"There are plenty ways to die, but only love can kill and keep you alive to feel it"- Leo Christopher.
Months later…
Have you ever felt like the world stopped turning? Everything starts to slow down and in a moment everything changes forever? That's my life right now. I see my future gone in an instant. It's hard to believe it only took 7 words to change everything. The bubble I was living in, thinking I couldn't be any happier, blew up in my face. With just 7 little words.
2 hours earlier.
I've been feeling off all this week. And I think I might know what the problem is. I went to the store and picked up what I needed. But I'm scared. I should call Christian, but I call Ros instead. I'm in the hall bathroom when someone knocks on the door.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Ros asks after I let her in. I know I have silent tears running down my face. I'm sitting on the closed toilet seat and Ros comes and puts her arm around me. "What happened? Tell me."
I take a deep breath "I think I'm pregnant Ros. I bought a bunch of tests, but I'm too scared to take them." Her eyes grow large.
"Really? That's kind of exciting…." She trails off.
"How would this work? I really would be the mistress. I don't know if I can do this."
"Hey, stop it. We can work something out if you are. You should call Christian. He should be here with you too." I shake my head. "Well, I'm calling him." She pulls out her phone.
"Ros, no."
"Ana. You're a mess. You need him right now. And he would want to be here." I know she's right, but I'm scared. This isn't the time to have a baby, not with the whole sham marriage going on. Who knows how much longer they plan to do it. I've been so happy with Christian, and there's only been a few rocky steps so far that I forget what I'm in the middle of.
"Hey Christian. I need you to come home now…. Everything is fine, but Ana needs you…. just come home." She hangs up on him. "He should be here shortly." I just nod.
15 minutes later Christian comes barging into the bathroom. "What's wrong?" He bends down in front of me. He wipes the tears from my face. "What happened?"
I hand him the box with the pregnancy test in it. He's smart he'll figure it out.
"Are you?" He asks surprised.
"I don't know yet. I haven't taken it yet."
"Well, we should find out shouldn't we?" He asks almost happily. Again all I do is nod.
"I'll leave you two to it." Ros gives my shoulder a squeeze and is out the door.
"I'm scared Christian." I tell him.
"I know I am too. But we will figure it out together. Take the test before we start over analyzing everything."
"Can you at least turn around while I do this?" He scoffs but does it anyway. It's not that it really bothers me if he watches, but right now I think I just want the privacy.
I open up the box and pee on the stick. I wipe myself and place the test on the sink. I flush the toilet and then wash my hands, as I wait for the test results. I got the one with the digital reading.
Christian wraps me in his arms as we watch the little hourglass turn. I think my heart is in my throat. I close my eyes tightly and when I re-open them again. There it is in bold print: Pregnant
"Does that say what I think it says?" I ask him. I glance up at him in the mirror and I see a smile on his face. I don't know how he can be so excited he's the married one.
"What a lovely way to tell me you love me by having my baby." He quotes Paul Anka. I spin around in his arms and hug him. He bends down and kisses me and I can feel the love pouring out of him.
"How can you be so calm about this?" He just shrugs at me.
There's a knock on the door and Ros calls through. "Christian your mom and dad are here." Christian opens the door.
"You're kidding me? They're here now." She just shrugs and Christian gives me one last squeeze on my arm and walks out of the bathroom. I step out and stand with Ros in the hallway.
She looks at me. "So?" I nod and give a little smile. She sequels and gives me a hug. "Let's go to the kitchen and talk while Christian visits." We head past the living room and head to the kitchen.
"What are you guys doing here?" I hear Christian ask.
"We stopped by your office and they said that you already left for the day. So we thought we would come here. I wanted to talk to you about the Coping Together Ball and also something else." I see Grace glance up at me. I look away and figure I would start to cook something to keep my mind off what's going on in the living room.
"You ok, Ana?" Ros asks me.
"I'm fine. I think. I don't know." Ros touches my arm.
"Hey. When they leave we will sit down and talk about this. We will work something out. I promise."
"OK." I nod. What a mess.
A little while later, I notice Grace gets up and heads down the hall. Christian and I lock eyes for a moment and he gives me a reassuring smile. I'm making a chocolate cake, and Ros has been helping me. She would occasionally answer questions with the Grey's, but they seem more here to talk to Christian.
Grace walks back into the room, with what looks like to be my pregnancy test. Oh shit. I forgot all about that. Dead girl walking.
"Oh my goodness Christian. You guys are pregnant." She runs up to Christian and gives him a hug. His face is nothing but panic and fear.
Ros looks at me and gives me an 'oh shit' look. I think mine matches hers.
"Well, you see mom. It's Ana's." Christian says.
"What do you mean Ana's?" Her voice raises "I knew she would be trouble." She looks at me with nothing but hate in her eyes. You do know there's a chance another guy could have knocked me up right?
"No mom. It's not what you think." His voice is shaky
"Then what?" She snaps.
"Ana has agreed to be our surrogate." He stumbles out
7 words that are like a dagger to my heart. 'Ana has agreed to be our surrogate.' They made everything just stop. I feel like someone just ripped my heart out and stomped on it. What can I say to that? Do I say anything? Christian looks over at Ros and I nodding at us and trying to tell us to go with it. But I'm numb and I can't feel anything. Ros puts her arm around me and does her best to smile.
"Why do you need a surrogate?" Carrick asks, I'm not sure he believes it or not.
"Well, we didn't want to tell you. But Ros is unable to have kids. But we started to talk about having some, and maybe adopting. And well Ana offered to surrogate for us. Isn't that wonderful?" Oh I did huh? I guess that's why you're good at business MR. Grey. Such a smooth liar. Maybe you should go in politics.
"That's wonderful dear. Then I'm happy for you." She pulls Christian into a hug and comes over and hugs Ros. She looks at me and just gives me her hand to shake. I feel the love. "Thank you for doing this sweet thing for my children."
I decide for the time being and take the high road. I would love nothing but to freak out on this woman and tell her the truth. But I don't and put on my best fake smile and shake her hand. "Your welcome." Grace pulls Ros into the living room leaving me now alone in the kitchen.
All I want to do now is destroy the place. How long does it take to suffocate someone with a pillow? No that's too quick and painless. What if? No Ana, that's not the answer. I'm trying to do everything in my power to not cry. I never thought our relationship would come to this. I was willing to wait till they got divorced for however long it would have been. I was deeply in love with this man. I just wanted to be with him and it didn't matter how. We were having fun. I would often forget about what was really happening. It didn't matter to me. Well ok it mattered a little bit.
But now, as I watch them in the living room, being happy about a baby,being one big happy family, makes me sick to my stomach. This is my baby. I should be the one jumping for joy but here I am. Alone. Ros looks over to me, her eyes filled with worry. I shake my head at her and leave the room.
I head to the guestroom, which is really my room. But I don't ever sleep in here anymore. I close and lock the door and fall into a bundle of tears. I guess this is partly my fault. I fell for this man, I should have just stayed away. I was happy for a minute, but now that's over.
I've curled myself in a ball under the blankets. I have finally stopped crying, my body feels numb. What do I do now? Let them play happy family with my baby? Oh, how I wish I could run away to a tropical island and forget everything. I put my hand on my belly, and remember I wouldn't enjoy the island if I can't have a Pina Colada in my hand.
There's a knock on my door and I hear Ros. "Ana? Can I come in?" I really don't want to talk to anybody right now. "No. Leave her alone right now. You've done enough." I hear Ros tell who I can only assume is Christian on the other side. I don't hear anything else as I squeeze the pillow on both sides of me head.
I'm guessing someone used the key to get in, because they place their hand on my shoulder. I remove the pillow from my ears and turn and I'm face to face with Ros.
"I'm so sorry."
"You're not the one that needs to be sorry." I tell her. "I really don't want to talk about it right now."
"If you makes you feel any better he's really beating himself up over this." She says rubbing my back.
"It doesn't. I know you want to help Ros, but I think it's best if I'm alone right now." I tell her rolling myself back in my ball.
"I understand. If you need me you know where to find me." I feel her get off the bed, and hear the door close behind her.
The tears have made my eyes heavy and I fall asleep.
The next morning, I awake. I feel like utter crap. I quickly realize that everything that has happened wasn't a dream. I somehow pull myself out of bed and start walking to the bathroom. I stop dead in my tracks when I see Christian asleep in the chair by my bed. I roll my eyes and take myself to the bathroom to relieve myself.
When I come back I sit on the edge of my bed, staring at a sleeping Christian. If I wasn't so mad at him I would say he looks like an angel. Bastard. Why does he have to be so good looking at a moment like this? I get an idea and go back to the bathroom, I grab a glass a fill it with cold water. I walk back out and pour it on his head.
"What the hell?" He jumps to his feet, shaking the water off of him. He's awake now.
"Would you mind telling me what you're doing in here?" I ask crossing my arms.
"I wanted to talk to you. I figured in the morning would be a better time. I also wanted to watch you sleep."
"Well, I still have nothing to say to you. So you can go now." I point to the door. I know we need to talk. But I still feel like I could explode at any minute and that won't help matters.
"Ana, we need to talk. Listen I'm sorry for what I said. I was caught off guard. When we found out we were pregnant I thought we would have more time to figure this all out. I'm sorry."
"So did you correct yourself? Did you tell them the truth?" I ask.
"Ana, you know we couldn't. Not without it blowing up in our face." He runs his hands through his hair.
"So what am I supposed to huh? Let you guys play happy family and what I become the nanny? I don't think so. I love Ros with all my heart, but I don't want my child calling her mommy." I feel the tears threatening to fall.
"No, Ana. I don't know. We can figure something out. It's not like my parents would be around all the time. It would just be then." What? Is he for real?
"Get out Christian." I yell.
"No. We need to work this out." He demands.
"All you're doing is making it worse. Those people hate me. For whatever reason they hate me. Even though I've never done a single thing to them! I won't stand around and play this charade with them. This is our baby. You and me. Not you, me, Ros, and the other Grey's. Ours and you're asking me to play along. For how long Christian do you expect this game to go on?" I'm screaming. I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore.
"I don't know Ana." He sighs. "GB is at the peak of expanding further, I'm worried a scandal like this might hurt the company. It just has to be the right time. I can't speak for Ros, but I also don't know if she's ready to come out either."
"The company." I whisper. That's the whole reason this whole sham started in the first place isn't it. I guess I'm just second banana. "I need you to leave me alone Christian. I need space to think everything through. If and when I'm ready I will talk to you." I tell him choking back the tears.
"Ana!" he pleads.
"GO!" I shout. He looks at me sadly before turning around and leaving. I throw myself back on my bed and let my tears over come me once again.
Later that afternoon I decide to make my way out of my room. I figure I should try to eat something, even though my stomach is still in knots. I get to the living room and I see Ros sitting there on her laptop. She hears me and smiles at me. I nod and make my way to the fridge. She follows.
"I would ask how you're doing but I think I know the answer."
"I'll be fine. I just need something to eat."
"I just want you to know that I will drop the ball on this whole thing. I'll even come out to my parents. I've been talking to Gwen and she agrees it's time. This has gone on far too long."
"I wish your other half agreed. He thinks it will hurt the company. And I won't do that to you." I start to make myself a sandwich but when I look at it, it makes me sick.
"I don't care Ana."
"Ros, I'm not going to be the one that makes your company fall apart. I couldn't live with myself. I'll play along." What am I saying? I think all the crying has sucked the oxygen out of my brain. Maybe that's why it hurts so much.
"Ana it's time to come clean. You're my best friend. My sister. I couldn't live with myself if I watched you turn into a mindless zombie. Which is what you are right now."
"We have about 8 months before we have to start worrying about anything, can we just deal with this later?" I beg her. Right now I want to cry and scream and throw a tantrum. I know I'm being a child. But come on; have you just ever felt so broken that it just didn't matter anymore.
"OK." She says cautiously "What about you and Christian?"
"What about us?" I shrug.
"Ana?"
"Can't a girl just have a day a wallow in self-pity? Please?" I beg her just to drop it.
"Yeah of course. Just know I love you. And I'm here for you. And I would help do anything to make this better."
"Thank you. Just give me a day. I have to work tomorrow, maybe that will help clear my head. But right now…"
"I understand." She gives me a hug, which I accept and return back.
When I pull away I see Christian standing in the other room drenched in sweat, which I guess is from a work out. His eyes are void and filled with anguish. I avoid my eyes and decide to eat later. "We'll talk later Ros." And with that I head back to my room. Tomorrow is another day.
I wake up the next morning around 10. I spent the rest of my day hiding in my room. I was awoken at 2am this morning by Christian playing the piano. He told me once it was something he would do when he couldn't sleep. Maybe when I'm done working today we can duke it out. For now I get dressed and start my day.
Going to work did make me feel better. Having other people to talk to that aren't involved in this mess and doing what I love best. Cooking. I feel a lot better about facing Christian now. I send him a text and tell him I want to talk tonight. I don't get to read his reply when I come face to face with Grace and Carrick Grey.
Great. I was just starting to feel better. Ok not really but not so much a crying zombie. "Hi" I greet them. I hope it's just a coincidence that we run to each other on the street corner but I don't think it is.
"Hello, Ana." Grace says bitterly.
"Hello, Mrs. Grey. Mr. Grey." I reply back. Why do I feel like this isn't going to end well?
"Would you mind if we talked to you for a little bit. We just have some things we want to discuss with you." Carrick tells me.
"Yeah, sure." I follow them to an office building and they show me to a conference room. I sit down at the table and they sit across from me.
"So what's up?" I ask. My heart beating loudly inside my chest.
"We wanted to talk to you about this whole surrogate thing. Now I understand what you're doing is a great gift that you can give to Ros and Christian. But we can't help but wonder if this is more of an excuse to be in our son's life. What do you plan on doing after you have the baby?" Grace asks me.
"Well, we haven't talked that far yet." It's true, we haven't.
"I think it would be best if you move out and let those two bound with the new baby. It's better that way for them and for the baby. What is that you expect out of them? Is it money?" Carrick accuses.
"No." I guess I better play the game. They wouldn't believe me if I told them the truth anyways. "I'm doing it because I would do anything for Ros." It's not a lie.
"But don't you think it would be best if you moved out so they can grow as a family. What? You've been living there for a year now?" Grace asks.
"Yes. I've tried to leave but each time they beg me to stay. I pay rent and cook. I now work full time. I figured if they really wanted me gone they would say something." I shrug acting like it's no big deal.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to say it. I think you have the hots for my son and I think you have motive to try and come between him and Ros." Grace snaps.
"What? I would never do something like that." I had the go ahead to from Ros herself to do dirty things with your son. I'm not trying anything.
"Then prove it." Carrick pulls out a bundle of papers. "These are papers stating that after you give birth you are to move out and leave them alone. Also our son has agreed to pay you for your 'time'." Oh he did huh?
I look over the papers and realize it's nothing but a bunch of mumble jumble. "I don't want the money. I don't need it."
"Sure you do. We did a background check. We saw that your parents have filed for bankruptcy. You have a small trust and but you live mostly off your paychecks." My parents are what? No that can't be true.
"Doesn't matter. I can survive in the world on my paycheck."
"But how ever would you open your own restaurant with those funds?"
"How did you know?"
"Christian told us. He came over once a while back and told us about it. That's when we really saw that there might be a major problem with you living at their house. Well, actually we knew the first time we met you. Mia also mentioned how you were making eyes at him at night as well. It seems our son has taken a liking to you. Even though he won't admit it." He told them about my dreams?
"It doesn't matter. If it was meant to happen it will. I don't need a restaurant to be happy. If Ros and Christian really want me gone after the baby; then they need to be the ones to tell me not you." I stand up. "Now if you'll excuse me I have things to do." I scoot my chair back and turn to walk out.
Carrick catches up to me. "Just take these papers and look over them. I think if you really think about it you will accept it. That kind of money can really get you on your feet, maybe even help your parents." I snatch the papers out of his hands and storm out of the office.
I round the corner and rest myself against a brick building. I pick up my phone and dial Ros' number. I need to get out of Seattle. I need to check on my parents. Why didn't they tell me about their problems?
"Ana?" Ros answers.
I don't know when the tears started but they did and I can barely get a word out. "Ros" I croak.
"Ana? What happened?"
"Christian's parents confronted me. They offered me money to go away after the baby is born." I stumble out. "My mom and dad filed for bankruptcy. Oh god what if they try to take the baby from me? They said it was Christian's idea to offer me money." I keep rambling off.
"Stop Ana and take a deep breath." I take a labored breath and try to calm myself.
"He told them my dreams. Them. Of all people." I hiccup. "I need to get out of here Ros."
"Ana where are you?"
"A block away from work."
"I'm going to come and get you." She tells me. I can hear her throwing things around.
"NO!" I shout. "I'm fine. I'm just going to go back to the penthouse."
"Ok… I'll meet you there."
"Fine." I say before I hang up. There would be no stopping her anyway. I look down at my phone trying to compose myself before walking back. I see the message from Christian.
**Yes we really do need to talk. I love you Ana. I'm sorry**
I shake my head and clean off my face and make my way back to the penthouse. As soon as I get there I run to my closet in Christian's room and start to pack my stuff I need time. I need space. I'm half way done with packing my bag when Ros walks in.
"What are you doing?" She asks me looking at my now full suitcases.
"I need to get out of here."
"Where are you going?"
"I need to go see my mom and dad. Just don't tell Christian. I just need to get away from it all." I take the papers out of my purse. "But you can give him these." I toss them on the bed.
Ros picks them up and starts scanning the paper work. "What the hell?"
"Exactly. I love you Ros. But I can't do this anymore. It was fine for a while. But now… I just need to go. I need to get away from the situation clear my head." I close up my suitcase and start walking to the door.
"Ana wait." I stop and look at her. She pulls me into a hug. "If you need anything call me ok?" I nod. "Promise."
"I promise."
A/N: Thanks again to Sonya and Amy for your help.
Tomorrow another update.
Also to the Guest viewer that gave me tips on my grammar instead of bashing me. Thank you for the help. I wish I had a better eye for it. I try. But thank you for being kind and not hateful!