Chapter 7 - Dumbledore's Death
It couldn't be real, and yet it was. Dumbledore. Dead. And there was nothing that anyone could do to make it just a dream, to make it not be so.
Ron stood alone in the middle of the Common Room, his stomach churning uncomfortably. Tomorrow. The funeral was tomorrow. How could this be?
He heard someone coming down the dormitory stairs behind him but he didn't turn to see who it was. He knew it was Hermione before she spoke.
"Ron?" she said in a very dry voice. He turned now to face her, knowing that his eyes were red from exhaustion and tears that he might not have wanted her to see on any other day, but today he didn't care. And he saw his own feelings reflected back in her face, in her eyes. He managed to step closer towards her as she moved into the room, their eyes never leaving each other's.
"What do we do now?" Ron asked her, knowing that she didn't know either, but not sure what else to say.
"I don't know," Hermione said, and Ron was struck by how small she sounded, how afraid. He knew as he stared into her eyes that she was not only referring to Dumbledore's death when she said she didn't know what to do, but that she was thinking about everything that now lay before them... the Horcruxes, finding them and destroying Voldemort himself... and the risk they'd be taking, the risk that their families were now facing under Voldemort's increasing power. And even though Harry hadn't said it yet, Ron knew that it wouldn't be likely that they'd be returning to Hogwarts next year. Harry would want to leave right away, to face what he had to face, and to finish it. Ron knew that Hermione knew this too, and that she was just as afraid as he was, but just as determined to do whatever it took to win.
Ever since Ron and Lavender had split up, he had been wishing he could work up the courage to talk to Hermione, to really tell her how he felt. He didn't want to go into this new chapter of their lives without being able to hold her, to comfort her... but maybe that's not what she wanted? He wished more than ever at that exact moment, standing there in the Common Room in front of her, that he could read her mind, that he could know exactly how she felt for him so that they could stop standing two feet away from each other, stop standing even two inches away...
But Hermione moved first, closing the small distance between them and wrapping her arms around his waist, burying her tear stained face in his chest. His arms moved up to circle her back and he felt his body tense up at the feel of her body pressed to tightly to his own. But as he stood there with her, he felt himself relax, and for the first time in days, he felt like he could really rest. After the battle, things had been so hectic, but now that she was here with him in this quiet, deserted, and very warm room, he didn't want to move. He didn't ever want to leave her arms for his empty four poster bed upstairs.
"Ron?" Hermione said in a muffled voice as she moved back from him a little.
"Mm?" He looked down at her, the glow from the slowly dying fire reflected in her eyes.
"I can't bear to go back up to the dormitory yet. It's... well, it's honestly been sort of difficult to be in there at all recently..." Hermione looked away from him, and he wondered what she meant, but she continued, so he didn't ask her yet. "And now... now everybody's just... I just can't be there now."
"Why?" Ron found himself asking, not sure if she would even want to tell him, judging by the way she had moved out of his arms and away from him towards the fire. "What happened?"
"Well," she said, her back towards him, her arms wrapped around her own body for warmth. "You sort of happened, Ron." She turned back to face him and continued speaking quickly. "But you must have known it would be awkward after... well, after you and Lavender..."
Ron's eyes widened. Why hadn't he thought of it before? Hermione and Lavender shared a dormitory. Obviously it would be hard on Hermione to be in the same room with Lavender after what had happened, after Lavender had caught Ron and Hermione coming down from the boy's dormitory together... alone... Whether or not they had actually been alone, Lavender was sure to give Hermione a hard time.
"Ah," Ron flinched. "I really hadn't thought of that..."
Hermione shrugged slightly and gave him a small smile before looking away from him.
"I'm sorry, Hermione," Ron said as he watched her rub her arms with her hands.
"It's alright, really," she said reassuringly as she smiled back up at him again. But Ron shook his head.
"That must have been... uh, a bit... weird... all year then," he concluded, blushing and scratching the back of his neck.
Hermione remained silent, and she didn't meet his eyes when he looked back over at her again.
"God, I really am a prat," he said softly after a moment.
"No, you aren't," Hermione said kindly, glancing back up at him. "Just forget it. I was only wondering if you'd stay down here with me... just for a little while." Ron watched as her cheeks turned pink in the fire light.
"Oh!" He felt himself relaxing again, glad to be done with any sort of talk about Lavender. "Yeah, of course. I wasn't planning to go back upstairs any time soon either. I was actually thinking of going for a walk through the castle."
Hermione arched an eyebrow at him and he grinned.
"I know we aren't supposed to wander around after curfew," he said with a playful eye roll. "But... I figured it can't matter too much... right now..." he finished, his stomach twisting again at the mention of the current state of things... of things without Dumbledore...
Hermione nodded.
"Okay," she said. "Let's go then."
Ron blinked at her.
"But..." he began, another grin beginning to spread across his face. "You just scolded me for planning to break a rule!"
"I did not!" Hermione said. "You just assumed that's what I would say."
"Well..." Ron laughed, realizing that she was right, that she hadn't said anything at all. "Well you would have!"
Hermione laughed now too.
"Is my voice inside your head now?"
Ron nodded, still chuckling.
"Good." Hermione smiled. "Maybe it'll keep you out of trouble."
"But your real voice just said a minute ago that you were alright with wandering about after curfew with me right now," Ron said reasonably, knowing that he had just won something about this conversation... He expected a loud retort, at the very least a comment... but what he got surprised him and excited him. Hermione giggled and took a step towards him.
"You're bad for me, I think," Hermione said, grinning up at him. "Really, really bad."
Ron grinned down at her. Then, without really thinking about what he was doing, he took her hand, blushing to the tips of his ears.
"Come on then," he said as he pulled her towards the door. "I've got to live up to your last comment." But just as they reached the portrait hole...
"Oh, Ron, maybe we shouldn't," Hermione said in a voice a little too frantic to be natural. Ron turned to look at her, wondering for a brief moment if she really was having second thoughts. But his eyes met her own twinkling ones, and he smiled again, still not letting go of her hand, thoroughly enjoying this little game they were playing.
"Now you're trying to stop me?" he said through his grin. Hermione rolled her eyes and tugged on his hand.
"Come on, silly," she said. "We have rules to break."
"Yes, ma'am," Ron said as he followed her through the portrait hole. "Now who's bad for whom?" he joked as they began to walk hand in hand through the corridor.
Hermione grinned as they walked in silence for a while, both of their hearts beating furiously, their minds racing through so many thoughts... thoughts of the war to come, of Dumbledore's death... and at the moment, thoughts of their hands where they remained clasped together as they walked through the castle... something they had certainly never done before.
Finally, they reached the corridor that eventually led to the Astronomy Tower, neither one having really planned out where they were going.
"Should we head back?" Ron asked, his voice oddly strengthened by the cold stone walls surrounding them.
"If you want," Hermione said, looking up at him. He suddenly realized exactly where they were. They were standing in the corridor where he had been with Lavender when she had pulled him into a broom closet, then asked him up to the Astronomy Tower.
"I don't really want to go back, but if you think we should..." Ron said softly. Hermione shook her head slightly.
"We could go up to the tower," she suggested, glancing over her shoulder in the direction of the door to the Astronomy Tower. Neither of them had been up there since the battle... since Dumbledore's death. And Ron was suddenly struck by how innocent Hermione's suggestion now was compared to Lavender's, how now that it was Hermione asking him, he wanted nothing more than to go wherever she wanted, to do whatever she wanted...
"Okay," he said in a scratchy voice, nodding his head so she'd know he really meant it.
"Okay," she echoed, and they walked hand in hand towards the entrance. They slowed down at the end of the corridor, both lost in thoughts of the recent battle that had taken place here...
When they reached the stairs, Hermione had to drop Ron's hand to climb up ahead of him, and he thought he sensed a moment of hesitation at letting go of his hand. He smiled to himself as he followed her up. His hand really did feel empty and cold now that hers had left his.
Hermione walked straight over to the railing when they reached the top. She looked out at the moonlit grounds and lake, her arms once again wrapped around her body for warmth. It was a bit chilly this high up and this late at night.
Ron moved up next to her, looking out towards the lake as well, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. His arm brushed against Hermione's, and he could feel her shivering.
"It's kind of cold up here, isn't it," he said as he glanced over at her. She nodded, and to his surprise, she leaned a bit closer to him so their arms actually rested against each other. Ron felt his skin tingle where hers touched his and he allowed his tired eyes to flutter shut at the feeling.
Hermione's eyes closed as well, and she found herself fighting back tears as the weight of this place hit her, of being right where Dumbledore had taken his last breath. And then suddenly she felt Ron moving next to her. She opened her eyes just in time to see the top of his head disappear inside his jumper as he pulled it off.
"Thought you just said it was cold," Hermione whispered as she watched him, her heart pounding in her chest for some unexplainable reason.
"It's not so bad," Ron said, blushing furiously as he handed her the jumper, goosebumps clearly visible all over his pale, scarred forearms. "Here, you take it."
"No, Ron," Hermione said softly as she stared at his jumper in his hands, trying hard not to even glance at Ron's chest where his thin white undershirt clung tightly to every muscle... "You need it."
"I don't."
Hermione stared at him, her eyes filling with tears. Then an idea struck her and she reached forward, but not for the jumper. She took Ron's wrist and he allowed his eyes to finally meet hers.
"We can share it," she said in a small voice, blinking quickly to battle the tears in her eyes. Ron gave her a confused smile.
"That's not going to work," he said, his ears red and his eyes darting about nervously. "I barely fit into this as it is."
But then Hermione was tugging on his wrist and he realized she wanted him to sit with her, so he did. They turned their backs on the railing and Hermione tucked her knees up to her chin, then leaned towards Ron. Cottoning on to Hermione's plan, Ron bravely attempted to drape his jumper across Hermione's shoulders as she pulled him closer so part of his own back was encased by the jumper as well. For a few moments, their efforts to both fit beneath the warmth of the jumper were accompanied by nervous laughter and goosebumps, until finally Ron gave it up as a bad job and shook his head, wrapping his arm around Hermione's shoulders, the jumper encasing her back alone with warmth.
"See, told you that wasn't going to work," Ron said with a grin.
"Are you a wizard or not?" Hermione asked, her eyes sparkling as she smiled over at Ron, and he remembered asking Hermione the same question years ago.
"Funny," Ron said softly as he smiled back at her. But, realizing that he was clearly not catching on, Hermione pulled his jumper into her lap and removed her wand from her pocket.
"Engorgio," she said with a lazy flick of her wand, and Ron's jumper quadrupled in size, now big enough to practically fit Hagrid inside.
"Oh," Ron said, blushing a bit again. "Yeah, that does make sense." Hermione laughed softly as she draped the now very large jumper over her own lap and Ron's. She leaned against him again, and Ron could hear his own heartbeat pounding in his ears as his mind raced, unable to move past the fact that Hermione was so close to him, his arm still around her, her head on his shoulder...
After a while, Ron began to feel his eyes burning and his eyelids drooping, and he glanced sleepily over at Hermione, noticing that she looked very tired too and was evidently struggling to keep her own eyes open. But as he watched her blink heavily, he saw her glistening tears as they rolled down her cheeks, and he reached up to brush them away before he even realized what he was doing.
"Hermione," he choked out as she looked up into his eyes, her gaze so trusting, so caring...
"Stay here," Hermione whispered, as if she sensed he was going to say they needed to leave, though he was thinking nothing of the sort. "Just for a little while..." she added.
Ron stared into her eyes, his breathing becoming more difficult now that his chest had constricted so tightly against all the emotions now racing through him.
"I'll stay all night up here with you if you want," he found himself whispering back. She smiled broadly at him as more tears slipped down her face, and then she was scooting down and out of his embrace, her back sliding down onto the cold stone floor of the Astronomy Tower. Ron copied her movements until he was lying beside her on his left side, facing her. She rolled onto her side as well to face him, and, heart racing, she scooted a bit closer, pulling Ron's jumper over both of their bodies.
They remained silent for a long moment, Ron watching sadly as Hermione's tears glistened in the moonlight as they fell from her cheeks to the gray stone floor beneath them. He was reminded of a few months ago, something he'd said to Lavender when she'd asked him to sleep in the Astronomy Tower with her...
Why would you want to sleep on a hard stone floor when you could sleep in your bed?
But Ron would never dream of leaving this place now for the comfort of his bed. For Hermione, it didn't matter. He'd sleep in ice water if she was there beside him.
"Ron," Hermione whispered finally. "We're going to make it. I know we are." She sounded unsure, even as she spoke such confident words, and Ron gave her a reassuring smile as he nodded his head once against the stone floor.
"We have to," he whispered back. "We will."
She nodded and scooted a tiny bit closer to him.
"You know," he said after a moment. "We could do better than this for pillows." And he sat up, glancing around, then looking down at his clothes, reaching into his pockets.
"What are you-" Hermione began, starting to sit up as well. But he pulled a bit of lint out of one of his pocket and held it up, showing it to Hermione.
"Now I know I'm sort of rubbish at transfiguration, but how do you think you might be at making something more comfortable than stone out of this for a pillow?"
Hermione grinned, clearly ready for the challenge. She swished her wand at the lint in Ron's palm, and it grew and fluffed up to a relatively small, but decent looking pillow.
"Yeah, knew you could do that," Ron said as he slid the pillow under Hermione's head, then leaned down onto it himself, his face mere inches from Hermione on the tiny little pillow. Her eyes even began to blur together into one.
Suddenly, Ron moved back as if stung, realization as to how close and personal he had just been with her clearly written across his startled and bright red face.
"Sorry!" he exclaimed, moving completely off the pillow onto the stone. "Maybe we should make that pillow a bit bigger..."
"No, it's fine," Hermione said in a very tiny voice. "It's... it's warmer when you're... closer..." Ron's mouth opened slightly as he stared at her across the foot of space that separated them.
"Oh, well..."
He watched as Hermione's face burned with obvious embarrassment, and he realized how he'd feel in her position. He'd be terrified that she wouldn't want to be so close to him... he had to clear that up. She had no reason to worry at all if she was embarrassed at asking him to stay close to her. That's exactly what he wanted after all, what he had always wanted...
"Well, good," he said, summoning every ounce of courage he could find as he moved his head back onto the pillow. His forehead nearly touched hers and her hair was mingling with his on the pillow. "It's definitely warmer this way, you're right."
Hermione smiled at him and he closed his eyes, unable to look back into her eyes right now. He didn't know what he might say without thinking... because right then, he wanted to tell her everything, wanted her to know that every ounce of his soul belonged to her... always had, always would... but he didn't know if he could face it tonight if she turned him down.
"Tired," he mumbled as he felt her eyes still on him, and he managed to smile, his eyes still closed, hoping that some of what he was feeling would be conveyed to her without the intensity of his gaze meeting hers.
"Me too," Hermione whispered. And just as he was about to drift off to sleep, he felt her hand brush his accidentally. Just as she was pulling back away from him again, he clutched her fingers in his own, and he felt her warm hand relax into his, their fingers intertwining.
"Everything will be okay," Ron found himself saying, and he wasn't sure if he was saying it more to himself or to Hermione, but he felt her forehead finally touch his on the pillow, and he allowed her warm and gentle breath to caress his face as he felt his last moment of consciousness slip away, his thoughts falling into dreams.
Hermione opened her eyes first. Ron's closed eyes were the only thing she could see this close to him. She pulled back slightly, her stomach flipping when she realized that he was still holding her hand, still here with her... But the sun was rising, and with it, the whole school would wake. She began to sit up and felt Ron stirring beside her, then pulling his hand out of hers gently as he opened his eyes.
"Morning," Hermione said, unable to look directly at him as she stood and straightened out her clothes.
Ron sat up, stretched a bit, and without looking at her either, mumbled something that sounded a lot like "good morning."
Hermione quickly vanished the pillow and returned Ron's jumper to its previous size. She handed it to him and he managed a small and lopsided grin down at her as he pulled it on over his head.
"We should get back to the dormitories before everyone wakes up," Hermione said sensibly, her face reddening again.
"Yeah," Ron agreed, and he led the way to the stairs, but just after he had taken the first two steps, Hermione right behind him, he turned around to face her, their faces almost even now that he was two steps below her. "Hermione," he began, blushing but forcing himself to be brave and look into her eyes as he spoke. "Next time we do this, remind me to bring something better to transfigure. As lovely as this was," he grinned at her, "I don't reckon I'll be much use today with a broken back."
Hermione smiled and shook her head.
"Next time I'll bring a sleeping bag," she said, and he smiled back at her. Their eyes locked and he felt the butterflies that he had gotten so familiar with kick back up inside his stomach.
Maybe he couldn't tell her everything today, maybe not tomorrow. But he knew that there was no going back. As he stared back at her, he could see something that he hadn't seen before... maybe something that he'd simply been too dim to notice... but if he tried really hard, he could imagine, could hope even, that something was changing, that she felt something for him too, that they were going to be alright... together even... and that was all he needed for now.