Standard disclaimers, like always.

They used to say 'everything's better with butter.' I say, 'everything's better with BETA!'

Happy Thanksgiving one and all.

After Samhain …
the follow up to Nothing But Time on My Hands
Ram's Pairing Chapter 7
By Alfonsina

I only saw Ram at work before he left on his trip. He wanted to spend as much time with John as he could. I understood, but I missed him even though he didn't live all that far away.

While he was in Boston, Ram called while he was gone every night before he went to sleep. If either of us had envisioned having phone sex, we were both wrong. Ok, so I felt strange that we might do it, but I'd kind of hoped we might do something. Turns out that it was more important just to talk to each other. Before he hung up every night, he'd tell me a short story or a part of a longer one. Always he ended with the words, "May you feel safe and loved all the days of your life." He said them with reverence and it almost felt like a prayer; it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Ram was home long enough to catch up on the day to day stuff that we take for granted. You know, watering the plants, doing laundry, sleeping in his own bed and packing to leave so he could do it all over again. Actually, I did his laundry and cleaned out his fridge; he could handle the detail work. It was easier to see him leave the second time.

I guess Ram's being gone wouldn't have bothered me quite so much, but his trips had him gone over Thanksgiving. I wasn't really sure I wanted to do Thanksgiving with his family without him and I didn't want to do it with mine. I was saved from myself when I was called in to cover for Manny; he had a family emergency. It was just a standard surveillance shift.

I called Ram before I headed out so he'd know I wasn't going to be available for our nightly talk. He asked me to call him when I got in so he could say 'good night'. How sweet.

I was going to be paired with Ranger for the evening. I met him in my parking lot at the designated time.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Ranger," I said as I climbed into the cab of his truck.

"Same to you, Babe."

I'd sort of hoped that I'd be paired with Lester, Brett or Zip; they all talked. I was probably in for another night of silence. At least I wasn't going to have to deal with the zoo at my mother's house.

"Not celebrating this year?"

"I usually work the holidays to let the guys with families celebrate."

"That's nice of you. But don't you ever want to see Julie or your own folks on the holidays?"

"I can see them whenever I need to; the holidays are a big deal for some of these guys. They aren't such a big deal for me."

"But…"

He looked at me as he raised his eyebrow daring me to say more.

"It's nice of you to cover for them," I finally said. I still didn't know who all was married and who had significant relationships. From all appearances, Ranger was doing his imitation of the lone wolf again this holiday season.

We drove in silence and parked in front of an old warehouse building. He handed me the file so I could know who and what we were looking for. At this point, I knew better than to try to make idle conversation with Ranger. I'd get one word answers and frustrate myself in the process.

I noticed a baggie and a thermos on the consul when I'd gotten into the truck, but didn't think much about it. If there was little talking on a surveillance shift with Ranger, eating was all but non-existent. OK, so I ate from time to time, but Ranger was always too wrapped up in observing whatever it was he was looking at to ever consider eating.

About two hours in he opened the bag and withdrew two travel type mugs. "Hot chocolate?" he asked.

What? Ranger talking? He was offering drinks, hot chocolate? Strange.

"Please," I said when I realized he'd actually spoken and it wasn't just my imagination.

We sipped and sat in silence.

Another hour passed and he opened the bag again. "Sandwich?"

"Thank you," I said as I accepted the well wrapped sandwich.

"It's turkey, in honor of Thanksgiving."

"Very thoughtful of you. Thank you again."

He ate in silence and I watched him. Part of me would always love him and desire him, but some of the chemistry was starting to fade a little.

"I wouldn't have been enough for you," he said after he finished. "Would I?"

"What?"

"Me, my life, my work."

"That's not true. You would have been more than enough."

"Ram's more stable, a better choice."

"Ram doesn't have the same life you do," I said. "He wants a commitment. That's what we were missing, commitment. We had the rest of it in spades."

"I know. In terms of business I'm good at contracts, deadlines, and expiration dates. I can't look beyond six months into my own future," he said quietly. "You always deserved a future that was limitless."

"At one point, six months would have been enough."

"And now?"

"I wish I could say it was; it isn't any more," I said feeling miserable. "I love you."

He looked at me and tried to bring me in for a kiss. I put my hand on his chest and shook my head.

"Do you remember telling me once that there's all kinds of love?"

He moved his head a fraction.

"I've been working on figuring that out for myself for a long time. It made me realize that it is OK to love more than one man at a time. I can love as many people as I want; being in love is a little different though. I can only be in love with one man at a time. It also made me realize that love is limitless and the more you give away, the more you receive. Too bad my bank balance doesn't work that way."

"Do you love Ram?"

"I think so, but it's a different love than the one I feel for you. You're incredibly special to me. You have a huge piece of my heart, but I'd never be able to give it all to you."

"Why?"

"You just said yourself that you can't look more than six months into your own future. We make amazing friends and would probably do well as lovers, for a period of time. Long term, I think I'd resent coming in last to work commitments, other people's needs, never seeing you on holidays. I'd want more than six months at a time with you. I'd never let my guard down when I know my time could be up at any minute."

"You're the only woman I even think about for as long as six months," he said.

"I know. Ram's looking for long term and a commitment. He actually said that in so many words on our first date."

Ranger looked surprised, not a look he wears often.

"He didn't want to play around only to find out later that we both want different things."

"You want that, with him?"

"I'm pretty sure, yeah. Oh and thanks for sending him away," I said.

He said nothing. Ranger is famous for saying nothing. Ranger can say nothing for hours at a time.

"Because?" he finally asked.

"Because we've talked on the phone every night. Because distance has made us listen to what the other one has to say about things. Because there's no chemistry to fight or to get sidetracked by, you have to deal with things with words."

"I shouldn't have sent him out of town," he said.

"You really did want to drive a wedge, didn't you?"

"I'll always be a selfish bastard when it comes to you. Cookie?"

I took the sugar cookie from his hand and asked, "You aren't going to make his life difficult are you? If you are I can quit my job so I'm out of the equation." Wait a minute, Ranger had cookies? What else was in that bag?

"If he ever hurts you, then he will experience a whole new world of pain and suffering. You don't need to quit your job, I like seeing you around the office. You do good work. Besides, I'd miss you."

"Thanks."

The rest of the evening was spent in silence. We'd cleared the air some and shared a meal; it was comfortable if not a little poignant.

I called Ram after I got home and had gotten into my jammies. It was late and I felt badly about waking him. He said he really hadn't been sleeping, just dozing.

It was a short conversation, and I ended it with 'love you'. It wasn't the three little words he wanted to hear, but it was close.

"Steph, are you ok?" he asked not disconnecting the call.

"Of course. Why?"

"Just making sure. Sweet dreams, princess. I'll talk to you tomorrow. I love you."

Wow.

~x~x~

I've given a lot of thought to and about love since May. Ranger had been right about the 'all kinds of love'; that phrase used to make me crazy. There's love of family and friends, love of things and places. The unconditional love for an animal is pretty powerful, I loved Rex but I think I'd need a dog to feel the love returned. Rex isn't that demonstrative once he's fed. There's the love that turns your world completely upside down; it's fragile while it's strong.

In the same way that there are all kinds of love, there are all kinds of expressions of love. I'd already told Ram that my family says it with food. Ranger had said it with cars and jobs. Morelli said it with nagging about my life and safety. Ram seemed to be saying it all of the time, but always in different ways. That realization paralyzed me with fear.

When he'd coerced me into range time and proficiency with my firearm, he was telling me he loved me enough to make me safe. The entire time we'd been trading e-mails and he'd sent the flowers and gifts, he made me feel special. When he'd taken my pain away and just touched me, it had all been based in love. Someone's hands feel differently on your body when the touch is loving versus when it is clinical.

He'd even told me in so many words that he was in love with me and he wasn't a man who spoke because he liked the sound of his own voice.

He'd been making love to me for weeks without having sex with me.

Oh God.

~x~x~

When Ram finally got home from the second leg of his trip, he was exhausted. He said it was because he was an old man, I think he just likes his own bed. You never sleep quite the same when you're away from home or eat the same.

I picked him up at the airport and it was kind of like the date we'd had where we'd gone to the airport to neck. It seemed like he knew where all of the secluded corners were in the baggage claim department; I was going to need to find out exactly how much time he'd spent at the airport to know it quite so well.

I asked if he'd gotten anything for his ex or his son while he'd been gone.

"Is that important?"

"She watched your house and all kids want something, anything, when their dad gets back from being gone."

"Do you want anything?" he asked.

"Nope, just glad you're back."

~x~x~

We had dinner at his favorite Chinese place before I was going to take him home so he could unwind and unpack. Alone.

"Trying to get rid of me, Steph?"

"No. You've been gone a while and I know they'll want to see you. Quality time and all that jazz."

Actually, I was trying to get rid of him. Even though I'd come to my own realizations, I was going to end it before things got more involved.

"Can I come over later tonight?"

"You may not want to," I said quietly.

"Has there been a development I'm unaware of?" He sounded a little uncertain.

"Yes and no. My period started this morning so there won't be any explorations of any kind tonight." I figured that if I used the 'no sex' and 'no intimacy' cards, he'd be fine with not staying over.

"You think all I'm after right now is sex? You've got to be kidding me."

"No, it's not that. I'm just not good company when I'm all crampy and bloated."

"I'll make you feel better, you have my word."

I knew he could and that he really wanted to, but I couldn't let him.

I shook my head.

"You don't trust me or you don't want me to help you?"

"I need to go," I said trying to move my chair away from the table.

"No, you don't. I want to know what's going on." He was sounding a little bit angry.

"Not here, OK?"

I dug around my purse for my keys, but could barely find them. When I did, I surrendered them to him.

"I knew going out of town was a bad idea," he said. I'm not sure who he was angry at: himself, Ranger or me.

He got behind the wheel of my car and drove to my apartment. He didn't even say a word in the elevator or when he unlocked my door.

We sat on the sofa and he said, "Talk to me." It was almost like he was channeling Ranger, but it was more than Ranger's standard issue, "Talk."

"I've been thinking a lot about things since you've been gone," I started out slowly. "And I think I'm probably not the right person for you."

"I don't think that's for you to decide."

"It sort of is, because it takes two to have a relationship and I don't think I'm qualified to be part of this relationship."

"You didn't seem to have any doubts a month ago."

"Thanksgiving when I was on a stakeout with Ranger, we talked. Actually I talked and I realized some things about love and relationships. I love Ranger and I probably always will."

"I should probably go. I'll see you around the office, Steph," he said standing to leave.

"It isn't like that. What I mean is," I said, "there are all kinds of love. I'm crummy at words and wish there were more words to describe love."

"Not really wanting to explore the philosophy of love with you. Night." He began to walk away from me and toward the door.

"I think I'm in love with you," I said quietly. "Good bye."

I rose and went into my bedroom and closed the door. There are some times when I wish I were twelve and still had a teddy bear, but I don't. I pulled one of the pillows off the bed and sat on the floor and held it for all I was worth.

I waited to hear the door close and latch; then I remembered he worked for Ranger. Part of the job requirement was to be like a puff of smoke and vanish at will. Somehow I'd gotten a pass on that particular job requirement.

It felt like I sat there for hours. Time kind of stands still when there's no outside stimulus, you know? There was no clock ticking, no radio or television playing, and no voices coming from the other side of the wall. Just me, my pillow and the little voice in my head screaming at me.

A tiny beam of light cracked through the doorway and I saw Ram with a glass of water and something in his hand.

"Will you say that again?" he asked. "I'm pretty sure I didn't hear you right."

"I think I love you," I whispered. "But all I do is take from you. You deserve someone who can give you everything. Please leave."

"Take these," he said holding out his hands.

Ever the obedient child, I accepted the pills and the water. Jesus. I was taking from him again. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"I still want you to leave," I said.

"No, you don't," he said. "You're wrong, very wrong."

"No, I'm not. You've done nothing but give to me since this whole thing started. You've been selfless, generous, amazing, kind and loving. I've been needy. Before you realize just how lopsided this whole thing is, I want to end it. When my heart breaks this time, there won't be enough glue to put the pieces back together."

"Like I said, you are wrong. You give me the intangibles, daily. You're acceptance of me, even when you didn't know it was me, was pretty heady stuff. I'd been shut down for several years and didn't think I needed anyone or anything in my life. I was living without feeling. You broke down my defenses a little at a time. I didn't realize how cold I'd been; I've become a better father and ex-husband since I've known you."

"That's what friends are for," I said. "Now, be a friend and lock up when you leave."

"Are you so convinced that I'm going to break your heart?" he asked not moving. He was big enough that even if I had the energy I couldn't hustle him out if I had to.

"Yes." It came out as a whisper.

"Why?"

"Because it seems like as soon as I surrender my heart and drop all of my defenses, someone breaks it. It happens every time and I can't let it happen again."

"Have you dropped your defenses again?"

"Yes." The word came out in a shuttering breath.

"For me?" he asked as he sank to his knees beside me.

"Yeah, pretty much. That's why I want you to leave. There won't be anyone there to put the pieces together for me when this is over."

"You know, you aren't being very fair to me."

"Maybe not. But this is the first time in my life I've been able to think about things before I got hurt. I hate getting hurt."

He kissed me softly and said, "I hate that you've been hurt so many times. I promise not to cause you any pain."

He moved the hair away from my face and lifted my chin so I'd have to look him in the eyes. It was a quiet contest of wills, neither of us wanting to break eye contact. The first one to look down, look away or blink would cause the silence to be broken.

"Will you let me take away your pain tonight? It seemed to work the last time," said the victor.

"M'kay," I said as I tried to get off the floor. I was tired and didn't want to fight.

We had an almost exact rerun of the last night we'd slept together. He got me comfy and relaxed on the bed and then he put his hand where I physically hurt the most. When most of the cramping was gone, I moved his hand and placed it over my heart. I hoped that he could fix that, too.

The next morning, he was still in bed when I woke. I realized what had been said and how stupid I must have sounded; I had no idea how he would cope with things. I ventured to the bathroom to get a drink of water, rinse my mouth and threaten my hair. I was about to go to the kitchen to turn on the coffee pot when I realized I wasn't the only one who was awake.

"Morning," he said gruffly. "Before you worry about work today, I called in for both of us last night."

"Excuse me? I don't get paid if I don't work. I've got at least two FTAs I'll need to catch today if I'm going to buy Christmas presents for anybody."

"I'll help you get your skips, if you come back to bed. Please?"

"I'm not tired," I said looking for an easy out.

"I am. All I've wanted for the last month is to hold you in my arms, please don't deprive me."

I crawled back into bed and lifted the blankets to take a peek at 'things'. Nothing was in the upright or locked position, so I realized he didn't have an ulterior motive.

"I want to make love to you," he said in muffled, muted tones. Evidently he'd forgotten I was dealing with the red plague.

"I don't enjoy it when I'm cramping," I said.

"I didn't say anything about sex, Stephanie. I want to make love to you." He rolled next to me and placed his hand on my belly. "You've still got some ugly cramps."

"How can you tell?" Other than by my charming wit and demeanor?

"Magic. Let me make them go away again, OK?"

"I still don't want to have sex right now."

"Making the pain go away is one way that I can make love to you," he said. "Are you always this cranky when you have your period?"

"Yep. Sorry."

"It's just something I'll have to get used to. Now you need to try to relax and be quiet for this to work."

After a couple of minutes he moved his hand away and rested it on my heart and left it there.

When I opened my eyes some time later, I saw him sitting up on the bed looking concerned.

"Are you OK now?"

"Much better, thanks. What exactly are you doing when you touch me like that?"

"I'm sending love into your body to heal your pain and discomfort," he said simply.

"You can do that?"

"Done it for years. You do palms, I do love. I just haven't sent concentrated love to anyone in a very long time. It's kind of like falling off a bicycle; you never forget the experience."

"And when you make love to someone?"

"Sexually, you mean?" he asked.

I nodded feeling a little foolish.

"Same thing, but a lot more intense."

No wonder he'd wanted to wait.

"I'm not ready now. I thought I was, but I'm not."

"I know. It doesn't change how I feel about you," he said. "Will you let me know when you are ready?"

"You probably think I'm a stupid female right about now."

"Nope. I think you need to know that just being you is enough. Everybody has foibles and flaws, no one is perfect."

No shit. Some days I think I stood in line twice when God was handing out imperfections.

"Will you let me fulfill some of your needs until I'm ready?"

"Only if you want to. I'm not pressuring you into or out of anything, Steph."

"I know. And for the record, I want to."

"OK, but not today."

We cleaned up and reviewed the two outstanding FTAs I had on my list. They were sisters in their late 20s arrested for shoplifting for shoplifting. Welcome to the holiday spirit, if you can't pay for it, help yourself. He didn't have any clean uniforms, but had a nice pair of jeans and sweater. Even though I knew he cleaned up nicely, it was still nice to see him not in the uniform du jour.

Neither woman had been arrested before and shared an apartment; nice and convenient for me. It would have been nicer if the bonds had been higher.

Normally, when it's my skip, I do the door knocking and speech thing. This time, I decided to let Ram take the lead. He knocked on the door, asked for the women and flashed a smile. Both exited the apartment and quick as a wink, we got them restrained. No muss, no fuss, no hassle.

A/N: Thank you, as always, for reading and reviewing … Alf.