CHAPTER 7 : HEART TO HEART

The woods weren't warm and Merlin thought of his bedroll but talking to Arthur was more important than bodily comforts. He realised that in the dark, Arthur could have been taken for a traveller and an opportune moment for the two bandits. Merlin didn't think that the king had had any money on him so he probably would just have been roughed up and given a couple well-placed kicks once the assailants had found him penniless.

He hoisted Arthur a little higher on his chest and leant over to pull up his knees so he was less likely slip down again. It flashed through his mind how nice it was to have Arthur near him again, to be able to touch him. He'd missed him!

All right, so now he had his undivided attention, he was ready to explain his side of the story. He didn't waken Arthur, he just placed his hands on him, one cupping his head and the other over his heart and he began to talk…talking was maybe simplifying what he intended to do. He began to 'think to Arthur'. He went over in his mind everything which had happened since he had yelled, 'Hug the face!' while he was on that steep trail. He let his mind do all the talking.

'For a second when I fully realised what had happened I couldn't see past the moment. Thoughts flashed through my mind that this was the end. My life was spiralling out of control because of a horse. I remember letting go of him and sending him away. I felt outside myself watching as a spectator. I knew I was in shock and although I knew what to do for someone else, I hadn't a clue what I should be doing for myself apart from breathing.

'Slowly, the rock face and the sparse trees came more fully into focus and I knew that the feelings were passing. I'd pulled through and although my body wouldn't cooperate my mind was free.

'Something caught my eye and gave me hope...I knew that I would survive. Then Gawaine appeared and he grabbed me and not knowing what else to do, I followed him. He was kind and helped me over the difficult places telling me that you were worried and waiting for me. I was so relieved when I had finally reached you.'

He went through his qualms about riding again. 'It had been too much for me to consider. My mind had been shattered by what had happened and the need to stay away from any horse helped relieve the panic I felt. Jogging along beside you, Arthur, had taken away some of the fear. My body was occupied and the more tired I became the less I could think about what had happened earlier.'

Merlin stopped and thought about the cave. Arthur had been so understanding and kind, trying to make light of what had happened and show that he still loved him and that together they would be able to overcome this disaster.

Thinking, Merlin continued his one-sided conversation, 'Arthur, I really do love and trust you, but coming to the ford had been unbelievable difficult. I had already convinced myself to ride across and then I panicked. Mulgan looked so big. I saw you remove your boot so that I could use your stirrup but I was scared that once behind you, I would break down sobbing and make more of a fool of myself than I already had. I was a coward and then I saw little Bess and realised I could if I pushed myself ride her, she was not intimidating and I was taking no one's mount.

'I saw you looking at me, surprised and disappointed but obviously didn't realise how much my refusal to ride with you had hurt you. I was not intentionally shunning your offer; it was as if I were being driven by a desire to survive… I could not have physically got up on Mulgan at that moment.'

He leant over and kissed the top of Arthur's head. He kept thinking, directing all his thoughts to Arthur's mind and hopefully his heart. 'Arthur, it might have looked to you that I was refusing you but you know I have never refused you anything. I can't...you're an extension of me but in retrospect, it was a foolhardy decision. I hoped that you would understand my fear and it wasn't until you turned on me that I realised you had misunderstood my actions.

'The last two days have been torture. At one point, I heard your voice and I just wanted to drop everything and race to you but I knew that we had to have some private time to get this mess ironed out.' He lapsed into mental silence.

He reverted to speaking and said, "I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you. I had to restrain myself from sneaking into the inn to be with you. I really do love you and one day when you forgive me, I will quite happily give myself to you again. Arthur, I love you!" He wiped his tears off Arthur's brow and smiled as one rolled down past his nose to his lips. He tipped Arthur's head back gently and licked the tear away, gently kissing his lips, a difficult manoeuvre as their noses and chins got in the way. "Arthur, it's your turn to talk! Come on, wakey wakey!"

Arthur stretched his legs out and his body relaxed. Merlin slipped off the log so he was not holding all of Arthur's weight but he still had his legs on either side of him. He snuffled in his hair and nibbled the shell of his ear. Arthur sighed and settled back comfortably.

"Arthur?" he whispered, "Are you awake?"

"Hmm…what time is it?"

"Very early…not even anywhere near dawn."

"Merlin, did you steal all the covers? I'm cold and my butt has fallen asleep."

Merlin smiled. True sitting on the ground like that must not have been too comfortable and he really had no idea what time it was. He didn't think that his conversation had been in real time.

"Arthur, you were hit on your head and you were unconscious for a little while."

"I thought I heard someone behind me but figured it was an animal. What happened, I was out walking? Where have you been, Merlin? Rhylan has been looking after me and I don't remember why…"

Merlin smiled. He'd answer that question in good time but now he was also feeling the cold and wasn't as comfortable as he was hampered by Arthur's weight against him. "Arthur, if you get off me, I can get up. We'll go back to the inn and I'll light a fire in your chamber and you can get some sleep."

Arthur did as requested and slipped his hand around Merlin's waist. "Where's your belt? You'll be loosing your trousers…mind you, that might not be a bad thing…"

"Well, neither of us have belts as I used them to tie up the assailants."

"You used my good belt to tie up a bandit?" Arthur's scowl changed to a smile, "Honestly, Merlin, have you no respect for my personal property?" He paused before continuing, "I'm so tired, I feel as if I have attended a very important council meeting and my mind won't stop."

Merlin smiled; he bet Arthur's mind was tired, processing everything which he had said to him. That was good, maybe tomorrow they would be able to talk privately and he would be able to hear Arthur's take on the whole situation. He shivered.

Arthur picked up on it and said that soon they'd be inside. They passed the lean to and Harry was disturbed by Mulgan who nickered as he heard Arthur's voice. He opened his eyes recognising the king and his manservant and smiled to himself before burying deeper into the hay. He fell right back asleep.

-0-0-

Gawaine was out for the count but Leon was still sitting at a table half asleep, when there was a tap at the door of the inn. He got up immediately and opened it letting in Arthur and Merlin. He could feel the stress seeping out of his body and he yawned. Now, he was ready for bed!

He nodded at Arthur and said, "We waited up for you but I finally sent Rhylan to bed he was exhausted. Gawaine's not really asleep, he's just fooling."

Arthur went over and kicked his chair and Gawaine nearly jumped out of his skin, threatening all sorts of dire retribution on the person who had woken him. He noticed Merlin and grinned. "Thank God, he found you. He's been a real bear to live with." He ducked Arthur's hand. "Well, I can see that I'm no longer needed so I'm off to bed. Come on, Leon, three makes a crowd!"

Arthur laughed and said, "Goodnight, see you at breakfast tomorrow."

Merlin had gravitated to the fire and was warming himself. "Show me the chamber and I'll get a fire going and you can turn in."

"We can turn in, Merlin. I'm not letting you out of my sight for the next twenty-four hours." Arthur got him by the hand and led him into a small hallway and through what seemed like a warren of rooms to a fair-sized chamber with a large bed and a fireplace." The best room in the establishment…" He turned to Merlin and smiled shyly saying, "…now that you are here."

Merlin put some logs on the fire and lit the kindling. Arthur sat on the bed wrapped in his cloak, opening it so that Merlin could slip in beside him and share it. They sat in companionable silence until Merlin yawned and slipped off his boots. "Let me just take off your boots. We can sleep in our clothes, I'm really tired, Arthur."

"Well, we don't have to worry about belt buckles, do we?"

Merlin grinned and before Arthur pulled up the comforter, he had slipped into his favourite position curled against his love's chest. They kissed idly but as Merlin's eyes grew heavy, everything slipped out of his mind and he was asleep.

Arthur felt as though a heavy weight had been lifted off his heart. He couldn't remember what had been troubling him for the last few days. He could worry about that tomorrow; so with Merlin in his arms, he too slipped away.

Merlin woke to an excruciating pain in his belly. He was paralysed unable to move. He could feel sharp shooting pains and the sound of tearing and he felt violently sick. He hung his head. The pain was now threatening his whole being. He felt a numbness spreading over his core with only his mind being able to cope. He needed to get up, away from whatever was immobilising him. He tried but the accompanying tearing sound was distracting. He lay where he was thinking, 'Why am I alone? Where are my friends? What had happened?'

He heard a voice which he recognized and forced his head to turn toward the sound. It was soothing but not enough to alleviate the physical pain. He felt a hand on his head and someone crying. Why didn't they do something instead of crying? It was getting harder to breathe…he was going to vomit.

He heard a sharp intake of breath that wasn't his and the sobbing continued. Then a voice spoke, he knew whose it was. "I've always loved you but now the time has come for us to part. Merlin, it's time…let yourself go!"

He didn't intend to go anywhere alone.

"I'll hold you and stay with you until the time comes."

No, the time wasn't coming…it was too soon but slowly he realised that what the voice was saying made sense, he couldn't stay, he was being pulled away. He didn't want to go and he fought it but it was too strong.

He knew it was happening as he left his other self, stood up, gently kissing the head of the man crouched beside him. The pain was gone and he was walking away leaving his beloved Arthur but in the distance, he could see Balinor and he ran to him turning once to smile at his former self in the arms of his lover.

"Merlin, wake up! You're scaring me." The words pierced his muddled brain and he was able to move over. The pain was subsiding.

"Arthur…I had an awful dream. I think I was Gidun and I had to leave you and you were so sad and I couldn't do anything about it." Arms settled around him and he snuggled into Arthur's chest. His muffled voice said, "You knew I was dying and told me you'd stay with me until it happened. I didn't happen, did it, Arthur?"

"No, Merlin, it didn't happen. We're in bed, nice and warm and we still have a few hours to sleep until morning. You must have been sleeping awkwardly, Are you still in pain?"

"It's slowly going but it took my breath away. I was my other self and I could see you holding me and crying. I didn't want to go but then it seemed right to leave you and I was no longer sad or frightened. Do you think that is what dying is like?"

Arthur kissed the top of Merlin's head saying, "I don't want to find out for a long time…"

"Arthur, I think it was a nightmare about losing Gidun. He left me and I stayed holding him until Gawaine found me."

"I'm so sorry about Gidun. Your pain upset me; it was as if it were in my chest. Did I ever really tell you, how sorry I was?

"I knew you were. It was frightening for both of us. I never thought it was going to happen like that and my mind was full of questions. Had I loved him enough and did he know how I felt about him?"

Arthur laughed gently, "The way you spoiled and mollycoddled him, he knew…I have no doubt."

"Arthur, I have something to confess. I took Mulgan out for a ride the day of your village meeting and I let him sample the countryside as we walked along…" There was a slight gleam in Merlin's eyes.

Giggling, Arthur said, "Why do you think that would surprise me? You're incorrigible and I love every little bit of you."

Merlin tilted his head back and Arthur kissed him.

-0-0-

Hours later, there was a light tapping on the door and Merlin automatically slipped out of bed. He opened it a crack and saw Rhylan. "I didn't know if Arthur found you. I fell asleep last night before he came back." He smiled, "But now you're here, I can go back to bed, can't I?"

"Yes, Rhylan you can go back to bed. By the way, thank you for looking after him…"

The squire smiled, "It was an honour. However, I know he wasn't happy without you. Thank goodness, you came back."

As Merlin closed the door and scurried back to bed. Arthur said, "Receiving visits from secret admirers?"

Merlin grinned, "No, just one young man who although he was only too happy to fetch and carry for you is happy that I'm back."

"Me too…" said Arthur. "Come here, we have time for a cuddle before you have to get my breakfast."

"No time…as we need hot water as you and I are going to eat together with the others. That's the least thing I can do for all the worrying I put them through. You know, Arthur, you have some excellent men as knights. Both Gawaine and Simon checked on me and even Leon sent messages via the groom."

"…and all that would have been unnecessary if I had only put myself in your place and used my heart not only my head."

"Arthur, I wouldn't have wanted you to experience what I went through. But, I'm here, safe and sound with your arms around me. Could anyone ask for anything more?"

"Well, if you put it that way…I could!"

"No…I can already hear the others going downstairs. Time for one more kiss and then you're getting up regardless of whatever ideas you have."

"Why is it that I keep thinking you recently said that you had never refused me anything, something about my being an extension of you?"

Merlin smiled, "Arthur, I'm not refusing you; this will just be a postponement…"

-0-0-

Even though Gawaine and Leon had already told the others about Merlin's return; there were wide grins around the table when Arthur walked in followed by Merlin.

"We're sleeping rough tonight so everyone should eat a good breakfast. Underhill tomorrow if everything works out as planned."

"Arthur?" said Leon, Will we come back through here on our return? I could make arrangements for rooms before we leave."

Merlin felt his chest tighten and suddenly the porridge seemed less appetising. He put his spoon down.

Arthur noticed and quickly said, "No, after Keynsham, we'll come back by Woolbridge. That will make Gawaine happy as if we can, we'll stay at The Fat Badger and he will be able to woo his favourite barmaid." There was a generally hooting and Gawaine stood up to take a bow. Even Merlin smiled and picking up his spoon continued eating.

Gawaine glanced at Arthur who acknowledged his glance and smiled back. He thought that Gawaine was like a mother hen where Merlin's was concerned.

Breakfast finished, the horses were saddled with bedrolls and other personal belongings secured. Technically, they were a horse short but Rhylan on his own initiative had offered Merlin his horse. Merlin had hesitated and then accepted. Rhylan said, "His name is Ned and he's a good ride."

"But what are you going to do?"

"Romney will let me ride double to begin with and then the others will probably offer too. Don't worry about me. Anyway, now you can ride next to Arthur again."

Merlin only wished that all the squires were as mature and sensitive to other people's feelings as this young man.

Though, he really wouldn't have expected anything less coming from Romney's family. He placed Gidun's bridle in a burlap sack and tied it to Ned's saddle. He was ready to go…

The cavalcade of monarch, Merlin and knights left the stable yard for Underhill.

-0-0-

Lunch was eaten in a grassy dell just off the trail. The ground was covered in a carpet of bluebells. The landlord's wife had provided food and the pork pie and cider, went down well. Leon and Arthur sat with Gielbert discussing the plans for the next village meeting. Villagers had complaining about one of the overseers, Arthur knew that it was better to nip any trouble in the bud hence the trip to Underhill. Leon was surprised as two years previous a contingent of knights had ridden out under Sir Rupert to settle the same problem but it had broken out again.

"Anyone we can consider to replace Harold the Hun as the locals call him. The position has been in his family for at least thirty years according to the records. Maybe, it's time for a change…"

"Maybe choose new people across the board. There were some level heads when I was there the last time but we decided to give him another chance," said Gielbert.

"We need to keep that village as a strong unit. It's at an intersection of two well travelled roads and close to the border, if all the poorer families get fed up and wander away to find jobs elsewhere, the village will consist of landowners with no workers and we might as well write it off. There will be no harvest and we will lose out on taxes." The other two nodded.

Arthur looked up and saw Merlin chatting with Romney and Gawaine. He seemed so different to the man Gawaine had brought to him above the ford. Riding beside him had been relaxing. He was almost his old self. He watched as Merlin listened intently to whatever yarn Gawaine was spinning.

"Gawaine, you didn't?"

"Yes, I did, convinced his good lady that she should follow me to Camelot and we could set up together in the castle."

"…and she believed you?"

"Well, we were both beyond making any sense but it made for a very enjoyable night."

"I don't believe you! The landlord would have wanted to know where his wife was when he was ready for bed. He'd be very careful of her as he'd probably had experiences with the likes of you before."

"He's got you there, Gawaine," said Romney, adding "If I remember it rightly, you went flying from the inn britches and boots in hand chased by not only the landlord but his dog."

"Will there be fun and games again this time?" asked Merlin, thinking that it might be entertaining.

"No, the old man died and I promised Arthur I would always be on my best behaviour in any inn that we might possibly revisit."

Arthur walked over to them and caught the end of the conversation, "…because I also want to protect a certain servant, various young knights and squires from your lack of morals. Let's mount up, we've still a fair way to go to the abandoned village.

They continued on there way and soon the land levelled out and meadows could be seen. Arthur's eyes lit up as he saw deer tracks on the path and turned to Leon and said, "We'll make for the ruins and then backtrack to hunt."

Romney said, "Why don't we separate? You can have the packhorse and a couple of knights and the rest of us will continue to the old farm."

"Sounds good!" Arthur said turning to chose Gielbert and Simon to stay with him and told the others to go on with Leon.

Merlin sighed and said quietly, "Arthur, do you really think that you're going to get much at this time of day?"

"The grass is green and succulent. I'm sure some unwary deer will be tempted to step out of the copse to eat. However don't worry, because if we don't make a kill, we can rely on you to make some fantastic feast for us out of stale bread, some dried out mutton stew and dried apples." He grinned at Merlin who couldn't help but grin back.

The hunting party came up empty handed, except for Merlin who trotted happily into the campsite with a two and a half brace of hare and a pocket full of mushrooms.

Arthur just shook his head for someone who blundered around in the woods, Merlin when he wanted to, could be extremely capable of looking after himself and putting the rest of them to shame.