7

Hospital examination

October 12

Elliot was starting to feel hungry. He was also starting to feel stiff from all the driving, although he was less willing to admit to that. He suggested they stop at the next suitable place and get something to eat and have a rest. Olivia agreed. He could sense she was reluctant, but, as was typical for her, she was obviously trying to put on a brave face.

"We could stop at a convenience store and get something there if you prefer," he suggested. "We could find somewhere to park and eat and maybe stretch our legs a little.

"That sounds good to me," she said, relieved. She hadn't wanted to face another busy roadside café. She preferred to just be with Elliot, no one else. She knew on some level it was ridiculous, but what if she ran into Pat? She didn't think she could cope with seeing him again, ever, and preferred to avoid even the slightest possibility of that happening, however remote it may be.

They pulled into the next Convenience store and bought some sandwiches and a few snacks for their make-shift picnic. Then they drove a little down the road and found a parking area with a short trail and picnic benches under the shade of some trees. There was no one else there.

"This looks good," Elliot said, sitting down at a bench. She sat down opposite him and they opened up their sandwiches. He watched her as she nibbled half-heartedly at the corner of her sandwich. "You still have no appetite?" he asked.

"Not really," she replied. She set the sandwich down and picked up her bottle of water.

"We should make sure you eat properly this evening," he said. She didn't reply. Her stomach was in knots. The last thing she wanted to do was eat. She knew she was worrying Elliot. Perhaps this had been a bad idea, coming away with him. She wanted to be close to him, but she felt so lost and down that she was finding it hard to make any conversation. It couldn't be any fun for him. She was terrified he would run a mile once he realised how messed up she really was about this. She felt like her head was going to explode. She kept remembering it over and over again. The feel of his hands, the pressure of the knife, the feeling she was going to die, the humiliation, the helplessness. She needed to force it out of her head, stop going over and over it. It happened. Life would go on. It had to. She blinked a couple of times, forcing away the welling tears. She was not going to cry again. It was pointless. It was weak. She suddenly wanted to shower again. She wanted all traces of Pat gone.

She glanced at Elliot. He didn't seem to have noticed how close she had come to crying again. He probably thought she was all cried out. She watched him finish off his sandwich. He saw her looking at him and he smiled. She returned his smile. She suddenly wanted him holding her again. She forced the thought away. She didn't want to be some clingy needy victim. She didn't want him to think she couldn't deal with this. The only trouble was that she was seriously doubting whether she actually could.

She silently scolded herself again for being so weak. She could feel her thoughts spiralling down by the second. What was the point of her existence again? She was in her mid-forties unmarried, childless, probably incapable of doing her job any more due to being so careless that she had allowed herself to be raped by not paying enough attention to what was happening around her. Some detective she was. She couldn't even suss out a colleague. Perhaps she really would be better off taking some pills, ending her pain, her loneliness, her uselessness. She wondered if she'd even manage to do that properly.

Elliot was in front of her now though. He was being so patient with her. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve her. He deserved someone better, someone who wasn't so damaged. She couldn't hurt him though. He would be devastated, she knew that. It was the main thing keeping her on a somewhat even keel at the moment, ultimately keeping her dark thoughts pushed back somewhat. She suddenly wished they weren't outside and so exposed. She wanted to be completely alone with him, back in bed, with him holding his body tightly to hers, protecting her, making her feel safe again…loving her. She wanted to feel his lips pressed to her own, his gentle hands running through her hair, stroking her face. She wanted to run her own hands all over his body and explore every part of him, force his eyes closed as she made him feel pleasure. She wanted to somehow repay him for all his patience and kindness, let him know that she was worth it and that she would make him feel good too. She wanted to replace the memories of her last physical encounter with new and happy ones. She didn't want to keep remembering her rape. She wanted something new to remember, something she could focus on instead.

She stood, intending to use the nearby rest room. As she did though, she suddenly felt really light-headed. Blackness was enveloping her vision from the outside in, until suddenly everything was black and she had a vague sensation of falling. Then she felt someone holding her.

"Liv!" she heard his voice. He sounded almost panicked. Elliot. She was speaking but no sound came out. Where on earth was she? Then she remembered she was outside, half-lying on the grass, with Elliot now cradling her upper body. She realised she must have fainted and that Elliot was now holding her.

"Liv!" she heard again. "It's OK, you fainted."

"Sorry… was all she managed to say. I didn't mean to worry you.

"Don't speak, Liv," he instructed her. "Here, let's sit you up and take a minute." He helped her up and she leaned against him. "Liv, I want to take you to the hospital," he said slowly, knowing she would resist.

"El, I'm fine, really. I just fainted," she said.

"I know, but all the same. We should get you checked out, make sure you didn't sustain any serious damage during the assault and get you preventative care for any potential STDs." He tightened his arm around her, registering her miserable expression. He felt another sudden burn of anger in the pit of his stomach as he briefly thought about what he would like to do to the bastard who had done this to her. He suppressed it quickly. She needed him calm, not going off the deep-end. In any case she still hadn't mentioned who it was. He suspected she knew and he hoped in time she would tell him. He was also hoping to convince her to do a rape exam at the hospital, just in case she changed her mind about reporting it. Although he knew it was likely too late now to get any good evidence since she had showered at least twice since the attack. Rape kits were still generally carried out up to seventy six hours after the attack and hers had only happened just under twenty-four hours ago.

"Please Liv," he said, "For me."

She looked up at him and saw the worry in his eyes. "OK," she agreed, "But no police."

"OK," he sighed. "Let's just make sure you are OK." He raised his hand and wiped away a tear which was slowly falling down her unusually pale cheek. "Come on," he said. He walked her back to the car and they got in and buckled their seat belts.

After about an hour's drive, they reached Kingstown on Rhode Island. Asking at a convenience store he got directions to the main hospital and they headed there. They pulled into a car parking space and Elliot cut the engine.

"Are you ready?" he asked. Olivia had been silent the whole way. He knew the thought of facing an intimate exam must be terrifying to her, but he believed ensuring her physical health was important enough to warrant it.

"I'm here with you, Liv" he said, clasping her hand briefly. "You can do this."

She opened the door and got out of the car. He immediately went over to her side of the car and put his arm around her. "Slowly," he instructed. "We don't want you fainting again." She allowed him to support her, another sign to him that she was really not feeling well. He was even more relieved they had come to the hospital. He locked the car and they made their way to the ER department.

At the front desk Elliot explained briefly that she had been sexually assaulted and that she was a police officer, knowing that it should get them some degree of preferential treatment. They were quickly ushered into a private room and a female nurse came to take Olivia's patient history and her vitals and some blood for testing. Elliot held her hand tightly as Olivia gave a brief outline of the attack. She sounded distant, almost numb, as she talked about it. Ever since he had insisted on taking her to the hospital she had seemed to sink into herself, barely talking, with a distant expression on her face. He hoped the physical exam would be quick, she'd be given a clean bill of health and then they could get away and find somewhere to stay overnight and have a quiet evening away from the world. He knew she wasn't ready to be around other people right now.

It wasn't long before the doctor arrived to carry out the examination. She was around Olivia's age, with kind eyes and a deep soothing voice. Elliot felt himself relax in her presence. Olivia was still tense and remained silent.

The doctor checked the places that the nurse had recorded on her observation chart during her initial examination. The doctor noted the bruising on her head and face, including that which was hidden by her hair and the bruising and cut to her neck. She also found bruises on her shoulders, breasts, back and hips, which Elliot had been unaware of. There was even a small cut and bruises on her knees which he supposed she had done when her attacker had pushed her to the ground afterwards. It was devastating. He had been present for so many other victims, but this was different. This was Olivia. He felt overwhelmed. He didn't want to break down in front of her. She needed him to be strong. She didn't need to see how upset he really was about all this.

Elliot knew it was almost time for the internal examination. "I'll wait outside, Liv," he said.

"You won't leave, will you?" she asked, clinging on to his hand as he tried to move away.

"Liv, I told you, I'm staying here with you. I promise! I'll be right outside. As soon as it's over, I'll come back in." He brought her hand to his face and kissed it gently. "You can do this. I promise I'm not leaving."

"Stay," she said. "Please don't leave." She was as close to begging as he'd ever heard her.

"You want me to stay for the exam?" he asked her, making sure he had understood correctly. She nodded. "You can stand this end though," she added. Elliot smiled.

"Well if you're sure," he said, holding her hand tightly.

"You have a slight fever, Olivia," said the doctor. "You're also slightly dehydrated. I want to start an IV."

"I don't want to stay in hospital," Olivia said anxiously.

"It'll only take a couple of hours," said the doctor. "It will make you feel much better."

"Fine," she agreed reluctantly. The doctor called the nurse over and instructed her to begin an IV.

When she had finished the doctor got ready for the internal examination. "I'm going to check for injuries below, Olivia," she explained gently. I think you could have an infection." Olivia closed her eyes. When was this whole nightmare going to be over? What if it was an STI? She was mortified at the thought.

"Can you remove your underwear and open your legs for me." Olivia did as asked. The doctor carried out the examination quickly, explaining every step as she went through the procedure. Finally it was over.

"You have some minor internal lacerations, but I don't think they need stitching," the doctor explained. "I'm worried that you could have an infection starting though, so I'm going to prescribe some antibiotics and an oestrogen cream, which should help you heal more quickly. I would advise against using tampons or sexual intercourse for a few days at least. If you have any abdominal pain or a sustained high fever, then you need to come back right away and get checked out. I think the chances of an STD are pretty low given the fact a condom was used. You can get tested for most infections in two weeks time. You will need a follow up HIV test in six months to be certain, but as I said, given the fact he used a condom, I believe the chances are low."

"OK," replied Olivia. "So I can go?"

"After the IV has finished, then yes," replied the doctor. Olivia smiled, relieved.

"I'm going to give you some pamphlets. I really recommend you see a rape counsellor."

"Thanks doctor," said Olivia dismissively. Elliot took the pamphlets for her. "I'll talk to her later," he said. Then the doctor left.

"You'll talk to me later?" asked Olivia, teasingly. He grinned back at her. He hadn't really been joking. He knew she knew the score though. Sadly this wasn't her first time going through a sexual assault either.

"So what do you say we try and find a hotel after we're finished up here?" he asked. "We can rest and maybe watch a movie or something."

"Sure," she said.

"Is there anything you fancy for dinner?" he asked, hoping that she would feel like eating. If her body was fighting an infection, he knew that she needed to eat properly.

"I kind of fancy something light," she said.

"OK, we can do that," he said pleased she was trying. "Listen, I need to go the bathroom. I'm going to call the nurse in to sit with you while I'm gone. I promise I won't be long."

"OK," she said.

Elliot pressed the call button and when the nurse appeared explained that he needed to use the rest room. The nurse agreed to stay with Olivia while he was gone and then he left.

The male rest room was empty. After relieving himself, he stood in front of the sink, washing his hands. It was hospital grade antiseptic soap and suddenly the colour and smell of it drove home that he was in a hospital and that the reason for that was that Olivia had been viciously assaulted. He suddenly felt sick. He had hardly had time to get his head around the situation, as he had been so focused on staying by her side and supporting her as best he could. This was so hard though. He was devastated for her. He couldn't keep his mind from imagining what she had gone through during the attack. He forced himself out of the bathroom, knowing that she was waiting for him.

In the corridor he saw the doctor. She stepped towards him.

"You need to make sure you take some time out for yourself too," she said kindly, placing her hand on his arm. "It' just as traumatic for secondary victims you know."

"She needs me," he replied.

"I know," replied the doctor. "But you need to look after yourself too if you're going to be able to help her."

"I'll be fine," said Elliot. "I need to get back to her."

"Sure," replied the doctor. She watched him return to Olivia's room, glad that Olivia had someone like him to help her through this. So many of the victims she saw come through their doors had absolutely no one.