HEAVEN HELP MY HEART

Life proceeded as normal for two-and-a-half more weeks. Martha continued her graveyard-shift clinical rotations, the Doctor kept the TARDIS in Hyde Park and continued to come round in the morning when she was getting home. They went to the cinema once, had dinner with her brother, even went on a couple of hair-raising, civilisation-saving expeditions in unknown parts of the universe. Unknown to her, anyway.

They even managed to let their guard down, quite a few times.

Though it was never down completely, not for Martha, anyway.

Case in point, she lay in the semi-dark of the TARDIS' largest, and now only used bedroom, and stared at the ceiling. It was seventeen days after This Moment had been inserted into her mind by the Ti'urb, they visited a library in a pocket dimension, and came to the conclusion that there was something "installed" within her, via sexual distraction. With her body still on-edge from experiencing what was, admittedly, genuine pleasure at the Doctor's hands, she took a deep breath and sighed. It was not the sigh of contentment that she ordinarily might have let slip at this juncture, but rather, it was fraught with despair or aggravation. This was not lost on the Time Lord lying beside her, whose dual heartbeat was just now decelerating down to normal.

"You okay?" he asked, before exhaling pointedly.

"No," she said. "I think this is the Ti'urbs' objective. This is their revenge."

"What is?"

"The fact that I can never get fully into this now."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I'm constantly on-alert for that weird infiltration feeling to appear again, that I can't just let go, and enjoy this the way nature intended."

He turned to look at her, with worry. "That's weird, because it seemed like you..."

"I did," she said. "But it's only half about what's going on with my body. There's also what's going on in my mind. If I can't unleash my qualms..."

"I'm sorry, Martha. Has it been like that every time since that morning?"

"Yeah."

"Ugh," he groaned, disgusted. "Why haven't you said anything?"

"I didn't want to ruin it for you too."

"That's very nice," he said. "But you've got to tell me these things. How are we supposed to kick this little Ti'urb problem if you're keeping stuff things from me?"

"I know." She sighed again. "Well, I suppose it could be a lot worse."

"Yes it could," he agreed. He slid his arm underneath her head, and encouraged her to roll over. "A distracted orgasm is definitely better than what some people get."

"Definitely." She closed her eyes and snuggled up, making a decision to just be, if only for a few minutes.

She breathed in his scent, took in his warmth and felt better, began to relax. She reminded herself that no-one gets a fully unfettered relationship - or a fully unfettered anything, for that matter. And this "fettered" relationship was still unfolding in the arms and in the bed of the most exciting man in the universe, the only man she had ever loved so hard it hurt. He was the last of his kind, he had saved the Earth more times than she could imagine, and he had over nine centuries of experience under his belt... in almost every possible scenario. And he wanted her!

And that was thousands of times more than pretty much anyone in existence ever got. So, take that, Ti'urb, she said to herself.

But now it was the Doctor's turn to sigh. "But I know what you mean. I wish you didn't have to settle for just better than what some people get."

Well, it was nice while it lasted.

But she whispered, "Shush, I'm happy."

And when it started, she almost didn't notice. A simple upward, three-note arpeggio, in a minor key with some electronic-sounding instrumentals. It was definitely dated circa mid-1980's, but it was pleasant enough to hear. Some piano chords interspersed with a tinkling melody came in a after a few bars, and somehow, captured the pathos, passion, and tension she felt underneath it all...

And then a voice took over.

If it were love, I would give that love
Every second I have
And I do.
Did I know where he'd lead me to?
Did I plan
Doing all of this for the love of a man?

She thought, rather unconsciously, "Any part of me that's not a medical student is The Doctor's Companion. His partner, his girlfriend, his lover, whatever I am. When did I become that person? No wonder my mother thinks I've lost my mind."

Well, I let it happen anyhow.
And what I'm feeling now
Has no easy explanation,
Reason plays no part.
Heaven help my heart -
I love him too much!

How often had she had thoughts like this? About how lucky she was, when he looked at her that way? When he kissed her, tugged at her, when he was inside her, whispering to her... the only one in the universe who could touch him that way, was her. Sometimes that fact made her want to disappear into the vortex with him forever, and never come back, never, ever face reality again.

Even just a few minutes ago, she had been able to shed her qualms and find peace by reminding herself of who he was, how having him was so much more than having anyone else...

What if he saw my whole existence
Turning around a word, a smile, a touch?

And Martha knew, one of the reasons why he loved her, was her independence. Was that all an act on her part? Did he know how much she mentally and spiritually clung to him, and everything that he was? Could he have any idea of the hugeness of him, in her life?

One of these days, and it won't be long
He'll know more about me
Than he should.
All my dreams will be understood.
No surprise,
Nothing more to learn from the look in my eyes.

Oh I know that time is not my friend,
I'll fight it to the end,
Hoping to keep that best of moments
When the passions start.
Heaven help my heart
The day that I find
Suddenly, I've run out of secrets,
Suddenly, I'm not always on his mind.

He was a clever man. Beyond clever. Beyond a man. He was the cleverest being in the universe, probably... how could she ever hope to hold onto him? And she had no idea what he'd been like before, but in this incarnation, he wasn't just smart-sexy, he was sexy that you could see from across the room, and feel in your bones when he smiled, the kind that sort of swept in his wake when he walked, the kind that becomes a liability...

Here she was, basking in the glow of his affections, stupidly, without realising that her days were numbered. It wasn't just the This Moment principle of entropy, that nothing lasts forever. It was a whole different thing, being with this man. Part of love and attraction was mystery, having secret desires to dole out, tantalisingly, as needed and wanted. But the Doctor... he would likely be able to read all of them before too long, if he couldn't already, and then where would she be?

And with that, she sat upright, jostling them both out of a kind of reverie.

"What's wrong?" he asked, slurring his words just a bit, as though he had drifted off for a few minutes.

She scowled deeply and just turned to look at him.

Maybe it's best to love a stranger.
Well, that's what I've done.
Heaven help my heart.

The expression on her face alarmed him more than the sudden movement had. He sat up alongside her, now very much awake.

She put one hand to her forehead and said, "Blimey, this thing is dangerous." She gave a harrowed, ragged exhale before pulling her knees up and burying her face in that hand.

He was bound to know that she had heard something that he couldn't. She did not want him to know that it had got to her. She was crying, and she hated to do that in front of him.

But she couldn't hide it. It was too much. She sobbed tightly, now into both hands, and he put both arms around her and pulled her in, until she stopped.