Kingdom Hearts: The Quest for the Holy Grail
King Mickey is on a quest—to find the Holy Grail! Also featuring Riku, Sora, Donald, Goofy, the Riku Replica, and Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfiction. Spoof of all things Monty Python.
A/N: Feh, this is mostly filler. I have Chapter Seven halfway written as I post this, so hopefully I will get it up soon. If you want more humor from me, I recommend my other KH humor fic, The Party from Hell. If you want humor from some other, more reliable source, I highly recommend anything written by Wolf McCloud-123, as well as the masterful Those Who Lack Spines, by Gexegee of Organization XI. There, my plugs are done for the day.
Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or Monty Python. I've tried to keep relevant dialogue as intact as possible while not fully forfeiting creativity (not to mention not looking like I'm plagiarizing), and let me tell you, it's tough. Cut me a break here.
Chapter 6: The Tale of Sir Donald
Defeat at the Heartless Fortress had utterly (terrible pun alert) disheartened (told you) our heroes. In order to more efficiently search for the Holy Grail, the six of them split into four teams: King Mickey and Sir Goofy, Sir Riku and Sir Travis (dun dun dun...), Sir Sora flying solo, and Sir Donald and his minstrels. Or to put it more accurately, his nephews.
Here follows...The Tale of Sir Donald.
Sir Donald walked through the woods, nervously clattering his own two coconut halves together. Behind him, Huey, Dewey and Louie sang their favorite song to bolster his courage. It went a little something like this...
Bravely, bold Uncle Donald rode forth from Disney Castle
He was not afraid to die, oh, brave Uncle Donald
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways
Oh, brave, brave, brave Uncle Donald
He was not in the least bit scared to be smashed into a pulp
And to have his eyes gouged out, and his wins broken
To have his webbed feet split and his body burned away
And served as Duck À L'Orange, brave Uncle Donald
Hid head smashed in, and his heart gouged out
And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off
And his beak split, and his...
Sir Donald interrupted his nephews, "Er, that's... that's enough music for a while, boys. It looks as though there's dirty work afoot."
Louie tried for one more verse. "Brave Uncle—"
"Shut up."
XxXxX
They passed a number of warning signs, all in triplicate, saying thing like, "Disney Castle, 43, Certain Death 1," "Beware," "Go Back," and "Dead People Only." Then they passed three knights all skewered to a tree on one lance, looking for all the world like some grisly shish kabob. Huey, Dewey, and Louie set the scene with appropriately eerie tension-building music. Suddenly, our trio came upon...CERBERUS!
"ROOARR," said Cerberus.
"EEEP," said Donald.
"COOL!" said the boys.
The large, three-headed dog sniffed the four intrepid adventurers, as dogs are wont to do. "They smell bad," said the first head, quite out of the blue and in an English accent, no less. "Really? I like it," said the middle head in reply. "But who are they?" the last head piped in.
"He is brave Sir Donald, brave Sir Donald, who—" Huey began, but Donald hastily stifled him.
Cerberus's heads looked suspicious, but Donald hastily explained, "Oh, nobody, really. Just passing through."
"What do you want?" the middle head demanded.
"To fight and—" Dewey sang, but was once again silenced.
"Shut up." To Cerberus, Donald added, "Nothing really, just to pass through, good Sir...um, Berus. I am a Knight of the Round Table."
Cerberus's ears perked up. "You are a Knight of the Round Table?"
"Y...yes?" Donald squeaked, praying that it was the correct answer.
The three heads looked at one another, and then began conversing in a series of growls, whimpers, and barks. Here follows a transcription: (Bold is Head One, italics are Head Two, and underline is Head Three.)
Well, for crying out loud.
In that case, we'll have to kill him.
Shall I?
Oh, I don't think so.
I'm not sure.
What do I think?
I think kill him.
Oh! Let's be nice to him.
Oh! Shut up!
Donald, mystified, tried to edge his way in. "Umm, excuse me?" he asked, but the heads were engaged in their own personal feud, and couldn't be bothered with the likes of him.
What did you tell me?
You're such a pain, always yapping on all the time, like a silly French poodle. You're a disgrace to our terrifying infernal name.
Well, I didn't ask for an editorial, Mister Beggin' Strips Breath. You know, it's not real bacon.
You liar!
Hate to tell you, Two, but Three is right. It's fakey synthetic preservative crap.
What do I have to live for now? Jerk. Maybe I'll go back to drinking out of the toilet again.
You said you quit for good!
Typical, can't put his tail where his mouth is.
Well, you'd know all about that, Mister Personal Hygiene. I've lost track of the times I've woken up with your head in our butt.
Boys, boys! Don't we have a duck to eat?
Oh, right, yeah, I'm starved!
But Sir Donald and his minstrels, mysteriously, were nowhere to be found.
XxXxX
"Brave Uncle Donald ran away!" sang his nephews with glee. Donald tried to shut them up. "I didn't!"
"Bravely ran away, away..."
"No, no, no!"
The boys launched into a seemingly pre-rehearsed song:
When danger reared its ugly heads
He boldly turned his tail and fled
Yes, brave Sir Donald turned about
And gallantly he chickened out
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat
Bravest of the brave, Uncle Donald
Petrified of being dead
Soiled his pants, then brave Sir Donald
Turned away and fled...
"I DIDN'T!" wailed Donald as they disappeared into the distance. "I don't even have pants!"
A/N: Not one of my better chapters, I admit, but this is really hard to adapt while maintaining the funny. Tell me how I did! You all are going to love the next chapter. It's my favorite.
Next Chapter: The Tale of Sir Riku. I'll leave you to guess.