Sometimes Keith would still get nightmares about the day his parents died. He had been too young at the time to remember their faces correctly or even how life used to be when they were still around. All he knew is that one day he was a happy child with a family, and the next he was one in a dozen other children sleeping in a huge grey building.
He didn't like to think back to those times however, and preferred to focus on the present and what he could make of it. After his parents' passing, he had tried to honor them by being the best he could possibly be. This meant getting good grades in school and joining several clubs and sports. Over time, his efforts became fruitless and he couldn't keep up with being the best at everything. He had tried to settle for just being good, but that didn't work out either. The bullying from others as well as his growing sense of helplessness had fed his anxiety and soon he had been doing as little as he could. His grades had dropped to an all time low and he had lost the most welcoming family he ever had, going back to sleep in bare rooms with other rejects.
Keith had eventually made it out of the system and had gotten into a good enough college. He had thought this would help make him a better person; a second chance to make his parents proud. But it had turned out just as badly as his previous attempts. Parties did not interest him, his classes were harder than ever before, and his love life was a vicious cycle of deception and cheating. Keith had closed in on himself and spiraled down into the darkness of his thoughts. He had made no friends in six months and for him there had been no light at the end of the tunnel.
Right then, at the second lowest point of his life, Shiro had come to him. Keith still didn't understand what made Shiro get involved in his life, but the older man had done so and Keith was grateful for it. It was even more than that. He had Shiro to thank for his life. He had been decisions away from disappearing into the bliss of the unknown when Shiro showed him that life was still worth living. He had shown him love, friendship and happiness; and for the first time in a while, Keith had been able to go to sleep every night without thinking of how alone he was.
Shiro and he became good friends after that. They needed few words to communicate and didn't keep false appearances around each other. Keith had been the first to know about Allura, and the first to meet her. He had been afraid to lose Shiro then, his only rock in the overwhelming sea of the world, but instead he had gained another friend to hold onto. Allura had been kind to him, never condescending or pitying him; instead pushing him with Shiro to try harder and be the best he could be again. Keith had finally grown into a pleasant rhythm of waking up in the morning and having happiness greet him instead of dread and doubt.
That's why when he had stumbled upon her lifeless body that Sunday morning, knowing it was his fault she had taken her last breath; his whole world had tumbled down. Everything seemed to promise doom and desperation instead of a glimmer of hope. And the worst thing was he couldn't tell Shiro about it. He had no idea what the other man would do with the knowledge that if Keith had acted differently, Allura would still be alive. He couldn't even bring himself to tell Nathan. He just decided to let his life wither away, just like the corpse of Allura, decomposing on a metal table in a morgue somewhere.
Keith had always thought of himself as a loner, someone who trusted his own instincts over anybody's advice. Shiro had been the first person he had given his trust to in a long time, and with a little effort, Allura could have been the second. Now, his friendship with Shiro felt like a lie, and Allura would never again chastise him for drinking too much. Keith didn't want to stay in this position, but at the same time he didn't know what to do.
So when Lance offered the opportunity to let go of his burden, Keith somehow decided to give it a shot. Even though he found Lance immature and childish, and knew that sharing what had happened that Saturday night was the last thing he wanted to do. After beating himself internally for more than a week, staying up until the sun rose up and ignoring all human interaction; maybe he did need to get rid of the poison that was devouring his insides. But that didn't mean that when the words tumbled out of his mouth, barely aware he was saying them, he didn't regret his decision.
"It's my fault. Allura's death. It's all my fault." Keith blurted out. He could not believe he had just said those words. The shock on Hunk and Lance's faces was a sure sign this had been a bad idea. Burrowing his face further into his knees, Keith held back the tears that were welling up in his eyes.
Silence followed, none of the boys making any movement. Keith awaited with dread any reaction from the other two and knew that he would not be able to stand the tension much longer. Just as he decided to rush out of the room, Lance cleared his throat and spoke up, his voice softer and calmer than Keith had ever heard it.
"You didn't kill her, did you though?" Worry lined his words, and Keith risked a look in his direction. Lance was staring at him, sitting just a few inches from him. Swallowing the lump in his throat, Keith whispered.
"No, but I might as well have." He looked away from the other two, waiting for their judgement. Hunk spoke up next, sounding more intrigued than worried.
"What do you mean? How about you just tell us what happened? We won't judge you." Hunk glanced at Lance who was still staring intensively at Keith. "At least I won't, and Lance will learn to keep his mouth shut." Lance opened his mouth to protest but one look at Hunk and he was back to glaring at Keith. The raven haired boy read surprise as well as arrogance in those sea blue eyes, but also the slightest tint of worry and compassion, though he knew for a fact that Lance probably hated him too much to feel those things about him. Why am I even sharing this with them again?
"Alright." Keith hesitated. Should he really tell them this? They might report him to the police and then he could get a sentence for withdrawing information; not to mention Shiro would know and probably hate him for what he did. Or didn't do. "It was Saturday evening. I was in my room, drinking and watching TV. I got hungry and went downstairs to grab chips from the vending machine." Keith paused again. So far he had told most of this to the police. There was no shame in sharing the same thing with Lance and Hunk, was there? Hunk nodded, prodding him to continue his story. Keith took a deep breath and somehow narrated the rest.
"I got the chips and… Allura was outside. I figured Shiro would let her in because he was probably the one who asked her to come; and since I'm not much for social interactions, I just went back to my room." Keith drew a long breath. "I should have let her in; she would still be alive if I did. Instead I was selfish and left her outside to die. It's because of me that she's dead. All I had to do was open a fucking door, and I didn't!" Keith felt his tears overflow and he threw his face back into his knees, his arms surrounding them as he tried to hide his shame from the world.
"Keith," Lance eventually spoke after a few seconds, "you couldn't have known." Lance inched closer to Keith, now sitting by his side. Keith felt a long arm circle his shoulders and squeeze lightly. "It's not your fault, she would have died anyway."
"Yeah, don't beat yourself up over this." Hunk added, padding Keith's feet awkwardly. Keith sniffed and dried his tears with the back of his hand.
"I could have done something, and I didn't. It may have happened anyway, but I had a chance to at least delay it; and I didn't." Lance brought Keith closer to him, making the smaller boy fall unto his chest. Keith raised his head up violently and awkwardly hit Lance's jaw. "And since when have you grown all protective of me? A few minutes ago you were begging to know why I've been acting weird all week and now you're literally hugging me." Keith pushed himself away, immediately regretting the lost of human contact.
"Well I'm sorry if you're too good for basic human compassion. I may hate your fucking guts, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let you cry yourself out all alone." Lance groaned and crawled away from Keith. The violet eyed boy knew he had hurt his feelings, but it still felt weird to receive another emotion than hate and spite from Lance.
"Sorry, it's just…." Keith started.
"It's okay, I get it. You've kept this secret inside for almost two weeks. I knew I was right." Lance's smug smile was back and this made Keith chuckle a little. Everything seemed back to normal, but he knew it would never really be. "So you're not the murderer, but you were still guilty. I was right." Lance jumped to his feet and started doing his victory dance again.
"Lance." Hunk reprimanded, glancing at Keith as if saying 'did you forget that this boy just fucking cried?' Lance settled back down, mumbling a 'sorry'. "So, Keith, now that Lance doesn't suspect you of being a killer, do you want to help us figure out who it really is? I mean, it's not like we can do much but we can do some investigation left and right…"
"Wait, you don't hate me for what I did?" Keith interrupted.
"Why would we do that? Thanks to you we know you're innocent and this only proves that my detective skills are on point." Lance said.
"Besides, you could actually help us pinpoint who could do such a terrible thing." Hunk added.
"I thought you didn't want to look for the murderer?" Lance complained.
"Yeah, well now I think it's getting interesting. Plus, midterms are almost done and I need some action in my life."
"Yes, I finally convinced you. Lance McClain for the win! So Keith, you want to join us in this investigation?"
"Me?" Keith was surprised Lance was actually talking to him like a normal person for once. No pity, no hate, and no hidden mischievous intentions; he didn't know what to make of it.
"Yeah you, how many other Keith do you know? Besides, you actually know more about this than we do, and now that you're cleared we can get this started."
"I guess." Keith felt like this would be one of Lance's short lived obsessions and he would soon give up on the whole thing; and there was little doubt that Hunk didn't think the same thing. Maybe this could help his depressed mood, or at least offer a nice diversion.
"Awesome! Now all we got to do is convince Shiro to join us and we could actually get somewhere! Oh, and we need a name, like the Scooby Gang!" Lance was now back to jumping up and down. Keith had stopped registering what he had said after Shiro's name. Shiro. He hadn't talked to him for more than a few seconds since that fateful Sunday, and he didn't feel like facing him again.
"Are you okay, Keith?" Hunk asked. "You look scared, or something. You don't have to join us if you don't want to."
"I'm okay, and I do want to join you guys. I just don't know if we should get Shiro into this. The man's got enough on his plate already."
"I guess that's true, but once you tell him your story, he'll want to know why Allura was here and what happened to her." Keith grew extremely pale as he felt all the blood drain from his face.
Tell Shiro? Telling Lance and Hunk was one thing, but Keith was not ready to tell Shiro. He probably never will be.
"I'm sorry, I can't do that. Shiro would hate me. Maybe we could just skip over that and focus on the other evidence. We already know Allura was here since she died here." Lance opened his mouth to protest when Hunk slapped him shut.
"Of course, we understand. Take your time; you don't have to tell him now." Keith released the breath he had been holding. Lance may have been a thorn in his ass since he had met him, but Hunk truly was a nice guy. Looking up to the other two, he wondered what the future held for them. He had never imagined he would be working with such an odd duo, both of them so positive and kind and so different from him.
This ought to be an interesting few weeks.