ANNIVERSARY OF FOOLS
It was approximately six o'clock in the morning. Kenshin quietly got out of bed so as not to wake Kaoru up. He crept out of his bedroom as silent as a mouse. He walked down the hallway and noticed Kenji coming out of his room. Kenshin took his back to the wall right beside Kenji's door. He came out ready to yawn so Kenshin grabbed his mouth before it happened. He then flung him back into his room and shut the door. Now he gracefully waltzed out of the house to embark on his quest. He went over to Sano's house where he knocked on the door. Sano opened the door yawning.
"Sano, my anniversary is tomorrow. Can you help me pick out a gift for Kaoru?"
"Sure. We can take a picture of you with my camera. I bought it dirt cheap at the pawn shop."
"Why would you have a camera?" Kenshin questioned puzzled.
"I like taking photographs of…nature. Now, go to the back of my house and I'll meet you there."
Kenshin did as he was told. Sano came out a few minutes later with his camera equipment. He dropped it all on the ground and started to set it up. Kenshin watched him for a while thinking about what they would do for a photograph.
"Sano, what type of picture are you going to take of me?"
"There is one kind that is very popular. This one is called the erotic photo because you put yourself in a sexy position. It never fails and I'll guarantee that. One look at it by Kaoru and she'll melt."
"You're taking the photograph remember," said Kenshin.
"Okay, moving onto the alternative: the manly photo. In this picture you try to portray yourself as a great warrior, a masculine god, you get the idea."
"Of course! I'm really manly."
"But before that, you have to become acquainted with the camera. The key to taking a good picture is to get a feel for the camera. We'll take some practice shots before we begin," said Sano.
Sano and Kenshin took some bizarre pictures to prepare for the challenge. One picture consisted of Kenshin giving the swear finger to the camera. Another was Sano giving the camera the peace sign. And for some strange reason, they managed to setup a shot of tanukies playing poker. After the three practice shots they got down to business. They went around Tokyo searching for the best background possible. A half-hour went by before they finally agreed on the spot. Right on the edge of the forest was a huge rock. Since the sun was up now, beams of light penetrated through the thick forest. Sano directed Kenshin to stand on top of the rock holding his sword up. During the first shot light reflected off of the sword and blinded Sano. He bumped the camera and it fell over, where it took a picture of the ground. The second shot stunk too: the picture consisted of Kenshin getting attacked by a bird. On the tenth try it was a success.
Sano went home to develop the pictures while Kenshin went home to face Kaoru. He got in the door to find Kaoru washing the breakfast dishes. Kenji was in the living room playing with the cup-and-ball toy. Kenshin walked up to Kaoru trying to suave his way out of trouble. Kaoru turned around while drying a dish. "You missed breakfast."
"You actually made breakfast today. What happened to the 'things' you used to make?" asked Kenshin.
"Flattery will get you nowhere. I asked Kenji if he saw you but all he could say was that you ambushed him," said Kaoru.
"I had to in order to not compromise the mission," said Kenshin.
"Kenshin, gambling is not a mission. Sano is brainwashing you again. Anyway, I want you get all your chores done early today. Tonight we're going to a Kabuki play. So before we go, wash up because you need to look nice for this."
Kaoru grabbed Kenshin and kissed him on the cheek. She then went back to putting all the dishes away. Kenshin walked past the living room again. He stopped at the door to ask Kenji a question. "What am I supposed to do today?"
"Mom said you have to chop some more firewood, dust the bedroom, press the clothes, and give me your sword."
Kenshin went over by Kenji and pulled the sword and sheath from his belt. "Wait a minute, I'm not supposed to that." He put it back in his belt.
Kenji grumbled to himself. "Crap! I was so close."
Kenshin went outside to chop out some firewood with his sword. After Kaoru taught her classes, she went to take a bath. Night rolled around and Kenshin came in exhausted. Kaoru was refreshed and preparing her hair in the bedroom. He went inside and ventured towards the bed. Kaoru pointed her finger out the door to the bathroom. Like a zombie he turned around and went to the bathroom. When Kenshin was cleaned up, Kaoru grabbed him by the arm and escorted him outside the house. Kenji stayed home alone because it was only going to be a couple of hours. Kenshin and Kaoru got to the playhouse, which was called the Dream Theatre. They went inside and took their seats. The name said it all because during the play, Kenshin was falling into a dream state. He said in his mind, "Is there some level to this I don't understand?"
He said aloud, "This sucks. I'm out of here." He proceeded to get up.
Kaoru yanked him back down into his seat.
The play ended and Kaoru stormed out of the playhouse. Outside he ran up behind her. He tried to hold her while they walked home, but Kaoru was still upset. Kenshin got frustrated so he let go of her. At home Kenji was playing with a map on the living room floor.
"If I was the head of the Meiji government, I would turn Antarctica into a giant prison."
Kaoru walked inside the house and went into the master bedroom. Then Kenshin walked into the house. He followed into the master bedroom. Kaoru had already changed and was lying in the bed. Kenshin jumped on his side of the bed and dozed off. Kaoru lied awake staring at the wall for some time.
"You know Kenshin, you were a lot more romantic when we were dating. What happened to your intimacy? You tried to sweep me off my feet and woo me. Now you sweep me out of your love life like I'm dust. What do you think about that?"
"Yes Thomas Jefferson, I'll help you write the Declaration of Independence." He turned towards Kaoru with closed eyes.
"Uh!" Kaoru laid her head down and went to sleep.
The next morning, Kenji walked into the master bedroom. He went over to Kenshin and hit him in the back of the head. He went over to Kaoru and shook her. They woke up to find him standing there with two boxes of gifts.
"Here you go dad." He handed the box over to Kenshin.
Kenshin opened the box with delight. Inside it was a dark blue robe. He took it out and looked at it for a few moments.
"Why does this look familiar to me?" asked Kenshin.
Kenji then gave Kaoru a box. She opened it and pulled out a green hair ribbon.
"Kenji, I have a green hair ribbon already," said Kaoru. "I wore it a few days ago. Hey, this one has a tear at the end like mine does. Where did you get this from?"
"Okay, I confess," said Kenji. "I just took stuff you already had and gave them to you as presents."
"Well, I guess it's the thought that counts," said Kaoru.
"What are you talking about?" said Kenshin. "What a rip! I didn't get married just so I could get stuff I already own as gifts. I want a new gift and I want it now."
"Oh, stop you complaining Kenshin!" said Kaoru. "Besides this day isn't about presents or lavish things. It's about us being married for ten years."
"Yeah," said Kenji. " So, uh, happy anniversary!"
"Kenji," gasped Kenshin, "You said the 'A' word! Go to your room. Now!"
"What?" said Kenji.
"Do it!" screamed Kenshin.
He then walked slowly back to his room while grumbling to himself.
"Kenshin, what was that for?" asked Kaoru.
"The kid said an inappropriate word," said Kenshin. "What am I supposed to do, give him a medal?"
"I'm going to ignore that because today is special," said Kaoru.
She got off the futon and went over to the closet. She dug through until she found the thing she was looking for. She came back with it and plopped on the futon. She could barely contain herself.
"Here, I got this for you," said Kaoru. She then handed him the box with the mysterious object inside.
"You didn't raid some of my nagajugan and put them in this box did you? You know you are the kind of person who would do that."
He opened it to discover that inside lay a bonsai tree. The tree was submerged in a pot filled with dirt. Kenshin took the tree out and held it for a couple of seconds. Kaoru was beginning to sweat because she feared he did not like the present. Then Kenshin put the tree back into the box.
"You know how I always keep telling you I'm not a samurai. Well, I think you went a little bit too far with that idea. I'm not 'Kenshin Himura the Gardener.' By the way can I eat it?" asked Kenshin.
"That is exactly why I got you the tree. You can talk to it and we all know a tree has the same mentality as you. I can't have an intelligent conversation with you," said Kaoru.
Kenshin picked up the plant again and looked at it. "Now bonsai tree, Kaoru is the enemy. I'm the good guy."
Kenshin decided to whip out his present for Kaoru. He pulled it out of his pillowcase and handed it to her.
"You couldn't wrap the gift," said Kaoru.
"To wrap the gift would underlie the true magnificence of the picture by itself," said Kenshin.
"Is the blur falling off the rock you?" asked Kaoru.
"Yep. Out of the ten takes, this was the best one. Oh yeah, Sano was the photographer," said Kenshin.
"Sano was the photographer and you were the model. That is the ultimate team made in hell," said Kaoru.
"Hey, now you can have a piece of me everywhere you go. You will never be lonely again," said Kenshin.
"Are you kidding? I'm lonely even if you're around me in person, so what's a picture going to do?" said Kaoru.
"Listen 'General Blackheart,' give me more credit for the picture."
"You don't deserve any credit. You didn't even try to give me something special. A picture is worth a thousand words and this one is no exception. The only difference is that all these words are describing how incompetent you are." Kaoru threw the picture onto the bed and walked out of the bedroom.
Kenshin picked up the bonsai tree again. "I'm the equivalent of you. Stop mocking me!"
Kenji was in his room for two hours before he finally decided to make a break for it. Since everybody was blinded by anger, they never noticed him defying his punishment. His first stop was Kenshin's bedroom to see if the other gifts were in there. He stumbled upon the picture and found it hilarious. On the back of it was Sano's signature. He walked outside towards Sano's house because he wanted to see his other pictures. Megumi was in the front yard tending to some flowers in a patch. He walked up to her and tapped her on the shoulder.
"Hi Kenji, what can I do for you," said Megumi.
"I was just wondering where Sano is because I want to look at his other pictures."
"You might not want to look at his other pictures. I don't think you would appreciate them yet. However, I know where Sano is. I believe he's in the living room getting a stain off the floor."
Kenji walked into the house and found Sano scrubbing a stain of the floor. Sano took notice of Kenji and stopped scrubbing.
"I came by to congratulate you on your photo of dad. It's really funny. By the way, what's this about me not being able to appreciate your other pictures?"
"Oh nothing, let's just say they deal with symbolism and themes only sophisticated adults would understand. You would find them boring. Oh, you want to see the Kenshin pictures. I'll go get them."
He left the room and went to bedroom. He brought a whole stack of Kenshin pictures that were rejected. Kenji looked through them with enthusiasm. He especially liked the one where Kenshin was scratching an itch on his butt.
"Now let's go find Kenshin and ask him how his gift went over with Kaoru."
Sano and Kenji went back over to the Kamiya household. They looked all over for Kenshin before finding him in the middle of the dojo kneeling. He was trimming his bonsai tree with some gloves on and a shear.
Kenshin whispered, "Damn! I pruned too much off the top. All this toil for a ruined tree."
Sano and Kenji just stared at him. He then put his hand over Kenji's eyes. He said to him, "Move back slowly Kenji and don't make eye contact."
Kenshin heard Sano's comment and went over by them. "Hey guys, I was just doing a manly environmental project. What's new with you?"
"We just stopped by to see if Kaoru liked your gift," said Sano.
Kenshin turned away from them leaving a cold image standing there. "Kaoru hated it and I should have figured that. Women have an impossible standard for men that they must always meet. Unfortunately the only outcome is our death in the process."
Sano put his arm on Kenshin's shoulder. "Kenshin you don't have to die, there is another way. You can still make it up to her today; your anniversary hasn't ended yet."
"Yeah dad you got plenty of time before your anniversary is over," exclaimed Kenji.
"Kenji, you said the 'A' word again. Go to your room and give yourself a lashing. I want a full report when you're done," said Kenshin.
Kenji shifted his eyes and sighed. He walked out of the dojo with his head down.
"Kenshin, pay close attention to this," said Sano. "This is what I do: on my anniversary I try to make it as romantic and intimate as possible. My primary objective is to get Megumi in the sack. In order to do this, I surprise her with flowers. To enhance the affect I place lit candles everywhere to give a sensual atmosphere to the environment. However no parts of the plan work unless you have privacy. Sometimes I lie and say I'm sick, busy, and one time I tried to fake my own death to keep people from intruding. A nice meal follows with exquisite wine. Later on when the romance starts to show, I cuddle with Megumi. We talk about various things, which leads to the primary objective. The clothes start to come off slowly and…"
"And I don't need to hear anymore. I want to keep my mind pure. In your excerpt from 'How to Make Love Sano Style,' I managed to find some useful tidbits of information," said Kenshin.
"Uh, before you go, one last thing," said Sano.
"What?" said Kenshin, as he was getting impatient.
"Megumi is a love machine."
"I bet she sure is," said Kenshin sarcastically.
The rest of the day Kenshin worked and prepared for his anniversary. It had to be something special and no one could find out about it. Having a surprise motif was easy since Kaoru was out running errands and Kenji was in his room pouting. In the evening, Kenshin finally got done with his grand master plan. He went into Kenji's room to see if he was still there. "Good you're still here boy."
"Can I leave now? Even prisoners get exercise," said Kenji.
"You've earned it. You're allowed to go to Yahiko's house tonight."
"I thought I was temporarily banned from his house. I mean the whole thing about Yahiko's father offering us cigars got you guys mad."
"Well, I'm giving you an evening pass and then the ban is back on."
Kenji flew out of the house to Yahiko's before Kenshin realized what he just did. Kenshin went into the living room to meditate. It was going to take all his energy and concentration to pull this off. The scenario of how it should go ran through his head many times. He felt confident about this so he calmed down. It was now or never he said to himself.
Kaoru came home carrying some groceries. She went into the kitchen to put all of them away. After the last grocery was taken care of, she noticed a scroll on the table. It was all rolled up and tied with a ribbon. Kaoru picked it up, untied it, and read it. It went something like this:
Dear Kaoru,
Can you guess who's writing? Maybe it's the grim reaper, a bum, or the ghost of a blacksmith. Actually it's me Kenshin. I just wanted to say since the picture thing got you pissed off, I have decided to try again. This time Sano wasn't part of it so maybe I have a chance. Anyway if you wish to be whisked off to a world of romance, go to the shed. To make it clear go to the shed in the Kamiya courtyard. Trespassing onto somebody else's property could get you killed. Please come because I wasted my whole day doing this.
P.S.: Anybody else reading this besides Kaoru should ignore it. I really mean it because you'll ruin my plan. And if you do I'll write you a complaint letter to end all complaint letters.
Cordially yours,
Kenshin Himura
Kenshin Himura
Kaoru put down the letter shaking her head. She thought to herself Kenshin was trying too hard. This was going to be so complicated that he would not understand it. The sad thing was that he was the one who planned it out. She decided to give him a chance though and proceeded with the scroll's instructions. Kaoru made her way to the Kamiya shed. Questions kept running through her mind. "What can I expect from him because he never did this before. Come on, he's a novice. Oh well, maybe a cheap laugh will be involved."
She went over to the shed. She walked in and closed the door behind her. She then spotted Kenshin sitting in complete darkness at some sort of table.
"Welcome to the love shack," said Kenshin.
"Why are you sitting in the dark?" asked Kaoru. "Why don't you have any candles?"
"Hey, cut me some slack here!" said Kenshin. "I tried my best, so just deal with it, okay? Besides, since its dark, it makes it even more exciting. We won't know what's going to happen."
"Yeah we do. Nothing." said Kaoru.
Kaoru carefully made her way over to the table and sat down. During her walk, she tripped and almost fell about a half-dozen times.
Since she couldn't see, she felt around on the table for the food. She eventually found it and picked some up. She brought it up to her nose to smell it.
"Hey, this smells like ohagi," said Kaoru.
"Correct!" said Kenshin. "I annoyed Megumi to the point where she just made me a batch to shut me up."
Kenshin and Kaoru ate the ohagi like pigs. Afterwards, he took a bottle of wine off the table. It was a table wine called Blanc de noir. It was a white wine with a sweet taste. Kenshin tried to pull the cork out of the bottle, but it just wasn't coming out. After five minutes of fighting with it, it shot out like a bullet and hit Kaoru in the head. She fell off her pillow.
"We sustained a causality!" exclaimed Kenshin.
Kaoru, stunned, picked herself off the floor and sat back on the pillow.
"Kenshin, you just set the new record for how fast you can destroy a romantic situation."
"See, I told you that we wouldn't know what was going to happen," said Kenshin.
"Kenshin, why don't you stick to the bonsai tree? I'm out of here." She then got up and went to the door. She tried to open it, but it wouldn't budge.
"The door's locked," said Kaoru. "We're trapped inside."
Kenshin and Kaoru banged on the door and yelled for help. A few minuets later, Kenji and Yahiko came walking by the shed.
"Shouldn't we let your parents out?" asked Yahiko.
"No," said Kenji. "If we leave them in there, my evening pass upgrades to an all night pass."
Kenji and Yahiko then ran back to Yahiko's house.
Kenshin and Kaoru stopped banging on the door because it wasn't doing anything. They just decided to sit tight and make the best of a bad situation.
"Kenshin, everything went wrong for the past two days," said Kaoru. "You embarrassed me at the play, you gave me a crappy gift, you almost killed me with a cork, and you didn't put candles out so we have to sit in complete darkness."
"Don't blame me," said Kenshin. "I'm trying to adjust back to civilian life after the revolution."
"That was ten years ago!" hollered Kaoru.
"Well, these things take time," said Kenshin. " Do you want the transition done fast or done right?"
"Oh, shut up," said Kaoru as she crossed her arms and looked away.
"I'm not going sit here and take this. I'm going to get us out of here." He then went up to the door and pulled his sword out.
He lifted it up and was about to swing.
"What are you doing!" shrieked Kaoru. "I don't want my door hacked up."
"Oh, geese!" said Kenshin. "What a baby!"
He put his sword away and ran into the door with his shoulder. He ricocheted off the door and landed on the floor. He grabbed his arm and groaned in pain. Kaoru came over to him to comfort him.
"Kenshin, do you realize what you just did?" said Kaoru. "This is the first time you did something nice for me on our anniversary that wasn't half-assed."
"But it wasn't romantic or intimate," said Kenshin.
"Hey, it's a start," said Kaoru.
"Since we're on good terms, give me some sugar baby."
"Take me now." She grabbed Kenshin and started to kiss him.
"No! I mean the bagged sugar. I'm hungry again."
"Oh Kenshin," said Kaoru jokingly.
The End