AN: Review, please. Two more chapters will be uploaded by this time next week, after that, you won't be hearing from me for a while. Many thanks to my beta Jen. :) Chapter songs on profile. And I got a formspring if you want to ask me anything. Kbaiii x

Chapter Six: At The Bottom
Chapter Song: At The Bottom by Brand New

"Computers are magnificent tools for the realization of our dreams,
but no machine can replace the human spark of spirit, compassion, love, and understanding."

- Louis Gerstner

BPOV

"What do you think of this place?"

"It's... beautiful. So beautiful." I gasped in awe for the twentieth time today, taking in the beautiful mountains and lakes. It was a sight that I had been staring at all afternoon, but it never ceased to amaze me with its beauty and tranquility. Jake grinned and held my hand as we walked across the gravel trail. I knew that my tired eyes couldn't take the view in perfectly, and I wished that I was more awake to appreciate it even more, if such a thing were possible.

"I knew you'd love it here. You did when you... the old you did."

I smiled sadly. What wasn't there to love about this place? The mountains were so high up the clouds danced across them. They carried on for miles and miles, stretching across the horizon like an oil canvas. Breathtaking. The smell of fresh cut grass made my nose tingle. And the large lake was just a stone's throw away. I loved this place. If I could spend the rest of my life staring out at this beautiful view, even with my tired eyes, I'd be happy.

"I'm still me, you know. It's just... I don't know... A different side of me."

A different side of me that was unbelievably unpredictable. Ever since Alice's visit, and that manilla folder, my life had been turned upside down. How did I manage to cope with all that I went through without giving in to thoughts of suicide? Am I weak for even thinking of suicide as the perfect escape route to all of the hate that was suffocating me? It's been three months since I found the grueling details of what Renee Higgenbotham subjected me and my loved ones to... and I haven't had a peaceful night's sleep since.

"Don't get me wrong," he said, putting his arm over my shoulder. I laughed as he awkwardly walked and knelt down to be closer to my height at the same time. "You'll always be Bella to me... There are some things that you say, or there's a look that you'll give, and I'll think... that's you. The old Bella. You're still her, you're just..."

"Wired differently?" I asked, smirking.

"You're still you."

"I know what you're trying to say." And I did. I was touched that he didn't look at me any differently, despite the circumstances. I sighed, another wave of exhaustion hitting me. Jake looked at me seriously, asking me with his eyes if I was okay.

If I was asked to explain what I was feeling right now, I don't know if I could find the words to do so. I couldn't explain it even if I tried.

"I think we should head back," I said suddenly. "I'm really tired."

My body was starting to betray me. It was completely void of all energy for me to even want to try and function at a sane level. Yet my mind continued to race at a million miles an hour, not stopping for anything or anyone. I could imagine my brittle sanity as a large mirror that shattered into pieces too small and sharp to put back together. I had counted the hours of sleep I failed to be blessed with, until there was no point to continue. I lost count at eighty five hours and thirty two minutes. The more I wished for sleep, the harder it became to do so.

Jake and I had spent the entire day together. We had many of those days lately, where it would be just us doing whatever came to mind. If there was one thing I loved about Jake, it was how spontaneous his mind was. I've grown to love him unconditionally. He knew how to make me laugh when I didn't want to, and his smile was like the sun. He decided to surprise me by taking me on a four mile bush walk. On any other day I would have loved this, walking briskly, the crisp mountain air in my lungs and taking in the beautiful sights of our town – but today was one of those days I wished that I could curl up in bed and will for myself to vanish into non existence, no matter how beautiful this scenery may be.

"Jake," I whined, not even bothering to lift my feet as I walked, instead dragging my feet. We had been walking for nearly an hour now. It was too much energy to continue acting like this wasn't bothering me. "Are we near my house yet?"

"A mile to go." He replied in a cheery voice. It made me want to stomp on his foot... really fucking hard. "Why? Are you okay? You've been pretty quiet today."

"Exhausted. This lack of sleep is driving me bananas."

"How long has it been now?"

"Four days, give or take. I can barely walk anymore."

Without another word, Jake knocked the back of my knees with his hands, making me stumble. He scooped me in his arms and carried me as he continued walking. I couldn't even find the energy to protest and hit him for invading my personal space.

If there was one thing I felt strongly about, it was personal space. I hated the invasion of it, and would usually go mental if someone entered the too-close-for-comfort barrier. But as much as I wanted to protest, part of me secretly enjoyed the closeness of proximity that we shared.

His body was like a warm safety blanket. I yawned dramatically and nuzzled my face into the crook of Jake's neck. Each step that he took felt like I was being rocked in a cradle. My eyes fluttered shut, much too tired to open them for a while.

I let my mind wander aimlessly, without a particular thought to consider. I thought of my dad, and how he has been nothing but love me unconditionally, supporting and nurturing me. I thought of Jake, and how things were growing increasingly complicated between us. For reasons that I couldn't comprehend, Leah, Sue's daughter suddenly stopped talking to me. We got along great until Jake and I became attached at the hip. Did she have feelings for him? Or was I missing something more important than that? It probably went a lot deeper than that, and I was just too clueless to see or understand it.

I thought of Alice... all 4'11 of her. The way that I was terrified of her at first, but quickly realizing how important she is to me now. I had to catch up with her soon. I missed her smile terribly. I thought of Esme, and baby Jen who would always run to me grinning when she'd see me. Doctor Carlisle Cullen, who protected me like a father... But my mind stopped dead in its tracks when Edward's face came to mind.

My turbulent, racing mind halted at the thought of the one person that doesn't want to see me.

I could see him as if he were standing right in front of me. His hair was blazing brilliantly in the sunlight; blondes and browns and reds amalgamating perfectly. His skin was pure and flawless, stubble that covered his jaw so soft that I wanted to reach out and stroke my fingers across it. His cheeks were slightly blushed from the heat of the sun... and his eyes... My God, his eyes were beautiful. They were the lightest green I had ever seen, with flecks of yellow making them sparkle. He was smiling at me with nothing but happiness radiating in them.

I slowly opened my eyes and saw my house in the distance. The thought of my bed within close proximity made me want to cry from joy.

"Almost there." Jake said, smiling.

It's been three months since I saw or heard from Edward. The look of despair was the last thing I saw in his eyes, and it's haunted me since. I don't know why I was so fascinated with him considering he refused to speak to me. Or see me, for that matter. He and I were both in that psychiatric ward together for an extended period of time. We saw the worst in each other, and helped each other get our lives back on track. I guess I was hoping he could help me again... Maybe I was expecting too much from him.

I received a phone call from a woman named Tanya a few days ago. I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice when I realized that it was a woman calling from his house. The disappointment quickly turned to jealously, which turned to fear. But as she began to speak to me about how Edward would come see me... I was... well... Thankful...

But he never turned up.

I cried for hours after, his rejection hurting me for reasons I didn't understand. The thought of him not caring about me devastated me. But why?

When we reached my house, Jake put me down gently and immediately took my hands in his. I could feel his hands shaking.

"There's something that I have wanted to do for a long time, Bell... ever since the first moment I saw you."

My breathing gurgled deep in my desk as he took a step closer to me. A part of myself always suspected Jacob's feelings for me to be something more than a platonic nature, but I chose to ignore it. I'm not quite sure why I chose to ignore them, but it was obvious like an elephant in the room. I guess I thought that if I ignored it, it would go away. It's done anything but. How could I ignore it any longer when it was staring me with large, innocent brown eyes? I waited for a spark to ignite within me at the thought of Jacob even wanting to kiss me, but...

He brushed a stray piece of hair behind my hair, his fingers lingering across my scarlet cheek. The closer his face came toward mine, the faster my heart started to thud painfully against my ribcage. Was this the spark I was waiting for? The feeling of butterflies in my stomach and my heart sitting in my throat?

His hot breath fanned across my face, stunning me so swiftly it made my entire body still as a statue. His scent was ethereal and welcoming in a way I couldn't describe. As his lips brushed across mine, I was surprised at how full and soft his lips felt against mine. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't this. Never would I have expected this. Jake pulled me closer to him, and I could feel his heart beating against my hand that was still across his chest. He was so warm. Like the sun.

I parted my lips and his tongue brushed against my bottom lip. I sighed in his mouth and his fingers laced through my hair.

No. No. No. This isn't right...

It doesn't feel right.

"No. Jake, no." I muttered as I pulled away from him. His hands were still on the back of my head. Hurt crossed his face and I immediately felt guilty.

"You don't want to...?"

"You thought? Oh, no, I-" A snapping twig made me shudder. I looked over to where the sound came from and the blood ran cold in my veins when I saw who it was.

It was Edward.

I couldn't believe it. I had called him almost every day for nearly three months and I didn't receive any form of response from him... but now here he was, standing outside my home without notice? I immediately thought something was wrong... that Renee had found Alice or Carlisle, or even my dad while I was gone and panic exploded through every cell of my skin. Then it was quickly replaced by anger when I saw the hate that harbored in his green eyes.

I let go of Jake's hand and started to power walk toward him, ignoring Jake's yells of protest. I tripped and stumbled over my feet several times, almost breaking out into a sprint. Before I knew where I was going, my hand met Edward's cheek with a loud slap. He flinched, not from the pain, but from shock, but otherwise stood firmly in place. His eyes were as dark as Emeralds. It wasn't enough for me. I needed him to show emotion. I clenched my fists into balls and hit his chest several times as I screamed at him.

"Was it too hard for you to pick up the fucking phone? I have been trying to call you for months and you couldn't even find the time to call me back? What the fuck, Edward?"

Edward stood still the entire time, taking each hit to his chest and each word I screamed at him without complaint. He wasn't looking at me, but at Jacob, with the same look of hate in his eyes.

"Fucking look at me!" I cried out, cupping his chin in my hand and forcing it in my direction. "Why? Why do you hate me so much?"

Edward's hands covered my wrists slowly, and just for a moment, all the hate in his eyes vanished. I felt something the moment his hands touched my skin. The spark. The butterflies and fireworks that I expected to feel with Jake became potent in a single touch by Edward.

"You think I hate you?" He whispered.

"I see the way you look at me, Edward... and I don't know why."

"You have... no idea." he muttered sadly as he let go of my wrists. He was turning to walk away, and the thought of him leaving scared me. Something snapped inside me, and my hand reached out for his.

"Don't go. Please."

"Uhh... Excuse me?" Jake growled, suddenly by my side. He was staring at my hand that was clasped around Edward's wrist. "What about me?"

"What about you?" The anger in Edward's voice terrified me. He looked like he truly hated Jake, that much was evident. But it seemed, by the look on Jake's face, the feeling was more than mutual. "Don't you fucking dare."

"Don't what, Masen?" I put my hand on Jake's chest as he attempted to get closer to Edward. I was in the middle of a fight that was about to break loose at any second. I had to find a way to diffuse it. I couldn't understand why they both hated each other so much, and how it got to this point. I was far too tired to deal with this right now.

"I should fucking kill you for this, you fucking mongrel!"

"Why? What's your claim on her, Masen? Last time I checked, you were never together."

Edward's face suddenly became as pale as a ghost. He had a look on his face that I couldn't decipher. It was far too intricate, with too many layers to peel away to truly understand. I couldn't look away from him. With my left hand on Edward's wrist and my right on Jake's chest, I felt so lost.

"You're not going to get away with this, Black."

"I dare you. Say it."

Their secret code was really beginning to piss me off. I let go of both of them, and started walking toward the house. Since there were no cars parked outside beside my red Chevrolet, I would be home alone for the afternoon. Good.

"Bell, where are you going?"

"Edward and I need to talk. And we obviously can't do that without you here, so I'll just talk to you later, okay?"

Jake stared at me blankly for several seconds. As Edward stood beside me, something flickered in his eyes. He narrowed them as he spoke dangerously low to me.

"So the moment he tosses you a bone, you immediately take it? Who has been here for you since the moment you woke up, Bella? I have. Not Masen. Me. Don't do this."

"Don't do what? I just need to talk to him, okay?"

"I'm right here, Bella. Right here. Right here in front of you, willing to jump through fire if you ask me to. I would do anything for you. I love you, all right? I have been in love with you since the moment you looked at me, and smiled that beautiful smile of yours. I want to be with you, okay?"

"What the fuck are you trying to prove? Do you take pride in taking advantage of this situation, Black?"

"For the love of God." I closed my eyes and counted to ten. I wanted to cry until I couldn't feel anything anymore. Why did Jake have to ruin everything? I love Jake with all of my heart, but that kiss... it was wrong. How could I tell him that without it hurting him? I shook my head, feeling ears threatening to fall.

"Edward and I need to talk." I repeated, feeling a thousand years older in five minutes.

"Why are you choosing someone you can't have, when you can have someone that loves you is staring you right in the face?"

"I'm not choosing anyone! I can't deal with this right now. I'll talk to you later, Jake. I have to speak to Edward."

I walked straight into my house without a final glance, for I was far too afraid to see how badly I hurt Jake. I know the way that I spoke to him was unforgivable, but I was too drained to handle it in any other way. What did he mean when he said I was choosing someone I couldn't have? I collapsed on the couch, walking a fine line between consciousness and being swallowed by my exhaustion. Edward stood awkwardly behind the other couch, looking anywhere but me. I asked him to come and sit next to me, and he eventually did. I yawned and closed my eyes.

"Did you want me to come back another time? You look exhausted?"

"Would you actually come back if I said yes?" His silence was the answer I expected. "In that case, I'll live. Why are you here, Edward?"

Edward sighed, and when he spoke, he sounded as tired as I felt. "I thought that instead of calling you back, I should come see how you are. It's been a while since I last saw you. You look a lot healthier."

"You only have yourself to blame for not seeing me. I wanted to talk to you, and you appeared to feel the opposite. Now all of a sudden you're here, wanting to see me? Forgive me when I say that I don't get what the fuck your intentions are."

"Of course you don't." Edward looked so worn out, as if each word he muttered was another wound etched on his heart. I almost felt bad for going off at him. Almost. "You're right. I just haven't explained to you why. Maybe if I had, you and Black-"

"Jacob?" I stuttered, not believing the turn of events. "What about him?"

"You," he let out a shaky breath. "You kissed him."

I laughed breathlessly, not really believing what I was hearing. "You think that I kissed him?"

"Well... Yeah..."

"No." I said, biting my lip nervously. "It wasn't like that... Are you sure you don't hate me?"

I was acutely away of the way Edward's tired eyes stared at me, and how my fingers itched to reach out and touch him. That spark that I felt earlier... was it just confusion? Am I just delirious with sleep and completely oblivious to differentiate a spark from a spark?

Ugh. Now I have 'socially ignorant' to add to my list of mental disabilities.

"I'm sure." He smiled sadly. I noticed his left hand twitch ever so slightly. Was he wanting to reach out to touch me, too? Should I just suck it up and bite the bullet? Maybe if I just take baby steps – starting off with sliding my and a little closer to him? "Absurd. For you to think that I could hate you of all people."

He muttered the words more to himself than me. I took a deep breath and scooted closer to him. Our thighs were millimeters away from each other's touch, his body heat somehow soothing my currently manic, erratic pacing mind.

"That's just it," I spoke quietly, not staring at Edward, but at the fireplace. "You say things like that... that make it sound like I truly mean something to you... but then you act cold and distant and avoid me for three months. The picture paints itself, don't you think? What else am I meant to think?"

"There is so much I want to tell you, Bella. The list in itself is nearly infinite. I could talk and talk until the end of time, but... I'm scared... Too scared to speak the truth to you. You would probably do exactly what I fear you will."

"What's that?"

"Turn me away."

"But you... You turned me away instead."

"What else was I supposed to do?" he took my hand in his and I nearly gasped at the way his skin felt against mine. The sparks were nearly blinding. "As you know... we've been... friends... for years. The only memories that I want to remember from all my years in the asylum are the ones I shared with you. And Carlisle. When I first saw you, it was like a light beamed down from heaven. I'm not even exaggerating when I say that. Ever since you came into my life, I have been very... Uhhh... Protective... of you."

"Protective. Is that why you... dislike Jake?"

His laugh was borderline maniacal. He ran his other hand through his hair carelessly. He took a deep breath, like I did moments before, and closed in on the narrow distance between us. I couldn't think logically. All I could think about was the way I felt whenever Edward was near me. Whenever he looked at me. Am I... Could I be...?

When I looked into his eyes, I knew the answer.

I love him.

That had to be why I felt this way. Why I was nearly obsessed with seeing him. The way my thoughts always found a way to him. It's all because I was, and still am, in love with him.

Did he know that I was in love with him? I couldn't grasp the thought of him ever wanting to be with me. He seemed like he was an angel on earth, floating above me, all around me, but not on my level. He was in a league of his own.

"Dislike Jake... That's one way of putting it."

"I have no idea what the fuck is happening right now... but I am certain of one thing."

"What's that?"

Here we go... I'm going to tell him... I have to...

"I'm in love with -" the phone's loud shrill sliced through me, making me nearly fall out of my seat. Edward was staring at me so intensely I didn't move to answer the phone. When he reached for the phone, he placed it over my ear. His eyes never left mine. Mine never left his.

"Hello?" I answered.

There was a crackling silence in the background. Alarm bells were sounding in the back of my mind. I could feel myself breaking out into a cold sweat.

"Is anyone there?" I nearly whispered.

There was a gentle chuckle, and it felt like all of the air was being punched out of my lungs. My eyes widened at the strangers words before the line went dead.

"Gotcha." he said.