"Ugh, smells of LCL…" Shinji jogged through the long, thin archway, sword strapped to his back and his short hair bobbing stiffly with his movements. Entering the room proper he spies a colossal worm-like creature attached to the ceiling by way of many pipes and hoses. "Ah," he says, "you must be the secret ingredient." The worm apparently had a functioning brain, limbs and a face, because it writhed and shifted at the sound of his voice, eventually thrusting its face in his direction.

"Who are you?"

"I'm your pilot you ugly sack of shit." Shinji spat his words with vitriol, this didn't seem like a Succubus at all. The worm flexed its bony, uncannily human and uncannily large arms, causing most of the pillars in the room to shatter and twist.

[WORMIEL]

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOOOOOUUUUU!?" The end of its sentence came out as a screech backed by an unearthly choral group, a choral group that apparently sprays lasers on the high notes. Shinji jumped to the side as the laser raked across the ground he had recently been standing upon.

"You missed." He said with a cocky strut, then continued: "My name, by the way, is Shinji."

Wormiel took a moment to paw at its mouth as though cramming the lasers back down.

"Shinji? Son of Gendo? And Yui the WHOOOOOOOOOOORRRREEEE?" Its efforts to contain the lasers was futile however, as they again burst forth.

"Yes. But you can call me Shinji the Seraphim-slayer. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

"You want to kill me? You can't kill me, I'm more than twelve hundred years old!"

"You don't look a day over twelve thousand." Shinji retorted.

"Fuck you!" Wormiel however, was determined to be the insult champion.

"Fuck you!"

"FUCK YOUUUUUU!"

Boring Filler Chapter No. 2

Ritsuko Akagi stood in the colossal chamber at the top of the NERV pyramid that served as the Commander's office. She'd recently been one floor below, assessing the damage dealt to the city by Shinji's battle; now she was reporting said assessment to her superiors.

"No serious damage was inflicted on any permanent infrastructure, though several people were killed by the attack on the positron rifle. Unit-00 is being refitted with new plating and the shielding is being recycled."

"Very good Doctor. And the Third Child?"

"Pilot Ikari is currently being held in a suppression chamber as a precaution against Angelic contamination; he will be released after a quarantine perio-"

"Will he be remaining in Tokyo-3 after the quarantine is lifted?"

"That question remains to be answered provided he is deemed clear of any contamination."

...

The light swung lower, nearly blinding Shinji with the sudden infusion of photons into the very Dark and Menacing room with Black Pillars inscribed with Arcane Markings. As he was to understand it, he was being held in this place because the Angels had spoken to him, though the reasoning behind what was clearly Magical Angel Suppressant Pillars was beyond his understanding of Science. No one had spoken to him after he had entered the room, no one had provided him food either, it was beginning to get somewhat ridiculous: He'd last eaten before leaving the city, not leaving the city, getting a laser to the face, lasering an Angel in the face and the like. Compounding the issue was the swinging light that seemed to get brighter every time he seemed ready to go to sleep, perhaps due to some arcane process embedded in its thaumaturgic origin as a Magic Angel Suppressant Light Bulb. He wasn't sure how long he had been kept in the room, nor how long he would reasonably be kept in the room, only that each Pillar throbbed with red energy every three seconds and each throb was one second in duration with 2159 throbs since he had begun counting at least one hour into his 'incarceration'.

Realising the situation would not improve unless he improved it, Shinji stood up out of the folding chair he had been sitting on and strode the three or so paces to the nearest Pillar and searched the corners of the room for the cameras he had searched for before. Satisfied that there was only one trained directly on this Pillar and any others must be well hidden, Shinji waved his arms out wide, calling out to whoever was watching.

"You've kept me here for three hours now, and if I don't get an explanation and a toilet sometime soon I'm gonna let fly on this thing here," jabbing a thumb toward the Pillar for emphasis "and it better be soon, I'm just about ready to burst here." Waiting for a few throbs and receiving no answer Shinji decided that 'The Man' was in need of some yellow vandalism. Turning his back to the camera Shinji opened his fly and began to release several hours of pent-up urine. Midway through the deed the hairs in the back of Shinji's neck rippled as a voice came crackling through speakers to give new life to his worse nightmares.

"Shinji, stop this right now so we can talk like sensible people, this isn't the kind of thing I want to report to the U.N." Hearing his father's voice mid-stream made him shiver, but not the shiver that feels sort-of-good as long as you don't miss the toilet, the kind of shiver that would normally cause one to lose control of both bladder and bowels simultaneously, luckily the lack of food for nearly 24 hours had already voided his intestines of significant matter. Coughing nervously, Shinji mustered himself for a reply.

"It's a little hard for me to stop right now, but if you give me a minute I'll be done." As strained as his voice made him sound, his brain was far from it; the brain of Shinji Ikari was so far from strained it had resolved the spectrum of emotions as a mobius strip and ended up somewhere in the region of 'Cthulhu Ftaghn'. It was good then, Shinji mused as he returned his fly to its upright position, that there were devices scattered around the room designed to annihilate eldritch presences. With a terrified mask of a face, Shinji turned to face the camera as his father's voice began to issue forth yet again.

"Pilot Ikari, will you confirm that you made communicative contact with the entities designated as the 4th and 5th Angel?"

Communica-what? Shinji thought, before realising this must be part of an Official Report, so everything anyone said had to be Official and exhaustively comprehensive. Third Child Pilot Shinji Ikari then realised that since everything Official is recorded footage of him urinating on classified NERV property will be viewed by most if not all of the U.N. Review Council, or whatever their name may be.

"Yes Commander, the Angels spoke to me using telepathic contact." Shinji wasn't sure how to word 'The cosmic horror spoke with its mind and I stabbed it to death.' in Official language without sounding like an out of work novelist, but he was pretty sure he had it wrong, but his father wasn't making an issue out of it.

"And after making contact with the Angels you responded verbally, why?"

"I wasn't sure how to respond with my mind so I spoke instead. It appeared to be an effective strategy so I continued in that manner." As he said more and more he realised how stupid it must all sound to an outside observer. 'Yes dad, after the alien started taking over my mind I beat it to death with a carcass I found lying around. No dad, I won't do it again, I've learned my lesson.'

"And after making contact with the Angels and you insulted it?"

"That is correct sir." Deeper and deeper Shinji sank, eventually chancing upon the wreck of the TORtanic in the ocean of stupid shit.

"What did the Angels say to elicit such a response? Please be as comprehensive as possible."

"They mostly tried to imply that I was inferior to them, actually I think that's all they said." And if you look to the left, Ladies and Gentlemen, you'll see the Marinara trench.

"You also abandoned your post as gunner to attack the Angels directly, severely damaging several million Yen worth of equipment. Were these actions driven by the contact with the Angels?" This is definitely the point, Shinji thought to himself. There was a point when this sort of stuff should have stopped and I've clearly passed it.

"That is also correct sir."

"I see." There was silence for a long while then, broken only by the regular throb of the Pillars; it might have been Shinji's imagination playing tricks on him, but he was certain the Pillar with the widening pool around it had a throb of a slightly different timbre than the rest. Eventually, 30.5 throbs later, the silence was broken once again by his father, still performing in his capacity as Commander of NERV.

"Will you continue to pilot Evangelion Unit-01?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Uh, is that a why do people defend humanity in general question, or specifically me?"

"Never mind then."

Everything went silent then, even the throbbing of the Pillars died away, the light began to dim and a door began to slide open out of nowhere.

...

As the sun rises over the plain, one can observe what seems from above a colony of ants, tens of thousands strong. It is in fact a massive grouping of Homo Sapiens, Humans if you prefer. This city, as it is called, miles across, contains not only Humans and their hunting grounds, but many small creatures that live alongside the Humans in a bizarre symbiosis. It may at first seem odd that so many other creatures are allowed to co-exist with a species that has a well-earned place as deadliest predator on the planet, but each creature has found a niche, a role to fill that ensures their survival. Take for example this single den, one of millions, with a mature female and juvenile male residing within. Also within the den is a male Hot-Spring Penguin the female brought to the den some time ago, being given food and relative comfort in return for remaining within the den at all times. Observe also the juvenile male, fellow inhabitant of the den and of slightly better standing than the Penguin. The male arrived in the den less than a month ago, but do not think for a moment that he is the female's chosen mate; even after reaching what this species determines as sexual maturity he has not won any mating rights whatsoever. The male appears to be part of a strategy from the female to use the increase in numbers to ward off much larger predators. This city their den is located in is based on the same idea at a much larger scale; it is such an important facet of life for these amazing creatures that they will seek out even so little as a single other to be with, even though they are still isolated. This idea is at work even in their day-to-day interactions with each other, even in how they eat their meals it is apparent. See here; the female, the undisputed den master, has offered a shared meal with a female from a nearby den. This second female, which is distinguished by her golden hair pattern, spent several of her juvenile years with the first female, before either had developed into full maturity; the two have developed a strong bond because of those years together.

...

Shinji wasn't sure why Dr Akagi was in the apartment, he wasn't notified of any plans in relation to Dr Akagi being in the apartment nor was he psychic enough to predict Dr Akagi being in the apartment. Lacking the interference of any paranormal perceptive abilities or any normal perceptive abilities the most likely explanation for Dr Akagi being in the apartment was in relation to his recent absence from said apartment and more recent return. It was on this assumption, then, that he based his interactions with the people in the apartment that evening.

"Now Shinji," Dr Akagi began, brandishing a small card, "we've reinstated your Pilot status and upgraded the security clearance for both you and Rei." Shinji reached over the low table to take the card, noting it was a slightly different colour than the previous card had been.

"Wait: 'Upgraded Security'? Does that mean I get to read Top Secret files or something?" Shinji wasn't hopeful or excited, just curious. Dr Akagi shook her head.

"Not exactly, but you are the reason behind most of our Top Secret files if it makes you feel any better. To be honest I don't know why you get upgraded security when you don't need to know anything." Dr Akagi looked around melodramatically, then leant in close to Shinji's ear. "Just between you and me, I think it has something to do with the stink you caused with the bosses in the U.N."

Shinji jerked his head backwards, afraid of head-butting the woman in control of his un-castrated self.

"Bosses? I thought my father was his own boss, more or less."

Somehow, even Pen-Pen was able to think that was a stupid question, the combined gaze of two tipsy women and a penguin bearing down on Shinji, beating him into the purely metaphorical ground.

"Most of the time, that would be true, but for the other times, like now, be careful, is all I'm saying." Dr Akagi rose from the very low table in the sitting room to gather up her things, then turned back to Shinji with another card. "And if you could give this to Rei when you're at school tomorrow I'd appreciate it."

...

When Shinji returned to school the next day, he found little to be different from when he had first arrived, Toji and Kensuke were gathered around a single desk discussing boyish pursuits, Horaki was busy at the front of the class with some other girls on the roster for today and Rei was absent as per standard. Expecting Rei to be absent for the rest of the day, Shinji made his way to his seat next to Kensuke's, catching the eye of most of the class, Horaki included. Within moments of taking his seat he was dragged by the arm into the hallway by the claws of a harpy sent from the depths of Tartarus.

"You do realise you're just giving me more work don't you? Now I've had to adjust the rosters again to include you and now everyone will have to memorise a fourth roster!"

"Couldn't you just go back to the roster from when I first got here?"

"Because then I haven't accounted for you not being here! It's important that everyone is on the class roster an equal number of times and you've skipped out on two days in which you were rostered; do you understand the issue at hand now?"

With a nervous twiddle of his fingers, Shinji fell back on a tried and true method of remedying a situation as old as time itself: make shit up then run away from the shit you just made up.

"I understand that you may want to speak to a medical professional. Do you also happen to suffer from an oppressive need for tidiness?" Slipping out of Horaki's vice-like grip, Shinji dodged his way back into the class, spinning around to avoid desks and people, slamming himself into his chair hard enough to jolt his spine.

"Hey man, you alright? I mean, I know women can be scary at times and all, but you shouldn't throw away a good thing too soon, know what I mean?"

"Everything is quite alright Kensuke, I was merely having a discussion with Miss Horaki about the class roster during my absence, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to question this fact if I am not at school tomorrow please contact NERV." Sitting ramrod straight, Shinji rapidly degenerated into frantic mumbling as the aforementioned Class Representative somehow slammed the sliding door into the classroom and stomped heavily to her seat with nary a glance to Shinji, though the idea of a shriveling flower was present in Shinji's mind as he crossed his legs in the moments before class began.

...

"And that, students, is how Tokyo-3 came to be following Second Impact, but what you should have learned is that NERV is not to be messed with in any way shape or form, even if they want to shut down your weekly pathfinder game…" The teacher trailed off into mumblings about 'filthy 4th Edition race-traitors' as the bell rang and Horaki called out the end of the class. As soon as most of the class had gathered their bags to leave, Shinji was set upon by a small mob of people. With a 'Yo Shinji' this, a 'Hey man you should totally…' that. Just as he felt ready to suffocate, he was saved by a sharp yank at his collar, pulling him free of the heaving masses

"People please! If he dies then we're equally screwed, so shift yer shit before I kick yer shit!" With a puff of his chest, Toji managed to scare all of two people away, the rest seeing the reasoning behind his bravado and dispersing of their own accord. As Shinji was murmuring his thanks to his savior the bespectacled visage of Kensuke Aida began to intrude into his personal space. Thrusting a sheaf of handouts into his unsuspecting hands, Kensuke slid his glasses further up his nose and adopted a terrible Russian accent.

"Komrade Ikari, Glorious Leader Horaki commands that you deliver these top secret documents to Komrade Ayanami at the attached location. If you fail, the gulag will be the least of your worries."

Shuffling the papers into his bag Shinji departed the classroom through the rear door, not even looking at the still-irate Horaki, hunched over the as-yet-incomplete class roster. Actually exiting the school would appear to be difficult, however, as a much larger mob had converged on all entrances to the classroom, all just as eager as the last group had been. Seeing no way out barring the diplomatic approach, Shinji cried out "Official NERV business!" to all comers and shouldered his way through the crowd with the associated force of a drunk, three-legged llama. Sprinting from the school building with some people still chasing him, Shinji didn't hear his seldom-used, NERV-issued mobile phone beeping and buzzing away in his pocket, but he did see the MoNeSlMan standing just outside the school gate, somehow staring intently at him through sunglasses blacker than the suits the MoNeSlMen wore in the interminable summer. He also saw several more MoNeSlMen materialise from behind the first like a bizarre recreation of a matryoshka doll. Diving between a minuscule gap between two of the MoNeSlMen Shinji was pulled rather roughly into what seemed to be a car made from the same black cloth as the suit of its driver.

"Pilot Ikari, for your safety we will return you to your apartment building. We recommend you remain there for the rest of the day." Said driver seemed to have commissioned seat covers made from his jacket as well, because he was the only MoNeSlMan that was not wearing a black jacket made specifically to hide guns by absorbing every microgram of heat from the surrounding atmosphere.

Rummaging through his wallet, Shinji retrieved Rei's new card and waved it around aimlessly in the direction of the steering wheel.

"I was asked to deliver this to Rei, but she wasn't at school today, so I need to take it to her house along with these handouts from class."

With a sigh, the driver turned to face Shinji with a 500 Yen coin clutched in his hand.

"Tell you what: you call it as it falls; you lose, you go home like a good boy and we deliver those for you; you win, I'll drive you there myself and you deliver it in person." With a flick of his thumb, the MoNeSlMan flipped the coin into the air, where it seemed to hang for a moment before being snatched out of the air by Shinji.

"Giant robot." Buckling himself into the seat, Shinji sat back with a satisfied grin.

...

As the MoNeSlMobile got closer to Rei's apartment building, Shinji could see a dramatic increase in the number of decrepit, dishevelled or otherwise abandoned buildings. Quite frankly, he was astonished that his father would allow such buildings to remain in such a state in the city of the future. Even more astounding to Shinji was the idea that NERV Housing and Logistics would actually still be using the buildings to house employees, particular the Pilots of top-of-the-range Bio-Mechanoids built to defend Humanity. When they finally arrived at Rei's building, Shinji wasn't sure if they were in the right place.

"Um, are we in the right place? It's just that the only building here is that." Pointing the building out, Shinji noticed even more issues with its current state than before. Most of the upper levels had been forcefully removed, several floors were missing a walkway and the hazard tape across the entrance-ways didn't help with the overall aesthetic of the place.

"That's the one." The driver didn't even look to the building he was pointing at, so Shinji guessed that everyone in the security section had seen the decrepit apartment stack before.

It turned out that much of the 'safety measures' installed in the building were as defunct as the rest of the building; there was an open elevator shaft with no tape across it, the stairs which should have been removed were left to remove themselves and it seemed impossible for anything weighing more than 70 Newtons to traverse what stairs remained. Nevertheless, through some redistribution of physical laws Shinji was able to make his way up to one of the few floors that still existed. And still had a floor.

It also turned out that Rei felt secure enough living in such an area to leave her front door unlocked. Gently pushing the door in, Shinji rationalised it away on merit of there being no one else living in the area of their own accord. Standing in the entryway, he thought he could hear sounds somewhere that weren't a natural result of extreme decay, but he wasn't entirely sure. Looking around for a place to simply leave the handouts and card, Shinji saw that the letterbox was stuffed full of past handouts and letters. Perusing the various(read:four or so) surfaces and alcoves he could place the items, Shinji saw that they were all of some description full or otherwise unsuitable. The kitchen bench was covered in unopened microwave meal packets, the small table beside the bed had a lamp on it, the bed was just impolite, the floor was covered with underwear and a school uniform and the other table beside the bed had glasses of water and a pair of glasses on it. His curiosity piqued, Shinji looked further, noting that the glasses were the same as his father used to wear before he began wearing the amber lenses that were his current style. As he went to pick the glasses up to investigate, a voice called out behind him.

"Who's there?"

Glasses still in hand, Shinji turned to see Rei, dripping wet and naked, stepping out of a side passageway that he assumed to lead to the bathroom. Shinji wasn't sure why his first thought was of where the bathroom was, not why Rei was seemingly comfortable with him seeing her naked. A major puzzle was why she was so overprotective of the pair of glasses he held, since she seemed, for the first time since Shinji had met her, to be angry. Still naked, without even a towel around her, Rei practically stormed across the short distance to Shinji, reaching out to the glasses Shinji held. With a yank, Rei pulled them from his hands, pushing him out of the way with the other to put the glasses back on the table. As Rei's attention left him, Shinji decided that now would probably be a good time to stop looking at the wet, naked and still slightly soapy fourteen year old girl, but many parts of his brain, Rational Frontal Cortex included, said it was definitely the best thing to do and that he should keep doing it. Moving back slightly, Shinji muttered "Quiet you." in the general direction of his pants.

"Did you say something?" Rei had already put the glasses back on the table, almost reverently, and had just turned to go back to the bathroom for a towel.

"Nevermind, just, uh, talking to my penis is all." Surprised he had said that aloud, Shinji's throat muscles clamped down on each other as soon as they were done pushing air over his vocal chords.

"I see. I was not aware the male genitalia was capable of speech." Rei had apparently abandoned her Quest for A Towel because she just stood there in the middle of the room facing away from Shinji.

"It isn't."

Shut up brain, you're making this worse for the both of us.

THERE IS ONLY ONE OF 'US', YOU ARE ME AS I AM YOU

You shut up too.

"I see." Rei returned to her Quest as she turned the corner into the bathroom. Taking a towel from just inside the door, Rei began to dry herself off, as Shinji stared resolutely at the ceiling, despite the best interests of many portions of his brain, Jungian Psychoanalysis included.

REI LOOKS PRETTY GOOD FROM BEHIND, WOULDN'T YOU SAY?

Shut up already, you show up at the worst times.

YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO TAP THAT

Shutupshutupshutup!

YOU'RE GOING TO TAP THAT SO HARD THE NEXT MAN TO PULL YOU OUT WILL BE CROWNED KING OF ENGLAND

What does that even mean?

Shinji's thoughts were interrupted by his phone vibrating wildly, as though his pocket were home to a miniaturised Michael J. Fox. Taking it out of his pocket and flipping it open, he barely remembered that this would be an official call from NERV and that he should act accordingly.

"Pilot Ikari speaking."

"Did you, at 1530 today, attempt to threaten a member of your security detail?" the voice on the other end of the line was surprisingly monotone, managing to convey only the information required and the immense feeling of displeasure.

"Could you explain that?"

"Come to headquarters. Now." Abruptly, as though the phone had run out of power, the call was over. Flipping the phone shut and returning it to his pocket, Shinji saw that Rei was now dressed in her school uniform as though she had been at school all this time and had only just returned home. Rei was in the entranceway putting on her shoes when she seemed to remember that Shinji existed.

"Thank you for bringing me the handouts Shinji." Rei didn't bother smiling, or even acknowledging his existence past that, she simply turned away from him and began walking out the door. Perplexed, Shinji managed to stand in one spot by Rei's bed before he realised he didn't want to be locked into the decrepit apartment alone.

"Wait!" he called, dodging out of the doorway just as it was closing. "You forgot your card."

"I see. Thank you." Without even looking him in the eye, Rei took the card and left.

It was almost eerie, how Rei was practically ignoring him, especially after the operation to defeat the latest Angels; Shinji felt that after what had happened, they should be at least a little bit closer, friendship-wise.

"Rei, if I've done something wrong, please tell me." For what seemed like the billionth time that day, Shinji watched as Rei stopped walking, turned slightly and answered him.

"You have not. Because of you, I feel… different. I feel good. Thank you."

...

Is it just me or is it hard to make Rei emote without her sounding like Yuki?