Letting Go

By habit Esumi found herself back on the first floor, running into her old room. She stopped short, in front of the bed that used to be hers. It was bare now, with nothing on it but a mattress. She stared at it, wondering why she was being so emotional today. That was the second time she had run out of a room crying. Wasn't this supposed to be a happy day for her? She had passed her Harrowing, so why did it seem like everything was going wrong today? There was no reason for her to be feeling like this.

Slowly she took in deep breaths and wiped her eyes. There would be no more crying today. She would make sure of that, at least.

"Esumi, what are you doing here?" Esumi turned around to see Kinnon staring at her with confusion. "Didn't you get moved to the mage's quarters upstairs?"

"Oh, yes," Esumi said hoping her face wasn't horrible looking and that she had wiped the evidence from her eyes away good enough. She apparently did, as Kinnon didn't seem to say anything. "I was just looking for Jowan."

"Oh, he's not here," he answered. "I don't know where he went."

"That's all right. I'll go look for him elsewhere then." Esumi made her way out of the room and away from Kinnon's suspicion that was starting to cross his face. Maybe he had noticed something.

When she went through the door, as was also habit, she glanced over in the direction that would have been where Cullen stood. As before, the same new templar was still there. He was checking out his fingernails instead of really paying attention to anything. Esumi wondered if all templars were like that at some point. They had to have gotten bored from just standing there all day.

Ignoring the new templar, she began making her way to the younger apprentice quarters down the hall. She wanted to know if Keiven had returned yet, to make sure he was all right and hadn't gotten caught. When she entered the room, she went straight to his bed, only to find it empty. She knew that it more than likely would be, but it didn't stop her from feeling disappointed. She still couldn't believe Jowan had allowed this. Keiven wasn't supposed to be snatching keys from the knight-commander's office. He was suppose to be practicing his shield spells. Shield spells were one of Keiven's weakest talents, and he needed to work on them. But Esumi did know how well Keiven was with sneaking around. He was probably the best mage when it came to stealth. He would always be able to find things out before they were announced. In fact, it was he who told Esumi and Jowan about Ostagar even before Irving could say anything.

"Hello, Ms. Esumi, how are you today?" she heard a voice say behind her. Esumi turned around to find herself facing two young girls. They both held books in their hands and looked up at Esumi with fascination.

"Hello girls, I'm doing just fine, thank you."

"We heard that you passed the Harrowing with a new record," said the first girl. She was the one who had spoken before. "And we just wanted to come over and congratulate you."

"That's very sweet of you."

"You're welcome," said the second. "We hope that when we go in for our Harrowings that we can do just as good as you."

"Keep studying and you will," said Esumi. "So do any of you happen to know where Keiven is?"

The two girls looked at each other then shook their heads. "Nope," said the first.

"Haven't seen him all day," the second commented.

"Oh, well, thank you anyway. I guess I'll go look for him some place else. Thank you again, girls, but I should get going." Esumi was about to leave when she noticed the girls whispering to each other, one more forceful than the other. She could hear the first trying to convince the second to ask her something. "Girls," she said putting her hands on her hips. "If you want to ask me something then go right ahead. I won't bite your head off, you know."

The girls stopped their whispering and looked at her before the second one finally spoke. "Well, Mary-" the other girl gave her a hard nudge in the ribs "-I mean, we, wanted to know where that cute templar went that was just outside your door. I mean, there he was yesterday, and now today he got replaced with a nose picker. You don't happen to know where he went, do you?"

Esumi had to fight hard to keep herself from laughing. Were these girls serious? "You do realize, girls, that you shouldn't be thinking of templars that way."

"We know," said the second girl. "But he was really cute."

"Cute or not, templars are here to perform a duty, not to indulge young girls with their fantasies. Just try and forget about him and focus on your studies."

"Oh," Mary sighed. "I guess you're right."

"Hey, didn't Angie say something about Derrick being into you, or something?" said the second girl.

"Yeah, but Derrick is ugly. He's got that big nose."

"Aren't you girls a little young to be into boys?" Esumi asked.

The girls began giggling, covering their mouths. "No," said Mary. "But I guess now with that templar gone, I might be able to look past Derrick's nose. Come on Lucy, let's go see what he's up to!" Esumi watched as the two girls ran off, placing their books down on beds before leaving the room. She sighed, remembering those days and glad they were gone. Course, what was going on now didn't seem any better. She also felt somewhat like a hypocrite, as she was trying to be friends with a templar, after all. The fact that it happen to be the same templar made Esumi smile and chuckle a little.

After looking around one more time, Esumi then left the room and began making her way down the hall again toward the main atrium. In here there were no mages, only four templars. Two of them were sitting down at a table, playing what looked like chess. On the other side of the room were the main doors that lead to another room with a spiral staircase that lead down to the docks just below Esumi's feet. This was the only way in and out of the tower. The other two templars stood at the large doors, watching the other two play their game.

Esumi stood in the doorway between the hall and atrium. On the other end of the atrium was another hall that lead to a portion of the templar quarters. There were other places that the templars slept on other levels of the tower, but it was down this hall where Greagoir's office was located. Esumi looked down the hall, then at the four templars. She wondered if Keiven was still down there. Slowly she began walking past the large doors and to the other hall, trying to be as nonchalant as possible.

"Hey, where do you think you're going?" Esumi stopped and saw the two templars playing chess staring at her suspiciously. The other two templars were staring at her as well, but they seemed more curious than suspicious.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said, sounding surprised. "I didn't know where I was going. I'm just really deep in thought right now."

"Well go and be deep in thought someplace else," said the templar farthest from her at the table. "You know mages aren't allowed in there."

"Oh, yes, of course I know that. Again, I apologize and will be going this way instead." She turned herself around, but not before seeing something in the corner of her eye down the templar hall. She wasn't sure what it was, and didn't look back to take another look. If it did happen to be Keiven, then maybe he was trying to tell her something.

Esumi began walking again, but this time she walked up to the large doors the other two templars were guarding. She regarded the doors, staring at them intensely. "Those are big doors," she said.

"Yes, they are big. Thank you for pointing out the obvious," said one of the templars. "Are you going to stand there and stare at them, or are you going to keep moving?"

"I was just wondering," Esumi continued. "Are you templars always here? I mean, not just you, but all templars around the tower. I never seem to see any of you leave your posts. Don't you get hungry or have to use the bathroom or anything?"

"Of course we do," said the templar. "I've had to use the toilet for the last six hours, but we aren't allowed."

"Why not?"

"I don't really have to answer you, mage. That's just how things are."

"Seems kind of odd. After all, I'm sure it's not very pleasant to have to run after a malificar with a full bladder and an empty stomach."

"It's not like that," said the other templar. "We can go to the bathroom. This guy here is not going because he's got some type of problem."

"Hey! Andraste's flaming sword! Don't tell her that!"

"It's okay," said Esumi. "I won't tell anybody."

The templar glared at her. "Unless you want to be thrown in the dungeons for disturbing us, then I suggest you keep moving, mage."

Esumi gave them a slight bow before departing, finding herself back in the apprentice hall. She began laughing once she was out of the templar's earshot. Her laughing then abruptly ended when she was yanked into the younger apprentice's room.

"What are you laughing about?" Keiven asked her.

Esumi straightened herself when she realized who it was that pulled her in. "Oh, nothing. If you didn't hear it, then I can't tell you."

"Okay, then can you at least tell me what you were doing?"

"I was looking for you." Esumi became more focused now and looked down at Keiven with narrowed eyes and arms crossed over her chest. "I can't believe you! How could you do something so stupid?"

"So you knew what I was doing?"

"Yes."

"Then you know why I did it," Keiven said getting a bit of a temper. "I'm not going to let them turn Jowan tranquil. This is the only way for us not to lose him."

"Except we will lose him anyway." Esumi lowered her hands. She couldn't really be mad at Keiven. He was only doing what he thought best for his friend. She sighed. "Were you successful?"

Keiven's anger was replaced with a smile. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a large iron key. "Yep."

Esumi looked at the key and her heart began to freeze again. Now there was no stopping Jowan from continuing on with his plan. The struggle inside her had started again. Even though she didn't want to see Jowan become tranquil, especially over stupid rumors, she also couldn't stand the thought of losing him this way either. How long had they been friends? How long had she had these feelings for him?

A very long time.

"She's not as pretty as you, Esumi," Keiven said, seeing the hurt in her eyes. "I always thought you and Jowan would get together, but I guess not."

Esumi could only look at him and blink. "It's... it's okay, Keiven. I only want to see him happy."

"And forsake your own?" Keiven placed his hands on his hips. "I should go kick his ass."

"No, you will not."

"Well, you better tell me what I'm doing real quick because he's coming."

"What?" Esumi turned around only to turn back when she saw Jowan in the corner of her eye. He was walking over to the two of them slowly. Esumi couldn't stand to look at him right now. "You go talk to him," she said.

"Alright, I will." Keiven walked past her and stopped Jowan before he could come up to them. "What did you do?" Keiven asked.

"What's wrong with you?" Jowan said, sounding confused.

"You made Esumi sad, and I think she's been crying, so you better have a good excuse and I won't make your impending beating too harsh."

"Keiven, please. I need to talk to Esumi."

"She doesn't want to talk to you."

"And how do you know?"

"Because she sent me here. Now tell me what happened!"

She heard Jowan sigh. He sounded so frustrated and sad. She felt bad for making him like this. "Keiven, let him pass," she said. "I'll talk, but only briefly." She turned her head and looked at Jowan, seeing his own hurt. It was making it harder for her to hate him.

Keiven still stood between them, looking from one to the another, trying to figure out what to do. "You know I love both of you, right? So you two better make up or else maybe I'll kick both of your-"

"Keiven," Esumi said sternly. "I don't want to hear that word out of your mouth again."

"Sorry."

Jowan made his way past the younger mage and stood by Esumi's side. She was still unable to look him in the eyes fully.

"Hey Keiven, do you think you could let us be alone for a moment?" said Jowan.

"No."

"It's alright, Keiven, you can go," said Esumi.

"Okay, but I'll be right here if you need me. A knight never goes too far from his lady." Keiven walked to the other side of the room and sat on his bed. He sat there, still staring at them, never taking his eyes off Esumi. It was then that she noticed the three of them were the only ones in the room. She thanked the Maker for that at least.

"Would you like to sit?" Jowan said gesturing to the bed next to them. Esumi sat, but on the bed opposite of his. Jowan came and sat down next to her. "Look..." he began.

"Jowan, I know what you're going to say," Esumi interrupted him. "I shouldn't expect you to do anything, especially with how things have changed all of a sudden. It's just so hard to except that I might lose you, and it doesn't seem to matter which way." She could begin to feel the tears forming again, but she held them back. She already said there would be no more crying today.

Jowan took in a deep breath. "Do you think I like this? It's not like I have a choice in the matter. If I could choose to be here and become a mage in order to stay with you guys then I would. I love Lily, but we could always continue like we have been. Obviously, if not even you or Keiven knew about it until today, then we must have been doing something right."

Esumi had to look at him now. "You know you would have eventually gotten caught."

"Maybe, but you never know."

Esumi sat up straight and stared at the ceiling. She felt further away from Jowan then she ever had before. It was something she didn't like, and she wished that everything would go back to the way it was before all this.

"Do you love me?" she heard him ask, making her look back at him.

"Of course I love you," she said.

"I don't mean as a friend, or as a brother, perhaps," he stated. "But as something more."

Esumi's cheeks became hot and she had to look away from him again. Jowan gently took her chin and lifted her face back to his, making her stare in his eyes.

"It's okay," he said softly. "You can tell me."

Esumi took his hand from her chin. He entwined his fingers into hers, and she tried to pull them apart, but he wouldn't let her. Soon, she gave up and let their hands rest in her lap. His face never left hers even when she looked away from him again. She was trying to determine how to tell him. How does one say something like this?

"I... did," she finally said.

"You did?"

"I mean, I still do, but... I'm not sure what to feel now."

"How long have you felt this way?"

"For as long as I can remember." She was soon brave enough to stare him in the eyes. He looked back at her with compassion and serenity. It made her feel good to know that he still cared about her at least.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.

"It's just recently that I realized it myself. I just... didn't know if you felt the same way. I also wasn't sure how to tell you. You're not very good with emotions, you know."

"No, I'm not," he said finally letting go of her hand. He then placed both of them on her shoulders, making her fully face him. "But I still care for you, and you know you can tell me anything, as I know I can tell you. I just wish you had."

"It wouldn't have mattered any," said Esumi. "Even if I did, you would still be made tranquil."

"I wouldn't be sneaking around to meet up with Lily."

And now Esumi was hating herself. If she had only told him what she felt then maybe all of this unhappiness could be averted. It made her want to cry even more, but she still held it back. "But it's too late now, isn't it? No matter what happens, it will all end the same... with me losing you."

"You will never lose me." Jowan brought her close to him and he kissed her gently on the lips. At first she froze, unsure of what he was doing before she soon relaxed and parted her lips to kiss him back. It was the kiss she had dreamed about, but it came too late.

When they parted, Jowan placed his forehead on hers. "I'm sorry."

"I just want you happy."

"As long as you are, I am." He then stood up and helped her off the bed. "Once Lily and I are situated, I will write you and I will make it up to you somehow. I don't know if it'll be possible, but I will try to keep my promise to travel with you.. somewhere. I just can't be sure."

"It's all right, Jowan. I understand."

"It's not like you should, though. I know how much it means to you, and I hate that I made you feel this way. It was never my intention."

"So then you're still going through with the plan?"

"As long as Keiven got the key."

"It's right here, Jowan," Keiven said right behind them. He walked in between the two and shifted his eyes from one to the other. "Glad to see you both have made up. Does that mean you're friends again?"

"We never stopped being friends," said Esumi. "It was just a rough patch."

"So does that mean you'll help get into the reformatory?" Jowan asked.

Esumi wasn't sure. It was true that she wanted to help him, but the thought had never settled well with her. Breaking into the reformatory was a very serious offense, especially if they were going in to destroy a phylactery. That was a way to be branded an apostate, as the phylacteries were used to help templars track apostates down and bring them to justice. If they were caught, not only would Jowan still become a tranquil, but she would get punished as well for being an accomplice. She wasn't sure what her punishment might be, but she knew that not even Irving would be able to save her.

"Please say you're coming," said Keiven.

"What?" Esumi said shocked. "Don't tell me you're going as well?"

"Of course I am! I didn't get this key just to watch you two sneak into the reformatory without me. I want to see what's in there. Maybe even find my own phylactery and destroy it."

"That's not very smart, Keiven."

"Okay, maybe not, but you are coming, right?"

Esumi sighed and closed her eyes. She couldn't do it. "No," she said. "I can't go with you."

Keiven looked at her with shock, but Jowan's expression didn't change. He nodded his head and placed his hand on her shoulder. "I understand," he said. "And I don't hate you for not wanting to help. Just know that I love you and when we are successfully free and safe from this place, then I'll write you and tell you what is going on."

"I'll be looking forward to it."

Jowan smiled at her and she smiled back. Keiven, however, couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Are you sure you don't want to come, Esumi? Come on! This might be the last time the three of us do anything together."

"I know, and it's not like I haven't thought about it, it's just... You just be careful in there, okay. It's already hurting enough to know you're going in. I would hate to hear that you got hurt or something awful like that."

"You don't need to worry about me, Esumi," Keiven said. "I know how to take care of myself, and I'll make sure Jowan is safe, too."

Esumi shook her head. She then faced back at Jowan and the two of them smiled at each other once more. It was a smile she loved and a pang went through her when she realized it might be the last time she would see it. In an instant, Esumi took Jowan into her embrace and squeezed him close to her. He squeezed back, and they stayed that way for some time.

"I love you," Jowan whispered in her ear.

"I love you, too," she whispered back.

They let go, and Esumi turned to walk away, not before coming to the doorframe and looking back one last time at the two men who she loved more than anything in her life. They both stared back at her with small smiles and expressions that were a mix of sadness, respect, and gratitude.

Goodbye, my light. My heart shall always be with you.

When Esumi made her way back out in the hall, she could feel the tears beginning to flow again. "Damn it," she cursed herself. "I said I would not cry anymore today. What in the sodding Fade is wrong with me?"

She wiped her eyes as she walked briskly down the hall and through the library, ignoring all who said her name. She wasn't sure what time it was, but she knew she needed someone to talk to. It was time to go see Cullen.