Disclaimer: Torchwood isn't mine. Tosh isn't mine. Jamie… well, maybe she's mine, but I think she'd prefer not to be owned.

Tosh was quiet.

Quiet as we left the boardroom, quiet as we passed by the lower bit of the water tower sculpture, quiet as we reached the cog door.

She was quiet as we rode the lift up, quiet going through the upper tunnel, quiet going out through the tourist office outer door.

Quiet - so quiet, it hurt. Because I knew why she was so quiet. Because I knew that Owen was breaking her heart. And he didn't even care. He didn't even care - and at that moment, I kind of hated him for it.

I stood it as long as I could - but once we left Mermaid Quay, I couldn't bear it any longer.

"So Tosh," I broke in, perky and cheerful even though it wasn't what I felt.

"What did it mean, that you found a match between the energy signature of the Rift spike and Owen's scans of me?"

Inwardly I winced that I'd used Owen's name, but I couldn't think of any way to leave it out without it being even MORE awkward.

Seems she was as eager for a distraction from her brooding as I was.

"Well, I guess the biggest thing is, it's something we'd never noticed before."

"Really?"

"I'm not sure why, now it seems obvious that there would be some leakage from wherever our Rift gifts come from into our world whenever the Rift opens. But no one's ever said anything about it."

She stopped and thought about that.

"Well, I don't know if NO ONE has ever seen it, Torchwood's been around a while - but the only one who might know at all would be Ianto. He's the only one who really knows the archives."

"So, what could that mean? In practical terms, I mean - you said maybe you could use it to get me home?"

Did I want to get home? Of course I did, of course I wanted to get home to Zack, to Leanna, to Ben… but in the fresh clear Cardiff air (ok, not so fresh and clear, it was drizzling and chilly actually - but it felt so right, reminding me of how boring Los Angeles had been, with its perpetual sunshine and lack of anything resembling weather), it was hard to remember that I did, actually, want to leave.

"Oh, well - there's still a lot to figure out, but if we can comb through the data, isolate the various energy signatures from the main one coming from the Rift itself, and if Owen can scan the living organisms that have come through…"

She trailed off, staring into space.

I tried one more time.

"Then what?"

"Well," she was still distracted "if we could correlate the data, then maybe we could… you know…"

She fell silent again, and we just walked.

We walked.

Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer.

"You know, I loved someone once."

She startled, drew to a halt.

"I mean, besides Zack."

Glancing around, I saw that we'd reached her street - not that she knew that I knew that.

She stared at me, her eyes asking me to go on.

"He didn't really… well, I mean he didn't flat out tell me to go away, but the truth is, I was nothing to him. I mean, we dated - but he didn't love me. Didn't even like me that much, he was just a bit too much of a coward to tell me to go away."

"I, I don't understand."

"He… his heart had been broken when his former girlfriend - a mutual friend of ours, actually - she moved on to someone else without bothering to tell him the relationship was over."

"That's horrible!"

I laughed, sadly.

"I talked to her years later, turns out she hadn't even realized they WERE in a relationship. To her it was just casual sex with a housemate. He wasn't very good at letting on what he actually felt."

"So, what happened?"

"With me and Jacob?"

She nodded.

"I was there for him, started sharing life with him. We were both firefighters, he was the sound guy at his church, we had some mutual connections and I started going with him, even ran camera for the worship services. Eventually he invited me to meet his parents for Thanksgiving, and didn't contradict his brother when he referred to me as his girlfriend. We even talked about getting married. I loved him, and I thought we'd be happy forever."

She leaned back against the stone wall. I leaned back against the fence around the playground.

"It didn't last?"

"No, it didn't. I wanted it to - for ages I wanted it to. Some people hinted that I 'didn't have to settle,' or suggested that 'maybe you shouldn't rush to get married' if I mentioned being in love with him. Actually, looking back, I don't think anyone really thought it would be a good relationship, but no one would come out and tell me that how he was treating me wasn't right. I just thought maybe I wasn't doing a good enough job loving him and not being annoying."

"What do you mean?"

"Turns out, he didn't really like being around me, didn't want to be with me at all - but he didn't know how to back out, didn't know how to say "this isn't what I want"."

I ran y hands through my hair. It hurt, more than I thought it would.

"At least, years later he told me he knew i needed something he couldn't give me, but he was too afraid to say so. So he stayed with me, but tried to push me away."

I sighed, studied the mulch below. Why did remembering it hurt so much? It was past, forgiven and done with years ago. Except...

"Actually, that's probably where other me is right now, if I exist in this world. It was just about ten year ago we dated."

"Do you want me to find out? I could, you know."

"Yes - no - I don't know. Sure, it's probably useful."

"Can you tell me more?"

I sighed. I thought I'd wanted to, when i started telling her. Only now that I'd started, I didn't.

"I'll jot down some of the details for you to look up. I guess I don't want to go there after all."

She shrugged and started down the street. Something in her shoulders reminded me why I'd said anything in the first place.

"It's just - what I wanted to say…"

I hesitated, but it wasn't about me anymore. I realized it hurt not because I hadn't healed, but because she hadn't. I took a deep breath. She needed someone to tell her what no one had had the courage to tell me.

"I had to get to the point where I could say "I don't want to be treated this way," and let myself give him up. We'd already broken up, but I kept hoping and hoping, until one day…"

"What?"

"One day, someone else - a temporary flatmate whose opinion shouldn't even have mattered - this person said something cruel that hurt me, and I realized - that's exactly how I felt whenever I was with Jacob. And I decided that even if I had the promise of getting back together that day - if he didn't change, I didn't want it. I didn't want to feel like he made me feel, for the rest of my life."

"So what happened?"

"I went back to my flat, phoned another friend, asked him a 'crazy question' - we've been married eight years now."

I stood up from the fence, and started walking along her street. Tosh followed, a step behind. We crossed the street, and I waited as she unlocked the door to her house.

"Do you love him? Your other friend, i mean?"

"My husband, you mean?"

"Yeah. Do you ever feel like it was settling?"

"You mean because my heart still belonged to someone who couldn't value it?"

"Yeah."

It would be so easy to lie, so easy to give the easy happy answer. But Tosh deserved better.

I sighed.

"Sometimes, it did, yeah. It's never been easy, or wildly passionate between us. But what we've got - it's good. A lot better than if…"

I stopped.

"Thank if what?"

"I don't know." Suddenly I really didn't even want to think about it - there was too much new to even begin to think about old regrets. Only they weren't regrets. I knew there was no scenario where I ended up with Jacob and he didn't break my heart sooner or later.

And suddenly I was hit with the deepest fear - was I going to break Zack's heart the same way?

Tosh was staring at me - how long had I been standing there, lost in remembrance?

"Oh, sorry." I fumbled my hand through my hair.

"So, um, this is your house?"

"Yeah."

"Well," I gave a shaky laugh, "lead on, MacDuff."

So much for using my story to help with hers.

What was I going to do now?