After a good night sleep and a full battery of tests all cleared in the morning, I was discharged with some throat spray and mild painkillers for the bruises; I had plenty of arnica at home so I would keep using that on my sides until they healed – it was just damage to the skin and it wasn't so raw anymore, tender in the shower but not painful. Spike picked me up at the back of 11am and since he had been given a late arrival pass, he picked me up in his gear and manly picked me up and walked out with me in his arms – much to my embarrassment and giggles from the other nurses I knew in the ward. He set me down just outside the car park and we made our way to the SUV and I wanted to go see everyone at the barn; he nodded since my car was still there anyway and I would go straight home for food and bed once I had saw everyone. We headed in and found them all working out in the gym; I waved to everyone and they all came over as I made my way to them.

"Hey, how are the lungs holding up?" Sam asked.

"Good thanks, sound a bit like Kermit though so I'm allowed back on Monday as long as I pass fitness – sorry about the scare guys!" I replied.

"Not your fault and the good thing is we got the truck refitted as Spike requested months ago, Halloran just didn't like the way it had to happen!" Jules replied.

I chuckled and left them to their exercises and found Wordy with Parker and a harassed Ed who was still not back to work yet; you could just feel the boredom he was feeling. I leaned against the wall as he moaned he was bored to death, needed back to work and was having to wait for his doctor to clear him since I was off duty. The others were saying that it was standard protocol after such a heavy infection and they just needed to do the physical evaluation and requalification test in the range. He groaned and I stifled a laugh as I walked around to face the meeting room and announce myself.

"Boss other option is I can do it today and you get two people back on Monday if he passes!" I called gently.

All three of them looked towards me and burst out in smiles, I was in my jeans, check shirt and trainers and probably looked a shit load healthier than three days ago; they all stood up as I entered and grinned at Ed who gave me a massive hug.

"Hey kiddo how's the cold?"

"Cold sucks, but liveable until it clears – just sound like Kermit the Frog now!"

"I was going to be a gentleman and not say anything but you sound hysterical!" Wordy quipped.

I looked at him and burst out laughing, that turned to coughing and a pat on the back as I caught my breath, no funny movies for me for a few days until I got rid of the cough. I looked to Parker and grinned before pointing to Ed and the gym, he nodded and Ed kissed my cheek as he went to get organised.

Two hours later we had a very happy TL and he was just finishing up in the range when the alarm went off for a call, I headed out on sheer instinct and made it to the weapons locker before realising what I had done – everyone looked at me and I shrugged.

"Don't worry; you're not the only one who did this!" Parker said laughing.

"Keep the peace guys, and no injuries!" I called as they ran for the garage.

After submitting my paperwork I headed to my car and went grocery shopping knowing full well that Spike would have been fed at the teams houses while I was in hospital; it was soothing to do something so mundane as choosing peanut butter and meals for the week – everything went with pasta! An hour or so later I got home, packed everything away and headed for the couch with a stew in the oven and a big bowl of soup for myself.

Nine in the evening and I had heard nothing from Spike, he was over two hours late and I knew he was due to come straight home, I text the guys and waited on a response as I put away the dishes and then my phone beeped.

'Spike took a personal day, is he not home?'

I dialled Wordy and he thankfully picked up after a moment, I was praying that Spike was there or he would know where he could be?

"Mac is everything alright, I just got the text?"

"I just heard that he took a personal day, he hasn't been seen since he dropped me at the barn – any ideas where he could be?"

"One of the guys would have told us if he was with them, want me to come out and search with you?" he asked.

"No its alright, he might just have gone to the movies for some peace and quiet, get away from the crazy for a while; if you hear anything though, please let me know!"

A couple more hours passed and I had heard nothing from anyone, where the hell could he be at 1am? I was just about to pick up the phone when my mobile went off with Metro Police calling me, this wasn't good!

"Mac, its Fiona from 41; we just found Spike in the graveyard and he's a real mess – it's off the books but he is in no fit state to drive or walk – can you come and get him?"

My stomach just bottomed out, he was in the graveyard and wasted – what the hell?

"I'll be there in ten Fiona, try and get some water into him if possible," I replied.

Ten minutes later I pulled into the graveyard and hit the brakes when I saw them beside a body prone on the ground, I got out the car and ran across to them with my heart in my throat and sheer anger at what was going on. Fiona stopped me as she pointed to the bottles and I nodded as we got him into the car and strapped in.

"Thank you Fiona, it means a lot!" I whispered.

"Even SRU can have bad days, but he needs help – nightmares of someone called Lou and his dad – even you – scared the crap outta me when I heard the scream!"

I nodded and drove like the fury back towards the house, I was tapping out my anger on the steering wheel and once this idiot had woken up a little bit he was getting it between the eyeballs. I pulled up in the driveway and managed to get a very drunk Spike into the house and up the stairs, I shoved him in the large shower and stripped him off to warm up, he just leaned against the wall and made comments. I got him dried up and shoved him into the spare bed and wrapped him up tightly before heading to the library to grab my medical kit and make up a couple of banana bags for him, that was probably the only thing that would help him sober up for the morning. An hour later I was exhausted and after getting Spike set up with the IVs and anti-sickness meds that would be his saviour in the morning; I fell asleep on the chair.

My alarm went off at 5am and I groaned, I had barely gotten to sleep since Spike was having really vivid drunk dreams, several times he cried out and I ended up having to give him a mild sedative after getting him to the bathroom. I headed for a quick shower and change and got the new IVs set up and some more sedatives into him before I decided to make a call that could really cause some problems.

"Parker," a voice called.

"Hey boss…emm…Spike needs another day – he's…well…" I tried to explain and failed.

"Mac is everything alright, you sound – stressed!"

"Boss, I really need to speak to you, can you come over?" I whispered.

I never asked Parker for help before, not in the way I just had and he immediately confirmed he would be over within twenty minutes and if I needed anything, I said for him to just come as a friend and not as the boss and I would explain what was going on. Thirty minutes later the door knocked and the team knew they could just walk into the house, it was a free invite and they were welcome; I came from the kitchen with a pot of coffee and two mugs and motioned for him to follow me upstairs. He did so and I stopped outside the bedroom.

"Mac, what the hell is wrong?" he whispered.

"Greg, I need help, or more Spike does. A friend from 41st division called at 2am this morning after finding him drunk in the graveyard having a full blown nightmare – I don't know what to do….." I started before the tears began.

He opened the door and saw Spike lying in the bed with the IVs in him and out for the count, Greg looked at me and I just stared back not knowing what the hell to do.

We talked about what has been going on in our lives recently and what we had been doing at work, the failures the wins the stress, as emotional as both of us were, we never talked much about the stresses, and we tended to get those frustrations out other ways. I told him about the time three weeks ago he had a nightmare that resulted in him not sleeping for two days, even with support. It was emotional parasomnia due to everything happening over the last few years and it was hitting him when he was asleep; problem was I was the worst person to talk to about it due to my own experiences of it.

"Oh Mac, you both should have come to me sooner," Parker whispered.

"It has never been this bad before, I had to do everything for him, he was paralysed in fear and the drinking – he's not much of a drinker and I don't keep spirits in the house – only some homemade wine we made for parties – I don't know how or why he would do this?"

I was huddled on the floor beside the bed, mixing up more banana bags for the IV and ensuring that he was resting properly and not in a medical sleep; he had a few moans and was moving about restlessly for a while but calmed down once the meds kicked in.

"What are his nightmares about, at least from what you can figure out?"

"Lou and the landmine, the stress with his dad and death and losing his family, everything that's happened to me since I joined SRU; he feels responsible for it all. I've told him time and time again that I make my own decisions and follow them through, that I knew the risks the job involved and that I was safer with the SRU than the army. He hasn't been able to eat properly in a couple of weeks, his sleeping pattern is shot and his mood can be unpredictable." I replied attaching the IVs.

"I need to ask, has he ever…" he started.

"Oh God no; He's never laid a finger on me and I trust him with my life, as I said earlier, he either goes to the gym or we work it out in other ways."

He frowns at me and realises that we both did what he feared, we didn't work the problem we buried it thought sex and working too much.

"I think I know where you are going with this boss, I recognise the symptoms. Your thinking this could be delayed stress reaction?" I whispered looking up at him.

He nodded and I took a deep breath out and laid my head on my knees, least that was confirmed now and all we had to do was get Spike to open up about what was eating him inside; that could be problematic at the least and disastrous at the worst.

"Boss he won't talk to me about it, you know him best – he's hiding things from me because he doesn't want me hurt or scarred anymore! I'm a big girl and maybe my own experiences can help him settle the ghosts?" I whispered wiping my eyes.

Parker sat beside me on the floor and pulled me into his arms; he hugged me tight and promised that he would do everything possible to get us through this mess and for Spike to open up about his stress and emotions.

Spike had started to wake up and with some persuasion I left the room and heard him talk very gently to Spike, I knew Parker loved him like a son and maybe with the stress of his family and everything else, a strong male presence in his life right now was good to guide him. I headed downstairs and out the back door; I needed to do something with my hands to keep busy so I grabbed my gardening box and started to weed out the flower bed and attack the roses with a vengeance.

It must have been a couple of hours later that the garden gate opened and a couple of people walked in on me putting the garden waste into the compactor, I was all muddy and harassed with scratches up and down my arms and neck as I went and ripped out all the roses; I turned around and saw Wordy and Sam look at me and I knew they had found out. I walked across the pave stones and dropped my tools into the wheelbarrow that was full of new plants and soil for the flower bed I had created.

"Mac…" Sam started.

"I seemingly broke Spike," I whispered grabbing some flower pots.

I knelt back down beside the flower bed and began digging with my hands and then knife to cut away any tree roots from the massive maple tree on the other side of the fence, it was physically soothing work but emotionally I was going to blow my fuse at not realising the pressure I put on Spike as he kept me together multiple times.

"Mac this wasn't your fault, we all missed the signs and stress he was hiding," Sam replied.

"I should have never have let it get this far, I should have seen this coming with all the crap I landed on his and the teams plate. I needed him and I repay him by ignoring the signs and letting him fall apart; what kind of person does that to a friend?" I replied tersely.

"Don't go down that road Mac, you know he chose to be there for you when you were in hospital and sick, he chose to be there for you through thick and thin. Spike is going to be alright with some time and support from all of us – he has had a rough few years emotionally and that takes its toll – he needs to grieve and recover!" Wordy whispered.

I was still kneeling down and out of sheer frustration and anger I got to my feet and threw the knife at the back fence where it lodged into the thick wooden beam, I had noticed the look the guys gave each other and slightly different stance they took as I turned back around to face them – oh great, now they were thinking I was going to go loony! I took a deep breath and headed back inside to the kitchen and flipped on the kettle and pulled out the tea, it seemed like the right thing to do as I reassembled my face and washed my hands.

"You don't need an invite in this house guys, you can come in!" I called gently.

Both men looked at me as they entered and I shrugged as I sorted out the large teapot and put it on the table along with some baking I had done earlier on; that was the rule in this house, always hot tea or coffee and baking ready for those who need it – anytime of day and night. They both grabbed a mug and I passed Sam a knife for the banana cake I had made and let them chew on whatever they wanted as we stood around in the kitchen and waited on Parker coming down.

"How is he doing Mac, at least physically?"

"He is highly intoxicated with high adrenaline levels and severe insomnia – basically like me minus the alcohol when I was recovering. When I got him home I got him cleaned up and connected to a couple of banana bags and AS medications; I then had to sedate him after he woke up screaming….."

I couldn't contain the tears anymore and I just slid down the cabinet onto the floor, I was exhausted myself and still trying to recover from that stupid virus and banged up body from the CN Tower rescue. I had managed to do my worst nightmare, I broke the man I love and I had no idea how to start repairing the damage. Both men slid down beside me and boxed me in as they talked to me, explained what the boss had told them and why they understood where I was coming from; Wordy, with dealing with the fallout from rescuing Shelley from an abusive marriage and Sam from JTF2 and shooting his best friend.

We stayed on the floor for a while until I had sucked it back up and got pulled to my feet by them for a hug and to check out the scratches across my arms and neck, I pointed to the first aid kit and cleaned the scratches up with iodine and the odd butterfly dressing across my arm where a thorn was removed. We all turned around to face Parker who was coming down the stairs; he looked at us all in the kitchen and then noticed the blood stains on the dressings and the first aid kit on the table.

"I picked a fight and won!" I mumbled.

"Glad you're on our team!" he replied.

I shrugged and passed him a cup of fresh tea and pointed to the cake if he was hungry.

"Guys if you want to go see him then it's alright, he's awake and company would be good for him right now; he is a little emotional right now so eggshells!" he added.

'Keep it together Mackenzie, the boss will see right through you if you don't!'

They both nodded and took some cake up with them as I sat on a seat and looked outside into the garden, I sure as hell was not a gardener and killed nearly every single household plant apart from chillies and herbs – what the hell was I doing gardening for, I should have gone to the garage and started punching the shit out of the bag.

"Mackenzie are you alright, you zoned right out on me!"

I looked at the boss who was kneeling beside the chair and had his hands on my wrists and his fingers on my pulse point, his eyes were searching my face and he was counting my breaths which I immediately slowed down and sent him a quick smile.

"Sorry boss was thinking about why I started the gardening," I mumbled.

"Does gardening put your blood pressure and pulse up, or are you still not telling me everything about how you're dealing with this?"

I looked down at my hands in his and sighed, he needed to know and I was actually embarrassed about telling him this considering how close the team was.

"Do you remember a few days ago I got sick on the donut and was constantly emotional and a right pain in the ass? We thought I was pregnant, scared the crap out of Spike when he walked in on me waiting on the test. It was negative and it's been confirmed, but he was disappointed and then a lot later on a night he half mentioned marriage – second shocker of the day. We haven't discussed it since due to the craziness of recent days, but how could he want to marry someone who causes him so much pain?" I confessed.

The boss just knelt there in complete shock; I actually had to poke him to get some kind of human response and to get off his knees before he ruptured something.

"You thought you were pregnant and then he asked you to marry him?"

I nodded and I knew Spike didn't ask me because of the possible baby, but because we were ready to take it to the next level in our relationship and be married in the chapel, Greg got off his knees and sat on the chair next to me still looking like reality hadn't hit home yet; he finally looked at me and blew out the breath he had been holding, I had just done the same and he nodded as things started to make sense about behaviours.

"He's terrified of being alone. He lost Lou, his dad died and then his mom moved back to Italy; his TO was killed in the line of duty and after being held hostage and watching his team nearly be blown up – he has a lot of emotional baggage to deal with. He needs time to get things out in the open with you and he needs support from his friends and family, he needs the support from you. He loves you Mac and that will never change, you are each other's lifeline – that is not an easy bond to break because you are stronger together than apart."

"But because of the dangers of our job I have managed to push him to breaking point and I didn't even realise the signs and behaviours that DSR displays. He's not the only one who is exhausted boss, I try and keep up with everyone but my body needs to heal and it doesn't have the time to because of the work schedule with SRU, meetings with HM and Decon and the constant medical updates I need to keep track of to do my job. I'm not complaining as I love my job and I love you guys, but I need some time, even a week to just heal!"

He looked at me and smiled as he pointed behind me, I turned around and was faced by Spike looking a little worse for wear and wrapped up in a blanket; I stood up and we crashed together in a massive hug and I let him shake out his emotions as our friends looked on. I managed to get him calmed down enough to sit at the table and get some food into him as Wordy and Sam talked with Greg about the team taking a week's mandatory leave to deal with some issues – this had been cleared by Halloran and he wished us well.

"Where are you thinking of going, I assume you were leaving the area for the week?"

"I know a place a couple of hours away, it's an old monastery that is now used for people to get away from stress in their lives and work out problems with the priests and monks. To earn your stay and meals, you help around the place and get back to the basics – no medicals, no electronics and no stress."

"How did you find out about that place, it's not somewhere I'm familiar with?"

"When I was suspended I went to St. Jude's to speak with Father John, he told me about it and I just need to call him at the cathedral to set it up. He helped me out, maybe it's what Spike needs, to help mend the wounds and start to deal with our traumas?" I whispered.

"It sounds like a perfect place to mend the bridges for you both, when do you leave?"

I looked at him and shook my head; this was a trip Spike needed to make with someone else who could talk to him and not become too emotional, someone who could be reasonable without the conversation turning into either a yelling match or getting pummelled into the drywall. I looked up to Parker and handed him the directions, his eyes looking directly into mine and all he could see was me pleading for his help.

"Mackenzie….." he started.

"Please take him up there and help him, I'm broken and I need time to sort my own head out and it's easier on me knowing that you have Spike's back. It's a lot to ask, but you were there for him when I wasn't, before I even arrived at the SRU – you supported him and he loves and trusts you, please?"

Spike was just coming back downstairs after talking to Sam and Wordy for a while, I turned back round to Parker and took his hands – I was desperate for his help knowing that if I interfered in this I would lose Spike.

"Please – I don't care about me but help him as I can't handle the stress I have put him through without causing more damage!" I whispered squeezing his hand.

Parker's instincts kicked in 100% and he grabbed me and pulled me in for a tight hug, he saw the signs of me getting triggered and pulled me tighter to keep me grounded – this was the lowest I had felt in months and he saw it immediately when I asked him for help earlier on. The three men walked in on us and stopped immediately as I was shaking in the boss's arms and they immediately turned Spike out of the room before he clicked to what was going on.

"You're alright Mac and I'll get Spike to talk if it's the last thing I do! You should have told me it was getting bad again, there is no shame in it – why didn't you tell me?" he whispered.

"Because I had it under control, I know how to handle the stress and deal with the aftermath of daily events – this is just too personal for me to deal with alone so I reached out for help to the one group of people I knew I trusted."

He squeezed me tighter and Wordy came in with a quiet knock on the door, I sniffed and pulled out of the embrace that Parker had me in; I dried my eyes on my sleeve and flashed a quick smile towards Wordy who just shook his head at me.

"I know what your trigger is Mac, that's why we took Spike upstairs again; feeling a little better since talking to the boss and getting some of the stress off your shoulders?"

I nodded and he pulled me in for a one armed hug and planted a kiss on my head for good luck.

"What's the plan, what are we going to do with Spike over the next week?"

"I'm taking him up to a sanctuary of sorts to get him talking and will be gone most of the week; there isn't much contact up there so it's okay if you don't hear anything. I need you guys to keep an eye on Mac and Dean for me, make sure they are eating and relaxing as much as possible?"

"Not an issue boss, we've got their backs and you have Spike's; I've packed him a bag and he's dressed warmly and I've removed the cannula and IVs into disposal which I can take to the unit on my way home. Do you want to come home for dinner with me?"

"No I'm good here today, but I'll text Dean and invite him over for dinner, think he was still having problems with that bio-chemistry report and it would be good to have him over. Actually, why doesn't everyone come over tonight, film night and chilli?" I reply.

"Bit short notice for the kids?" he replied.

"Kids over too – all of them – I have a week off and the house is empty and I would love company; gives you guys some time with your partners anyway and I can keep an eye on the kids and take them on trips – best therapy is a laughing kid!"

Wordy and Parker were looking at each other and smiling, I had bounced back from the trigger and told them I wanted the whole family and all the kids over, all ten of them – we had the room and the backyard was child-proofed so it was safe enough!

"Okay, but keep it mild for Shelley, she has some major heartburn recently!"

"Done, I'll make spicy and mild with all the trimmings!" I promised.

I dried my face again and headed through to where Spike was sitting with Sam, he got up and gave us some space so I could tell Spike what the plan was and who was going with him; I actually think he was grateful that it was me and I didn't take it personally – the long week without seeing each other would only strengthen our relationship and help each other.