal Ka. As much as she tried to deny it, she relied on Jacen deeply. When her mind drifted to Myrkr and what could have happened if he had not made it out alive, it crippled her. She did not want to think of a future that did not have Jacen in it. It was almost silly how it took a near suicide mission to cause them both to reevaluate their feelings in such a way.
And here they were again heading into a similar situation. They had no idea what they were walking into at Dathomir. As the other planets found on the villip had already been attacked it might already be too late for Dathomir. She tried to purge those negative thoughts from her mind.
Jacen, however, picked up on it. "The people of Dathomir are strong, Tenal Ka. If anyone is going to cause the Yuuzhan Vong trouble it's them."
"That is a fact."
What Jacen didn't voice – and what Tenal Ka feared it as well – was if the assault came from space the warriors of Dathormir would not stand a chance.
[*[*[*[*[*[
Rage and darkness surrounded Anakin. So much suffering for one person to deal with. But she yielded that pain like a weapon on her enemies – people who had once been friends, almost family. She dueled with his mother, wielding her lightsaber as if it were a battle to the death. Fueled by grief and regret she meant to strike a mortal blow –
Anakin was suddenly awake, disoriented by his change in surroundings. Someone was calling his name, the voice frightened. Eyes wild, he finally noticed Tahiri standing above him, her hands still on his shoulders from shaking him awake. Her panic at seeming him in such a state made him remember he was still on board the Millennium Falcon and not on Hapes as he had been in his dream.
He used their Force bond to collect himself, all the while feeling Tahiri's concerned eyes watching him closely.
"Anakin, what was that?"
"Just a nightmare."
"No, it was more than that," she said, not believing him for a second. "I felt – I saw – " She closed her eyes as if she were trying to piece together what he had just experienced. Her eyes flew open in horror. "I saw myself and I was fighting your mother."
Her confusion and anxiety hit Anakin in full force. He really wished the lessons Corran had been giving them would have started to take more of an effect. Though in his sleep state he doubted he would have been able to shield his mind from Tahiri's. He could barely do it while awake.
"I was older – different," she said, continuing to recall the details as if she had experienced the dream herself. "I don't understand. And don't tell me it was nothing," she snapped the moment Anakin's mouth opened. "You've been having dreams like this since we got back from Myrkr. I've been trying not to push you on them thinking you would talk to me when you were ready, but that felt too real – too detailed for me to buy some lame excuse about it being just another nightmare. You've had visions before about me going dark before – was this another one?"
The fear in her voice was obvious. He tried to reassure her through their Force bond but she brushed him aside. She didn't want to be comforted. She wanted answers.
Much like had had with Jacen, he proceeded to tell her about the visions he had been having since Myrkr. But this was the first time he had experienced a vision of a dark side Tahiri – and not as a mix of a Yuuzhan Vong warrior and Jedi as he had after her shaping – but as a true dark Jedi, driven that way because of grief and regret.
"I know you're the suffer in silence sort of guy but how could you keep all of this to yourself?"
"I didn't. I talked to Jacen when they first started happening. I didn't want to worry you over nothing."
He'd had a terrible time trying to brush off why he would get up in the middle of the night to see his brother, not to mention the one person he was constantly at ends with. Tahiri had been persistent to the point where it had almost started an argument between them upon his return. She seemed convinced he was planning some new suicidal mission and given his recent track record he supposed he couldn't blame her for thinking that. In the end she had only let it go because he had promised her it wasn't that. Although she knew he was telling the truth she was far from happy that he wouldn't confide in her about what it was, and now she was clearly hurt that he had gone to Jacen first instead of her.
"It's clearly not nothing, Dummy, if you went to talk to Jacen. It's also not the first time you've had visions."
"If they were really visions, why am I only having them when I'm asleep?" He argued.
Tahiri had no answer for that. She looked about as shaken as Anakin felt.
"This is why I didn't want to tell you. Tahiri, I'm fine," he insisted, grabbing her hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze. "It's probably just post-traumatic stress or something."
Tahiri appeared less than convinced. "Right. Post-traumatic stress is going to cause you to dream about your sister and girlfriend falling to the dark side? Why do you even bother trying to lie to me? You know I'm going to see right through it. And don't tell me not to worry when I can see you clearly are."
Anakin sighed. "Okay, maybe I'm a little worried," he admitted. "I don't know why I'm having them or what they mean but – "
"But what?" She pressed when he didn't finish.
He knew when he told her this it was only going to upset her more but she was right. It was a waste of energy to try and keep things from her. "The vision I had of you was much different than the previous one. The ones I've had in the past I think you ended up that way because you couldn't deal with what happened to you – your shaping. With this one, it was something else entirely. It was grief and regret – over me, I think."
He could feel her shock as the full force of what he was implying resonated with her. "Tahiri?" It was rare to see her this quiet, this pensive.
"You think you're going to die and it's going to cause me to turn dark?" She said, her voice barely above a whisper.
"I don't know," he responded, instantly regretting he had said anything. He was only making a bad situation worse.
"I can promise you one thing, Anakin," she started, her voice strong despite the tears she was blinking back. "If you died, I wouldn't go dark. I would never fall because I would remember everything you stood for. You've fought so hard to distance yourself from your grandfather, from what you've worried about becoming since we were kids that how could I dishonour your memory by becoming a Sith? And in case you're still worried about the other visions you've had of me, I won't let me shaping turn me either. That's a promise."
He could feel the conviction behind her words, see it in her eyes. He pulled her close to him on the bed. After a few moments he saw her glance back at the closed door.
"You don't have to worry about Corran or my parents walking in." Sneaking her out of his room might prove more challenging but he could worry about that later.
She suddenly stiffened in his arms before pulling away altogether. "I've been thinking about what Corran said earlier – about the kind of effect we're having on each other."
Anakin's forehead creased. There was something off in her voice. "What is it?"
"If he's right, I've been having more of an impact on you than you are on me. What if what's happening between us is because of that?"
"What are you talking about?" Anakin said, confused.
"Corran said that everything we're feeling is magnified. Since I'm doing the greatest influencing the logical conclusion is that I'm projecting my feelings onto you. That what you're feeling is just a reaction to what I'm feeling."
Anakin sat there in stunned silence. It was not because he believed one word of what she was saying, but because Tahiri herself actually believed it to be true. He quickly realized the longer he stayed silent the more Tahiri thought he agreed with her.
"Where is all this coming from?"
She gave a noncommittal sort of shrug. "It's not just because of what Corran said. I've been doing a lot of thinking – about everything." She absently picked at a loose thread on the blanket. "Nobody trusts me – except for you and maybe your family. Can't say I blame them – I wouldn't trust me either. Probably the only reason I haven't been locked away to be studied is because of you. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not manipulating your feelings. I mean, why would you want me in the first place? Anakin, I'm damaged in a way I don't know if I can ever be fixed – really be me again."
"Before Myrkr, our feelings for each other had already changed. Corran said our bond deepening just magnified everything."
"But – "
"I know what my feelings are," Anakin pushed on before he could lose his nerve. "I love you." It wasn't the first time he had spoken those words but the first time he had said them directly to her. On Myrkr, he had thought those words to Jacen to tell her, believing his death to be imminent. On Yavin Four, just after her shaping when she had been about to kill him he uttered those same three words and it seemed to bring back the old Tahiri, his best friend.
"Anakin, that's..." she trailed off, closing her eyes at the flood of emotions he was sending her way to back up his words. "You shouldn't," she said in a hoarse whisper.
"Now who's the Dummy?"
Tahiri's head snapped around at Anakin turning her favorite childhood nickname for him on her.
"You're my best friend, Tahiri. I accept everything about you. Your shaping is a part of who you are now. I'm not ashamed by it. If anything, it's made you stronger. What you went through would have broken most people. So maybe you're damaged but so am I." Anakin swallowed. The guilt from Chewbacca's death still like a fresh wound after all this time. The Fondor incident had been his fault too; if he had used the Centerpoint Station weapon himself, Thrackan Sal-Solo never would have opened fire taking out the majority of Hapan ships along with the Yuuzhan Vong ones. Despite achieving his goal at Myrkr, he couldn't view it as much of a victory - so many needless deaths resulted from his reckless plan to kill the voxyn queen.
Several moments of silence passed before Tahiri finally spoke. "You know I don't think I've ever heard you string together so many words at once."
"I guess after all these years you're finally starting to rub off on me," he said with a smile. "Are you okay now?"
"I am but I'm not. Does that make any sense?"
It wouldn't to most people but it did to Anakin.
They were both quiet for a time before Tahiri spoke again.
"Anakin, you've helped me so much but there are still certain things I need to work through on my own. I don't know how long that's going to take."
Anakin understood that. He meant what he said about not going anywhere. Like always, he would continue to be there for her when she needed him.