Chapter 7
"Jake?"
His name on her lips. Jake froze as he watched a myriad of emotions flitter across her face. Her eyes were wide with shock and disbelief. Then her brow furrowed with confusion.
Bella couldn't breathe. How is this even possible? Jacob is supposed to be dead!
She wrapped her arms around her middle and her eyes filled with unshed tears. The hurt and betrayal in her dark chocolate eyes, that marred her perfect features was like a punch to his gut.
She looked at Leah next to her, and then she noticed Embry standing next to Jake, fear and worry etched on both their faces. This may not have been part of the plan, but both Jake and Bella were suddenly sure that there had definitely been a plan.
Bella took a single step forward. She swallowed hard around the lump in her throat. Part of her instinctively wanted nothing more than to run into his arms, to make sure he was real, to tell him...
She turned at that thought and fled, disappearing into the thick crowd of bodies.
Without a thought or question Jake followed. He shoved through the crowd, chasing her. Panic and fear and guilt churned violently in his gut, propelling him forward. The awful stench of vampire was fresh in the air and he had to fight to keep the wolf in check. If those fucking Cullens were here, he'd kill Edward this time. Fuck the consequences.
Finally, he pushed through the heavy back door into the dank alley. What was left of his mutilated heart broke at the sight in front of him.
Bella was doubled over, clutching her stomach, her shoulders heaved with angry violent tears. She fell to her knees and Jake surged forward. He wrapped his arms around her shaking frame.
Bella didn't even try to fight out of his embrace. The moment his warm familiar strength and scent surrounded her, she turned and buried her face in the thin cotton of his shirt. Bella's fingers clung to the fabric, twisting and pulling herself closer as her tears soaked through his shirt.
"I'm so sorry, Bells," he whispered, his voice was thick and cracked on her name.
He never thought that fucking bloodsucker deserved her or her tears. But he knew in that moment he didn't either. He was a coward. He'd left. He'd abandoned her. Lied to her. He'd broken every promise he'd ever made to her. What happened to fighting for the girl you love? What happened to maybe even then?
Leah and Embry walked outside and Jake stood up holding Bella to his chest. He didn't bother to hide the tears that streaked down his face.
"Where—" he took a deep breath, but before he could speak, Leah and Embry seemed to understand what he needed, what he was asking.
"We took her car. I'll drive," Leah said, already walking toward the car. "Em? I'll follow you?"
"Yeah."
Without another word, Jake followed Leah and climbed into the back seat, Bella still securely in his arms. As fucked up as the situation was, he'd never felt more right.
~000~
There was an unspoken agreement to go to Jake's apartment. The drive was relatively short. Jake didn't loosen his grip and despite her eyes being closed, neither did Bella.
Her body-wracking sobs had dissolved into hiccupping. Each time her breath stuttered with the after effects of her crying, Jake winced. Seeing this fresh new pain, that he caused, this close, was worse than seeing her all those months after Edward. Worse than watching her from afar for three years.
Worse than a million more days without her.
When they finally arrived at Jake's apartment, he carried her inside, to his room, without bothering to look at Embry and Leah. He closed the door to his room with enough force that Leah and Embry knew he wanted to be left alone. They decided to wait outside.
Jake's emotions were everywhere. He gently laid Bella down on his bed and then turned away. Jake fought the intense urge to lie next to her. To pull her to him. To kiss her. To beg for forgiveness. For the reprieve and resolution only she could offer.
Hands clenched at his sides he told himself, No. I don't deserve it.
Bella's crying had stopped. She felt numb as Jake had laid her onto a soft mattress. She didn't know where she was. She didn't care. She could feel the tension in the room. Jake's emotions were so thick in the air they were choking her.
He started to leave.
Bella sat up and grabbed his wrist. Despite the fact that he could easily have escaped her grasp, he stilled instantly.
"You're leaving?" she asked indignantly. Hurt and confusion and anger laced her words.
Jake sat on the edge of the bed. He leaned forward, with an elbow on his knee he ran a hand through his hair and leaned his head into his hand. His other arm stayed outstretched behind him, Bella's tiny fingers gripped his forearm.
She didn't know what to say. Or where to even start. She was angry. Hurt. Betrayed.
And so consumed and overwhelmed with relief and—
What? Happiness? No not exactly. Whatever this unnamed emotion was, it burned bright in her chest, flooded her gut, and made her grip on his arm tighten until her knuckles turned white.
She tried to tamp down the urge, but it was a futile effort. Bella threw her arms around Jake, catching him by surprise. His arms automatically wrapped around her waist, and he hid his face against the gentle curve of her neck.
Jake breathed in her familiar scent. A little flowery and sweet, and earthy and natural.
"Jake," she whispered. Over and over again she whispered his name as they clung to each other. She finally pulled back, just enough to see his face. She was on her knees next to him. He looked up into her eyes, gently waves of her hair falling haphazardly around her face.
The air between them was thick with unspoken words. He nervously licked lips instantly drawing her attention. Soft and full. She vividly remembered those lips, wrought with a desperate passion against her own, coaxing her to admit what he'd already know to be true.
Her pulse picked up its pace. Bella's hand slowly came to frame his face. Pressed against him, his arm draped around her, her eyes darted between his eyes—dark, deep and intoxicating—to his lips—soft, full, and inviting.
In an instant three years of distance vanished. For one long moment Bella felt as if she was transported back in time. She could almost imagine she was in his bedroom in La Push, kneeling next to him on his too small bed. Making the decision she should have made.
But, the look in his eyes stopped her. There was a deep sadness. Pain, regret, guilt? She wasn't completely sure, but it wasn't the easy love and adoration she'd once known. The difference was jarring enough to bring reality crashing back down.
Jake sighed and leaned his forehead against hers. Bella's body tensed and the moment she pulled away, out of his reach, his heart crumbled a little more.
Bella looked around to the room she was in, trying to distract her racing mind. Trying to find her bearings and organize her thoughts.
The walls were a stark white. No pictures. No posters. The bed she was sitting on was simple and plain, the sheets a rumpled black mess of cotton. There was a small wood dresser with four drawers. A few coins, an empty condom wrapper, and a set of keys littered the top.
Bella's swallowed the disgust and instant possessiveness that came over her at the sight of the empty wrapper. She turned away, her eyes finding the open closet. It was very bare. A few shirts and pants. Not the overflowing mess she knew of Jake's childhood room in La Push.
His room. Realization dawned on her. This is his room. She looked around again. Despite its bareness, it looked decidedly lived in.
"You've been here the whole time," she blurted. It wasn't a question.
Jake leaned forward on his elbows and hung his head in his hands. "Yes."
Bella say in stony silence for several minutes, unable to process. Finally, he looked up.
"I don't understand," she stated. Bella's voice raised two octaves and fresh tears welled in her already red-rimmed eyes. "I don't understand!"
Jake pressed his lips together and turned to her. He reached for her hands, but stopped when she flinched. Instead his hands landed flat on the mattress, on either side of her legs.
His eyes searched hers for a moment before he spoke. "I lied to you, Bells. I never—"
"Don't call me that!" she screeched. Her cheeks were flushed and angry tears slid down her face.
Bella jumped up from the bed and headed for the door. Jake grabbed her arm and Bella whipped around. Anger and betrayal lit up her eyes and reddened her whole face.
"Don't you dare touch me!" she screamed through the new onslaught of tears. "I thought you were dead!"
Jake refused to drop his hand from her arm, even as she struggled against his grip. Instead he grabbed her other arm, and turned her to face him.
In some sick way, even though the hate in her eyes pained him, he was relieved to see it there. He deserved it.
But it didn't stop the words from spilling from his mouth.
"Bella, I'm so sorry," he said. "I never should have left. I never should have let him talk me into—"
Clarity unclouded her eyes. "Him?"
Jake didn't answer. As easy as it would be to blame it on the bloodsucker, it didn't feel right to minimize his part in all this.
"I left. I abandoned you."
"OH MY GOD! Edward convinced you to lie to me? To make me think you were dead!?"
She wrenched away from him and turned her back. Her hands balled into fists at her side.
"Bella, please, let me explain."
Shaking with violent rage, she didn't move. She struggled to even speak. "How?"
He swallowed and spoke fast, terrified she would leave. "Edward and the vamp doc came to me the day after I got hurt. They told me the only way to protect you was for you to leave. They said the little one had seen—"
"Alice?" Bella turned to face him again. Her brow scrunched.
Jake nodded. "Yeah. They said she had seen the Volturi destroying the pack, the whole tribe. You."
Bella was trying to piece it all together. He could see her wheels turning. "What exactly did he say?"
The heat of anger was still painted on her flush cheeks and simmering in her dark eyes. But there was a sudden focused calculating coldness that changed her features. Jake was so thrown by the abrupt shift Bella's demeanor, he just stared blankly at her.
A hundred million thoughts whirled in her mind. Bella tried to latch onto one. To make sense of everything.
"Jake," she said cautiously, biting her lower lip. "Alice was at the club tonight."
His brow furrowed. "I—"
"Smelt her?"
Jake nodded.
Bella puckered her lips in thought and her eyebrows knitted together.
"Do you remember the night Alice came back?"
Jake's eyes widened. "I've already thought about this, Bella. Alice couldn't have seen the whole pack get destroyed. I realize now that he was lying about that."
"But?"
"He said, you would die! That they would come for you!" Breathing hard, Jacob stepped closer. "I know she could have seen the wolves get destroyed, but—"
"She wouldn't have been able to see me if I was with the wolves, Jake." Bella said calmly, sadly. "Which is probably why she was there tonight. Maybe she saw me when Leah wasn't close by, then saw me disappear at some point tonight."
"But why—"
Jake wasn't dense. He felt like he knew why. But he needed to hear her say it.
"Just like when you pulled me out of the water. "
"No, I get that. I mean why three years ago would you have disappeared? He said, Alice saw the Volturi coming. That the whole pack would get destroyed and you would die. Even if—"
"Jake," Bella softly interrupted. She stepped closer. The look she gave him then was so full of sadness and regret. "Why would I have been with the wolves instead of Edward?"
Jake swallowed hard. "I don't—"
"I wanted to choose you."
Everything stopped. All air was sucked from the room. Jake just stared at her for several long minutes, unable to breathe, unable to move.
"I can't be certain, but I think that night after I left you, my future must have been chaotic for Alice to see. I thought I knew my own heart before, but I was wrong. I cried all night. Sometimes I would think about what would happen if I choose you. And sometimes I would remind myself of the life I'd have with Edward. Maybe she did see the Volturi coming, and then maybe I kept disappearing. They were wrong for not telling me, but it doesn't surprise me."
Tears stung his eyes and burned the back of his throat. Fresh ones carved new tracks into her skin. When she spoke again her voice shook, flames of betrayal and anger licked her irises.
"But you. You left me. You gave up. You promised you never would. Maybe that's selfish of me. But I needed you!"
"Bells, I'm sorry. I thought..." Jake sighed in frustration. "I don't know what I thought. I thought you deserved better. A life without all the monsters and magic. I—"
"You abandoned me! And then watched me suffer for three years!" she screamed. "You saw the way that your death destroyed me and you just stood by and did nothing! Its worse than when Edward left me!"
"I thought I was protecting you!" Jake yelled back. His temper flared. Was she the only one destroyed? "You broke my fucking heart! I thought I was protecting you!"
"The Jake I knew, the Jake I loved, never would have left me to protect me!"
"I didn't have a choice Bella!" But the argument was weak even to him. He was losing her all over again. Desperate, Jake took her face in his hands. "I'm so sorry Bella. I was so stupid, please don't—"
She shook her head and stepped out of his embrace. Through her tears, she said, "There's always a choice Jake. You taught me that."
Bella walked out. Jake let her go.
Broken, he fell to his knees and covered his face with his hands, letting the loss and grief consume him.
~000~
Outside, Embry and Leah were silent when Bella came through the front door demanding her keys.
"Bella," Embry tried. "I know you're hurt, but—"
"No, Embry. You don't know," she said turning on him. "But he does! And he did nothing!"
"Bella, he's here. He's always been right here with you. He left his home, his friends, and his family."
Bella shook her head, unable to see anything but her own hurt and betrayal. "But you knew," she said softly.
Embry nodded. "Yeah, I did. I'm sorry I let this go on. Alpha's orders be damned. I'm trying to make it right."
Bella snorted and walked off.
"What about me Bella?! What about Billy and Quil and the pack?!" he shouted after her. "You were my friend too! You left us too!"
Bella froze. She didn't yell or turn around. But she knew they all—even Jake probably—could hear her.
"Maybe you're right. I made a mess of everything to begin with. But it's too late to fix it now," she sighed, her anger fading into despair. "Maybe it always was."