A/N: I don't even want to know.

Rhea: I thought it'd be fun. 8D

I'm glad you're happy.

Rhea: I'm not going to go through the entire episode, though. If I did I'd have to make this a two-parter and I have something else planned for next week. Hope you like it all the same!

(8)

Spellbound Remix
AKA: Why I Shouldn't Be Allowed To Write Teen Titan Scripts.

And so it came to pass that I, Malchior of Nol, did lay siege to the dread dragon Rorek. And verily did I trade with him smarmy banter.

"Thy mother beareth the countenance of an troll!"

"Thou doth not see me in reproach."

"Thy girth and odor doth repel all desirable females."

"Thou wouldest know such detail well for thou doth share a great likenesses with the aforementioned persons."

"Thy breath is liken unto the deepest pits of a great family's communal privy!"

"Thine appearance surely attracts many a male and only the most confused of females into prospects of matrimony."

And so on.

But it did seem that the power of Rorek was greater than my magics could defeat. And as the fell beast struck—

BWEEEP! BWEEEP! BWEEEP!

"Hey Raven! Put the pedal to the metal, we gotta go!"

"What the crap, Beast Boy?-! The alarm is still sounding! Give me a second or two, will you?-!" she snapped.

(O)

"Ahem," the author coughed theatrically. "As per standing order, I have to appear in any given drabble at least once. This is my appearance." She took a deep breath. "Dedo-dedo-dedo-dedo when there's trouble you know who to caaall! TEEN TITANS! From their tower they can see it aaall! TEEN TITANS! When there's evil on the a—ACK!" She was suddenly and violently yanked off the stage by way of the traditional shepherd's hook catching her 'round the neck.

(O)

A closed jack-in-the-box appeared at the edge of the playground near some bushes and started turning itself to create music. The fact that it was a jack-in-the-box was not what attracted the attention of various happy playing children because most people stop being amused by jack-in-the-boxes after 4 years. What attracted them was the fact that it was turning itself.

"That shouldn't be possible." one of the kids observed.

The box popped open, revealing that it was Jack but a bunny.

"That's not a clown." someone pointed out.

"And bunnies aren't pink."

"Huh." one of them snorted derisively. "That's what happens when you let creative license make a mockery of tradition."

"Maybe they were trying to be less scary?"

"Bo-ring!"

"Hey look, it's turning into some kind of tube."

"How is it doing that? Matter doesn't work like that! It's totally breaking several laws of physics! I mean I'm sure there was a lot less of the bunny than there is of that vacuum pipe."

"…Did you just say vacuum?"

"All in favor of running and screaming for our lives say AAAAAAH!"

"AAAAAAH!"

"A unanimous vote! Gah! No! It's got me! Save me grass! Augh! Not enough grass! Can't get a grip! Curse these parks and their buzz-cut lawns!"

Robin-shaped boomerangs sliced open the morphing vacuum tube releasing the child so Starfire could grab him and take him to safety while Cyborg's cannon blasted it back. Cue dramatic entrance of the Teen Titans!

"Cardiac, you're under arrest!"

Suddenly there was a loud siren and, from out of nowhere, two dozen men and women, covered from head to toe in black uniforms, appeared and pointed loaded rifles, two crossbows, and, for reasons no one ever talked about, one banana at Robin. He dropped his bow staff and held his hands up in the air. Each uniformed individual bore, on their left breast, an insignia that had the word 'pun' circled in red with a slash mark across it.

"Aw come on guys! Not again!" Robin exclaimed.

"Sorry sonny, but that one crossed the line." said the squad leader. "We're going to have to take you in."

"But that one had to be done! I mean the guy is asking for it! Cardiac? What kind of super villain has a name like Cardiac and doesn't expect people to make a pun off it?-!" Robin exclaimed.

"He has a point, Sir." said one of the others.

"Yeah, alright. We'll take him in too." the leader said, nodding. Several of the squad then pointed their rifles (and banana) at the large heart-shaped villain, who held up his tubes.

The remaining Titans groaned. But there was nothing to be done. The Pun Police carted both offenders off and the four leftover Titans returned to the Tower to await their leader's release.

(O)

Raven sat down on her bed and reopened her book.

But it did seem that the power of Rorek was greater than my magics could defeat. And as the fell beast struck—

There was a knock at her door. A bit irritated, she closed her book and went to answer it. It was…Red X?

"What the—what are you doing here?"

"The Hair Gel King got himself into trouble with the Pun Police again so I'm filling in to pay back a favor." he answered. "I'm supposed to ask you if there's anything wrong, right?"

"What favor?" she demanded.

"I had an incident with some overcooked spaghetti and the wrong kind of mushrooms – or the right kind of mushrooms depending on your point of view. So anyway, are you feeling alright? Your room seems to have exploded with creepy. I mean, how can you read all those books with the lights so dim?"

"Night vision. Now go away."

"Also you're looking a little gray."

"I'm always gray."

"What, that's normal?"

"Goodbye!" she slammed the door shut.

…greater than my magics could defeat. And as the fell beast struck I—

More knocking. She was starting to sense a pattern here. She opened the door to find Starfire looking gloomy.

"I miss Robin." she confessed.

"Why don't you go raid his wardrobe and walk around wearing his clothes like last time?" Raven asked.

Starfire brightened up. "What a glorious idea! But, wait…that episode is in Season 4, we are still in Season 3…"

"Do it anyway." Raven closed the door. She sat down and opened the book again.

Sweet Maartuz how many times am I going to have to repeat this? Ahem, and as the fell beast struck, I summoned the forces of my enchanted book.

"Aldruon Enlenthra Nalthos Sola Narisnor!"

"Oh thou hast got to be jesting with me!"

And with a curse more ancient than foul Rorek himself, I—

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! "Hey! Yo Raven!"

"Dude! Open up!"

She stalked to the door. It flew open with a blast of force that sent the two jokers of the group scrambling to get their footing back. They gave her big smiles, but those smiles faltered when she suddenly produced a large scroll of parchment that unrolled halfway to the floor.

"Uh…what's that?" Beast Boy asked.

"My contract, which, you will notice, has your signatures at the bottom. It very clearly states that Raven, that's me, is granted multiple hours of uninterrupted solitude to be used for meditation, reading, or anything else that requires the peace and quiet I am currently not getting. This is a copy. Feel free to peruse it at your earliest convenience." she said, tossing the parchment at them. She tried to shut the door but Beast Boy managed to wedge himself slightly in the way.

"But Raveeeeen! We need a referee for our awesome new game!"

Raven shoved him out using a life-size doll version of herself. "Here, use this." she said, slamming the door shut.

Beast Boy let out a piercing, girly scream. In retrospect, she probably should have removed the blood stains.

"DUDE!-!-! Raven! That is seriously creepy!" Beast Boy exclaimed.

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"I mean, gawd! You are so creepy! Why can't you be normal?-!"

"This coming from a little green man who turns into green animals."

"Creepy! Creepy! Creepy!"

"Dude, lay off. Let's just go." Cyborg said finally.

"Creepy!"

There was a clattering smack from outside.

"DUDE! Did you seriously just smack me with Raven's doll?-!"

"Uh…no man, I didn't do anything."

Pause.

"AAAAAAAAHH!-!-!"

Raven opened the door to let the doll come back in. It shrugged and went back to its usual spot. She shut the door and went back to her bed. "What's wrong with being creepy?" she wondered despondently.

"I like creepy."

Raven gasped and dropped the book, which was where the voice had come from.

(O)

Interlude

And now, a word from our sponsors!

"We have sponsors?" the author demanded.

Actually no, we don't.

"Well this certainly wasn't a complete waste of text…"

(O)

"Ow."

"Uh…did you just…?"

"Speak?"

"Uh huh."

"I did. And then you dropped me on my spine."

"And that hurt?"

"Well…yes."

"How? Paper doesn't have nerve endings."

"Well I—"

"And how are you talking without a voice box? Or a throat? Or a mouth?" Raven picked up the book and then started examining the pages as though she might find such organs pressed somewhere.

"Look, it's magic, alright? A wizard did it. Me, to be precise. Will you stop that? That feels very strange."

"What happens when I do this?"

"When you do wha—oi! Don't dog-ear my pages! Do you have any idea how damaging that is?-! What are bookmarks for?"

"That's amazing. You even removed the crease. If only all my books could do that."

"Ah-HEM!"

"Oh, right, I'm supposed to let you explain who you are, aren't I?"

"That would be helpful for the plot, yes." The book cleared a nonexistent throat. "Malchior of Nol, at your service."

"The wizard who faced the dread dragon Rorek?"

"The wizard who defeated Rorek. And who is trapped within these pages by the dragon's final curse."

"Trapped? But that battle was almost,"

"One-thousand years ago. And I've been waiting for someone to find me ever since. Raven…I've been waiting for you." His pages flipped of their own accord to a picture…of her.

Raven stared, blushed, and then snapped the book shut. "Now that is the wrong kind of creepy. That is stalker creepy. Goodbye." she said, carrying him towards the door.

"Wait, wait, wait! Maybe we could, you know, talk?"

"Sorry, but I don't read books to socialize. Besides, I still need my solitary time. I'll put you in Robin's room until he gets back."

"But I could teach you magic!"

"I already know magic."

"Better magic, then!"

"Why was my picture in your book?"

"Alright, alright, I put it there because I'm trying to flirt with you! I can manipulate the ink and pages to a mild degree. Here, open me up and I'll demonstrate."

She did so, and watched as a few pages rose up, turned into ribbons, and then folded themselves into a paper rose. She stared. "Alright, that's impressive. The best I've ever been able to do is a water lily, and they don't even look like water lilies either."

"I don't suppose I might ask you to try and release me? It may require me to teach you quite a lot of advanced magic that will suddenly make you very potent for one episode after which you will return to your old power with no more mention of it except in fanfiction."

"Well…I don't know. Something about this entire thing seems a bit off to me. I mean, if you were about to seal Rorek in the book how is it that you managed to defeat him even though he turned the spell around? And how come you've only started talking to me now? And, come to that, why is it that I came to what you claim to be the end of the book but there's so many more pages that I haven't read yet?"

"I know how to make the most amazing waffles. From scratch."

"Let's get started!"

(O)

"It's dark magic. You've been teaching me dark magic!" Raven exclaimed accusingly.

"Is it dark? Or is it simply misunderstood?"

"Misunderstood?-! It's magic! Are you trying to suggest all it needs is some therapy and a few happy pills?"

"No, I'm saying that it's not what people think it is. Being dark is not the same as being evil, Raven."

"Really?"

"Oh yes. Darkness is far more dangerous. At least evil is predictable."

"You're not exactly doing too good a job of defending yourself here…"

"The point is that just because something is dark or, say, creepy, that doesn't mean it's necessarily bad. It just needs some of that yellow tape with the word 'caution' repeated every three inches and a sign that says 'handle with care' or, alternatively, 'treat like a lady'. Don't you agree?"

"Um…well…"

"Smashing! Now, how about we get me out of this book?"

"I don't know…something doesn't seem quite—"

"Waffles."

"I'm ready!"

(O)

Upon the roof of the T-Tower a dragon roared his fury to the sky, and then started coughing and hacking desperately.

"Water! Need water! Throat dry as paper!" he rasped.

"You lied to me!" Raven shouted, shaking her fist at the huge black mythical beast.

"Look, Love, I can explain. But first I have got to get a glass of water. Would you mind?"

"Explain? Explain what?-! How the hell can you possibly make any waffles when you're so big your head couldn't fit into a conventional kitchen, let alone the rest of you?-!" she demanded.

"Waffles? Oh, right…the waffles…wait, aren't you angry I lied to you about being the dragon instead of the wizard?" he asked.

"What? Oh no, I figured that out a while ago. You probably shouldn't have shown me how easily you're able to manipulate the book like that."

"Wha—you knew? Then why did you set me free?"

"Duh? I want those waffles you promised!"

He stared at her. "So…the fact that I'm a dragon doesn't bother you?"

"It bothers me!"

"Be quite, green person. You're just jealous." Malchior turned back to Raven with a question in his eyes. "Well?"

"That depends. Does my being half-demon bother you?" she asked.

"Not at all!"

"Then as long as you don't do any more rampaging we're cool. Now, can we get back to the important part?"

"Important part?"

"My waffles!"

Malchior the dragon looked over at the others. "She's a bit fixated, isn't she?"

"She does like her waffles." Cyborg told him.

"Am I the only one who has a problem with the fact that there's a gigantic black dragon on our roof?-!" Beast Boy demanded.

"Well, the tower is going to need to be repaired. But we have to do that so often I've stopped caring." Cyborg answered.

Malchior then turned into a human. "Is this better?" he asked.

"Much." Robin answered.

"Why do you look like Rorek?" Raven asked

"I don't. I made the pictures in the book look like me. I just changed up the coloring." he lied.

"I guess that makes as much sense as anything else. So about those waffles,"

"Can't that wait until morning?" he asked, putting an arm around her – or trying to.

"No, you promised me waffles. And stop trying to hug me. I don't do hugging."

"Is she always like this?" Malchior asked the others.

"No. The author just thought it'd be funnier if she was." Red X answered.

It was at about this time that a freak hurricane blew in, gave everyone in the entire city a bad hair day (or night, whatever), redecorated the T-Tower in pastel colors, and then did some yard work on the grassy outskirts before throwing down some snow on about 15 square feet of a children's playground park just to see how the bunnies reacted. Cardiac and Robin got out of Pun Prison only to find themselves on a talk-show hosted by a water balloon with social anxiety. A rubber chicken fell in the street and got run over by a car after which it dedicated its life to the destruction of the world, but never became a true villain on account of having no muscle with which to move or a brain to move it with. Malchior got a job in a fast food restaurant only to get fired half an hour later for making all the children cry. After this he got his revenge by filling the fridge with ram skulls and painting flowers all over the ceiling in rooster blood. Red X flirted shamelessly with Starfire, got chewed out by Robin, decided to flirt with Raven, and then got chewed on by Malchior. Then a huge fleet of space monkeys came to earth and—

(8)

A/N: You're going to stop right there.

Rhea: But I was having so much fun!

Too much fun. Knock it off!

Rhea: Oh fine…