Remember the author's note at the end of the last chapter? You won't like this chapter very much and it will hurt but it needed to be written. It was part of my plan for this story right from the beginning. So don't throw rotten tomatoes or eggs at me. ;-)

This chapter is dedicated to Angelfan984, my loyal reviewer, the angel (or devil) sitting on my shoulder who reminds me of stories I've neglected for too long. So if you want to throw something at me after reading this chapter ... aim for her on my shoulder. :-)

Believe me, my heart was bleeding while writing this. I wanted to slap Emma for putting me through this. Yes, the characters take me and my muse hostage from time to time. Well, it just happens when you try to put yourself in the character's shoes. So you might want to blame Emma for this chapter. :-)

Chapter 7

She'd sneaked out of his cabin. Again.

Pulling out her phone, she typed a quick text to Mary Margaret, asking her if she could bring Henry to school. Leaning against a street lamp she waited for the peep telling her that she got a text massage and she breathed out a sigh of relief as she read the message. Her mother would take care of Henry. Now she could seek out the solitude she needed. Picking up her pace, she went into the woods, walking briskly, knowing her destination. The highest point of Storybrooke.

She knew she needed to give herself the time to think about what was really going on between Killian and her. She needed to take a closer look at her feelings. She needed to figure out what she really wanted.

When she reached the top of the hill she was slightly out of breath but the view was worth the exertion. Stepping forward to the edge, she stared down at the town. It was still so early in the morning that wafts of mist were wafting around the houses, swirling through the trees and burying her hands in the pockets of her jacket, she hunched her shoulders against the cold wind, her eyes falling on the mast of his ship that jutted out of the mist, making it look like one of those ghost ships in horror movies.

Inhaling a deep breath, her shoulders relaxed a little as the sun behind her started to warm her body. The beauty and silence of the place calming her nerves.

She had to face the facts. Her body wanted him with a desperation that still surprised her. But it wasn't only her body who longed for him. She knew life and death situations tended to let you say things you wouldn't say under normal circumstances but they also brought feelings to the surface that were buried so deep that you didn't realize that they were even there and when that happened you shouldn't ignore them.

That was one of the reasons she was up here this early in the morning. She needed to think. Her feelings for him were growing stronger with each passing day and soon she wouldn't be able to turn her back on him. The question now was if she wanted to turn her back on him.

She was still reluctant to open up to him completely, the wounds on her heart still not fully healed. Love could hurt. Love could hurt deeply. Trusting someone could always backfire. She'd learned that the hard way.

Sure, Neal was back in her life again and he'd tried to explain to her why he'd abandoned her all those years ago and even though the rational part of her could understand why he did what he did, the emotional part of her, the part of her where she was still this seventeen year old girl who just got thrown into prison for a crime she didn't commit … this part of her was still pissed at hell. He'd betrayed her.

As if her thoughts had somehow lured him to this place, Emma suddenly heard his voice behind her. "I knew I might find you here. You always loved to clear your mind by coming to the highest point available. Some things never change."

"Things do change." Emma said quietly, turning around to him. "I'm not seventeen anymore, Neal."

"I know."

"What do you want, Neal?"

"I came up here because it's almost impossible to get you alone. Someone is always around you and at night you seem to just disappear but I need to talk to you. I have to tell you something important."

"Can't wait to hear it." Emma replied, not able to keep the sarcastic tone out of her voice.

"I had some time to think about all of this … this mess and … I broke up with Tamara."

"Good for you." Emma said, wondering why he would tell her that. She didn't even care a little bit.

"I still love you, Emma." Emma actually startled upon hearing his confession, a part of her drinking it in while another part of her just wanted to scoff it off but he wasn't finished yet. "I didn't want to leave you behind. But I had no choice. I love you, Emma. You took me completely by surprise when I saw you in Manhattan. After all those years. And then I learned about Henry and … I lost my family way too soon and I know you've just found yours a year ago so you know what I'm talking about so … this might seem to come completely out of the blue but I think we deserve another chance, Emma. We can make it work. I know we can."

Emma suppressed the urge to tap her foot impatiently on the ground. She just wanted him to get to the point. But before she could urge him on, he suddenly lowered himself on one knee and reached into his pocket, pulling out a velvet box and snapping it open he turned it around, showing Emma the sparkling ring inside before he said quietly. "Will you marry me, Emma Swan?"

Emma already opened her mouth to ask him if he'd smoked some hallucinogen substance but then she closed it before saying anything, watching him warily. Maybe this was the right thing to do. It would make Henry happy to have his father and mother back together again and as she stared at Neal she realized that her feelings for him weren't the same anymore. She still loved him but not in the all-consuming kind of way, not the kind of love she felt for a certain pirate.

Neal was safe. She almost laughed out loud when the thought settled in. It was true tough. He was safe. He would never be able to make her love him with all her heart again. He'd hurt her too much the first time around. She would never let him really in again. But this was the less scary way.

And throwing a last look over her shoulder, her eyes wiping over the silhouette of Killian's ship in the distance, she made a decision. She would choose the safer way. She would choose the easier way. She was tired of fighting. She was tired of feeling too much. Maybe it was time to just settle down for the second best and she looked down at Neal kneeling in front of her and decided right then and there that she would be better off to just close off her heart completely.

"Yes." Emma said, clearing her throat before she added. "I'll marry you."

~K&E~

She needed to see him. She needed to see him one last time. She knew it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to him. But she just couldn't help it. She needed one last time with him.

Entering his cabin without even knocking she froze in place as she saw him sitting at his desk, his hair all rumpled, his chin propped up on his hook while he studied some papers.

She couldn't do it. How could she marry another man? Only looking at Killian made her body and heart ache. But hadn't this been the reason she said yes to Neal? If you weren't in love your heart would be safe. It couldn't be hurt. At least not in a devastating way. The person might be still able to hurt you but you would recover from it. But if your heart was fully in it … she didn't think she would survive it if her heart would be broken one more time. There was just so much a person could endure.

His head had swirled around the moment he heard the door open and he'd pushed himself off the chair and walked slowly towards her, a grin spreading out on his face as he was closing in on her.

"I didn't expect your company ton..." His sentence was cut off as her lips crashed on his, her tongue darting aggressively into his mouth and she shoved him backwards, his back hitting the wall with such force that it knocked the breath out of him.

"I need you, Killian." Emma whispered against his lips, her fingers gripping his shirt and yanking it out of his pants, her hands roaming frantically over his taut muscles while she kissed him so hungrily that his scruff set her skin on fire. But she didn't care. She needed him. Desperately.

"Emma? Love?" Killian pushed her away gently, searching her face and she knew if he would look any closer he would immediately notice that something was wrong but she didn't want him to question it right now. She couldn't tell him. Not now.

Emma took a step back, choosing the one action she knew would distract him enough to stop asking any questions. She pulled off her jacket, just let it slip to the ground, her hands immediately reaching for the buttons of her blouse and she opened the first two before she just pulled it over her head. Her eyes never left his as she opened her belt, lowering the zipper slowly before she pushed her pants down and stepped out of them.

"I want you, pirate." Emma said huskily, wording her next words deliberately like a challenge. She wanted to make sure that he would not stand a chance to resist her coaxing. "So, do you wanna talk or do you wanna spend the time with more enjoyable activities?"

A dangerous glint flashed over his eyes and he rushed towards her, hauling her against his body, his mouth searching hers, his kiss turning almost violent as he pushed her back towards the bed.

That was exactly what she wanted. She wanted to get lost in passion, in hunger. She knew it was wrong. She knew it was selfish to have sex with him knowing that she would have to leave him for good tomorrow. That she had to leave him and could never come back. She knew all that. She knew that he would consider it a betrayal when she would tell him and for one second she hesitated. For one second she wanted to push him back but then his hand slipped under her panties and she was lost in the sensations his fingers were shooting through her body.

She just stopped thinking at all, letting her body take over. A shiver rushing over her as they were finally naked and he settled between her legs, pushing slowly into her and Emma arched her back, trusting her hips upwards, drawing him in and closing her eyes, she relished the feeling of their connection, never wanted it to end, wanted to stay in this moment forever where nothing mattered except their bodies slamming together, searching for the release.

Her throat closed up, her chest constricted as he pushed her closer and closer to the edge and as his hand reached between their bodies it only needed one flick of his finger to made her come and as her walls clenched around him tightly, the sobs rising up in her chest threatened to suffocate her, her fingers digging into his back as he spilled his release into her and for a shocking moment she wished for a miracle, wished that this night would give her more than the fleeting throws of passion, that he had given her something more of him, a part of him.

She was still coming down from her high but this thought sobered her up immediately. There was no way that she just wished for a fleeting moment that he had planted his seed in her.

What was wrong with her?

She had made a choice. A choice against the man who was currently still buried in her. A sudden wave of disgust washed over her and she hated herself for what she'd just done. She'd used him. For her own satisfaction. Knowing damn well that what she needed to tell him would hurt him.

Emma struggled with keeping the tears down, almost not noticing that he slipped out of her and rolled down from her. His arm was wrapped around her waist and his lips ghosted over her shoulder, his fingers drawing slow circles over her stomach and Emma just couldn't take it any longer and slapped his hand away, scrambling out of the bed as fast as possible.

Her hands were shaking as she reached for her clothes and she could hear him shuffling behind her but she didn't look back. Out of the corner of her eye she could see him reaching for his pants and she knew she couldn't just storm out without talking to him. He'd put on his pants for a reason. He was ready for a confrontation.

She admired his strength to stay quiet as long as she still put on her clothes. He waited her out and his silence freaked her out more than anything. Shrugging into her jacket, she eventually turned around to him but she was still not able to look into his eyes and he stepped closer, his fingers cupping her chin and pulling it up, forcing her to make eye contact with him.

"What's wrong, love?"

"Nothing." Emma replied with a slightly shaking voice.

"So you just assaulted me for the fun of it?" Killian asked, raising one eye brow. "Don't get me wrong. It's fine by me. You can assault me any time you wish. But I know you pretty well by now, Swan. Something was different tonight. So tell me … what's on your mind?"

One look into his eyes told her that he wouldn't let her go until he got his answer and she steeled herself as she took in a deep breath before she rushed out the words she knew he needed to hear. "I'm getting married. To Neal."

She felt his fingers tightening around her chin, the slightly cocky glint in his eyes turning into a look that chilled her to her bones. She knew he would never hurt her but the look in his eyes shot a cold shiver down her spine and she couldn't hold back the sigh of relief that slipped over her lips as he stepped back, turning his back on her. But a moment later his voice sliced through the air, the venom in it hitting her square in the chest.

"So you have another fuck with the pirate?" He swirled around to her, his eyes blazing with fury. "Because you know he can never give it to you as good as I give it to you. You know you crave it, Swan. I know you want me. You'd just proved that. But I'm not going to be your fuck buddy. If he can't satisfy you … your bad."

"You should really stop watching cable shows. It makes your already foul language even fouler." Emma replied quietly, shocked about his outburst, though she should have expected something like this. After all he was a very passionate man.

"Foul language?" Killian snapped, his voice almost collapsing over the words and he closed the gap between them, pushing her against the wall, placing his hook right beside her face while he pressed his hand against the wooden panel on the other side, effectively caging her in. "You were the one who crawled into my bed, knowing that you're promised to another man. You've bested me before but this might be your masterpiece."

She wanted to reach up and smooth the angry fold between his brows, she wanted to caress his cheek and kiss the fury away, she wanted to tell him that he was so much more than just amazing sex for her. But she'd decided to do the right thing. For Henry. She'd decided to take the path that would be less risky. Because her heart wasn't in it. She wouldn't be in danger of getting her heart broken again. Maybe it was the coward's way out and she'd never acted cowardly in her whole life but the man towering in front of her, caging her in, made her feel too much and for the first time in her life Emma chose to run instead of fight. Because she wouldn't survive it if she would lose this fight. She wouldn't survive it if she would lose him after giving him her whole heart. It was just self-preservation.

She forced herself to take her gaze away from his heaving chest in front of her eyes and lifting her gaze she stared up into his storm-filled eyes, biting her tongue to keep the sob that was building in her chest from escaping. Placing her hand against his chest she pushed him back gently and slipped out of under his arm and walked towards the door.

As she reached for the doorknob her hand trembled so much that she was hardly able to grab it and she turned her head, looking back at him one last time. He wasn't facing her, his whole body tense and she whispered. "I'm sorry. I really am. I'm gonna miss you, Killian. And not only the sex."

Killian stood frozen to the spot, waiting until he could be sure that she'd left his ship before he punched his fist into the wall, welcoming the pain that rushed through his arm, hitting the wall over and over again until his knuckles were red with blood. It had happened again. He'd lost his heart to another woman and like the first time his heart got crushed. Milah had been ripped from his side by Rumpelstiltskin but Emma had decided to leave him willingly. He didn't know what hurt most. Loving someone and watching them die in your arms or loving someone who didn't love you back. He knew he hadn't the right to feel betrayed but he did. They never talked about their feelings and apparently she wasn't feeling the same way he did.

But he was in love with her and she might not have the ability to literally rip his heart out but she had chosen another man. She could have just ripped his heart out and crushed it because losing her felt like his heart had just jumped out of his chest and followed her as she'd left him.

He was not good enough for her. He never had been. He never would be.

This was really hard to write. That's probably the reason why it took me so long to get this update out. But the next chapter is already half written. I wrote it a few weeks ago, knowing that I had to write this chapter first and already dreading it back then. But it's done now and it's the lowest point of this story. We are closing in on the happy end. :-)