CHAPTER SEVEN: Odd Behavior for All

Author's Little Note: I figured that after this chapter you might start to hate me. (If you haven't already, mwahaha...) The characters don't quite act like themselves but seriously, who doesn't like comical irony? Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect are in this chapter! Yaaaay! If you want a slash, I'm okay with it.

"571, 572, 573, 574, 575, 576, 577, 578, screw it."

Arthur observed upwards and to his disappointment only saw more stairs to go up. All morning long, he had been climbing up this troubling staircase. Four pastel green walls were surrounding him each a yard away from the banister that took shape of a long spiral. His legs were aching from climbing up five hundred and seventy-eight steps. The more he climbed the farther away he seemed from the top. How was this possible? Maybe the improbability drive sent him here. But it rarely took two hours until they had normality again. Besides he had figured out that he had climbed up more or less than fifty floors, the Heart of Gold wasn't that many floors.

Two hours ago is when he entered the room from one of the doors onboard the ship. He had never gone inside that room and was bored enough to uncover the mystery of what was inside it. Arthur went through the door and it locked itself tight from the outside. He thought he was trapped for good. There was no way out except going upstairs. There was nothing else in the room. Turns out, his idea was a really bad one.

Arthur sat down on the step he was on and cursed a few times. He was most likely stuck up here forever. Arthur Dent's death: On the 578th step when tested upon the impossible staircase. At least he didn't have a headache. He never wanted to go to heaven with a headache. His hands thumbed inside his robe pockets, he still had the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy with him. The information put in there was normally useless. Maybe, he wondered, an idiot like him wrote down something that would be of some help. He typed in impossible staircases:

"Most commonly found inside optical illusion books, where you cannot figure out whether or not the stairway is going upwards or down, you can bump into them with improbable circumstances. If you ever find yourself on either of these planets listed below you can visit them for they are extremely proud that they manipulated their form (Askulafarpom, Cheloks, Elp Treino, Aerowalsh, Wargagnonmorthmibed III, Sandplox"

Arthur read on through the long list of bizarre names of planets that he never heard of before. He found all of the names preposterous and none of them were peaceful sounding as Earth. He presumed on:

"These planets have dumbfounded hundreds of millions of people. Each and every one gave up trying, died, or went insane. One infamous creature, Trino Gravalloper from Sandplox, figured out how to reach the "bottom" of the staircase on the popular tourist site of the incredible Bottomless Stairs. He simply did it by jumping off. No one knows what happened to Trino. The news repeatedly reported that he died because they couldn't find his body as many stairs as they went down. They climbed down searching as many as 500,000 steps. There was no understanding where he went. Whenever they threw an object down it vanished out of sight and didn't reappear. They figured he was sucked into some perplexing vortex by his dare devilish act.

If you want to make your own impossible staircase you will need the following: Two identical five dimensional black holes, two extra-large mirrors (two-thirds the size of the black hole), one mirror five times larger than the black hole, two ten-or-more steps for your staircase, and constructive super duper glue.

The first step for doing this properly is harnessing the black holes in place. They should both be approximately two light years apart. Then connect the staircases to each of the two-third sized mirrors with the constructive super duper glue. When the staircases are dried onto the mirrors allow each of the black hole's gravitation force pull them inwards. Then put up the giant mirror (should have reflective mirror on both sides) and allow it to float in space parallel as you push the two black holes only five feet away apart from another. One black hole should be on top of the mirror and the other should be at the bottom. This is extremely difficult to do because you must put the black holes in the place at the exact same time or else one of the black holes will swallow the mirror. If you succeed then the black holes will rest there and cannot decide who should take it.

When you look into the mirror it bounces off the reflection of the parallel universe at the other end with the smaller mirrors within it. The staircase should still be attached and you can see that because of the mirrors it bounces back and forth infinitely creating an impossible staircase that has no beginning or end.

To some, impossible staircases are beautiful and full of surprises. These people are called stairlings who come to see the Universe's greatest and best architectural structures. Stairlings are normally amateurs but don't be surprised if you find one making a good profit. They fully understand the construction of creating them than anybody else does.

Impossible staircases are a work of art. They take many years of slow progress and when completed the accomplishment is magnificent. Many enjoy the features of impossible staircases."

'A work of art?' If something aggravating and confusing like this was resembled to a work of art than he must be a magnificent must-see fine work of art himself. Yes, Arthur Dent thought proudly: I must be more popular than the Mona Lisa. Just think, that was only on planet Earth! I wonder what universal artist painted some galaxy far away that even more people are inspired by. He experienced a special feeling about this and his insignificance was put aside. Yet he only survived off this emotion for five minutes and later caught insight of his stupidity again.

In the meantime, around the other areas of the spaceship, Ford Prefect was running. Not jogging but most sincerely running. Ford was not fond of runners; he for some reason undertook unfriendliness to runners. He would gaze at them on the sidewalks going five miles per hour like maniacs. What Ford desperately wanted to know was: what were they running from? Guessing, Ford tried to figure out where they first came from. This ended up being their home, either an apartment or house. Whichever runner stepped out wearing a sweatshirt and pants would carry along a music player in hand, water bottle in the other one, and then dash out. Rental prices and mortgages must have been shockingly high because Ford did not see any other relation to this behavior at all.

Ford was affected inordinately by his bad dream. This was why he was running. He knew he shouldn't have stayed up watching horror movies but he had nothing better to do. Ford was concerned that he was alone and the bad people in his dreams were going to torture him. First the threats, than the blood, and he imagined the awful pain. He experienced enough of his life for pain. Shouting aloud for anybody around, his dream became more realistic by the second. Ford really didn't want to be alone. His fears would vanish once he found someone to be with. But where were Zaphod and Trillian? What about Arthur?

"Arthur?" he ran shouting into one room.

"Trillian?" he rang into the other.

"Zaphod? Where is everybody?" Ford came to a stop when a couple minutes passed. There after, he did what he naturally did: don't panic. He sat down and immediately relaxed his body and soul.

"Hi there!" Eddie, the shipboard computer's energetic voice spoke up, "I picked up distressful tones from your voice. Do you need anything? Just name it!"

Ford almost laughed. He had just panicked. He had to admit it was very stupid. He was of course ashamed. Something must have been very wrong with him today. "So what did you think? I panicked. Rather a rare thing that happens."

"Yes, Mr. Prefect, is there anything I can do to make your day easier for you? Or at all, happier, cheerier, more self-satisfying, less stressful," Eddie was sure not to stop.

"Sure, tell me where the others are." He sat crossed legged, nearly about to do a little yoga to sooth his mind. Panicking was a waste of time.

"Mr. Beeblebrox is currently inside a virtual reality program and is enjoying himself with young, beautiful woman snacking on vanilla frozen grapes. While Ms. McMillan was accidentally sent inside the virtual reality program as well. She went to a cell with fearsome monsters. And you will find Mr. Dent swearing to himself on the five hundred and eighty-seventh step in the staircase room. He will not be finished until his exercise needs for the day are completed, which is the six hundredth step."

Ford stood up. It was time to take charge. Zaphod was getting too much attention and he didn't deserve it. He hated the fact that Trillian was being tortured. Since when did Arthur exercise? That didn't sound right.

"All right. Computer, can you send Zaphod and Trillian back from the virtual reality program and let Arthur out of the staircase room?"

"Sure can!" Eddie was thrilled he could do something useful. "Please wait one moment."

Ford waited. Out of thin air Zaphod and Trillian reappeared right in front of him. Trillian looked like she had experienced enough disgust and torture to vomit. Zaphod had his mouth ajar, waiting for another grape. Arthur was nowhere to be found.

"Can I have another grape?" Zaphod's eyes were closed.

"You idiot! Don't ever do something like that again!" she hit him on the head. Zaphod woke.

"What happened?"

Trillian walked away trembling. She was really irritated by him. The expression on Zaphod's face looked tired and hungry. Zaphod still didn't physically eat anything. At the moment Arthur walked into the room with sore, aching legs. He looked up at them and tried to shrug off what had happened to him earlier.

"What has everyone been doing while I was away?"

"I was eating but now I'm starving." Zaphod spoke feebly.

"I panicked," confessed Ford. "And Arthur, since when do you exercise?"

"As for me, I was nearly eaten by maggots." Trillian called from the kitchen.

Arthur nodded. What a strange day this had been and it wasn't just strange for him.