Disclaimer: I'm poor etc.

'If there is something you must do and you cannot do it, you cannot do anything else.'

Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Chapter 7: Laura Non C'e

God had spilled an ink-pot over. Dark blue took turns with darker blue clouds, spread like moth-eaten rags over the sky.

Lorelai Gilmore strode to and fro in her room, her hands fumbling with her mobile. It was dead silence all around. Depressing enough as it was to be alone here, Lorelai opened the window, hoping this would let some noise /or smell, or any other sign of life existence/ in. It was so quiet. Quieter than Stars Hollow /was that possible, or have I suddenly lost my hearing? Oh, boy.../

She gave her mobile a last look before making the decision to dial.

'Mom, everything okay?' Rory jumped up in her bed and turned the night lamp on as she saw 'Mom' flashing on the screen of her mobile.

Lorelai let out a relieved sigh. She hadn't lost her hearing, if not else.

'Everything's fine, grasshopper, are you willing to talk to your mommy even though she doesn't have cancer? It's so quiet in here, they don't even let us watch TV after midnight and I'm afraid I might be dying!'

'You just admitted you didn't have cancer, mom,' Rory smiled, adjusting her pillow behind her back. 'Do you mean you're bored to death?'

'I'm in abstinence! Offspring, you and I, we're java junkies, we have to take our caffeine daily, otherwise we become a menace to society. An evil, dangerous menace. Can you feel the menace in my voice?'

'Oh, I do. I do. Very menacing, your voice. But, mom, you know they have these rules for a reason. They can't run the tests if you're caffeine high.'

'Sure they can!' Lorelai insisted.

'Mom…'

'Rory… you're my only partner in my world domination conspiracy, thus I think the least you can do for your mother, the one who gave birth to you in so much pain, raised you and divided each and every morsel with you, including the tasty chocolate-flavored ones, is bring me some proper coffee, strong and pure.'

Lorelai made a short hopeful pause, but since she got no answer, she continued,

'No one will have to know, what do you say? Oh, please, Rory, they have cameras all over the place, I can't even get the crappy coffee they have from the machine in the foyer. I'm kept a hostage and they're watching me all the time... You so have to come and get mommy some proper pure caffeine, from Luke's special supply in the shelf up to the left in the closet, please, please, pleeease!'

'Mom, are you asking me to bring some contraband caffeine in your hospital room?' Rory asked, amused.

'Will you?' Lorelai inquired hopefully.

Rory shook her head, holding back a chuckle.

'No.'

'I'm even okay with you bringing me the rough material, some nice smelling angel dust, it doesn't really have to be in a cup.'

Rory adjusted her pillow more comfortably and narrowed her eyes.

'Mom, what are you talking about?'

'Instant coffee, of course, what do you mean what am I talking about?'

'Oh. Okay.'

Lorelai stopped pacing the floor and held a breath.

'So, you'll get me some?'

Rory rolled her eyes.

'No.'

'Make a pro/con list?,' Lorelai tried.

'Ehm, no?'

'Tie some coffee beans to the leg of a pigeon and send the tiny little savior to my hospital room window?'

'Mom!'

'Put some coffee beans in the washing machine so that my sheets smell like it?'

Rory took a deep breath and then exhaled it harshly.

'I kissed Jess.'

'Get a barrel full of coffee and make it boil under my windowhat did you do?.'

'I did. I kissed him. And I think I will, again.' Rory confirmed rather fast, so that she didn't lose courage.

Lorelai blinked a few times, processing the information.

'Oh. Right.' Her voice sounded a little down and Rory cringed inwardly. 'Is that what you want?' Lorelai asked, trying not to imply any good or bad attitude.

'You'll know what to do as soon as you figure out what you want,' her mother's words clang in Rory's head.

'Yes,' Rory confirmed and felt a relief at the realization this really was what she wanted.

'Okay,' Lorelei said quietly. Rory could almost see her mom's pouting lips. 'Mom?'

'Yeah, grasshopper?'

'I love you.'

'You're welcome.'

Rory closed her eyes and smiled.

'I have something more to tell you.'

'Oh, no, are you pregnant?' Lorelai exclaimed with a terrified grimace.

'What? No! God, mom, it wasn't like that… whatever, it's about Taylor and some flame lanterns.'

'Really? I love flame lanterns!' Lorelai cheered, happy with the change of topic.

Rory let herself sink back in the sheets and pressed the mobile closer to her cheek, a grin on her face.

'So, there we park in front of the house last night, when Taylor comes and knocks on the car window to tell me that everyone has been waiting for me…'

It was a bright new spring morning in Stars Hollow. It was breakfast time, so the Diner was quite busy, orders flying between the tables.

Jess raised an eyebrow on his way to a table by the door, both his hands holding plates with eggs, bacon and fries.

'Look who hasn't been sleeping lately,' he muttered with a smirk as he passed by the younger Lorelai Gilmore, who had just entered the Diner, her eyes red and puffy.

'Coffee first, talking second,' Rory mumbled and headed for the bar plot.

Jess' eyes followed her and his smirk grew into a smile. This might not be home, but it hit close.

'Here,' he said as he poured her a cup of coffee and put it into her hands, leaning so he caught a better sight of her face, 'Shall I offer some rice with curds, really helpful if your head feels heavy. I also think Luke had ginger somewhere at the back.'

'Mmm,' Rory took in the nice revitalizing smell that came from the steaming coffee. 'Your mobile has been ringing. And I don't have a hangover,' she added and rubbed her temples. 'Did I mention your mobile is ringing?' Rory mumbled sleepily as she heard the beeping sound again.

'So I hear,' his expression visibly darkened, which sharpened Rory's attention waking her up a little.

'Aren't you gonna pick up?'

'Nope,' he answered, taking the pencil from behind his ear, ready to take another order.

Sulky. Rory's eyebrows furrowed.

'You know who's calling, then,' she reasoned.

It was like they were seventeen all over again. Something happens, he closes in and it's hard to get to him. It was so aggravating, yet so him.

'Can we talk about this later?,' Jess requested, his voice agitated and pleading at the same time.

'Okay,' she agreed a little reluctantly.

'Jess, my boy, just look at you!'

'Fuck,' Jess muttered under his mouth and looked up at his mother. 'Not now, Liz.' he made an impatient gesture with the hand that was holding the pencil.

Liz… Last time Rory heard him address his mother, it was 'mum'. Heavy with sarcasm, but yet… This was years ago, though.

'I've been trying to call you all morning, dear,' Liz said in what Rory guessed was her sweetest voice.

Jess cringed at the 'dear' part, but his mother was never one to notice insignificant details, so she continued.

'Where have you left your mobile? It doesn't matter, now that you're back from Iran,' she beamed.

'Pakistan,' Jess corrected.

'You look so grown up when you frown,' she reached a hand to ruffle his hair but he pulled back.

'What do you want, Liz?'

Rory looked from Jess to his mother and then back to Jess.

'Don't be mad, Jessie, I just want to talk to you, what is so strange about a mother wanting to talk to her so…'

Jess' face shifted. Rory knew that face. It indicated an oncoming storm, only to hide the inflicted pain. It had been a long time since she last saw it, but she still remembered it vividly.

'Stop it, okay?' Jess snarled and Liz made a step back.

Stop it, just stop! I didn't invite you up here; you came on your own!

Then something strange happened. Jess took a breath, ducked his head and rubbed his forehead with his knuckles. When he looked up again, his eyes weren't stormy anymore.

'Look, Liz,' he made a few steps towards his mother and stopped as he approached her close enough, so that he didn't have to speak loudly. 'I have some more work here, but when I'm finished, we'll talk, okay?' Jess asked quietly, his hand holding on to the pencil. Rory saw his knuckles go white, but his face looked composed.

Was that... was that Jess making a compromise?

You, me… It is what it is.

Another deja veux, huh? Rory blinked as she watched him guide Liz towards one of the tables, telling her he would be done in about half an hour.

Her eyes searched his as he came back behind the bar, but he didn't look at her. If he had, he would see them sparkle.

'Well, it's not like she hasn't had any boyfriends before,' Luke reminded his wife.

Lorelai folded her arms.

'He's different,' she said stubbornly.

Luke's eyebrows rose up.

'And how is he so different from the others? I mean, except for being a pain in the ass...'

He paused, thinking.

'And completely unsocial for the first couple of years of your acquaintance.'

He thought some more.

'They also managed to quite hurt each other... but couples do that... right?'

Lorelai stood silent for a while, watching her husband stir her tea and ponder over the arithmetics of a relationship.

'He's the only one who let her go,' she sighed. 'She decided to get him back on her own.'

'And that's a bad thing?'

Lorelai bit her lower lip. Luke's eyes flashed with understanding.

'Lorelai, are you… are you jealous? Of Jess?'

He was truly amused and wasn't trying to hide it.

'Come on, Lor. Really? Of Jess?'

'Say it one more time.'

'Let me just get this right, you don't think he'll kidnap her and take her to Iraq against her will... you don't, right?'

Lorelai sighed.

'Or maybe she'll decide to go on her own,' she shrugged helplessly.

'No one's gonna take Rory away from you,' Luke smiled. Then, something occurred to him,

'Remember the Dark Ages and then Rory's decision to go back to Yale?'

Lorelai's expression softened.

'I never thanked him.'

'I think now would be a good time,' Luke noted as he gave her the steaming cup of tea.

'Luke and mom say 'hi',' Rory said as she entered the Diner. The lights were off so she waited until her eyes adjusted to the darkness.

She found Jess sitting on a chair by the window, resting his chin on his knuckles.

She took a chair and drew it near his.

'Mind if I sit next to you?' she asked.

He shook his head no. She sat.

'How is she?' Jess asked without turning his eyes away from the small sheet of paper he was holding in his hands. Rory's eyes followed his and she tried to figure out what the sheet was. It reminded her of a bank receipt but she couldn't see it clearly in the semi-darkness.

'Mom's fine, she's in caffeine abstinence, but apart from that she's okay. She's coming home tomorrow.'

'Guess I'm gonna spare a couple of full coffee jugs under the counter, then,' Jess said and turned to look at her. She smiled at him and he smiled back. It was a faint smile, but it was genuine nonetheless.

'You're a generous man, Jess Mariano, you know that?' she asked and reached out to touch his cheek with her palm.

Jess closed his eyes at her touch and his features relaxed.

'You have no idea.'

'Jess…' she started but her voice faded. She wanted to talk to him about what was going on with him and Liz, but she didn't want to cross any borders, not yet, it was so soon, too soon to define any.

Jess opened his eyes and pulled aside. Rory's heart shrunk.

He stood up and drew his chair nearer so that it was aligned with hers. Rory blinked a couple of times and it took her a couple of seconds to realize he had put the sheet of paper in her lap.

'If you still have questions after you read it, you can ask,' Jess sighed and sank back into the chair, his legs stretched, his hands intertwined before his chest, eyes closed.

Rory looked at the small sheet, then back at Jess, and then back at the sheet again. It was a bank receipt for a transaction conducted in Hartford this afternoon. Subject: Deposit on the mortgage of Liz Danes' house in the town of Stars Hollow, Connecticut.

Rory put the receipt down in her lap and waited for a moment for her breathing to even.

'I think you did right,' she said softly. Jess straightened in the chair and shook his head.

'I did it to get rid of her, so hold back the fanfares.'

'Yeah, now that you say it, going with your mother to Hartford and helping her keep her home is the exact way I would imagine getting rid of someone.' Rory reasoned.

'It doesn't matter, anyway,' he echoed, a little shyly. He had always felt shy when he helped someone.

'What difference does it make after all?' Rory recited. 'Anonymity in the world of men is better than fame in heaven,' she continued, took his hand and put it around her shoulders, her head finding its old place against his chest.

'For what's heaven? What's earth? All in the mind,' Jess finished with her and wrapped his hand tighter around her. 'Bet you didn't imagine movie night like this.'

'Did you expect to hook up?' she teased.

He looked at her with the ghost of a smile.

'It's fine, really,' Rory said gently. 'You know what?' she looked up to search his eyes. 'Mommies are just big little girls. She's trying. In her own way.'

She could feel his heartbeat speeding against her cheek.

'Jessie, my boy, is that you?'

For a moment Jess held the mobile in his hand like it was something that had just fell from an UFO and hit his head.

'Mom?' he managed to utter at last.

'How have you been, Jess? I haven't heard from you for a while…' Liz's voice came from the other end of the line.

'One year and four months,' Jess thought bitterly. 'Definitely my idea of a while.'

'I'm fine, mom. How's Doula?' he asked. Could she be calling to congratulate me for my birthday? But, then again, it was more than a week ago…

'Oh, she's just fine, she's running all about the house, trying to run the place down… talking of which… Jess, we're in a little bit of a problem here. I know I'm the last person you would want to lend money to, but T.J. is in the process of changing jobs and Luke helped us more than enough times and…'

I suppose I should hope that it turns out fine
But I hope that some sadness does cross your mind
And you'll look for me when you have crossed that line
Come one day

Jess inhaled harshly and held a breath for a moment before letting it out.

'I can't wait for her,' his voice came out a little hoarse.

'Jess,' Rory whispered into his chest, 'you don't have to.' Then, squeezing his hand, 'You're doing just fine.'

Jess ducked his head and kissed the top of her head.

'Come on, let's take a walk,' he said and stood up.

She grinned and followed suit.

'You know, a couple of cherry trees have just blossomed, I'll take you there if you want, Kerouac.'

'Without a single thought, two hands collide and the world finally makes sense again.'

Kayla Dawn

Brooke Fraser ft. William Fitzsimmons – 'You can close your eyes'

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