Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2 or the characters. All I own is some characters I made up (Officer Fuku, Officer Yamato) and this story.
Quick Joke: What has a hundred balls and screws old ladies? Bingo. HAHAAHAHAHHA LOL!!!!.... yea that was gross.
The Brotherhood: Half Baked
Chapter 7: The Path of a True Pothead is Fraught with Peril
Genma slid the door open as quietly as possible, then peered in. He didn't see anybody, so he sighed in relief before turning to his left and holding a sign up.
[You go first.]
"I don't think so, pop!" Ranma-chan exclaimed. The panda nodded his head yes. Ranma turned to her left, facing Ryoga. "Well, you've already been there and you know the story better, so you go first."
"Ummm... no," Ryoga said, "I don't want to do that again!" he bellowed, recalling how he had to fake crying. Then the three of them heard Kasumi's sweet voice saying , 'Oh! A guest!'
Thinking fast, Ryoga and Genma both pushed the pigtailed girl inside, then slammed the door shut before she had the time to protest. The two fled and hid in the nearby bushes, then peaked out and strained their ears so they could hear what happened.
Meanwhile, Ranma tripped and nearly ate the telephone, but managed to steady herself by throwing her hands out and catching herself with the wall. She was about to sigh in relief, but then Kasumi walked around the corner and faced her. Ranma staggered back a little and looked at her face to see if she was angry.
Ranma-chan was a little baffled that she was smiling like she always does. "Hello, Ranma. Did you get everything sorted out with the police men?" she asked.
"Umm... y-yeah! Yeah, e-everything is fine now, it's just th-that those two ehh... officers are a little.... stupid?" Ranma babbled incoherently. Kasumi blinked, then blinked again with an odd expression on her face. Then she smiled again.
"It's nice of you, Ryoga and Mr. Saotome to help out by selling drugs, but... don't you think it's wrong to do that?" she asked. Ranma winced, and tried to come up with a descent answer.
"Uh, we just.. well... yeah, sure it's wrong and stuff, but.. eh heh.. it's easy to make money like that and uhh.. that way it won't take as long to pay your dad back," Ranma smirked a little, half impressed by his answer.
"Wouldn't it be easier to just get a job?" Kasumi asked, throwing Ranma off track. Suddenly the door opened to reveal a large panda and a bandanna-clad boy.
"Growf, growf growf," the panda said, holding up a sign that read [Ranma and Reeoga are still in skool], and then another one that read [It'd take to long for me to do it by myself.]
"Hey, you're getting slightly better at spelling pops," Ranma-chan said while Ryoga growled about his name being spelled wrong. Genma held up a third sign. [Tank yu sun.]
"Never mind," Ranma remarked, smacking her head with her palm.
"Oh yes, father said he wanted to speak to you Mr. Saotome," Kasumi said, "he's in the dining room." The panda nodded and trodded with Kasumi towards the dining room. Ranma and Ryoga looked at eachother, then towards the stairs.
"Growf!" screeched the panda, holding up a sign that read [Are you two coming????]. The two teenagers shook their heads furiously then bolted up the stairs before Genma could do anything about it. The panda hung his head low and trudged towards his fate.
Meanwhile, Ranma and Ryoga entered their room, then closed and locked the door. Both of them sat down and stared forward, towards a somewhat burnt back pack. Simulataniously, a grin began to spread on their faces.
"Wanna smoke one?" Ranma asked.
"You read my mind."
With that being said, Ranma crawled over to the backpack and pulled out a baggy of weed and crawled back. Ryoga whipped out a pack of papers as Ranma studied the bag. "Hey, Ryoga?" she asked.
"Hmm?"
"Wasn't this bag almost full when we left it?" she questioned.
"Yeah, why?" Ryoga asked, not really paying attention.
"It's only half full. Hey, what's that?" Ranma wondered out loud, spotting a while slip of paper in the bag. Ryoga turned to look as she opened the baggy and pulled out a folded note. She unfolded it and read it aloud. "Saotome, don't worry, I'm on your side. Tell Ryoga I'm sorry, I had to put up a good show so the girl's wouldn't suspect anything. Rolled a big one for later. Tendo."
The two stoners turned and looked at eachother before laughing out loud. When they stopped, Ranma got an idea. "Take every opportunity to the fullest, eh Ryoga?"
"Huh?" Ryoga said, genuinely puzzled. Ranma grabbed a large handful of weed before slipping the note back in, then put the bag of weed back in her father's back pack. She stuck her handful in her own backpack, saving enough for a joint before she walked back to Ryoga and sat down. Then she began rolling.
"So Mr. Tendo's in the ok. That's good, it solves a lot of our problems, eh Ranma?" Ryoga said. Ranma mumbled her agreement as she sealed the joint and tightened it.
"No filter," she said. "Well, lets go outside, last thing we need is fer someone to walk in and bust us." Ryoga nodded and they both got up and started for the stairs.
"Speaking of which," said Ryoga, "what are we gonna do about Fuku? He's probably gonna come back you know."
"I guess we got these curses fer a reason," Ranma-chan said, smirking to herself. For once, she was a little thankful for the whole transformation when splashed with cold water thing. The two descended down the stairs, then walked outside. They toured into a tight spot between the dojo and the wall, being careful to avoid a few thorn bushes, then Ryoga gave Ranma a lighter. She sparked the doob up and began puffing away. They proceeded in silence until the doob was finished. When Ranma-chan chucked it, they both sat down in the cramped area, each letting their thoughts drift.
Ryoga was thinking about where his life was at the moment, and the people in it. He hadn't had any friends in the past, everyone always made fun of him. Plus he rarely saw his family, and together that was enough to get him into the drugs and alcohol. He simply wanted to forget about all of his problems and run from it all.
That was, until Ranma showed up. True, they hadn't got off at the beginning, but when he saw Ranma smoking a joint he couldn't help but walk up to him and ask for a puff. Basically, he had a joint to thank for his and Ranma's friendship. It was kind of ironic, but he believed that if it hadn't been for that fateful day he would have probably made his life long goal to destroy Ranma's happiness.
Ranma's dad was kind of an idiot in Ryoga's opinion, but he was fun to get high with. He remembered the time over four months ago when they had been drinking at his and Ranma's house, and Genma puked, then forgot about it and stepped right in it. That was hilarious. Plus he admired how the man seemed to have drug hookups all over the place. He still didn't know how he afforded it all, though. 'Oh well, let it be a secret, so long as I'm getting in on the doobage,' he thought.
Fuku and his partner were likely to cause problems for himself and his stoned sidekicks. That much was obvious, considering they had tracked the three all the way to Nerima. He didn't understand why the fat ass kept grumbling about getting pay back for breaking his nose when he was the one who did it to himself. But it didn't matter, he figured Fuku was just crooked like any other cop.
Lastly, the Tendo's are what Ryoga would call an enigma. The more he thought about it, the more he thought of the words 'disfunctional family'. Hah, not like he could judge, considering his family rarely even saw eachother. But it was too weird how none of them had anything in common. Akane was always angry and blatent, although she had a rare niceness to her at times. Nabiki was always manipulative and subtle. Kasumi was always sweet and kind. And Soun was always... just Soun... an over emotional disaster.
Well, the three Tendo girls did have something in common. They were all good looking. Of course, good looking by different means.
'Argh, why am I thinking this!' Ryoga mentally scolded himself, 'I shouldn't be thinking like that, it's not like I got engaged to any of them.'
Ryoga let out a nearly silent sigh, then looked at Ranma. She looked deep in thought, so he decided to just sit there for a while and think more.
Ranma meanwhile, was replaying her fight with Fuku over in her head. She didn't understand; four months ago he had been like a fly, inferior to her in every way. There had to be something else... but she couldn't find anything out of the ordinary. So instead, she focused on Fuku's strengths and weaknesses.
The man was obviously a lot stronger then herself, even her old man. And back when Ranma admistered the so-called final blow, it was like she punched a mountain of man-eating jello. Obviously body blows weren't effective at all, so the only way to defeat him would be by head shots. Also, he definitely had brains, because as soon as Fuku found out he was stoned the officer took advantage of it, and that was what ended the fight in defeat. He didn't have any trouble getting on the roof when she was distracted. It was so frustrating, losing to that fat bastard.
Ranma continued to ponder about it. He was good in strength, endurance and brains. So what were his weaknesses?
His defensive and offensive tactics weren't that great, Ranma managed to penetrate past them with ease with an exeption of when Fuku managed to grab his feet. That was when the fight when downhill. Also, he was really slow, that much was obvious. Those 'Martial Arts Police Academy' techniques he had were sort of stupid, but they were effective none the less. He'd have to watch out for those.
Ranma finally came to a conclusion. As long as he was cautious about it, he'd be able to wear Fuku down with quick punches and kicks, and when the fat ass was finally on the verge of exaustion, he'd deliver the finishing blow right between his eyes. So basically, the countermeasure was to never initiate an attack until the last moment, using his speed to his full advantage. That should do it!
"Hey Ranma," Ryoga suddenly said, destroying the peaceful silence. "I just got the funniest idea."
"Huh?"
"Tomorrow we should spice dinner up with some mush."
There was and eerie silence in the air before Ranma burst out giggling. "Yeah! Great idea man, maybe that'll make them appreciate drugs a bit more!"
"Err.. R-ranma?" Ryoga stammered, "I was just kidding."
"You were?"
"Yeah..." Ryoga said. There was an awkward silence. "But now I wanna do it anyways!"
"Heh... heheheheheh.. tomorrow's gonna be fun!!" Ranma-chan exclaimed.
Ryoga grinned. "Yeah, tomorrow's gonna be trippy," he said.
"Fuckin' right," Ranma-chan replied. Then she turned to Ryoga. "Wanna train before bed? Chances are Fuku will be back at some point, so we might as well get in as much practice as possible."
Ryoga nodded. They both jumped out the window and crawled around the bushes into the open. "Hold on, I'm gonna go get some hot water. On second thought, I'm gonna take a quick bath beforehand. Punching that fatass made me feel kinda gross," Ranma said. Ryoga nodded again and they both went their seperate ways, Ranma towards the house, and Ryoga towards... the front gate.
Ranma entered, took her shoes off and started up the stairs to get a clean change of clothes. She grabbed a red chinese shirt and black pants, identical to the ones she was currently wearing. Ranma-chan went back downstairs and began walking to the bathroom. Upon passing the dining room, she looked in to see her father playing a game of shogi with Mr. Tendo, and Nabiki watching tv while munching on some crackers while giving the occasional glance towards the two playing shogi.
The red head tip-toed by in a paranoid fashion, then managed to make her way to the bathroom with no interruptions. She entered then stripped her clothes off and chucked them in the hamper. After a cold rinse, she slid the door open that led to the furo, and eagerly hopped in, enjoying the sensation of his manhood finally returning. He was a little disappointed about the buzz loss, but that was alright for now. He relaxed and let his tense muscles soak in the warmth of the steamy water, without a care in the world.
Little did he know that there was still a roached joint in the pocket of his pants from back when he was in the dojo, and now they were in the hamper.
Soun stared intently at the shogi board, pondering his next move. His opponent had the better of him this game, and he was running out of options. After long moments of staring without moving an inch, he finally moved his rook to protect his king.
The panda move a bishop, and ended the match, while holding up a sign that read [Checkmait]. The only way Soun would have been able to save his king would be to move it where he just moved his rook, which was impossible. Biting his bottom lip, he turned to look at the panda's smug face.
"Do over!" he cried desperately. The panda held up a sign that said [No way.]
"Come on Saotome, don't be like that," Mr. Tendo continued, unable to admit defeat. The panda cast a sidelong glance to stare towards the koi pond, then held up another sign that read [No deal.]
Soun began withering into an extreme state of depression. Genma held up a final sign that said [Maybe some sake will change my mind.]
"Of course!" Soun said, immediately happy. "Hey Kasumi! Could you bring in some sake?"
"Yes, father," Kasumi replied from in the kitchen. It wasn't long before the two old friends were drinking happily and having a new game of shogi.
^ ^ ? v ^ ?! ^ ? ¿ v ^ v Ryoga's sense of direction / Scene Splitter ^ ?? v ^ !!! ^ ¿¿¿
Fuku and Yamato both looked at their partially destroyed cruiser. It was getting dark and both officers were feeling downcast at their recent loss. The larger officer was in an odd state of calmness, which was making Yamato nervous. Never before had he seen Fuku so 'calm'.
A gentle breeze blew past both of them.
"GOD FUCKING DAMN THOSE FUCKIN' LIL PUNK-ASSED SHITS!!!!!" Fuku suddenly outburst, echoing throughout Nerima and earning a grimace from Yamato. "Wrecked the cruiser AND they got away! Now what are we gonna do?"
"You could always just go back to that Tendo Dojo place; they'd likely go there," Yamato stated.
"Right! Let's go!" Fuku quickly agreed.
"Egh, I think not," Yamato said, almost disgusted. Fuku gave him a questioning glance, so Yamato decided to speak his mind. "I've had enough of this crap, I learned martial arts, wasted about four months of my life training, even took that stupid strength enhancing pill last month that gave me gas for a week, and we STILL didn't get them. Admit it, we're outclassed here bud."
"No! Don't give up, we were so close!" Fuku appealed desperately. "We'll get them next time, I promise!"
Yamato turned and took three steps, then said, "No deal. Later Jerome, good luck with your little quest." Then he took off, leaving the bigger cop behind. Fuku stood still for a while, biting his lip and observing the wrecked cop car. Over the past four months of traveling together, he had started to think of Yamato as an actual companion instead of a nuisance, a friend even. They had developed an odd sort of bond when they were training at the Police Martial Arts dojo, and he honestly enjoyed the spars with his partner over the last couple of months. 'Yeah... partner,' he thought.
A few minutes passed, and he finally decided to go look for a late night restaraunt. The cop didn't think he could take all three of them on alone, even if he was as big as the three of them combined. He took a few steps, then heard something.
"WHERE THE HELL AM I NOW?!?!?!" called a displeased voice from the distance. A familiar voice; one the belonged to none other than Ryoga Hibiki. Fuku turned to see a boy dressed in yellow wandering aimlessly around the streets.
"Well well, what have we here," Fuku said quietly, grinning maliciously. He was confident that he could take them out one by one; plus now that Yamato was gone, he needed to release his frustration on something.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Scene Splitter~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Argh! That idiot, Ryoga!" Ranma said aloud as he searched through every room, corridor and closet in the house. "We were supposed to meet at the dojo, and the dope goes and gets lost." Still looking around, Ranma ran into Akane. "Hey Akane--"
"Have you seen P-chan?" she interrupted, "He disappeared when he followed you and Mr. Saotome into the dojo."
"Err, no... have you seen Ryoga?"
"Umm.. last I saw he was going to the front gate. Why?" Akane asked.
"ACK!!! Why didn't ya stop him??" Ranma scolded, clenching both of his fists in front of him in anger.
Akane was caught a little off guard by his outburst, but soon regained her angry compusure. "What do you mean 'why didn't I stop him'? He can go out if he wants!"
"That's not what I meant!" Ranma retorted. "Ya see, Ryoga has no sense of direction. He couldn't find his way out of a room with one door."
Akane gave him a skeptical look and said, "That's ridiculous. No sense of direction? I mean, come on!"
"I ain't lying!" Ranma hollered again.
"Knowing you, yes you are!" Akane yelled back. Angered, Ranma simply turned around and stomped his way towards the front door. "Where are you going?" Akane asked.
"To find that idiot!" Ranma replied before closing the door behind him.
"Honestly," Akane said to herself, then walked towards the dining room. It was almost time for bed and the jerk was going after Ryoga, who was probably just fine. Reaching the dining table, Akane sat down next to her father, who was enjoying some sake with his old friend.
"Growf," the panda said, holding up a sign. The words were carelessly scribbled in a drunken fashion, and Akane had to squint her eyes to make the words out. [Were's Ranma and Reeoga?]
"Ranma went searching for Ryoga, because he supposively has no sense of direction. Hah, what and idiot, eh?."
Genma held up another sign. [Reeoga don't have a sence of direcshion tho.]
Akane's eyes widened a little, but she remained silent.
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4:20 4:20 4:20 4:20 4:20 4:20 4:20 4:20 Stoner Scene Splitter 4:20 4:20 4:20 4:20 4:20 4:20 4:20 4:20
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As Ranma ran around the streets looking for his long lost friend, he heard what he'd hoped to hear. "WHERE THE HELL AM I NOW?!?!?!"
Homing in on the sound, he jumped across a few rooftops and spotted Ryoga. When he was about to jump down, he spotted a large figure charging at Ryoga. The large figure was in a typical blue officer suit, so Ranma came to the conclusion that it was Fuku. Ryoga turned and noticed the mass of flab flying at him.
"What the fuck?!" he cried in confusion, "I'm in a cop shop???"
Ranma sighed in exasperation and hopped down beside Ryoga, taking on a defensive stance. "Ryoga," Ranma said, "his head is his weak spot, don't punch him in the gut. It'll take both of us to take him down."
Ryoga turned to him and simply nodded before choosing a stance of his own.
"Two against one?" Fuku said, somewhat displeased, "heh, I'll fix that."
The large officer jumped high in the air, then put his hands behind his back. "Martial Arts Police Academy secret technique; Tri-Cuffs!" he shouted. Then he thrust both of his hands forward, and a long chain extended outwards. Before the two stoners could do anything about it, both of them had cuffs on each of their hands that connected to eachother, and one leading from each of them to the single cuff on Fuku's left arm. "Hah, lets see you get outta this one!"
Fuku jumped, and the two stoners followed. Ranma engaged in mid-air combat, weaving around some heavy kicks and punches. He couldn't use his hands very effectively though, they were resricted to about a foot away from eachother. Ryoga managed to get around Fuku, then wrapped the chain to his cuffs around Fuku's neck. The two struggled as they plummeted, giving Ranma some easy kicks to the cop's head.
When they landed, Fuku reached behind him and grabbed Ryoga, then threw him at Ranma. The teens both collapsed on the ground, giving the cop enough time to recover from the savage attack.
With a mighty yell, Fuku grabbed the chains that led from his single cuff to his opponent's cuffs, and started spinning around in circles. After the momentum built up, the two teens were spinning like mad, entangling their cuff chains and getting naucious.
Ranma didn't know about Ryoga, but his wrists were really starting to hurt like hell. Soon, he thought of a risky counter attack. If he could just get around Ryoga, he could reel himself in with the chains and kick the hell out of Fuku. That would leave Ryoga to handle the landing though. Narrowing his eyes in determination, he was about to move around Ryoga. However, at exactly that moment the cuffs around both his and Ryoga's wrists snapped open. The two soared through the air and crashed into a nearby wall encircling a vacant lot, breaking it on contant. Ranma took the majority of the damage because he was crushed by Ryoga.
The teenage stoners rose shakily to their feet, adopting defensive stances. Fuku was charging at them, at full force. When he was about three meters away, Ryoga leapt high into the air, but Ranma stayed put. The pigtailed pothead watched closely, and when Fuku threw a punch forward, he ducked, then uppercutted him.
As Fuku's head tilted backwards, he saw a foot descending right towards his face. He almost had enough time to yell, but Ryoga's foot solidly connected with his face, and Ranma took the opportunity to punch him in the neck. Fuku staggered backwards, no longer able to breathe while Ryoga landed next to Ranma. Both of them jumped on the cop and started nailing his face with a tiger's ferocity. The stoners rose to their feet, then proceeded to bootfuck the cop, stomping and kicking away. A relatively long while passed before they finally backed off, satisfied that Fuku was out for the night. Both of them were only mildly winded, surprisingly.
"That was a lot easier then before," Ranma said, somewhat content and at the same time somewhat disappointed.
"Guess we make a good team," Ryoga replied. They faced eachother, then high-fived and let out some drug-enhanced laughs. "Well, I'd say that was good enough for practice tonight, how about you Ranma?"
"Yeah." The two began journeying to the Tendo Dojo, Ryoga following Ranma closely as to not get lost again.
When they reached the dojo, all the lights were out. As they walked up the short walkway to the front door, Ryoga turned to Ranma. "So you're gonna go along with getting everyone high on shrooms tomorrow night?" he asked.
"You bet."
Ranma tried to open the door, but it was locked. He groaned and walked to the back entrance to the kitchen, and was relieved to find it was unlocked. The two quietly tip toed their way inside and closed the door. The stoners swiftly stalked towards the stairs, then walked up them, being careful to avoid that squeaky third step. They noiselessly tip toed to their room, as to not wake anyone up, and when they got to the door they opened it.
Inside, a drunk Genma and Soun were sitting on the floor smoking a huge joint. They both turned and Soun started sputtering, "It's not what it looks like, it's not what it- uh? Oh it's just you two. Phewww."
The two sat down, and got their share of the doobie. "We fought Fuku again, won this time," Ranma said triumphantly.
"Really?" Genma asked.
"Who's Fuku?" Soun asked.
"Yeah, we beat him too," Ryoga said, completely ignoring Soun's question. "I doubt he's gonna give up any time soon though."
"Hmmmm.." Genma hummed, pushing the rim of his glasses up the bridge of his nose with one finger. "The path of a true pothead is fraught with peril."
There was an eerie silence that followed those wise words, before everyone started chuckling. After the laughter died down, Soun turned to Genma. "So, who's Fuku?" he asked again.
After Genma told him about the foolish officer, Soun left and the three stoned martial potheads finally went to bed after such a long day.
END chapter 7.