Well that was more time between than I'm comfortable with. Busy busy busy I say. Thanks for being patient if you were. Thanks for... er... coming back if you weren't.

Remember: pointing out mistakes gets you free imaginary stuff! This chapter's prize is an imaginary Bowing 747 that can also be set on fire and dropped on your imaginary enemies. Kill those bastards today!

Published October 12, 2011

Special Delivery

"Come in."

The double-doors were pulled open by Zant's Twili escorts, the king of twilight himself entering the magnificent throne room. "Ah, Zant, it's good to see you. Enjoying the world of light?"

Zant took a seat at the opposite end of the man's table, guards at his sides. "I would hardly call it a world of light now that twilight has come."

"...Yes, that was the joke." He held out a plate. "Cake?"

"No thank you."

The cake was pulled back, the redhead putting it within his own eating range. "Suit yourself. One of these days I'll get some of this delicious cake into you and you'll like it. But I assume you are not here to discuss cake with me."

"No, I am not. Twilight over Faron Province has dispersed, and Ordona Province was never taken at all. I fear that there is some powerful force pushing us back."

"Hm, this is definitely serious. Reinforce the borders of the remaining territories and send a small group of scouts into the south. I want to know everything that's going on."

"It shall be done."

"Excellent. Let us celebrate our new stratagem with the consumption of inflated, chocolate-infused bread."

"I'm afraid I have places to be."

"One of these days you'll be out of excuses."

-Back with the heroes-

"This is Hyrule Field, eh? Wow, it's so... huge."

Link stood at the mouth of the road, the exit of Faron Woods. As he stepped through the tree line and into Hyrule Field he was filled with a sense of wonderment. He had never been this far from the village before.

Diababa's main stalk slithered up to his side, taking in the sight. "A fresh breeze, fluid, untarnished grass, the sound of wildlife, mmm, bEAUtiful, very very bEAUtiful... Not enough trees, let's go back."

"You're free to go back at any time. I'll ask again: why are you following me?"

The stalk broke off from the ground, the result looking like a human sized Diababa-snake without the arms. "Because I can tell this is going to be so much fun! Look at all this! We have to prance through the meadows, chins held high and sing into the sky! It's practically a requirement."

"You're a fun one."

"Thank you!"

Link's head turned so quickly that Midna was sure his neck snapped. "You heard it too?"

Diababa nodded merrily. "Of course I did. I'm not deaf you know."

"Hear that Midna? It isn't just me hearing that voice!"

His shadow wavered. "Tee hee. Congratulations, you're both insane. Now do I have to hold a biscuit in front of you to make you move?"

"She's right, we have to get going!" Diababa proclaimed, bouncing around erratically. "Onward to freedom!" She took off across the fields.

"She gets it. Now follow the leader, hero-boy."

"I'm not a hero..."

"Details, details."

To keep up with the energetic plant, Link had to push himself to his limits, running faster than the time a goat tried to make one of a key orifice twice its regular size. When he caught up the flora was eating a Bokoblin. "I know I can just photosynthesize, but this is much tastier."

Trying to ignore the disturbing sight before him, Link brought attention to another subject. "Photowhatsiwhat?"

"Photosynthesis. You know, process of converting sunlight into food..."

Link blinked. "I live in a farming community that doesn't even have a school. Am I supposed to understand what that is?"

Diababa swallowed a chunk of flesh, blood splattering on the grass. "Then I've gotta teach you! This stuff is necessary to live! Come on, take a knee and I'll get into photosynthesis right away!" Without waiting for him to oblige, she continued. "See that big glowing yellow light thing way up above the clouds? That's the sun, and it's really far away. It's actually red, but the atmosphere distorts the colour- Are you taking notes?"

"No..."

Midna flew in, shadowy form circling their heads. "Remember all that stuff about eternal twilight and evil people? Yeah, that's still going on you know. We should do something about that."

"It's late, he needs to rest and sleep soon," Diababa argued from on top of her meal.

"It's six thirty."

"He's young, aren't you Link?"

"No... I'm seventeen, or eighteen maybe. It depends who you ask."

"Pff, might as well be a newborn. I'm ninety-six! Okay, that's a lie."

-One pointless argument later-

Diababa nodded sagely. "That's the story of how I showed that bull-bitch that nature is ten times better than any of that archaic machinery. Any questions?"

Link rolled his eyes, looking off into the distance. Something caught his attention, forcing him to do a double take. Slowly, his hand rose. "I have one. Who or what is that guy running toward us?"

Sure enough, a strange looking man was jogging across Hyrule Field in their direction. A flag was held high above him, making him even more noticeable from far away. He wore a red hat, signifying his status as a postman.

Elsewhere, several abominations felt a shiver run down their spines. The others had no spines and felt nothing.

The postman slid to a stop in front of Link. "Hello there sir! I am honourable and dependable letter carrier, known to some as the postman. This is a letter for you. Read it at once if you would please."

"YOU!" Diababa's appendages burst from the dirt, tightly wrapping around the postman's arms. "Why haven't you people delivered my parcel?"

But he was undeterred. "In accordance with Regulation 24A of the Postperson's Organizational Territory Trust Yarak, no work of mail is to be delivered unless posted with a discernable return address. Your packaging did not follow this agreement."

"I live in a giant tree in the middle of a forest! What do you want me to put down?"

"You must abide the Laws of the Post. The Laws are law, and to disobey them is to disobey the goddesses themselves!"

-In the Sacred Realm-

Nayru smacked Din upside the head. "This is what happens when you descend in a pillar of light and give a bunch of mentally unsound civil servants a document engraved in golden stone."

Din retaliated by casually blasting Nayru with a wave of fire. "It was funny. I regret nothing."

-Back in Hyrule Field, later-

"You should have torn out his organs and worn them as a scarf. Heroes like scarves, don't they?"

Link tumbled, tripping over a nearby blade of grass. "WHAT?"

"Did I say that out loud? That's good."

The not-hero stood up, brushing some dirt off his knees. "All right, you and me need to talk guidelines."

"Oh? I'm listening."

"Finally. First rule: you don't talk. Ever. Second rule: always follow the first rule. Sound fine?"

"I have no objections."

"Are you still talking to yourself back there?" Midna shouted from Diababa's shadow. "Come on, mush! Do I need to hang a dog biscuit in front of your eyes to make you run? I can and will you know."

Not doubting her, Link jogged to the plant's side.

"BANZAI!" Diababa dove underground. Midna barely had time to let out a scream before she was pulled along with the bundle of solidified energy.

With that, Link could choose his own pace. He quickly turned on his heel and set a course for his home village.

Sadly, the omnipotent presence did not let him go far. "Where do you think you're going? There's way too much potential for comedy coming up."

"You said you'd shut up..."

"I say a lot of things. I once said that tearing the moon out of its orbit wouldn't cause a catastrophic ecological calamity, and if that isn't a lie then I don't know what is."

"I- NO!" Some butterflies were flying aimlessly around Link's head, but he quickly swatted them away. "I am not dealing with the butterflies that probably hate me too!"

-A half hour later, border of Eldin Province-

"Huh... How did they manage to place this right on the borders of the province?"

Link, Midna and Diababa stood at a wall of twilight, staring up at the black void. "They must consult a map," Diababa told the not-hero.

"I doubt they care that much."

Midna floated over to the barrier, stopping before it. "Ready to go in? You'll probably end up being a wolf again for some time. Think you can handle it?"

"Uh... Diababa will go instead!"

Midna rolled her eyes, sending him a toothy smirk. "Link, if anyone else goes in they just become a wandering spirit. You're the only one who filled out the résumé correctly."

Diababa leaned over. "Should have written in the 'please leave blank' space like I did."

"There's a lot of things you left blank." Letting out a sigh, Link approached Midna. "Let's go. I want to get this over with."

"With pleasure." Midna disappeared into the twilight. Link moved to follow, but a giant orange hand composed of his partner's hair burst forth, wrapping around him and yanking the poor boy inside. Diababa began hunting Bokoblins again.

Within the twilight, Link turned into a wolf. "I COULD HAVE DONE THAT ON MY OWN!"

She plopped on his back, scratching the polymorph behind his ear. "But that would be no fun... Speaking of fun, look at this beautiful atmosphere!" She took a deep breath, waving her hand through one of the rising squares. "Twilight is looking rather fetching at this time, isn't it? I don't know what your problem with it is. You look much better like this." She gave his audio receptors a tug.

"STOP THAT!"

Link set off through the dark dimension, his footsteps existing as the only sounds in the world. The sky never shifted, the horizon stuck in a perpetual dimness that sent a shiver down Link's horizontal spine. "I don't like this place."

"Would you like to destroy it? Do you want to see it disappear, to never bother you again? You'd be able to live your normal life, vanish from this quest of heroism and herd goats or whatever it is you do."

"Now I know that deal's way too good to work out as cleanly as you're making it out to be."

"There's only one way to find out."

"I'll pass- Eh?"

A wooden sword lay in the middle of the road, half buried in dust. Link approached it, his nose tingling. "I smell something... Hey, it smells like whatever the kids from the village smell like. That's convenient."

"I told you it's great being a wolf," Midna chimed in from his back. At that moment he felt the Twili hoist her legs up onto his head and lie back. "It's great for me too. Though you could use a little more meat on your back. It's too hard back here."

Deciding it would be best not to retort, Link took off. After a quick jog over a hill he spotted three shadow beasts in his path, blocking what looked like it would be the only way to cross the forthcoming canyon. They paced restlessly, oblivious to his presence.

"Are we sure we can't get Diababa in here?"

"Get bitin'."

"Om nom nom."

Fortunately, Link was not a dumbass and decided to think this through rationally. On one side of the shadow beasts was an open field. On another was a vertical cliff going down. On the third was a vertical cliff going up, a path on Link's side leading to the top.

-A minute later-

"This is the stupidest thing I've ever done. That means I should do it before I think enough to have regrets." Backing up a few steps, Link took a running leap from the cliff. "THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA!"

He fell on top of one of the unsuspecting monsters, smashing his skull off of its metal face mask. "OW! MOTHERFUCKER!" The shadow beast grabbed Link by the tail and tossed him away, going back to its patrol.

"Nom nom?"

"SHUT UP!"

As it turned Link lunged forward, biting into the neck. The beast let out a wail, shaking him off and calling over its cohorts. Apparently, he was an acknowledgeable threat.

-Meanwhile-

"Zant, have you ever heard the phrase, 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'?"

"Yes, I have. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, just wondering if your people have the same sayings as we do. A curiosity if you will, completely irrelevant to anything happening at the moment. My people tend to think that one's a load of bull though. What if what doesn't kill you cripples you, or destroys your will to fight? Winning is the only solution, isn't it?"

"If that is what you believe, then it is so. Your word is my law."

"...That's right, it is. Heh heh heh."

-Back at the plot-

Link picked himself up, bloody and in great agony, as Midna used her magic hair to punch the last shadow beast off of the cliff. "Can you do anything on your own? Do I need some motivation for you? Want a biscuit when you fight well?"

"I'M NOT A TRAINED FIGHTER! The most fighting I ever did before this week was hitting a spider with a wooden stick!"

Midna rolled her eyes, glancing around the cleared area. Her eyes eventually wandered to the blue portal above them. "Oh, looks like we have another one. Excellent. By the way, I can teleport us between those things at any time."

"Just do that whenever I get into too much trouble... all the time, I suppose."

His partner plopped on his back again, the two approaching the wooden archway that surely led to a bridge. The only problem was that it didn't. "Hm. That's odd. Shouldn't... there be a bridge here?"

"Yeah," he muttered.

"Think we can jump it?"

"NO!"

The ground below them began to rumble. Cracks grew at Link's feet, terrifying the poor boy... wolf. "What-"

An explosion of dirt and rock blasted Link into the air, sending him cart-wheeling over the chasm. Screaming the whole time, he landed back first on the opposite road. Midna shoved him to the side, cracking several joints back into place.

On the other side was a spiritual Diababa, rising from the hole with several Bokoblins in hand. "Thought you could get away from me underground, did you? I am the ground, you can't use nature to escape a natural disaster, can you? Thought not." Then she ate them and ducked back into the hole.