Still Two Months Before Floyd Dunbart

"The gunmen and killers, they had no friends. It's a reminder that I'm not long on friends either. Most everybody you meet dislikes the lawman. I can't blame them too much. It's just that I have to remember, Matt Dillon, U.S. Marshal, few friends."

Matt Dillon in Word of Honor, Season 1, Episode 3. Directed by Charles Marquis Warren, Written by John Meston, Screenplay by Charles Marquis Warren.

Chapter 7

She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not

With his heart hammering in his chest, Matt quickly slipped down the alley and climbed those familiar stairs. He paused on the landing in front of her door and reminded himself of the things he wanted to say. No matter what she said, there were words he had to get off his chest. Then he took a deep breath and knocked softly.

As in the past, she opened the door quickly, and he slipped inside. He looked around and saw things had changed. There was new furniture, finer things. She offered him a brandy and invited him to sit. He removed his hat, seated himself, and accepted the drink. She sat across from him after pouring herself a drink.

He wondered if it was really possible that she could look more beautiful every single time he saw her. Tonight she was wearing a beautiful silky blue dress that made her eyes even more sparkly than usual. It was cut just low enough to set a man to thinking, but it was her eyes that totally captivated him. He swallowed, and reminded himself of why he was here.

Matt took a small sip of his brandy and couldn't help but notice that the quality was a lot better than what they used to share. He looked over at the bottle and read the label. Yup, Kitty had definitely come up in the world, maybe too far to have an interest in someone like him. Napoleon Brandy was not something that had previously crossed his palate. "This is some mighty fine brandy, Kitty."

Kitty gave him a somewhat mysterious smile. "It's been a while since you've come by to visit, Matt."

Matt offered a self-deprecating smile in return and reflected on the reason he hadn't visited. It was, at the moment, the elephant in the room, and definitely an elephant he didn't plan to ignore. "Yeah, Kitty, I guess I didn't behave much like a man the last time I was here."

"I dunno, Matt. I've known a lot of men, and most of them don't act the way I think they should."

Matt felt the implied sting in her damnation of men in general, and, unless he read her wrong, him in particular. He decided to try again. "What I mean, Kitty, is that I didn't act much like the kind of man that I want to be. I was worse even than most of the men you dealt with, because I was supposed to be your friend. I'm ashamed of how I acted."

"You hurt me that night, Matt. I trusted you, and you were a… disappointment."

Matt hung his head, tried to think of some response, but failed. The silence stretching between them was painful for him, although Kitty seemed to not notice. He knew he needed to somehow explain himself, wanted her understanding, or forgiveness, even if she couldn't give him her love. "Kitty, you remember that you asked me that night if you meant more to me than just um… sex. I answered, 'Of course you do, Kitty, we're friends.' That wasn't a lie, Kitty. You were and are my friend, and I wouldn't change that for anything. The only people in this town that I can really call friends are Chester, Doc, and you. A man with only three friends can't afford to lose any of them. And you are the only woman friend I've ever had, and that's special to me, too."

Kitty arched her eyebrow, and pierced him with her gaze. "Your friendship's special to me, too, Matt. And like I told you that night, I'll always be your friend, because you mean something to me."

Still unsure of what it was he meant to her, Matt plunged on, determined to say his piece. If she didn't have any interest in him beyond friendship, he was going to find that out tonight. "But, Kitty, it was only half the truth. I couldn't find a way to tell you the whole truth. I guess I was scared to share my feelings. Even now, I'm not sure how to explain myself, but I'm gonna try." He took another sip of the brandy, tried to think of the words he wanted to say.

"When I became a lawman, I chose to walk a lonely road. I never expected to have friends like you, Doc, and Chester. The rules were clear: Marshal Matt Dillon, no friends and no emotional entanglements. I was still holding fast to that idea of no emotional entanglements. You know, I've got a lot of enemies, and I make more everyday. I seem to have a talent for it. You've seen em come after me." He paused and caught her eyes, wanted to be certain she understood why he was talking about his enemies. "But did you ever stop to think that any enemies I make would also be a danger to the people I care about or who care about me? I wanted to protect you from…"

Kitty interrupted. "Matt, I understand what you're saying is true, and I know it's a worry for you, but what's that got to do with telling me half-truths?"

Matt took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Dropping his eyes to contemplate his drink, he lifted the glass and drained it in one gulp before setting it aside. He decided to approach the truth directly. "Kitty, I love you." He stopped and looked into her riveting sapphire eyes. "I think I've always loved you. When I kissed you, I knew for sure, but I was afraid to admit it even to myself, afraid to tell you, afraid to bring danger and sadness to you. And, I guess I was afraid of getting into a relationship. I've never had any strings holding me." Matt hesitated. All this truth was hard for him to say. He was a man who protected his feeling from everyone. "But, Kitty, I haven't been with another woman since the first night I spent with you. I don't want any other woman." Afraid of how his admission would be received, he dragged his eyes upward to lock with hers and saw tears gathering.

"Why couldn't you tell me that when I asked you? It would have saved me a lot of hurt."

"I never meant to hurt you. What I said, and the way I left you that night was wrong. After I left, I didn't feel like much of a man. You said I was a disappointment to you." He hung his head. "Well I was a disappointment to me too." He raised his head, determined to say everything he had planned. "But, like I just said, I was afraid to admit I loved you, afraid it would bring you danger and loss. But it was more than that. I was afraid of commitment. I've never had to worry about how the things I did, or the things that happen to me, might impact someone else. It's always been just me, nobody to really care if I did right or wrong or even if I lived or died."

Matt paused and took a deep breath. This was a lot of talking for him, but he wanted to make sure he didn't leave anything out. "Also, I didn't know what you thought of me. I guess, in my mind, I wondered if I was anything more than a friend to you. You never told me how you felt. Then, you becoming half owner of the Long Branch set me to thinking that you would probably be looking for a better man, someone who could give you the things you deserve." Matt stopped talking and waited, prepared himself to have both his heart and his pride crushed, but at least he would have his answer.

"Matt, I had to protect my heart too, and I did tell you that night that you meant something to me."

Matt chuckled sardonically at that statement. "Yeah, Kitty, you did, and I have to tell ya, I've spent some time wondering exactly what it was I meant to you."

"Matt, did you ever notice that you never paid?"

At that point, Matt definitely became flustered. "Uhmm, yeah. I mean, I noticed…uh, yeah. I never paid… I noticed." He remembered how he had wondered if he should offer to pay, but it hadn't been like that for him. Paying seemed wrong, but maybe it was not paying that was wrong. He loved her, but he never told her he loved her. And maybe she didn't love him. She never told him. Maybe he should have paid. Finally, he blurted out, "Should I have paid?" The answer to that question had suddenly become extremely important to him.

Kitty took pity on him, stood and walked over to him, and, placing her hand on his cheek, guided his face towards hers, looked into his eyes and said, "You mean everything to me, and I can't imagine finding a better man. I love you. That's why I never asked you to pay."

On hearing those words, Matt's entire world shifted on its axis. He stood and crushed her against his chest. Then, with his head nestled in her hair, he took a deep breath and, with a hitch in his voice, tried to explain that even though he loved her, and she loved him, he didn't see any happy ending for them. "Kitty, you know, I took an oath when I pinned this badge on my chest, and I plan to keep to that oath. I walked away once, and a woman died. I don't plan on walking away again. Because of the badge and how I see things, I can't give you the things you deserve. I can't give you my name, or a public acknowledgement of my love. If I did those things, I would feel like I was painting a target on your back. I won't always be able to be here when you want me or even sometimes when you need me. I can't even promise you I'll be here for you tomorrow."

Kitty stepped back from his embrace and, holding his gaze, asked, "What can you promise me, Matt?"

He took a deep breath, but kept his eyes locked with hers. "I can promise you my heart, my body, and all the love I have. I can promise to be faithful to you, to always do my best to protect you, and to do everything in my power to survive so that I'll have another day with you. And, if someday that's not enough for you, I'll understand if you walk away. I wouldn't need any explanations." He knew she deserved so much more, but he had offered her everything his badge allowed him to give. He hoped it would be enough. Then he remembered something else he wanted to say and added, "But I'll never stop loving you. Even if you leave, I'll always love you."

Then there was silence as he waited and searched her eyes, trying to read the answer in their crystal blue depths. Silently, she moved away from him, left him bereft. He watched her walk over to her vanity. She opened a drawer, removed something, and came back to him. Without speaking a word, she grasped his right hand and pressed something into his palm. He looked down to see a small brass key. "What's this?" he asked

It's the key to my door and my heart. "You won't have to knock. I love you, Matt Dillon."

He wrapped the precious key in his strong hand. "There's one more thing I have to tell ya, Kitty. I already told you that my Father died when I was a boy. What I didn't tell you was that he was a Texas Ranger. He was shot in the back by an outlaw he was pursuing. My Ma and I got his gun, his badge, a letter of commendation, and nothing else. We had tough times trying to make it on our own in that dry, dusty, Texas town. I did what I could to help, but I was just a boy. Ma died not long after. Losing him like that broke her heart, I think. I don't want that for you, Kitty, but..." He trailed off, not exactly sure how to put it, but thinking she could probably see his worry.

Kitty met his gaze and offered her response to his fears. "Matt, I have never been beholden to any man. I've made my own way in this world, and I plan to keep right on doing that. I don't ever plan to give up my independence. I make my own decisions, and that isn't going to change either. We'll be stronger together, but, if you don't make it back to me one day, I'll be able to take care of myself just like I always have. No matter what happens to you though, I will love you till the day I die. Nothing will change that. "

Matt opened his hand, took the precious key she entrusted him with and slipped it into the hidden pocket inside his vest. Then he reached out and pulled Kitty against his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around her. They stood like that for a long time. Then she led him towards her bed, and, in the soft moonlight streaming in the window, they undressed one another and rediscovered the secrets of each other's body.

To be continued…