Hope you love it! Please review!
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, I just toy with Jasper for my own amusement.
Notes:
This is a biggie folks, this is where we start really getting into the meat of the story and this chapter begins the move into the next major part of the story.
Judging by some of the reviews I got for the last chapter I think most of you will be very happy with the direction this story will be taking for a while!
Here we go!
Chapter 7: Total Honesty
Jasper POV
As I reach Bella's bedroom door I taste the air with my power; an instinctive action to check on my mate. I am dismayed but not surprised to feel her anger, pain and hopelessness. I take an unnecessary deep breath and try to calm my mind. I honestly do not know how to have this conversation with Bella but I know that I must.
After a moment I knock on the door, I get no response. This does not surprise me but it does make things more awkward. I don't want to intrude on her privacy and upset her any more than I already have but I must speak to her. There are things that need to properly be explained to her and she needs to be able to ask her questions; the air must be cleared. I knock again.
Again there is no response. Finally I speak.
"I won't come into your room ever again without your permission Bella but I must talk to you. We must talk. There are things I need to explain and I know you must have questions. Please let me answer them for you." I get no response and while my vampire senses detect a slight change in her heartbeat that tells me she heard me I can detect no other physical reaction. I sigh audibly. I place a hand on each side of the doorway and lean forward resting my forehead against the wood of her door.
"Isabella I had so many ideas about what I would say to explain things to you. So many ways I would try to word things so that you understand and see my side of things. I would still like the opportunity to tell you the things I should have told you at the very beginning but I understand now that there is only one thing I have to tell you, only one thing I must say – one thing that you must know, only one thing that after everything you have been through I could possibly say." I sigh again and suddenly hear her move, she says nothing but I can hear her move towards the door, walking until she is standing just in front of the door. She says nothing. She does nothing else. But at least now I know she is listening, she hears me. She is giving me a chance, albeit a slight one. I take a deep break before I speak.
"I am sorry Isabella" I decide to just take a risk,
"I was wrong, I have been wrong. I have done everything wrong. I have hurt you my beautiful mate and I am so deeply sorry, I am so sorry Bella, truly." There is no response. Just silence. I close my eyes. I want to work things out but it is going to be impossible if I can't even convince Bella to allow me to speak to her.
"I don't know what other option I could have taken if I am honest. It is unusual for me, for one of my kind, to be so utterly adrift; to not know what to do or what action to take. I was lost. I didn't know what to do for the best and my instincts were screaming at me and I couldn't think. To not have you with me would have led to disaster this I know. I know there must have been a better solution to kidnap but I couldn't see one and I felt like time was running out so acted and I am so sorry my actions have caused you pain." Still she says nothing but I can hear her breathing and when I check her emotions amongst the ever present pain and anger I can sense a tiny slither of understanding and sympathy. I take a risk and continue speaking,
"The actual taking of you was done all wrong as well. It could have been done in such a better way, a fairer way. I could have talked to you, begged you to understand, explained things to you, allowed you the right to ask questions but I didn't. I took you and then I panicked. Since then I have handled everything wrong and I will never forgive myself. Ever. To me you are everything. I want you safe and secure and happy. I never want you to fear me or hate me; the fact you do tears me apart. It tears me apart because I know it is all my own fault. I am so sorry. I am sorry I have done this to you."
"What would you have explained?" a soft voice asks. I am shocked and dumbstruck,
"huh?" I answer stupidly, I can hear her shift on the other side of the door; I have somehow missed her coming closer to the point where we are standing right opposite each other with just a couple of inches of wooden door between us
"If you had sat me down and just talked to me instead of taking me or even if you had talked to me at the very beginning when you first took me, talked instead of keeping me unconscious; if you had explained this mate thing right at the beginning what would you have told me?" she asks
"I would have told you that Vampires are ruled by instinct, a fact which makes us deadly but which for you makes you the most protected creature on the planet. I would have told that I am a monster, a feared monster and that I cared for nothing with any real conviction until the second I saw you. I would have told you that the most important instinct to a male vampire is that which drives us to find and then love and protect our mate. I would have told you that to a male vampire who finds his mate in a human the connection is instantaneous, I feel for you just as intensely as I would if you were a vampire. For you the connection is faint, hidden in your subconscious and it will take time to develop. It would in truth be easier if you were vampire because then you would feel the connection and the instinct to be my mate as strongly as I do" I say with a wry grin
"Why did you kidnap me then? Why not just turn me into a vampire?" she asks
"Because of my instinct to love and protect you. I can't hurt you, I can't cause you physical pain and seeing fear in your eyes or sensing it will stop any action immediately Isabella. I crave only to protect you and worship you. If I can sense your fear or unease or pain I instantly need to make it better. Sometimes I will admittedly get it wrong. Earlier when you woke and you were scared and I growled at you – that was not an aggressive growl. Vampires have a whole array of growls for their mates, it is another way of communicating, an instinctive way. When you were asleep you were responding to me, we were bonding and that was something I had been desperately craving but when you went ridged in my arms and I could detect your unease I was still deeply in touch with my beast so my response was animalistic – a growl to enquire on what was wrong. And I held you more firmly to keep you safe within my arms in case the cause for your unease was an outside threat, it was instinctive and only comes out of a need to protect you." I explain, there is silence for a moment before suddenly the door opens. My beautiful mate is looking at me with a strange mixture of both curiosity and wariness. She takes several steps back and then makes a vague gesture towards one of her chairs. I go over to it and then sit. I wait,
"So you wouldn't have continued kissing me? You wouldn't have forced me against my will?" she asks, fear in her eyes
"NEVER!" I almost shout
"I know my responses won't always make sense to you and that I do need to explain things better but I swear I won't hurt you and I will never force you to do anything' she looks at me with her head tilted to one side
'God, just the thought of doing that to you makes me feel physically sick. I can't Isabella. I physically can't cause you true pain or fear, it goes against my instincts I am incapable of causing you harm. If we had not been disturbed earlier I would have gotten off you anyway as soon as I had realised that your unease and sudden pushing against me was spurred by fear of me my instinct would have demanded that I give you the space you needed and fix the situation in way I can." I try to infuse my speech with as much genuine feeling as possible; I need her to know I speak the truth,
"Really?" she asks
"Yes Isabella. It is the reason I can't turn you. If I were to turn you now you would be filled with fear of me. The transformation is painful anyway but if done against someone's will, before they are ready, it is truly terrifying. If a person is turned by their mate, when their love is strong and when there is trust then the transformation is easier and the person is comforted by the presence of their mate. I can't turn you because you are not ready, you would gain no comfort from my presence and my instinct will stop me the second I detect your fear. I must wait until you are ready and at ease with the mating and with me, wait until you are able to allow me to be a comfort to you, ease you through the transformation". I try to explain
"What if I am never ready?" she asks, I close my eyes briefly, horrified by the idea of watching her die from old age or sickness but I answer almost instantly and with total honesty,
"Then I would never change you." I can feel her disbelief
"Truly?" she whispers, I look into her eyes and allow myself to show her my honesty, my love and my pain in my face, my eyes. She stares at me for a long moment and I can feel the moment she believes me.
"oh" she gasps and moves back to sit on her bed. She leans forward to rest her elbows on her knees and put her face in her palms. We sit quietly for several long moments. After a while she speaks,
"What are the rules?" she asks
"Rules?" I echo, utterly confused
"Yeah, I mean what rules do I have to follow as your mate? How am I meant to behave?"
"You don't have to be behave in any set way. There are no rules!" I am amazed she thinks there are any!
"But there are expectations!' she argues 'There are ways in which I should behave, I see it in everyone's eyes. Everyone expects me to act in a certain way but I don't know what that way is! I don't understand how I am meant to be, I don't understand how this mate thing is meant to work and it's hurting me because I am stressed all the time trying to work out how to behave!" I can feel her frustration, her pain and her confusion and my heart breaks as I watch tears fill her eyes.
"I want to move on with my life Jasper. I hate being so angry, so lost, so desperate but I just don't know how to move forward when I don't know what my role is in this new life, how I am meant to function! I need to know the rules of this new life Jasper!" She sobs
Before I can help myself I am on my knees before her. I take her hands in mine and feel my heart clench with she flinches slightly at my touch, she doesn't trust me, I think.
"Darling, please look at me" I beg, slowly she raises her head to look me in the eye; she looks so broken, so confused and so frustrated.
"THERE ARE NO RULES" I state firmly, willing her to believe me
"But…." She stammers
"No,' I state 'Fully mated vampire couples do often share similar behavioural traits as other mated couples because mating is instinctual and we all have the same instincts and it is true that the family is eager for us to get to the stage where we are like all other mated couples, they do want to see us act like any other mated couple but that is all it is – their hope and their enthusiasm"
"So you don't have rules you need me to abide by as your mate? A certain way you wish me to behave?" She asks timidly,
"God no!' I exclaim 'I want you just the way you are. There are aspects of my instinct and behaviour I need to explain to you so that you know why I may act in some ways and I am afraid that being possessive and protective is a major trait of all male vampires towards their mate but no matter how possessive or protective I am of you it is vital that you understand that I do not want to control you. I don't want your sprit broken; I don't want you to feel unequal to me. I want you as my partner, my lover and my friend. I want you to be yourself. I want to know you. I want you to argue with me, put me in my place when I am being an ass and I want you to know that I will always be on your side. I will always back you up. Always listen to you. Always respect you and your decisions. I swear to you Bella you do have choices. I need you to be near me, that is a fact but everything else is your hands. Exactly what kind of relationship we have is all on your terms." I speak passionately and push my emotions out to her, she gasps
"What is that?" she asks
"My feelings, I am showing you what I feel" I explain. She closes her eyes and scrunches her nose up in an adorable fashion
"Ok, I believe you" she states, letting out a deep breath. I lean forward and gently kiss the hand I am holding.
"Thank you" I quickly back off and go back to sitting in my chair. I don't want to crowd her.
I don't know what else to say. I don't know else to do. This talk has gone better than I could ever have hoped. But now I don't know where to go from here.
We sit for a long time. Minutes pass by and Bella just sits and looks at her hands. Her emotions are calm and contemplative. I wait and just quietly watch her. I want to leave the ball in her court – let her decide how things go from here.
After what seems like an age but is actually about twenty minutes she finally speaks.
"I want to leave" her voice suddenly announces. My eyes snap to hers and I look at her in pure shock. Leave? She knows she can't. I can't be away from my mate – we can't be apart, that's why she was kidnapped in the first place! Leave? What is she on about?
My confusion and disbelief must be obvious to her however because she quickly clarifies,
"I want us to leave" I am relieved by the 'us' but I still don't fully get what she is getting at. My power tells me that determination is slowly but steadily sweeping over her; she has a plan formulating.
"I want us to leave your family, I want to go somewhere, anywhere just the two of us" There it is. I am in shock. Leave my family? The Cullens? Peter and Charlotte? That would devastate them and me if I am honest. Before I can say anything however Bella stands,
"Yes, leave, its perfect" she mutters, possibly to herself. For a couple of minutes she simply paces back and forth, thinking hard and then suddenly stops. She comes to stand just three feet away from me. She has clearly warmed to her idea – her face is set in determination and her eyes alight with a fire I have never seen before. She is glorious.
"I will consent Jasper, I will fully and utterly consent to properly giving this mate-thing a try. No more hesitation I will do my best to fully embrace my future, my future with you.' My beast roars in satisfaction with this and I can't believe it. I have never felt so happy and i know I must be projecting because for the first time she smiles warmly at me. For a perfect moment we are utterly still, me sitting, she standing, our eyes locked, smiling at each over. But almost as suddenly as the moment arrives it passes as she shakes off the happiness and the smile and her face is filled with grim determination.
'I have a condition Jasper" she reminds me and suddenly I am plummeted back to what she said – she wants us to leave the family.
"You want us to leave our family" I state, instantly I am hit by her anger and hate
"THEY ARE NOT MY FAMILY!" she screams. I wince at the force of her emotions and desperately want to go to her and comfort her – as is my duty as her mate. I push the instinct back however and give her a moment to calm herself. When she does, she states her condition and her voice is cold and clipped.
"They are not my family. They are not my friends. They want me to bend to their will. They want me to shut up and move on and be a good little mate for you. I have nobody on my side. Nobody I can trust. If we remain in this house it will always be me against all of you. They will always side with you because none of them truly see anything wrong with what they did, with what you have all done." She is right in a way but wrong in so many other ways. I try desperately to explain,
"That is not true Bella' she raises an eyebrow 'well not totally. They genuinely care for you – I can feel it and they are deeply sorry for the pain we have all put you through."
"But they don't regret it. None of you so called human-loving vamps feel remotely bad about the fact that you took my free will away. I am starting to get how you feel Jasper, I truly am and maybe one day I can forgive you completely, but I can't do that here. I can't embrace being your mate and embrace other forced relationships like sister, daughter and friend. I don't want brothers and sisters and new parents. I don't want any of it because I didn't choose it. If you truly want me to try and accept being you mate then it cannot be done here. I won't be able to do it here. I am too angry, too resentful and too mistrustful. I will never relax long enough to let you in Jasper." Her voice is partly pleading at the end.
She is begging me to understand. But there is more to her request that just wanting to be away from the family. She is asking me to be true to my word, to treat her as an equal, a partner. To meet her halfway and make a sacrifice in order to make our relationship work. She wants to make decisions and have them respected. She tried to move on with her life here in the family home and it didn't work, there is too much pressure.
She needs to have some control over her life and I must respect that. I look at her and see her, my beautiful mate. It will hurt and I will miss my family and it will cause them pain but I know I must abide by my mate's wishes.
I stand and step towards her. Her fear spikes briefly but she doesn't step back. I reach a hand up to cup her cheek and she lets me.
"Ok my mate. We will leave"
"Really?" she is surprised by my acceptance
"Yes really. If this is what it takes to make things work between us then I will do it. Besides you have given up so much, had so much taken away from you – it is only fair that I make a sacrifice as well."
"Thank you" She murmurs, looking down. I stroke her cheek lightly with my thumb
"How do you need this to work Isabella?" she looks up at me, nibbling on her lower lip. I internally groan, images of what I would love to do to that lip racing through my brain. I force myself to shake those images from my brain as she speaks.
"I would like to leave within the next few days if possible?" she is hesitant now. How strange my little mate is. One minute so full of fire and fight but now I have agreed to her request she is shy and unsure. I smile at her
"How about we leave in three days?" I suggest, she nods in response
"Sounds great"
"What else?" I ask.
"I don't want to see or speak to anyone from your family at all until I am ready. I don't want you to suggest us seeing them at all until I am ready. And when we do see them it can't be all at once – a couple at a time. Everything done at my pace and on my terms." The fight briefly returned to her voice as she spoke but as she finished, she quickly looked away from me as if frightened of my response. In truth I am not surprised by this wish. I expected it given how she feels about them. I need to reassure that I understand and that it is fine. I lift up my other hand to cup her other cheek and gently turn her face to look at me.
"Hey' I say softly 'It's ok, I understand. No visit, no contact"
"You can speak to them if you want to Jasper, even see them when possible if you wish – meet somewhere neutral to catch up or something but I couldn't be there. I don't want any contact but I won't stop you from speaking to them" the fact that she won't stop me from contacting my loved ones but I have stopped her is not lost on me. She is a far better person than me.
"Ok" I say
"I thought we could travel a bit, move from place to place. See things, get to know each other" she suggests and I can feel myself nodding before I even speak,
"Excellent idea" I say and it really is. Travelling will give us a chance to bond, get to know each other.
"We can date!" I tell her with a smile. Already planning dates to take her on. She gives me a small smile in response.
"That would be nice" she says. And normal I add mentally. I want to give her something normal in all this madness.
"We will leave in three days. We'll pack up my truck and just drive. We can go from place to place, staying for however long you fancy. We'll see the sights; have adventures, anything you want." She smiles in true happiness at me, clearly pleased that I have realised how important this is.
For the first moment since I took her I feel true hope rise in my heart.
This could work.
We have a chance.
There we go!
So, they are going to leave the family! This is going to cause some tension!
A teaser for the next chapter….
Someone gets thrown through a wall!
Please, please, please review everyone!
This is my biggest chapter to date and I would love to hear what everyone thinks!