When Lan XiChen heard a swear interrupt his meditation, which if he was honest had already been interrupted by the imagined conversation he was having with Jin GuangYao because damn if that man would allow him to pursue any kind of righteousness even after death, he didn't even really have to ask. "JingYi?"

The boy sheepishly opening the door. He was carrying a squirming brown rabbit in his arms. "I tripped over it and now I think its paw is hurt and HanGuang-Jun will kill me."

"He will not." Lan XiChen rose, examining the poor bunny, which tried to bite him. Damn you. "Nothing a little ointment won't fix." It was just a scrape.

JingYi heaved a sigh of relief. He clutched his knees, crouching down over the rabbit.

"You were coming here anyways?" Lan XiChen inquired, digging through his satchel to pull out the ointment. The boy kept stroking the rabbit's ears, mumbling apologies.

JingYi nodded.

Lan XiChen knelt, rubbing ointment into the bunny's foot. The animal glared at him, lips trembling in fury, as if to say that Lan XiChen was not WangJi and therefore was an imposter.

Well, sorry.

"How long with HanGuang-Jun and Wei WuXian be gone for?" asked JingYi.

"I'm not sure." Lan XiChen regarded the boy. Why do you keep coming to me? I'm hardly the sort you want to turn to for advice. Shamed for trusting the wrong people, being tricked into killing the person I cared for, and oh, I'm a cut-sleeve too.

He knew why JingYi kept coming, didn't he? Jin Ling had Jiang Cheng, and SiZhui was basically Wei WuXian and HanGuang-Jun's son. JingYi was looking for someone to look up to. But I can hardly mentor you. Jiang Cheng would be better.

"If I tell you something can you not tell your uncle?" asked JingYi.

Lan XiChen froze. The rabbit glowered, lips rising as if threatening another bite. He resumed his ministrations. "It depends. If it compromises safety or the honor of our sect, then no."

"Honor," snorted JingYi. "What the fuck does—I'm sorry—what the—what does that even mean anymore? HanGuang-Jun's gone and married the Yiling Patriarch and everyone's happy for them. I am too. They love each other. But so many people, like my parents, regard that as shameful but I can't—I can't see it like that. They love each other. They're both good people and they care about being righteous."

Wei WuXian would probably fall over dead if he heard that. Lan XiChen wondered whether he'd be pleased or horrified. Likely both.

"So I don't even know what that means!" JingYi finished, scowling. The bunny turned to him, rubbing his head on JingYi's palm. "We have four thousand rules and I still don't know what it means to be righteous. I'm a bad Lan—"

A small chuckle rose in in Lan XiChen. The young really do lead the elders, sometimes.

"What? Why are you laughing?" JingYi frowned, tugging at his unruly ponytail.

"You are being righteous," said Lan XiChen simply. "Right now. You're asking yourself what is right and what is wrong, and you're weighing things. You don't think HanGuang-Jun and Wei WuXian's relationship is anything but righteous, do you?"

JingYi's mouth opened and closed. He swallowed. "It's good."

"Why?"

"Because… they love each other and it makes them happy, and—"

"What is not righteous," Lan XiChen said. "Is hurting other people. And hurting yourself, because you are a person too. It's hard to know, so you have to constantly change, whether based on circumstances or—you have to be open." I think.

JingYi blinked. "So in some cases the rules wouldn't apply?"

"It's more like the spirit would apply," Lan XiChen corrected. Or am I just saying this to feel better about myself? He had no idea.

"Well, yesterday, at the fight," JingYi said. "It started because Jin Chan called SiZhui a cut-sleeve and implied he had feelings for Jin Ling, and Jin Ling was basically gonna skewer him."

Lan XiChen winced.

"He probably said it because of HanGuang-Jun and Wei WuXian," said JingYi. "So is that hurting people?"

"It would be hurting themselves to deny it," replied Lan XiChen. "And it isn't as if it's as uncommon as people—"

"Yeah, but—" JingYi's face reddened. "You knew about your brother? For—a long time? And you kept it a secret?"

Lan XiChen's head was spinning. Where was this going? Why were kids so confusing? "Yes."

"SiZhui does have feelings for Jin Ling," JingYi blurted out. "I know he does. He's not good at hiding it, but he's not going to like—harass Jin Ling—but I—" He clapped his hands over his mouth. "You won't tell, right? Since it's not hurting, so no honor is at risk—"

Lan XiChen's mouth hung open. "No, no, of course not." SiZhui?

Well, he thought with a wry smile. Uncle is going to experience another generation of his best disciples disappointing him.

And, of course, SiZhui's heritage only complicated things. Lan XiChen remembered Jiang Cheng calling him a good influence for Jin Ling. Would that still stand?

It should.

"I don't think Jin Ling would feel the same and it frustrates me because—I don't want SiZhui hurt! He's my best friend! He's my brother, or he might as well be, and he—" JingYi curled his fists. "I don't know what to do or say to help him."

Lan XiChen swallowed. All those years watching the sorrow stirring in WangJi's eyes. When he arrived at the Cloud Recesses with Master Mo, for the first time in thirteen years, Lan XiChen saw that sorrow gone. He'd never guessed it was because Mo XuanYu was now Wei WuXian.

"I want him to be happy," JingYi whispered. "And I'm worried about what Lan QiRen would say. And I'm worried about what Jin Ling would do if he found out. And so SiZhui will probably never say anything because it isn't right or whatnot, but then he'll be miserable."

Was this what it was like for his uncle? Watching his proteges repeat their father's mistakes. But… WangJi hadn't. He was living now.

I want to live, too. I want to come out of seclusion.

What if I haven't learned enough?

I've learned nothing at all, if I'm honest. Besides that I loved Jin GuangYao. And now his every waking through was tinged with that knowledge, or illuminated by it, depending on his mood.

"Let him know," said Lan XiChen. "That you are his brother, and you will support him in his quest for—happiness." Why is righteousness so separate from that? Can't they be the same thing, with a little care and work? Don't we all want them? "And if you want my advice," he added. "A lack of communication between my brother and the Yiling Patriarch—well, Wei WuXian appears to have truly thought my brother disliked him and wanted to punish him. Jin Ling at the very least doesn't appear to think that of SiZhui." There's some progress there, isn't there?

JingYi frowned. "You think he should tell him?"

"I don't know," Lan XiChen said honestly. His chest throbbed. "I just—know that things left unsaid have a way of tearing a person apart." Like the holes curse, the one Su She cast on Jin ZiXun to start all of this.

Because things left unsaid between him and Jin GuangYao didn't make him feel full.

They made him feel empty.

Lan WangJi rose before Wei WuXian and readied their things. He knew what his husband would say when he woke—well, after he had food anyways.

Home.

Wei Ying hadn't had a home since Lotus Pier burned down. He wasn't welcome anywhere, dragging around the stench of his own self-sacrifice and the dead with him. And Lan WangJi wanted, more than anything, to make a home for him. He knew he was WuXian's home, wherever they went, but he wanted the Cloud Recesses to be home as well.

And if Jiang Cheng would ever get over himself, maybe Lotus Pier as a secondary home. Maybe.

Lan WangJi had never really appreciated the value of a home until his mother died. And then Lan WangJi remembered standing outside, waiting for her door to open, for her to welcome him with a hug and a laugh, teasing him for his oh-so-serious expression, patting him on the head, and being unable to comprehend how cold the Cloud Recesses were after she was gone. Lan XiChen was the only one who smiled at him on the regular.

Until Wei WuXian popped in, bouncing around like a flippant, errant brand of whatever, grinning at him, playing trick after trick on him, and he didn't understand how someone could do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, and how a part of him flickered with jealousy anyways, because the boy's zest for lift was contagious. Even if Jiang Cheng outwardly scowled and complained, Lan WangJi could see how much he looked forward to his brother's antics. And Lan WangJi looked forward to them, too. Wei WuXian didn't fear Lan WangJi and keep his distance, whisper about how righteous he was and regard him as a pillar instead of a person. He kept trying to make a sinner out of Lan WangJi, unaware just how much he was succeeding just by virtue of being his prankster self.

He knew from their time in the library. He muted Wei WuXian, but he couldn't really mute him, because Wei WuXian never stopped trying to reach him.

His uncle had dragged him aside one night, lecturing him. "Stop focusing on Wei WuXian!"

Panic flared inside Lan WangJi. Had Lan QiRen realized? "He's obnoxious—"

"Yes, and if you ignore a pest, they go away!"

And irritation surged up in Lan WangJi, but not at Wei WuXian, but rather that Lan QiRen called him a pest.

He'd punished Wei WuXian so harshly that time as a way of punishing himself. It was fitting he had to kneel too, receive the strikes, but he saw the fear in Wei WuXian's eyes and knew the boy hadn't a malicious bone in his body. He didn't want Lan WangJi to be hurt. And he wanted Wei WuXian to be righteous. I don't want you hurt! If you don't follow the rules, people will—people will—

It was fitting, karmic really, when his brother sent Wei WuXian to recover in the baths. A punishment for Lan WangJi, under the guise of helping. As Wei WuXian stripped, jumping into the water and swimming around, offering to be friends, Lan WangJi's heart was beating so loudly he feared Wei WuXian could hear it. He tore his eyes away, refusing to look, thanking every energy around that the water was so cold his body couldn't flood his face with blood.

I can't be your friend.

It'll lead you into sin.

You wouldn't be my friend either, if you knew how I felt. I don't deserve it.

I'm so dirty.

But when Wei WuXian pranced away, he felt clean. When he tore his hair ribbon away at the archery competition, he felt free, even though he immediately felt the weight of all the rules carved into the rocks falling onto him, pulverizing him. Why am I the worst sinner of all?

Follow the rules. Follow them. You will be righteous. You are working hard. You will get there. You will.

And when Wei WuXian was sent away for fighting with Jin ZiXuan, Lan WangJi had to admit it to himself.

You aren't this way because you're uncaring.

You're like this because you care too much for others.

He remembered waking up in the Cloud Recesses and wanting to bash his head against a wall, worrying he should seclude himself already, because he woke up hard, a dream of another man in his arms, sharing alcohol with him, laughs, a gentle kiss. Lan XiChen worried aloud for Lan WangJi as he threw himself into his studies, trying harder and harder, reaching and reaching, and still that bright sunlight, the righteousness he wanted, was too slippery.

It had never been a formed thing in the first place, but he did not know it then. All he knew was that he didn't want the approval in Lan QiRen's eyes to fade to ash, and he did not want to demean his father or mother's memories, his very existence. He owed them, he owed them all.

He wished he could care less, like Wei WuXian.

Am I righteous enough yet? Do I deserve to exist? Did my mother deserve to die? Did she deserve forgiveness? Mother, Father, Uncle—help me!

In the Cloud Recesses, following the orders meant a burned library, and he ran forward, refusing to move when he was ordered to stand aside, because the books that were his friends in his brother's absence and even more since Wei WuXian had left were there. The rules, funnily enough, never addressed what would happen if two rules contradicted each other. Submit to authority, and honor tradition. What if authority butchered? What if tradition was a rope? What if?

These were the sort of questions Wei WuXian would ask.

He remembered a swarm of Wen Sect guards charging him, the snap and twist of burning pain as his leg broke. In the cave with the monster tortoise, where following the rules would have led to death, the death of an innocent named MianMian. And leaving Wei WuXian to receive his punishment meant Wei WuXian died alone on the Burial Mounds.

The moment he heard Wei WuXian playing WangXian on Dafan Mountain, he felt something surging through him, something he hadn't felt in thirteen years. A desperation. Please don't lose yourself again.

I don't want to lose you again.

As much as I can help it, you won't be alone. And I'll make sure you know it, this time. I won't leave. I won't scorn you. I won't even lecture you.

I just want to be with you.

And so he'd leaped in front of Zidian when Jiang Cheng sent the whip flying at them. And when Wei WuXian ran anyways, he wanted to scream out, but he still couldn't make a sound. But when the whip didn't work, when Wei WuXian climbed to his feet still in Mo XuanYu's body, acting indignant, he realized. You didn't possess anyone.

Are you glad to be alive, still?

He soon realized he was, but if Wei WuXian hadn't been, Lan WangJi would have tried to show him life again. The moment the joke about being attracted to HanGuang-Jun came out, he knew Wei WuXian was still himself, and he knew that he remembered what happened in the cave after the Nightless City. He knew Wei WuXian's cruel mocking of his attraction was really just to sacrifice himself again, trying to shove Lan WangJi away to protect him. He knew Wei WuXian was not malicious.

Except he'd been completely wrong about the memories, the mocking. Wei WuXian had no recollection of that day, and no idea that Lan WangJi even liked him, much less loved him.

"What are you thinking?" mumbled Wei WuXian, waking up.

"Hm?" Lan WangJi glanced down at his stirring husband.

"You have a contemplative look on your face." Wei WuXian pushed himself up on his elbows. A strand of hair stuck to his cheek.

Lan WangJi plucked it away. "Do you want to go home?"

Wei WuXian nodded. "Jiang Cheng will be mad we weren't gone longer." He exhaled. "And made no progress."

"We did. We ruled out Nie HuaiSang."

"Mmph."

When they landed in the Cloud Recesses, Lan WangJi's ears immediately picked up the sound of bickering. And it did not sound like teenage bickering, though the three boys were huddled behind a thick bush, listening to the ruckus.

Lan WangJi and WuXian exchanged a glance, hurrying. Lan XiChen stood in front of Lan QiRen, whose face was swelling more purple than the color of Jiang Cheng's robes. Jiang Cheng stood between them, his finger rubbing Zidian.

"You're back!" Jiang Cheng exclaimed, almost choking on his words. But there was a glow to his words. He cleared his throat. "We weren't expecting—"

"Nie HuaiSang isn't involved," said Lan WangJi. WuXian's gaze darted between his uncle and both of their brothers. "What is going on?"

"I was telling Uncle that I wish to end my seclusion," stated XiChen. He met WangJi's eyes, and there, for the first time, was the smoke of shame.

Do you think I would judge you for this?

"Your desire to end it shows you have not properly—"

"In all due respect, he's a sect leader," cut in WuXian. WangJi cringed. "He can make his own—"

"I am still his elder!" Lan QiRen's finger jabbed out at WuXian. WangJi took a step forward, wishing he could shield his husband from the words that were surely coming. Words were the sneakiest weapon of all. "You are—you are the least worthy person to speak on this! You know no concept of shame!"

"I'm aware; try again," WuXian replied. A lie.

Stop asking him to verbally flog you to protect my brother and yours! Because WangJi knew Lan QiRen would be all too happy to oblige.

"Your influence encourages insubordination and no matter how everyone's scorn seems to have shifted to LianFang-Zun, I haven't forgotten your—"

"If I may, Lan QiRen," interrupted Jiang Cheng. He bowed respectfully. "Seeing as ZeWu-Jun's—ignorant mistakes, not done in cruelty—were fundamentally affecting my family in terms of harm, should my opinion not matter? I think ZeWu-Jun can offer Jin Ling quite a bit of worthwhile instruction while we are here. I would like to see him end his seclusion and instruct the boy."

WangJi's mind churned. So Jiang Cheng was actually helping Wei WuXian? You do love him.

Good.

"I—suppose—" Lan QiRen clenched his fists. He cast Wei WuXian a disgusted look. "Very well, then. XiChen, your judgement was until recently impeccable. I'm going to trust you here."

"Thank you, Uncle," Lan XiChen said quietly. A bird chirped from the trees above them, a cheerful melody.

No one moved just yet.

The song stopped.

"Uncle," said Lan WangJi. His heart pounded like he was drunk. With what he was about to say, he might as well be. "Do not treat my husband like this again."

WuXian's mouth fell open. "Lan Zhan!"

Jiang Cheng stumbled back. XiChen clasped his face.

"What?" Lan QiRen's eyes bore into him.

"You've been nothing but rude to Wei WuXian since he was studying here," said Lan WangJi. "You allowed me a second chance, you're about to allow XiChen one—why won't you allow him one? What has he really done besides not worship the ground you walk on? Isn't pride forbidden in our sect's—"

WuXian was wheezing, his fingers covering his mouth. Lan WangJi heard rustling from the bushes. The juniors. Great.

Why not go the full way, then?

"I love him," WangJi said. "I will not let him suffer the same fate my mother did, alone forever with her mistakes until she died, only seeing her children once a month and my father whenever he could face her and himself. He saved her life, but what life was that? Wei Ying has another chance at life and I want it to be a good one. I want a good one for myself, too—and by good I mean righteous, too."

Lan QiRen's eyes flashed. His voice cracked. "I see you've been bitter at me since your childhood."

"No. That's not it at all." But Lan WangJi didn't know how to convince him. If he could even try. J

Jiang Cheng and XiChen looked at each other like they wanted to fly away on their swords.

"People let people down. I let you down. He let me down. I let him down. But I love him. If you believe in redemption, it should apply to all, or to no one." He tightened his grip around Bichen. His uncle glared at him like he'd stabbed him in the back.

"Lan QiRen," whispered WuXian.

"You, shut up!"

"No, I won't!" cried out WuXian. "I mean, I will after this, but—I am sorry. I am sorry I didn't listen to you, I am sorry I made you feel disrespected, I am sorry you feel I stole your nephew from the righteous path. But I assure you he does what he wants to do, and when he makes up his mind, there's no stopping him. He's stubborn, just like you." He bowed.

Bow? You're bowing? He just insulted you!

Lan QiRen trembled. Probably from rage. His gaze surged through all four of them. Lan WangJi refused to hunch a shoulder, give him anything that suggested fear. And then Lan QiRen stalked off.

"WangJi," whispered Lan XiChen.

I never had to pretend, to strive, to be enough for you, WuXian. I saw that when you kept trying to entice me to be your friend even though I made my displeasure in your conduct obvious. I never had to earn.

He glanced to Jiang Cheng. You never had to, either, and yet you're angry about it. But you do love your brother.

Please.