Honda's eyes grew wide as he processed Yugi's words. He couldn't understand them at first, but in truth, he felt as if though he shouldn't have been surprised by what the other had said to him. In their adventures as teens, he'd had to experience incredibly wild things that most people would institutionalize him for. Between getting sucked in the Shadow Realm by a taken over Bakura, to being turned into a monkey, to watching his best friend being taken over by a 3,000-year old spirit, there was no reason why this small piece of information would impact him so much. But it did.
He composed his face and regarded Yugi with a look of sympathy and sternness. "Yugi." He shook his head, watching as Yugi's face shifted into something that resembled guilt. Honda didn't understand it, but he continued. "I really think you need to get help."
Yugi was visibly shaking from how upset he was. He felt like he could stab everything that crossed his path, but his feet remained stuck in place where he stood. "I should've just kept my fucking mouth shut," he hissed through clenched teeth. "So fucking nice to know that my friends think I'm fucked in the head." He squeezed his hands into tight fists, his nails digging into his palms. He was trying to make himself bleed, to redirect his anger into the pain he was inflicting into his hands. He couldn't exactly grab a sharp object and cut himself in front of Honda.
Honda's expression changed to surprise at Yugi's words. "I never said that. Don't put words into my mouth, Yugi." He wasn't angry, but he was upset at Yugi's accusation. "I just think you could use the help. I don't understand where this plummet came from."
"Plummet?" Yugi echoed, teeth still clenched. "I've only been dropping for the last three years, Honda. I was trying to get better, but I'm not fucking kidding when I say Atem's trying to come back."
"Dude, you need to relax," Honda snapped. He caught himself before throwing a tangent of his own and reeled back his voice. "I'm going to say something to you again. I think what you're doing to yourself isn't healthy. You're putting these false images in your head about Atem coming back from the dead. You're doing it to put yourself in some fantasy land where you never have to cope. It's not good for you. I know this is hard to hear, Yugi, but you need to hear it. If Atem said he's coming back, it's a phony, one-sided conversation you had with him. He's not here anymore, Yugi. Your depression is bad and I'm sorry I didn't notice it before. I'm sorry for being such a terrible friend. But I'm not gonna entertain this idea that he's coming back."
He stopped talking when he saw Yugi shake his head.
"Just stop," Yugi said quietly, his words harsh. "The store is closed. I don't need your help anymore right now, Honda. You can go home."
This time, Honda really was angry. "No. Now you're being evasive and defensive. I'm telling you what you don't want to hear and not going along with what you're saying, so now you've put up a wall to push me away. I'm not playing this, Yugi. You need to talk to someone."
"No," Yugi snapped quickly. "What I need is to go home and for you to leave me alone. I have no reason to lie to you, Honda, and you're treating me like a mental case."
Honda opened his mouth to speak, but Yugi cut him off.
"I need to go home," he said flatly. "I'm going to assume you brought your own key. Thanks for helping me today." He brushed past Honda briskly, leaving the man to stand in place.
Honda heard the door open and close, but Yugi had made no attempts to lock it behind him. Honda shook his head, chastising himself. He truly felt that in more ways than one, he had become a terrible friend to the former duelist. To go from being titled The King of Games as a teenager, to a near-forgotten game shop owner? In truth, after losing Atem and his grandfather, Yugi was trying to run away from the title. Anything that had to deal with both men in Yugi's life, Yugi tried to push aside. But when there had been discussions on selling his grandfather's store, that was something Yugi wasn't willing to brush off. While he had been doing better before the delusions of Atem's return, Honda knew that Yugi was struggling to find some sort of inner peace with his demons.
With a heavy sigh, Honda made his way to the door, locking it, and then leaving.
Now back home, Yugi had calmed down considerably. In the time it took him to walk from the game shop to home, he thought about what Honda had said to him. Was it really all in his head? Some fucked up way of coping with it? Were the conversations he was having with Atem just his deluded way of making him feel better? If they are, I'm a glutton for punishment, he thought bitterly.
Jounouchi was probably home by now, considering the time and how early he had left to go. Yugi didn't envy Jounouchi having to come in at five-thirty to greet the truck, but he knew that the blonde preferred working early to get out early. He had a blatant disdain for working late and closing. Idly, Yugi wondered where Jounouchi was, since the noise of the television could not be heard. With a shrug, he made his way up to his room.
He made it a point to close his door anytime he was in his room. Not that he felt Jounouchi would intrude on him, but Yugi knew if his door was open, then the blonde would probably look in his general direction out of habit anyway. Yugi didn't feel like having to explain why he was cutting or talking to someone that wasn't actually there. Because he's all in my head.
He sighed aloud. He didn't have an answer for Atem yet, but he did want to give the spirit a piece of his mind. If Atem had been listening in on the thoughts Yugi was having, he would already have some answer waiting for Yugi. Then all Yugi had to do, was call him. Lately, though, anything that left Atem's mouth—mind —never made the former duelist feel any better. So maybe bitching him out will do the trick, he thought sourly.
"Atem," he said quietly. He was sitting on his bed, patiently waiting to see if the other would come or not.
To his surprise, Atem appeared before Yugi, a small smile on his face that quickly faded when the man noticed the expression on Yugi's face. Yugi? What is it?
Yugi inhaled deeply. "I just want to give you a piece of my mind." He made it a point to close his mouth, in fear of getting too loud. He wasn't sure if Jounouchi was taking a nap or if he'd left to relax, but Yugi didn't want to take that chance of the blonde stumbling into his room to see what Yugi was yelling at. You make me fucking miserable.
Atem was taken aback slightly by the other's seething voice in his head. He certainly hadn't expected so much hostility to come from a generally gentle person. Partner…? I don't understand.
You coming back, Yugi said simply, bitterly. It's all in my head. Making my friends think I'm a mental case. Wanting me to see a therapist. You're not coming back because you don't exist anymore.
The other man stayed silent, his expression remaining devoid of emotions. It was carefully composed, while his voice stayed just as level. I'm not fake, partner. If you want me to come back, I will.
Then why do my friends think I'm a nut job? Yugi borderline shouted out loud. I ask them what they'd do if you came back, and they just give me the pity treatment and tell me to get help. It makes me feel worse.
Atem's eyes closed for a moment before opening again. I cannot control the way your friends think, Yugi. I—
Yes, you can! Yugi interrupted. All you have to do is show yourself to them. Make them believe you're really here. I'm tired of being the only one who can see you.
Atem gave Yugi a sad smile. It's not that simple, Yugi. I can't show them that I'm here. That's—
Because you're all in my fucking head and I'm some loony bitch that needs to be locked up. Yugi was seething at this point. Only I can see you because I want to see you. And this wonderful little imbalance in my head lets me see you. Have conversations with you. But because nobody else is fucked in the head, they can't see you. Right?
Yugi. Atem's voice in his head was stern as he cut through the other's tantrum. I cannot show them because it was not allowed. Just because I am here and can show myself to you, it does not mean I can do whatever I want. I am still bound by the rules of the Underworld. I am not here to cause you grief. My return won't be easy.
So tell me, Yugi spat. What do you want from me?
I want you to want me back, Atem replied, his voice calm. But you can't need me. I told you before that the Millennium Puzzle needed to be completed and that you wanted me back in order for me to gain my own body. Getting ahold of the puzzle isn't going to be the challenge, Yugi. Right now, you need me more than you want me. And while that's more than enough for me, it's not what they want. I can't help you cope with this. Perhaps they were right.
Yugi was confused. Why was Atem telling him this now? Why didn't he say it all at once? Atem? Why now? Why didn't you say this before?
Atem gave Yugi a small smile. He moved to sit next to Yugi, who, surprisingly to Atem, did not push the spirit away. In a tentative action, he wrapped an arm around the other boy. He's no longer a boy, he thought to himself. I thought if I kept the rest of the story to myself, you wouldn't try too hard into doing something that wasn't real. Yugi gave him a confused expression. Atem smiled. Yugi, I want you to be able to live your life without my help. I want to be part of it, yes. But I want you to be able to smile without me.
Yugi pondered Atem's words for a moment, looking down at his fidgeting hands. So… the only way you can really come back is… if I don't need you? Atem nodded once in response and Yugi continued. Who's 'they'? What were they right about?
The less I interfere with your life, the less you'll try to reach out to me, the other explained. While you struggled before, you didn't try to call out to me or talk to me. You had moved on in some way, but I could tell you were still suffering. It probably wasn't a good idea to do what I did, but I didn't think it was right to keep it hidden from you. If I was to come back, I felt you should know.
By getting my hopes up? Yugi asked, his thought laced with sadness.
Atem shook his head. No, Yugi. Not that. The ultimate decision is up to you. If you do not wish to have me back in your life, all you have to say is no. I know the Millennium Puzzle will find its way back to you, one way or another. But if you don't want me, then its completion won't trigger my physical body. I will take it with me and go back to the Underworld.
But... Yugi clasped his hands together tightly. I don't want that. I don't want you to go away again. I lost you before. Is it really fair that I have to deal with it again? Next you're probably gonna tell me I have to talk to my grandpa and lose him all over again, right?
Again, Atem shook his head. No, Solomon has accepted his passing. If he were to come back, it would not be as a young man, but in the body he passed away in. I was a teenager when I died. At any rate, he doesn't want to come back. He just wants his daughter and grandson to be happy.
Grandpa doesn't want to come back? Yugi asked, his mental voice cracking.
Atem's mouth opened slightly, his eyes laced with concern for the other, but he couldn't think of any words that would make him feel any better. He closed his mouth and looked ahead in a pointless direction, not focusing on anything particular. His hand clasped Yugi's shoulder tightly, still searching for words. Yugi… that's not the issue. Perhaps you should visit his grave. It would probably do you some good.
Yugi's eyes grew wide as he slowly turned his head to look at Atem. He turned his head away quickly, shaking it rapidly. He'd done just as well to avoid visiting the cemetery. I'm not… I'm not ready for that.
You are, though, Atem insisted gently. You can do it, Yugi. You need to see his grave.
Yugi looked back at Atem with a look of deep disbelief and shook his head slowly. No.
Yes, the spirit said firmly. Whether you want to or not isn't the question, Yugi. You need to do this to gain a sense of closure. It'll help you.
Yugi let out a shaky sigh. I don't know, Atem. I don't think I'm ready for this.
Was your confidence really that shattered when I left? Atem asked, curious.
It wasn't that, came the quiet reply. It's not that I don't feel confident. I'm still very confident. It's just not going in the same direction as it used to.
What do you mean?
Yugi paused, looking ahead at nothing specific. I walk into every situation in life expecting to fail, though I try my hardest by instinct to make it through. It's a pain, honestly.
You want to give up?
The other looked at the spirit and pondered his words seriously. Did he? It certainly would make things a lot less complicated. He didn't have many people to live for anymore. Nobody close, anyway. His grandfather was dead and Atem's tale of return seemed nothing more than a fairytale. A bullshit one, if you ask me.
What are you thinking about, partner? Atem regarded him with a serious expression.
Yugi gave a bitter smile as he looked at Atem. This whole situation. It's bullshit. I'm probably lying in bed right now, tired after working all day, and having a conversation with you because I'm so pathetic, that I can't deal with life right now. I've reached my breaking point, is the thing. So I do something as disturbed as this—make you appear in my head.
You can't control your dreams, Yugi, Atem said calmly. You can close your eyes at night and have thoughts, but they're not dreams. I am not part of your dream and you are very much awake right now. If you were to call his name, Jounouchi would come in here within a couple minutes' time to ask you what it was you needed.
Maybe I am awake and talking out loud, Yugi thought, a note of sarcasm to his voice. And maybe Jounouchi is in here watching me talk to myself like I'm a nutcase.
Atem sighed and shook his head. I promise, Yugi, we're the only ones in your room. Jounouchi is in his room sleeping. Is my being here really that difficult to fathom?
Yugi gave the other an agitated look, but sighed and relaxed it shortly after. Okay… I believe you. It's just difficult to believe that you're really here and I'm talking to you. I mean, talking to you shouldn't be feasible in the first place.
We talked like this before, Atem replied easily, as if what they were doing now was just idle chatting.
Except, with Atem, there was never much room before for pointless prattle. Both were aware of this, and Atem couldn't help but to silently chastise himself for how casual he made his statement sound. The then boy would take liberties like that into his own hands without telling Atem—not that Atem was truthfully opposed to some of the things Yugi put him through—but it was typically something the spirit himself had gone out of his way to do. After all, the most significant moments in his life were when dealing with duels and finding more light on his shaded past. Now that there wasn't any rock left unchecked, it seemed almost strange to Atem. What was it like to truly sit down with Yugi and chat over things that weren't cards and Egypt and the Heart he so often preached about? He had to admit, he felt a little lost.
Atem? Yugi's mental voice cut through Atem's train of thought.
The spirit looked at the other sitting on the mattress and noticed he was being regarded with a bright-eyed expression that resembled an odd mixture of innocent curiosity and worry. It wasn't like him to not have an answer for the other. How long has he been waiting for a response? He kept the thought to himself, guarded from Yugi's prying. He smiled at Yugi. What is it, Yugi?
Yugi pursed his lips in minor annoyance. What were you thinking about?
Atem shook his head. Nothing of importance. What is important, though, is you visiting your grandfather's grave. I think you'll find some closure in doing so, Yugi. Help you come to terms on move on with a huge part of your life.
Yugi sighed. I don't think I'm ready, though. I don't know if I can handle it.
Again, the Pharaoh shook his head. That's where you're wrong, Yugi. I believe you are ready to face it and I think that's why you haven't. At the confused look on Yugi's face, Atem explained in more detail. You've probably known for quite some time that you needed to see your grandfather to obtain any form of closure, and part of you doesn't want to because of what it means—to finally say goodbye.
The other gave a soft smile, barely there as he regarded Atem's words. "And you really expect me to keep living without you." His words were barely a whisper, fleeting like a summer breeze. He nodded once, a heavy, single nod. Okay. If you think I'm ready, I'll go.