A/N: So not very many liked the last chapter - yeah, I know, I know. It's hard to read and Kate, well, she's turning out to be quite the villian. It wasn't my intention, honest. But to those upset readers I say 'oh ye of little faith!' Bear with my angst-ridden tale of our two star-crossed lovers - it will get better... eventually. I do solemnly swear. In the meantime however, this is an angst-filled fest. Just wait and read. You'll love me for it... eventually. I will make it spectacular (or so I hope). :-/
If you don't want to read something this heavy, feel free to explore my fluff-piece, 'Mr. & Mrs. Castle' (yes, this is shameless self-promotion).
Disclaimer: Yada, yada, yada - I own nothing. I'm only saying this because of one of the GATT trade negotiation rounds.
*Blink blink*
Anyway...
(No, I don't do drugs)
(Updated version - corrected a few mistakes and added a few things, not too much though)
Chapter 7 - Goodbye My Almost Lover
It was busy tonight.
It's always busy on a Fridays. He knows because it has been-
Was.
It was their ritual. Every Friday after their shifted had ended. Celebratory drinks. Free, celebratory drinks. He, Ryan, Esposito and Beck-
He quickly throws a lick of liquor down his throat and winces, satisfied that his mind has been numbed just a little bit more.
The Haunt is a buzzing, moving, living organism filled with cigarette smoke, the suave crooning of Eddie's piano and a sea of nameless faces. Sounds of laughter and friendship and conversation bounce off the walls and hit him from all directions. The jovial mood is suffocating. But he welcomes the suffocation, the noise provides him with some distraction from the despair quietness brings. He has had enough quiet, dark, contemplating evenings at home. He needs this. Needs to do this. And he needs a drink to do it.
Sitting alone at the their usual booth (dubbed the '12th'), he is not Richard Castle. No, he's someone else completely with his new bearded, guarded and careful disposition. He doesn't feel like himself. Maybe he's never going to be Rick Castle again. People change, evolve, mutate, adapt, don't they? Well, he's changing; shedding parts of himself. He's surviving, adapting, evolving, mutating.
Into what, he's not sure.
Right now in his solitude he is Hemmingway, Fitzgerald, Poe and all of literature's tragic heroes rolled into one as he elegantly nurses his drink, melting ice cubes clinking against the surface of the glass. All the great writers wrote here, he told them once. Well, maybe he wasn't one of the greats, but this is where he found solace – a sense of belonging amongst the godfathers and custodians of his trade. He knew his place here; he made the rules here. He wasn't a cop. He was a writer. And this was a writer's bar.
Well, it wasn't a writer's bar to them. It had become their bar. Their little family's bar. The four of them. Sometimes six if you include Roy and Lanie.
And he wasn't just a writer to them. To them he'll always be Rick Castle - friend, partner, brother.
But things are about to change. Things have changed - especially given the letter (and cheque) he sent the Captain two days ago. It has been more than two weeks since he's been at the precinct. Two weeks of Beckett staring at his chair, two weeks of Beckett frequently glancing at the elevator doors, two weeks of Beckett not calling Castle.
Two weeks of an incomplete Beckett. Two weeks of a broken Castle.
Brian the Bartender greets them with a nod while he's wiping a glass clean and directs them to the '12th' with a jerk of his head.
They find the solitary figure in the corner of the booth, intently staring at the glass in his hands. When the two figures cast a shadow over the dimly lit surface of the table, he glances up.
"Hey guys," he greets with a faint smile.
"Hey Bro."
"Hey Castle."
Esposito and Ryan greet simultaneously as they slid into the booth. Before they even have time to shrug off their coats, Brian the Bartender brings them their usual drinks.
The three men sit in silence while the noise and the mood and the music of the Haunt dance around them. Finally, Ryan looks up and breaks the silence.
"So... you're, uh, leaving, huh?"
Rick looks up at the blue-eyed Irishman and then glances at his Hispanic partner. They're his friends, his brothers. He owes them this at least. He owes them a farewell.
He nods slowly. "I've done enough research... Time to move on." In more ways than one. He doesn't elaborate and they don't call him out on his lie. They know perfectly well what - or who - the cause is of his sudden departure.
He lifts his glass and smiles; it doesn't reach his eyes and the ones they return lack joy. "To memories," he pauses for a moment. "And loyal friends."
Esposito lifts his glass as well. "To memories."
"To loyal friends," Ryan's echoes.
The clink their glasses, letting the sound blend in with the mélange of other noises.
"To the 12th," Rick finishes.
[][][]
Two days ago...
"Beckett?"
She spun around at the sound of Montgomery's voice. Something in his tone was... off. Her brow furrowed as she watched him. "Yes Sir?"
"Can I see you in my office? Now."
She followed him in and he closed the door. "Take a seat," he said quietly, gesturing to the nearby chair. She was really worried now.
He waited a few moments and gathered his thoughts, his hands clasped out in front of him. A picture of Evelyn and one of his whole family adorned his desk.
"Captain what is-"
"Castle hasn't been here in two weeks," Roy interrupted, looking up at his star detective. His expression was unreadable and Kate's stomach was in knots because of it.
She had been lying to her team about Castle - telling them that he wanted time to write, that he had meetings, that he was busy. She left out the part where she couldn't get through to him; the part where he left her a message on her answering machine telling her he 'needed time to figure things out'; the part where they slept together; the part where she ripped his heart out.
"Uh, yeah, Sir, he's been quite busy," she returned with a tight smile. Roy watched her with something akin to sympathy... or pity. Her brow furrowed at his expression.
Why was he looking-
"He's not coming back, Beckett." Confusion clouded her graceful features. She shifted in her seat and the lines in her forehead deepened as alarm set in.
"What- what are you talking about, Captain?"
Roy pulled out a piece of paper out of his desk drawer and handed it to her. "He's not coming back, Detective. That is his letter of... resignation. For lack of a better word." She took the piece of paper with a shaking hand, feeling all the blood drain from her face. The letter had the usual 'I am grateful for the opportunity' and 'It has been an honour' written into it. What caught her, though, was the 'Sincerely yours' and his signature at the bottom of the page.
She slowly raked a hand through her silky mane before looking out the window; her world was spinning. She barely heard Roy saying that Castle had also donated three million dollars to the NYPD's-
"...children and widow's fund." He paused for a moment, licked his lips before continuing. "He's also provided money, specifically, for a new vehicle for you." At that her eyes snapped back to Roy's. She swallowed past the sudden lump in her throat and pursed her lips into a tight line; her expression growing hard.
"I don't want his money. I don't want anything from him," Kate spat out bitterly, abruptly getting up from her seat, Rick's letter still in her hands.
"Kate." She turned around, rapidly blinking away the sudden moisture in her eyes. "You didn't know? He didn't say anything?" Roy hoped that she did know.
He had left out to mention the personal letter that he had received from Castle himself, expressing his gratitude and sorrow at leaving. He didn't give a clear reason and Roy wasn't going to poke around trying to find an explanation. He was pretty sure it had something to do with the woman standing in front of him and their trip to LA. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure what must have happened.
One thing was clear, though: Richard Castle didn't want to leave.
Kate took a few moments to compose herself. "No, he didn't say a damn word."
With that she left, his letter of resignation still in hand.
His surrender.
His white flag.
Her defeat.
[][][]
Presently, back at the Haunt...
"You really leaving, Castle? I mean, for good this time?" Ryan asks, his tone laced with hope.
Rick takes a sip of his third (or forth?) scotch on the rocks. "'Fraid so... Honey Milk," he replies with a slight smirk. The other two men laugh lightly at the moniker.
"It's not gonna be the same without you, Bro. You've become like family," Esposito says after a while.
He gives them a lopsided smile. "You too. I'm gonna miss you guys," he replies, clinking his glass with each of theirs once more.
The three men sit in silence for a moment, savouring their drinks before Ryan speaks. "So, what about Beckett?"
At the mention of her name, Rick's expression sobers and he sits up, tensing. "She'll be fine." His tone is curt and terse. He keeps his eyes glued to the table, absently taking in the scratches on the surface.
"You think so? You've been through a lot together, man. You're her partner," Ryan continues, imploringly.
He looks up at Kevin, his expression hard. "I'm not her partner." He takes another sip and shrugs. "Well, not anymore."
Silence descends for a few moments. "You love her, don't you?" It's more of a statement than a question. Rick scrubs a hand over his scruffy features.
He sighs and his shoulders sag; he's Atlas carrying the weight of the world. "Yes," he admits softly. "Yes, of course I do." He looks back up to the two detectives. "She's the love of my life," he states, a hint of sadness lacing his tone. Why bother hiding it anymore? It's not as if she doesn't know already.
The two detectives glance at each other and then back at him.
"Then why are you walking away, Castle?" Esposito spits out.
This is ridiculous.
Rick's cobalt blues lock with Javier's dark, stormy gaze. "What the hell am I suppose to do? Wait around forever?"
"Give her some time, Castle. She'll come around. I know she will," Ryan - the ever romantic - interjects quietly, hopefully.
"When?" He snaps. "After she moves in with Dr. Motorcycle Boy? Or after she marries him? Or, wait, I know - after she pops out a few of his kids?" He's angry now. And maybe a little drunk. "C'mon... you guys tell me when's she's gonna come around? Shit, we can even bet on it!" He finishes his tirade, his face contorting with fury.
Ryan lets out a breath and averts his gaze from Rick's blazing blue eyes. The man in front of him wasn't the Castle they have gotten used to, wasn't the man they knew. He was like a wounded animal - cornered, dangerous and reckless.
Esposito sighs and sits back. "She loves you, man. Of that I'm sure. Hell, it's plain as day for everyone."
"Yeah, everyone except Kate," Rick mutters in reply, his gaze on one of the empty beer bottles strewn in front of them. "No, boys, I'm done chasing her. My mind's made up," he states emphatically, sitting up straight.
"So you're never coming back?" Ryan asks.
He flags down Brian the Bartender and then turns back to his friends. His brothers. "Never say never, Ryan. Never say never." He throws the last mouthful of scotch down his throat before continuing. "But that's up to Kate now. The ball is in her court."
The three men continued to celebrate, remember and even mourn - they were friends, partners, brothers.
Always.
[][][]
The previous evening...
Her heart was thudding against her ribcage, her palms were sweaty, blood was rushing in her ears. Finally, she took a deep breath and knocked on the door.
After a few moments, the door opened to reveal a scruffy, barefoot and domestic-looking Rick. An incredibly sexy Rick. He stared at her in shock for a few moments before recovering. He quickly schooled his features, careful not to reveal his true feelings.
"What are you doing here?" He asked, crossing his arms defensively.
"Can I come in please? I need to talk to you." Rick watched her for a long moment - this wasn't the Kate Beckett he was used to. Sure, she was still stunning, but there was a light missing from her eyes. She seemed lost, vulnerable. He wanted to draw her into an embrace and-
He stepped aside wordlessly to let her in; briefly closing his eyes when she walked by - the scent of her perfume swirled all around him.
He closed the door and held onto the cold, metal door handle for a moment before turning around and addressing his guest. "Detective-" The title was chewed out with a hint of bitterness. "-to what do I owe this pleasure?" His tone was aloof, his heart was racing.
"You're leaving," Kate stated simply, wringing her hands together tensely. "You're leaving and you weren't going to say goodbye."
He watched her for a long moment, clenching his jaw. "Don't worry, I am saying goodbye to Ryan and Esposito tomorrow night. And I've already said goodbye to the Captain and Lanie," he replied coolly. He walked past her towards the kitchen.
"You want a drink?"
She shook her head and there were a few beats of silence. "What about me? Were you planning on saying goodbye to me?" Her tone was small and gentle. So unlike the woman standing in front of him.
His expression grew hard, anger ghosting over his features. He wanted to scream and yell at her. After all, this was her doing. She had to have known this was what he was going to do. The only option that he was left with.
"Honestly? I didn't think it was such a good idea to see you after our... last encounter." He crossed his arms and leaned his hip against the kitchen counter. "Besides, we're saying goodbye now, aren't we?"
Kate dropped her gaze and swallowed thickly. "I don't want to say goodbye, Castle," she stated quietly before looking back up again, blinking away tears.
He uncrossed his arms. "Then what do you want from me, Kate?" He asked, his voice softly caressing her name.
She briefly closed her eyes. "I want you to stay."
Rick took a step closer to her. "Why?"
Her brow furrowed in confusion. "Why? You're- you're my partner, Rick. My best friend."
Wrong answer.
He let out a harsh laugh. "Partner? Best friend?" The titles were spat out with disdain. "Firstly, I'm not your partner. If we were, we would be equals. Of course that's not the case."
"Rick-"
He cut her off before she could continue. "And secondly - best friend? Really, Kate? Do you always sleep with your best friends?"
"Please, I-"
"You what?" He took another few steps towards her, enraged by now. The boiling pot of emotions threatening to spill over. "You what, Kate?"
"I need you here with me."
"You need me? Oh, yeah because I'm the guy who brightens your day, right? I'm the clown, the court jester, the nine-year old on a sugar rush. Just the immature writer who gives you a few laughs. That's what I am to you! That's all I've ever been to you!"
"No! You're more than that. So much more. We're friends. Rick, please-"
"Friends?" He asked in a dangerously low tone, taking another step towards her. "You don't get it, do you? I don't want to be just your damn friend!" He violently threw back at her. Hot, thick tears were by now streaming down her cheeks. He didn't feel bad because of it. "Besides, when have you ever been there for me?"
She bowed her head and took a shaky breath, pushing her lips into a thin line. She looked up at him with wet, pleading eyes. "Can't we work this out? Please."
He averted her eyes while shaking his head vehemently. "Are you still with Josh?" Rick asked suddenly.
She briefly closed her eyes and took a moment before quietly answering: "Yes."
He knew what the answer was going to be, but it still stung like a sonofabitch. "So... why do you need me? You have him. The love of your life. Your one and done. Or do you expect me to stay and watch you move in with him, be with him and, what, just take it with a smile?"
The silence stretched out for a while. "I don't know what I want, Rick," Kate admitted softly. "I just-" she rubbed a hand over her forehead. "-don't know anymore," she concluded meekly, locking her eyes with his.
He took another few steps towards her; there were only a few feet of distance between them.
"Well, figure it out. I know what I want... It's you. It's us." He hesitated before continuing. "I love you, but I can't keep doing this." With that he walked towards the door, not bothering to study her reaction to the words 'I love you'. The last time she threw it back in his face.
"Wait... That's it?" He paused for a moment before opening the door and turning back to her - sad, longing, shattered.
No, this isn't how they were supposed to end. He promised alw-
"What's there left to say?" Resignation laced his words, defeat seeped into his being.
This was his Waterloo.
This was her Waterloo.
She walked out, dazed and broken. Wishing things were different, hoping they could be repaired, longing to be close again.
They never said goodbye.
A/N: Mmmm, this came out a little differently than I anticipated. I know Kate is infuriating, but I need to keep going with the drama - they're not just going to be fixed. It's complicated and terrifying. Besides, I think that she's someone who finds it difficult to make decisions like these; she doesn't like to make changes. So, she'll probably chew on this and think about it and analyze it. She's confused right now, because I truly believe that she does have strong feelings for Josh - in my story anyway. Why else would she stay with him? And then there's what she is feeling for Castle. Maybe time apart will make things clear to her.
Once again, please review and tell me what you think.
I apologize for any spelling or grammar mistakes.