Hey guys sorry it took awhile to get this chapter up; I think you all will like it. And thank you to every one who has reviewed the story so far. So read, enjoy, and review. And I do not own the song used in this chapter, it belongs to The Used.
CHAPTER 7; HARD TO SAY.
My worries weigh the world, how I used to be
And everything, I'm cold, seems a plague in me
And it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by and I cried. "Hard to say"- The Used.
Tension was high in the apartment between Jay and Emma. She tried to avoid him as much as possible, having him this close to her again was proving to be harder than she expected it to be. When Jay first moved in it was weird having him around all the time, she was used to him just coming to pick up their daughter and drop her off back home, not having him be there every waking moment.
By Jay living with her brought back all her old memories and thoughts. In high school she loved him with everything she had inside of her, and this is what she had wanted with him, to have a family with him; having him around her all the time was brining back all of her old feelings towards him and it was hurting her trying to push them away all over again. But she had to act like a bitch just to keep him away, even though it hurt to.
Jay could tell that him moving in was bothering Emma on some level, but he wasn't going to give up his chance to be with his daughter just so she could be more comfortable. He loved Emma, always have and always will, but he had enough of her attitude towards him. It was like high school all over again she would be rude and nasty to him when ever she got the chance, and even though he loved her he wasn't going to take it any more, but he sure as hell wasn't leaving.
Jay was out with Skylar for the day while Emma was at work, it was getting close to Christmas and he had to smile when he saw his daughter play in the snow and talk non-stop about what she wanted Santa to bring her. "Come on Sky, it's getting to cold out." Jay called out to the toddler who was busy trying to kick her small legs at the falling snow. "No, I wan stay here." She said her breath coming out in clouds, and her face turning pink from being in the cold.
Jay shook his head and picked her up, making her whine to get down. "Nope sorry sweetheart, it's getting to cold; and if I keep you get sick your mommy will be very upset with me." He told her as they walked back towards his car. Once she was strapped in they headed back home, "Daddy when does Santa come?" Skylar asked from the back seat. "Soon baby really soon, what did you ask for this year?" he asked her knowing he went out and pretty much bought out the toy store for her. "I not telling." She giggled and smiled at him. Jay shook his head and continued to drive home, and then a thought struck him. What was he going to get Emma, it seemed only right to get her something since they were living together, now he just had to figure something out?
Emma was in the kitchen fixing dinner and waiting for Jay and Skylar to come home. She was lost in her thoughts of the up coming holidays and didn't hear the front door open or Paige and Hazel call out her name till Paige tugged on her hair lightly. "Paige could you not give me a heart attack!" Emma yelled as she jumped at the sudden contact making her friends laugh. "What are you doing here anyway?" she asked and went back to cooking.
"Well we came to see if you want to do a bit of Christmas shopping with your two best friends ever." Hazel said with her normal sweet smile on her face. "I would love to, but I have to feed Skylar and then have stuff to do around here." Emma said while cutting up vegetables. "Emma Jay can feed Sky and he can do whatever has to be done around here." Paige told her, she knew her friend needed time away for herself. "Ok fine but it's going to have to wait till Jay gets home with Sky." Emma said just as the front door opened and in walked Jay with Skylar in his arms.
"Mama daddy and I built a snow man!" the toddler replied happily as her father put her down and she took off running to her mother. "That's great baby, but have daddy help you take off your snow suite." Emma told her and the little girl quickly made her way over to Jay who helped her take off her snow suite, scarf, mittens and boots. "Hey guys." He said when he walked in the kitchen and saw the other girls sitting there. "Hey Jay." Hazel said and Paige waved at him as Skylar told her about her day in the snow.
"Jay can you feed Skylar tonight and give her a bath? I'm going out with Hazel and Paige for awhile." Emma asked as she picked up Sky and placed her in her booster seat. "Yea sure go ahead and have fun, me and Sky will be just fine." Jay said as he went and got her baby plat and sippy cup. Emma went and got her coat before coming back in the kitchen. To see Jay already feeding Skylar some of the chicken, and vegetables to the toddler. "Ok Jay we'll be back around 10 at the latest and I have my cell if you need me." Emma was always frantic when it came to leaving Skylar, even if it was with Jay.
Jay turned away from Skylar to look over at Emma, a smirk on his face. "Em we'll be fine, go out have fun and relax will ya." He said with a small laugh and even making Skylar laugh a little. And even Emma laughed a little she knew she could trust Jay. "Ok fine. Bye baby I love you." "awww I love you too." Jay said making them all laugh even though he was being serious. "I was talking to Skylar." Emma said kissing her daughter on the head as she continued to eat her dinner.
The girls were walking around the mall going into random stores trying to find presents for everyone. "So Em do you know what you're going to get Jay?" Paige asked as they went into a clothing store to look around. Emma turned away from the wrack of clothing to look at Paige. "Do you think I should get him something?" she asked her friends that looked at her strangely after her question. "Well let's see, he is the love of your life even though you deny it constantly, he is the father of your daughter, and he lives with you and raises that little girl with you as if you were one big happy family. So yea I would defiantly get him at least one thing." Paige told her. Emma sighed and shook her head.
Jay was in the bathroom giving Skylar her bath for the night; well more like she was giving him the bath since she was splashing him. "Hey baby what should I get mommy for Christmas?" He asked while pouring water gently over her head. "Something purty" she said playing with her doll. "Well do you have any ideas?" the little girl shrugged her shoulders at him. "Ok babe come on you're done." Jay said while taking her out of the water to dry her off. "I know!" Skylar yelled as he pulled her pajama top over her head and ran out of the bathroom, Jay not far behind.
Skylar made her way into her mothers room and over to the dresser, and reached up as high as she could for the top of the dresser. Jay quickly came over to her and lifted her so she could get at the jewelry box Emma kept. "Sky what are you looking for baby?" he asked as her tiny hands made quick work inside the box. "This." She said and held up a small white gold ring; the same ring that he had given Emma so long ago.
Jay couldn't believe his eyes, she had kept the ring. He had thought she would have gotten rid of it. This proved that a small part of her still loved him. "How about something to go with this?" Skylar asked handing her father the ring. "I think that's a perfect idea baby." Jay kissed her head, and placed the ring back inside and headed to his daughter's room to put her to bed.
"Skylar do you know why mommy doesn't wear that ring?" he asked her as he tucked her into her toddler bed they had just bought her. "I don't know, she looks at it all da time." She said with a small yawn. "I love you Skylar." Jay said kissing her forehead and smiled when he only got a sleepy mumble in response.
Over the next few days Jay knew exactly what he was getting Emma for Christmas and was on his way to pick it up now, with Sean beside him. Getting her the gift was a bit more difficult than he expected it to be. He had to get the ring out of Emma's jewelry box without her noticing it was missing, so he could make sure it matched perfectly for what he got her. But thankfully he got it out without her noticing.
Finally making it to the jewelry store in time Jay took the ring out of his pocket and gave it to the women behind the glass counter. A few minutes later the woman came back and handed him a medium size, blue velvet box that held the ring and her present, hopefully she'll like it and what he had to say to her. After paying for it and leaving he began to go over in his head what he was going to say to her and he began to get nervous.
Emma sat in her old bedroom in her parent's house, her parents were watching Skylar while she sat in her old room wrapping some presents for her mom. She was still thinking of what Paige had said to her not that long ago, and it had nothing to do with getting him a present. Paige had said she still loved Jay only she denied it and her best friend was right. Emma loved Jay; always had always will. She was just so scared of getting hurt again so she denied it at every chance she got and would only admit her true feelings to herself.
Shaking her head Emma tried to rid her mind of thoughts of Jay, her love for him and the images her mind was making of them. The two of them married, raising Skylar, having another child. Even though she didn't want to think of those things she couldn't help but smile at the thought of living her life with Jay. "Emma are you still down there?" she was brought out of her thoughts by her Snake calling her. "Yea dad I'm almost finished down here." She called and went back to wrapping presents. She tried to distract herself but it was no use Jay kept flooding her mind. There was only one to get her mind back on track and that was to say the hardest thing to say.
It was finally Christmas Eve; time seemed to get away with Emma she didn't exactly get Jay a gift, what she was giving him was more important than anything she could get him. She was going to tell him that she still loved him. It was too hard to be in the same space with him every day and have her old feelings building up and being too scared to share them. She wasn't scared anymore and her friends were proud of her for it. It seemed that they all had a bet going for as to when she would finally break and let it out. Jimmy won by the way.
Jay sat in his bedroom with Skylar on floor helping him wrap presents. "Sky hand me the tape." He called to her. "Daddy help!" was his only response looking up he saw Skylar on the floor with tape wrapped all around her, and he couldn't help but laugh. "Baby how did you do this?" Jay asked her getting up from the bed to help untangle her. "I don't know." She said pulling it away from her face. "Well next time daddy will be in charge of the tape." He told her as he finally pulled all of the tape away, and the little girl nodded.
After Jay got the tape off of Skylar and finished his gift wrapping, it was time to head out. Paige had decided she wanted to have a big Christmas party to celebrate Emma and Skylar's first Christmas back here. He noticed on the way to Paige's house that Emma couldn't sit still and seemed more quiet than usual. She kept playing with the hem of her black skirt. "Em are you okay? You've been quiet the whole day." Jay asked her as they neared Paige's place. "It's nothing really." She gave him a smile and looked back to check on Skylar who was looking out the window at the falling snow.
The party was in full swing, all of Emma's friends were there. Along with her parents, Joey, and Caitlin. But even though she tried to enjoy her self there was still the fear of letting Jay know how she felt lingering in her mind. Emma was off in a corner of the living room next to Marco watching her friends and family; she smiled when she saw Skylar pulled on Sean's hair making him wince.
Emma was brought out of her thoughts by the familiar feeling of her mothers arms wrapped around her. "I'm so happy you decided to finally come home, this is where you and your daughter belong." Snake said kissing her daughters head. "I'm happy we're here too, Skylar loves it here." Emma said smiling at her laughing daughter.
Jay was sitting on the couch with Skylar on his lap and Sean next to him, Jimmy on the other. "Daddy when can mommy have her present?" She asked playing with the hem of her shimmer red dress Hazel bought her for the holiday. "When it's time to open presents." He told her and laughed when she pouted. "Sky don't pout it's not much longer." Jimmy told her tickling her to get her to smile, which worked after a minute. "but you said that at dinner." The little girl whined at him. "Skylar Paige don't whine, we'll get to presents soon." Jay told her firmly making her stop pouting and crawled into Jimmy's lap. "Ok guys time to open presents!" Paige yelled, making Skylar's head shot up. She jumped off of Jimmy's lap and moved to sit in front of the lit up tree with Jack and Angela.
As the night went on every one exchanged gifts and had a great time just being with each other. Even Jay and Emma had gotten pretty close to each other, Jay sat on the couch with Emma tucked closely next to him her legs spread out over his lap. Her closeness surprised him when she first draped her lower body on him and moved closer to his body. But after a few minutes he got over her shock and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, enjoying the feeling of having her in his arms once again; even if it was just for this moment and not the rest of his life like he so desperately wanted.
Emma surprised herself even as she sat on the couch next to Jay and placed her legs in his lap. But this is what she wanted to be close to him as possible she never wanted to let go of him and this was a start as to show how she truly felt, but she knew she would have to voice her feelings soon. After watching Skylar destroy the wrapping paper, along with Jack and Angela. The rest of them opened their gifts from one another, and Emma decided she wanted to tell Jay about her feelings now. Pulling away from him slightly " Jay can I talk to you for a minute?" she asked him quietly so no one else could hear. "Yea sure." He got up and took her hand, pulling her into the kitchen where it was quieter.
Once they were in the kitchen Emma stood against the counter looking at the floor. "Emma are you going to say something or are we going to stare at your shoes all night?" Jay asked moving so he was in front of her. Emma looked up and took a deep breath before speaking. "Look this is not easy for me to say, but I have to say it. So just be quiet and let me get it out ok?" she asked him looking him straight in the eye, Jay just nodded his head and waited for her to continue.
"Jay I know that when I first came home, and ever since you moved in I've been very cold towards you. I want to say I'm sorry for that, I was cold because I was scared that if I let you get close to me again, that I would get hurt all over again. so me being cold was the only was to protect myself. But once you moved in and I saw how much you truly have grown since high school. You're not the same cruel, self-fish, arrogant Jason Hogart that most people saw. You're the sweet, caring, loving Jason Hogart that I fell in love. I still love you, I never stopped Jay." By the time she finished say what she had been holding in for so long, she had tears in her eyes. Saying these emotions brought them along with the fear of being rejected by the man she loved.
Jay was quiet for a moment he couldn't believe that she had just said the words he had wanted hear for so long. He knew her quietness was because she was waiting for him to say something, and he could see the fear in her eyes. Giving her his trade mark smirk he moved closer to her and placed one hand behind her head, and the other around her waist. He waited a moment to see if she pulled back before he leaned in even further and kissed her like it was their first time; soft and slow at first before adding more pressure. Jay smiled into the kiss when he felt her small hands rest on his shoulders, pulling him closer to her.
When the pair finally pulled apart Jay smiled and gently kissed her forehead. "I love you so much Emma." He whispered softly making her smile. Jay kissed her once more before pulling her into a hug. "Merry Christmas Emma." "Merry Christmas Jay." And they stood there just holding each other, not wanting to let go ever again.
It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone, it's not the same
It's hard to say I held my tongue
It's hard to say if only
Since you've been gone, it's not the same.- "Hard to say"- The Used.
Okay guys I know it looks like it's the end but trust me it's not over yet, there will be a few more chapters left. So I hope you liked this one, and don't forget to review.
Allie